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 Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 8:45 pm
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 8:45 pm
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 8:46 pm
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 8:47 pm
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 8:48 pm
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 8:54 pm
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Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2012 9:05 pm
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 7:06 am
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Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2012 9:27 am
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Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 1:25 pm
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:05 pm
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XOXOXOX
██████Hmm, well, for today I shall scribble down what's been going on lately.
So, I started my little workout plan which consists of these belly dancing videos on YouTube. They are very fun and you feel awesome afterwards! (Although, your legs and arms may ache for a little bit). There are two versions that I do, one for Fitness and one for Fat Burning. The fat burning one is extreme! I had to take several breaks in between.
I have a couple of ideas for chapter 3 of the Sea of Clouds, however I haven't been inclined to bother writing it yet.
I need to trim the two bougainvillaeas in front of my bedroom window. They're taking over the house.
Perhaps sometime this week I could clean the house and maybe figure out how to spray Round-Up on the other flower bed so I can finally annihilate the weeds and re-plant either in the fall or next spring.
We were supposed to go camping but Rose's (Dad's girlfriend) truck brakes screwed up halfway to the camp ground and we had to turn back after a LONG, LONG LONG day sitting at Tire Kindgom and driving around Leesburg for most of the day. Then they quit working even after they got 'fixed'.
For some reason, last night (Friday night) I had a dream that I gave birth. I actually didn't feel any pain at all. That's all I remember. Also, I think I had a puppy and I was playing with the puppy. It was a Maltese I think. It was very screwed up and weird, that I can say for sure.
I'll write more tomorrow.
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 1:03 am
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Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2012 8:20 am
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Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2012 12:40 am
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Well this is going to seem really emotional and stupid, and no one will probably give two shits but oh well. I need to write it down. I haven't seen my ******** therapist in over a month and I need to tell somebody, even if it's just myself, in a post in a journal thread. Typing is a lot faster for me than writing plus I don't have to turn on the light. Here goes.
It seems like when one thing is going right, something else is completely ******** up. Nothing is ever one whole to me, it's one half. I used to be skinny, but my face and hair weren't pretty. Now my face and hair are nice and I'm a ******** fatass. I used to be really shy and quiet, but I was a good student. Now I'm a bit more confident (Albeit I like swearing a lot more) but I fail at EVERYTHING AND I'm stupid. I'm in a better financial situation (Well technically my dad is) but instead of using that money on THINGS THAT NEED TO GET DONE, (HMM, MY CITIZENSHIP WOULD BE A GREAT ******** IDEA, HINT ******** HINT) it gets spent on pointless stuff. I hate not being able to get a license and job like the rest of my perfect ******** friends.
I can't tell my dad anything anymore. Not that I was ever able to. I want to ask him some things (Like, when the ******** are you going to start working on my papers? What did you do with the money Nana gave you to do that? Hmm?) but I'm scared he's going to yell at me. Since I don't want to get yelled at I'm just going to do some subtle things to signal to him that I'm not feeling okay again. I'll do something really strange, but not destructive. In fact, productive.
It's like he doesn't really care. I understand he's busy I guess, but he's been putting off my legalization for 12 years (Pretty much when we moved here until now.) I know that he was told he didn't have to worry about it until I was 18, but it doesn't mean you procrastinate on MY ******** LIFE UNTIL THEN YOU ******** a*****e. DIDN'T YOU THINK THAT I WOULD WANT A JOB AND A DRIVER'S LICENSE WHEN I TURNED 16? DIDN'T YOU THINK THAT I WOULD GET PISSED AT YOU IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE I AM NOW? DIDN'T YOU THINK THAT I WOULD HATE YOU FOR THIS? GOD ******** DAMMIT IN ******** HELL, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? WHEN WE LIVED IN ILLINOIS YOU HAD THE PERFECT ******** OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE ME LEGAL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE s**t TO WORRY ABOUT. WHY DID YOU PUT IT OFF FOR SO LONG THAT IT'S NOW MAKING ME SUPER ******** ANGRY THAT I CAN'T GET A JOB LIKE I WANT? WELL GUESS WHAT, ********? IT TURNS OUT THAT 18 WAS NOT THE DEADLINE, HUH?
He likes to find every opportunity he can to point out all the things that are wrong with me. If he finds something he can conveniently blame me for, he does it. For example, he was trying to save a video in his (crappy) editing program to put on to YouTube, but it wasn't working. Around the same time I wanted to play a game on my laptop, but since I lost the receiver for my wireless mouse, I unplugged his and borrowed it. (He lets me do this?).
Well, he decided to blame HIS computer problems on me. Would unplugging a mouse seriously make a (crappy) video editing program lag to the point where it takes an hour to complete a simple instruction? (He told the video editor to cancel writing the video since it wasn't working?).
Guess what jerk. I highly doubt it was my fault. Highly.
I just...he's not a bad father at all. I just don't think he believes in me. He points out all my flaws in front of me and never acknowledges my good points. He knows I'm really depressed all the time but never makes an effort to help me. He makes it worse. He lost my trust completely. I can't tell him anything anymore. I was just thinking of telling Rose (sort of like my mom figure, I never talk to her though) about it but what the hell would she do? She can't do anything for me. She doesn't understand me at all. I mean, I guess she cares, but she doesn't understand how I am and never will.
She doesn't GET that I am a nerd and proud of it, she doesn't get that I like hipster-y stuff. Hell, I can't even tell my parents what my book is about because THEY JUST DON'T GET ME. THEY WOULDN'T ******** is why I need my ******** therapist. She would get me. It's her job to get me.
I just....I feel like if I tell Rose, she's going to...I dunno what she would do. It's just that I can only talk to her if dad takes me with him to her house when he visits, and then it's going to be really ******** awkward telling her about him when he's...well...right there...and it would be awkward to the second power telling him to stay in the house while we talk on the back porch.
I just....want to strangle myself or something. I can't wait to fall asleep so I can have a fresh new day. I just really needed to write something down.
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Posted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 2:32 pm
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Since the last time I posted, a lot changed.
I'm doing slightly better in school now, Mr. Korten was super proud of an essay I wrote for his
class and said it was one of the best he received! It was about modern music and
whether or not it is an art form or just a product.
However, it seems that the rest of my life still isn't quite up to par.
I lost 5 pounds so far in my weight loss goal, so that's good.
Tomorrow my best friend is coming over to my house to help me clean it, since my dad won't
do a single thing. I have a new ferret and while it's fun for him to climb and explore things, I worry
he might get stuck somewhere or get sick because of how dirty my house is. He's super cute
though, his name is Tuxedo. Plus, I get really depressed when I come home because of
the mess and my dad's refusal to do anything to help.
My guy friend/romance buddy treats me super well, but I want a more permanent relationship.
He is also very keen on getting into my pants while I'm still not sure if that's what I want.
Well, that's all I really feel like writing for now. Thoughts?
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