Why start a relationship that is just going to end?

[Kaiyle Brightblade]

I guess this is about boys. Its more about the idea of a relationship.

So, I like relationships. I like being physically and emotionally close to somebody. I like being there for someone and having someone be there for me. I like having fun with that person and doing romantic things. For these reasons and more I would like to find a romantic partner.

But what happens when I start to like someone else more? I realize now that that's usually going to happen. I can't carry on a relationship with both people, that is considered one of the highest forms of betrayal. I have never done that. I can't just stay with my partner if I like someone else more. I tried that once. I was miserable, and I ended up making him miserable because he couldn't make me happy. I think conventional wisdom is to break up with your partner.

The thing is, I really don't want to do that. It seems very cold to just leave someone that way. I've done it once before, and the guy was devastated. I don't want to upset anyone. That's not the goal of a relationship. What do I even say? "No, you did things mostly right. I mean you were nice to me. I'm just more attracted to this other guy." That just seems extremely cruel. Plus, if the person I was dating is a friend of a friend, it can make everything really awkward.

What do you girls think? What do most people do in this situation?

tl,dr: What do I do when I like someone else more than my current boyfriend?

EDIT: I'm single right now, and this is a general quandary rather than a sign that I need to get out of a relationship.

Would anyone be willing to talk to me about their experiences being monogamous or poly-amorous, whichever you identify as? I would really appreciate it.  

[Kaiyle Brightblade]

ll-Frantic-ll

Maybe you need to end things with your current partner and not go into another relationship until you figure out where you stand in general. There is obviously something missing from your relationship(s) if you find yourself becoming more attracted to someone else than the person that you are with. If you stay alone for a while and nothing changes then maybe a monogamous relationship just isn't for you or you could just be polyamorous. Before deciding on one of the last two things, give yourself time to figure things out. You could just be confused and wanting the attention more than the actual relationship.

I'm not dating anyone right now, I'm taking some time to figure myself out. I posted this because I need additional input to help me figure things out. Since I didn't specify this, you still get props for giving good advice.

If I stay alone for a while, how will I know if something changes? There's someone I like right now more than I like anyone else, but how do I know that won't change later? I mean think of it this way: At any given moment I could meet the love of my life, right? Can we accept that's how life works? Now, if I was in a relationship at the time I would obviously have to leave that person. I mean he is the love of my life! Therefore I'm a constant flight risk whenever I'm in a relationship. And even if I leave the person and get with the guy I think is the love of my life, if there's even a tiny imperfection in our relationship it stands to reason that I could meet someone better. Same cycle.

This is why I reached out. I want to know if everyone realizes this. I want to know if the general method of dealing with it is to settle for the correct percentage of what you want where the negatives of leaving the relationship outweigh any possible gain from switching partners. I'm hoping that's not true. I'm hoping that most people just have some predisposition that makes it easy to be monogamous, and I lack that. At that point I will consider myself to be poly-amorous, and take on the problems of that domain.

I think to decide whether I am or am not poly, I need to hear experiences from both monos and polys. Would you be willing to help me with that? You've already been so very kind as to reply and your insight has helped me tremendously, and I would understand if you don't feel comfortable talking to me about it. I would really appreciate it though, and we could do it over PM if that made it easier.

As for whether or not I am confused and just like attention... that is certainly something I have wondered about many times. I won't deny that I do like attention when it feels harmless. I think either I am poly-amorous and the system has failed me, or I'm mono and I just like attention. Further evidence is needed.

In short, thank you very much you gave me a lot to think about.  

[PSM Guild Mule]

After reading the posts, hmmm...
I'd like to try to help.

Why do you think that you are attracted to the other guy?
What do you think is missing in your relationship?

 

[Kaiyle Brightblade]

Subliminal Aftermath

After reading the posts, hmmm...
I'd like to try to help.

Why do you think that you are attracted to the other guy?
What do you think is missing in your relationship?

That's an excellent question. It's really not something I had thought to ask myself.

So, right now I'm single. But in the past, I have been in relationships where towards the end I became attracted to someone else. It's been a different scenario every time. More than once, I have become attracted to someone else because my SO didn't treat me the way I wanted. Obviously that problem lies within the relationship itself, and I have learned that its best to end a relationship like that.

The other two cases pose more interesting problems. At this point I'm still in the process of figuring things out about myself, so my current explanations may change. I was in a relationship last year with someone I was initially very attracted to, but it fell apart. He was a perfect sweetheart, but somehow it wasn't what I expected or wanted. He didn't challenge me, and we didn't have the intellectual or emotional connection I had hoped to build. In that case I fell for someone else who seemed to promise me a deeper emotional connection.

And this last case is the most interesting. I was in a relationship that I was perfectly happy with. It was a semi-long distance relationship, and we only spent every other weekend together. We talked on the phone a few times a week, and honestly I didn't mind the freedom that the LDR afforded me. I enjoyed spending time with him, and in all the relationship made me happy. Unfortunately that didn't stop me from developing feelings for my friend. I think what I wanted in this case was someone I could see every day. If I can exclude potential relationships simply because we aren't able to see each other as often as I like, that bodes trouble for me.

Sorry for the lengthy response. I just wanted to be thorough. I think it was the right question for you to ask and for me to ask myself. I'm much more clear on where my old relationships went wrong and what I should look for in the future.