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My name is Faith. I am twenty years old, but I have been through more pain than many people twice my age. I don't believe that it makes me any wiser than those who have not been through pain (and each man feels his own pain just as deeply as I felt mine), but I do know that I have learned a lot from what I have been through.
I grew up in a family of six. My dad has been an alcoholic since he was a teenager. I don't remember a time when I wasn't aware of his problem, and even at a young age it affected me. He was never physically violent, but his words hurt more than any blow ever would have. I grew up with a low self-esteem and an eagerness to please everyone. The simplest correction by a teacher would crush me. Because of this, I did very well in school. I strove for perfection.
My siblings were just as broken by our complicated home life. My sister, Angie, has always been hard and quick tempered. She is still living a life of emotional turmoil and promiscuity. Jessie has always been rebellious and violent, always in trouble. And Matthew, my baby brother, has severe emotional problems because of everything going on while we were growing up.
I went to church with my mom and siblings, and we put on a brave face. People knew about my dad, but no one talked about it.
I honestly don't remember much of my childhood. Most of it has been blacked out from my memory.
In middle school I was shunned by my peers. People teased me and harassed me every day. On a few occasions, people came up to me and told me to go kill myself. The scars from those days didn't really begin to heal until years later.
In eighth grade, my parents decided to pick up our family and move us from California to Ohio. I was crushed. Upon arriving in Ohio, I began to get very ill. The doctors diagnosed me with severe allergies to wheat and eggs. With a limited diet, I began to lose weight. The weight loss caused me to be constantly ill with infections. I was weak, starving, and sick.
My time in Ohio was healing, however. For the first time I allowed myself to get really close to people. I made friends with a bunch of people in a local youth group, and my walk with God deepened. However, Satan was waiting to snatch me away. I began to view pornography. It was a struggle that I would not defeat for years.
As I became attached to people in Ohio, my parents decided to move us back to California. I left behind my friends and my first love. Up to that point, I had never been so heartbroken.
Shortly after arriving back in California, I finally gave my allergies up to God. I told Him that if this was the way He wanted me, I was fine with it. But if He wanted to heal me, I would be healed. I was healed that night and have been able to eat wheat and eggs ever since.
My sophomore year of high school I fell in love with a boy. He was Christian as well, but our relationship was troubled. His mother hated me (and Christians in general) and believed I was corrupting her son. She did all she could to keep us apart. However, this drove us together both emotionally and physically. We did not have sex, but our hands wandered. It crushed both of us, and we broke up shortly after the first incident.
A month after the breakup, I was a mess. But a charming young man came and seemed to make everything better. I did not realize that this boy, Nate, would become the things my nightmares would consist of, even to this day. He emotionally, physically, and sexually abused me for our entire 13-month relationship. Over a hundred times, he forced me to do things I did not want to do. However, I blamed myself. I figured that because I had done things with my previous boyfriend, I deserved to suffer sexual violence. He told me that if I ever left him, he would make sure I never had children (something I have always desired). I was afraid for my life and the life of my future children.
One day in church, I was praying to God for deliverance. I felt empowered by God to stand up to Nate, and I did. A week later, he broke up with me (I had thought I could "fix" the relationship, but when I stood up to him, I took away the one thing he wanted.).
The months afterward I was able to face the horrors of what he did. I told a few of my closest friends. One friends was a part of a local community theater with me. She turned against me when I told her what Nate had done to me, and she told everyone in the theater that I was telling a guy there that I was raped so he would take pity on me. I was kicked out of the theater for "causing drama." They told me that no one who had been through what I was claiming to have gone through could possibly smile and enjoy life as I seemed to be doing.
That sent me to a dark place and I did not tell anyone else about what happened for months. I finally decided to tell my Sunday School teacher. When I told her, she said, "Faith, I thought you were smarter than that." It crushed me.
I had a conversation with Nate about a year after the abuse ended. I asked him if he regretted what he did, and he told me that if he had a chance, he would do it all over again. I believed him.
In May of 2010, I met another charming guy named Lou. However, he only wanted to use me. We didn't have sex, but we did just about everything up to that point. I was so hurt and felt so dirty.
Things started changing for the better when I went to my college orientation. At that point, I had been seeing a counselor for a couple of months. I went to a prayer group the night before orientation and before I knew it, everyone was gathered around me praying that God would help me to know in a real way that He had made me pure. Up to that point, I felt dirty because of everything with Nate and the recent events with Lou. I was filled with joy again after that night.
Although an inner peace remained, things could not be perfect forever. I went home, and my dad was acting stranger than ever. On the night of July 1, 2010, my dad was acting so strange and having a hard time concentrating on driving. Angie, Matt, and I were in the car. I thought we were going to go off the edge of the road. I was terrified.
That night, I asked people if I could move in with them. I got one offer in Ohio, two miles from the campus I would be going to. I told my mom the next morning that I was moving out. She said that she blessed my decision, but that I had to know what happened the night before:
My father woke her up in the middle of the night and said something about making her rest in peace, and she became very afraid. She threw on her robe and ran outside and called the police. They came and took him away. He was under the influence of meth.
He was in jail for a day, then got out. He came to the house and was dancing on the front lawn, high again. He was shouting and upsetting the neighbors. My brother was at my aunt's house, where I left him. Thank God he didn't witness this. My sisters and cousin, however, were at the house. We all watched as the police took him away. An officer came to talk to my mom and seemed a little irritated that I was with her, but was less upset when he realized that I was the one holding everything together during the day while my mom was at work. They only kept my dad for a day, then let him go. He came home, and I was packing to move out.
The night before I left to move to Ohio, my mom and I were spending some time together. My dad came in and yelled at her, accusing her of having affairs and a double life. I defended her, saying, "You have no right to talk about double lives." We had found out that he had been buying, selling, and using drugs all of my life. However, he still lies and tells everyone that he only used drugs once. He kicked me out of the house, called my some unpleasant names, and told me that I would be useless as a pastor (I knew I was called to ministry). I left the house in tears and went to stay with my grandparents for the night.
School started and things began to get better for me. I met a man, Lee, who I dated for a year and a half of college. With his help and support, I finally beat my addiction to pornography. However, we realized that we were really more like siblings or best friends, so we broke off our engagement.
My sophomore year of college, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had to really struggle with God over it, because I didn't understand why God would give me problems with the chemicals in my mind. I have struggled with it, but with the right diet, working out, and sleeping, I have been able to manage it. It does not control my life.
When I was first diagnosed, though, I was put on a bipolar medication called Trileptal. It can cause memories that have been buried in your mind to come to the surface. I had always suspected that a male relative of mine had sexually abused me as a baby, and with the medication I began to have real memories about it. I had to face it in order to begin healing from it.
I began to date a man named Grant, and shortly after we began dating, I knew he was "the one." He had the same feelings for me, and we were married this past May. Although I still struggle with some of the things I lived through, God uses Grant and other positive influences in my life to help me get through. God has really blessed me, even through the painful times!
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