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 Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 9:32 am
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Hey guys, I changed the title to be my online journal. Please feel free to respond!!! I actually could use a lot of advice with what I go through, so if you have any, please respond ♥
Guys, I am going crazy over here. Today has been just awful and it's not even noon yet. For one, it's the death anniversary of my sweet baby niece Lillian. 3 years ago she was born still-born. :'( I miss her so much. She will always be our little Guardian Angel.
I also found out that a young man named Chris died as well. I first saw his named mentioned on my friend Leah's profile and at first I had no idea what Chris she was talking about, so I dismissed it from my mind. She knows a lot of people that I do not know, so I didn't think I knew him.
Well, I read another post of Facebook about praying for the Patzer family and it clicked that it was Chris Patzer who passed away. Now, I am in shock. I have no idea how he died, only that he is gone. I knew him from high school, but I knew both his parents really well. His mother was my 6th grade math teacher who I loved and her husband was the former vice principal of the high school.
Chris is a veteran and I am not sure if is death is military related or not. Either way, I ask that you pay your respects to him nonetheless for his service to America. If you are not American, at least pray or have sympathy for his family and friends.
On top of all this tragedy, there is a lot of family issues going on. Even my health has been an issue this month. I have not been online much because I have been very sick and and very busy trying to get my life back on track.
A month ago I was diagnosed with MRSA, a type of Staph Infection. In my case, it was severe and I was actually close to death when I was rushed to the hospital. Before I was diagnosed properly, I was in and out of the hospital because of an abscess that would not go away. After diagnosis, I was in the hospital for a week where I even had surgery to drain the abscess further.
I was in isolation for a while and I am glad that the worst is behind me. I have been having home care for the past 3 weeks, and even now, I am still healing from that ordeal. That was the scariest week of my life. The night I was taken to the ER, I was almost unconscious. I was very out of it, and I hardly remember anything.
Now, last weekend was my 21st birthday (I turned 21 on September 14). I was happy that I was allowed to drink at my party, so I did get drunk for the first time lol Everything started out fine, but almost ended in tragedy. My Grandpa Tittle was over and he drank too much and got very drunk, almost starting a huge fight with my brother. G. Tittle and my brother have never gotten along, so it was getting ugly.
We managed to get my Grandpa home safely, but soon after, he fell in the bathroom and almost broke his hip. Actually, we are fortunate that he is alive. When he fell he hit his head on the counter and almost cracked his skull. He was almost working his way to a heart attack and he was close to possibly having alcohol poisoning. At his age, he needs to be more careful, and I am glad he is all right.
When he was sober again, he was told what happened and he said he felt very foolish and apologized for ruining my birthday. I love him so much that I did not care about that--I am glad he is alive and safe.
That night, he had assaulted my brother, and he is not very forgiving. He holds grudges and is still upset abut the incident. He talks crap about everyone and is always so bitter. I do not know what to do about him. He is almost 23 years old and he acts so juvenile.
He is also abusive, putting me, my mom, and sister down all the time. Yesterday he said that he should have strangled me in my crib, and the night before he told my mom that she is stupid because she is Bipolar. I have lived with his verbal abuse for many years, and until CPS and Police were involved, he used to physically and sexually abuse us.CPS and Police have not done much at all, even back then, and that is very sad.
Though, my mom is sadly to blame as well. She is the one who kept finding ways to bail him out of jail and bring him home. I love my mom, but she hardly stands up for my sister ans I, as well as herself.
Now, you will probably tell me to get away or something like that, and I have tried! I was even living with a friend last year for a few months, but it did not work out. I do not make enough to live on my own, and I have no friends to move in with since they already have their living arrangements settled and do not need another roommate.
I also do not want to leave because I do not want to abandon my mom and sister to my brother. My sister is my best friend and I hate seeing her so neglected and abused. I am all she has. There are other reasons as well, but that is the main one.
I am angry a lot and I have so many breakdowns. A few months ago I ran away and thought about suicide again. I believe in God, but many times I feel alone and weak, allowing dark thoughts to enter my mind.
I don't know what to do. I am going crazy. The biggest issue in my family aside from abuse is money. I am the only one with a job (I do not count my dad really, he left us years ago and I pretty much hate him). and I get used a lot because I have an income.
Though, I have been on medical leave all month and had to rely on my mom to help me pay for my bills to get through this month. I feel terrible because she has her bills to pay and if not for some help fro my Aunt, we would have been evicted.
My brother keeps telling me how I do nothing and I know it's not true, his words get to me. He does nothing!! On top of work, I am a full time college student. I graduate in May with my Associates Degree and I cannot mess up now, but this stress has been hindering me. My brother does not work, and he is FINALLY in college after messing around after high school and such. All he seems to do is bully others. He even bullies my friends!!
Apparently, I am lazy and do nothing. What made me almost believe that statement is my Grandpa Schaper (Opa). I go to him when I am struggling, especially financially, and he always was there for me. He knows I work hard and wishes he could do more about my brother, but he has never let me down...until the other day when I went to him.
My car insurance was due and he said that he was going to help me, so when I came over, I was thinking that I was going to get help. I hate getting financial help because I feel like a moocher, but it was either get help or drive uninsured. Well, I ended up getting a lecture about how I need to go back to work and manage my money better instead. :'( He was there at the hospital with me and knew I was on medical leave from work, so it's not my fault I did not have the money! He said he was going to help me! I was crushed. The last thing I heard from him that day was how he was not a bank.
My mom paid my insurance and I felt even more shitty then.
I just don't get why I keep getting put down, used, lectured, and practically unloved. :'( I have worked so damn hard to get what I have and to maintain what I have, and I am always giving, giving, giving, to others, even those who abuse me, and yet I am the lazy moocher. :'(
Now, I HAVE to add that My Opa did come over today and gave me a little money and I do go back to work tomorrow, so that helps me financially for now, but emotionally, I am a wreck. :'(
Lord, this test of yours is becoming unbearable!! I feel myself breaking down, too weak to carry on. I need help!! Help from you and help from others.
I am turning to strangers in a guild because I have very few people in real life who listen to me.
HELP!!
I don't know how or what you can do, but anything from comforting words to prayers, to organizations that help is all welcome. I feel so lost and it's scary.
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 11:23 am
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 12:45 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 1:23 pm
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Radiant Mercy Well you know, you've got to just hang in there!
Try to get happy. Smile and show others your strength and how you cannot be walked all over.
Ignore the bad things.
Do.Not.Stress. It will make you sicker and increase your sadness.
Don't listent to those that put you down, and believe that things will get better in the end.
Lastly, have faith and stay strong. Cry if you need too. But things will get better. :]
I know, but that is easier said than done. I was doing better when I got a message from my friend Leah asking if I would like to hang out tonight, but before I could respond, she tells me never mind. Another friend of hers who just moved back is who she will be hanging out with instead. I know what it's like to have a friend move or be away for a long time and then come back and you want to see them ASAP, but I could really use a friend tonight to help me get through this.
I have not improved much at all today, the best I felt was when I was doing some hwk, but now I am like "FML" all over again. No one is here with me, or if they are, they are busy or do not understand how upset and depressed I am.
That false hope of a friend coming over crushed me, and I feel like a b***h because I want to hang with Leah and I feel jealous of Alex and I am selfish to say that I should maybe be more top priority given that my depression is not something to trifle with.
Leah has known me since Kindergarten, so she knows me and how I can be. I just want someone like her with me because she knows the real me and can actually help me.
Man, I sound like a drama queen right now. :'( UGH!!
Why can't I just be happy? You know what will happen, in a day or so, I will just bottle all of this and act like it didn't hurt me when in reality, it's almost unbearable. That's what I do. I vent and then hide it all inside.
I need actual help. I miss my therapist. |
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 2:17 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 4:00 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 5:22 pm
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Aristocrat In Pink Hello~! I'm the girl who replied to you on IAGT's Facebook page. (I'm Bethany) I've not been on here in a while but after reading your post I had to comment. My goodenss~! Your Brother is a t**t~! (If i've offended you then forgive my saying so) I am so sorry to hear all the shite you have gone through. It must be terrible and I can't believe your own brother would do this. Is there any way at all for you to go to the police and tell them that you don't feel safe? Also, don't feel bad about asking others for help, with money I mean. I understand how it feels perfectly (I don't even live on my own yet) but you'll pay them back one day and that is all that matters. What do you want to do? Please, ask yourself this and if you know this then please tell me. I mean, this is serious. (On a side note, my deepest condolences to your friend who recently passed. May he rest in peace) Please keep in touch. Rant all you want to me. I want you to know that I am here for you and I want to know that you are safe.
Thanks so much. I am not very patient at times either. I felt very alone and just wanted instant responses and I know it does not work that way. I am a bit better now when my friend did come over, surprising me. Thank God for that because I was crying and crying earlier. crying
I would love to move out to be away from the craziness of my mom's house. I wish my brother would just leave, but I know that will never happen. Hell, he does not even like driving without mom in the car. He never leaves her alone. xp
Having someone I can rant to would be very nice--I rant a lot. On Wattpad, I am writing a story about my life because some of my fans thought it is a story worth telling. Some of my friends say I am really strong for putting up with all this crap for so long. I don't feel strong though. sad
I still feel vulnerable and I hate it. I have been looking into counseling with a pastor from church. Spiritually, I need guidance as well. |
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 5:24 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 5:29 pm
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buckwolvhoosier little aishi chan
Hang in there! Let May be your motivation! Graduation, getting a better high paying job and being able to move on if you aren't able to with your current job right now. As far as your brother goes with her verbal abuse, I guess talking back might make it worse, so just let him talk and roll your eyes and be like "b***h bye!" or like "This coming from a jobless deadbeat, STFU!"
I'm sorry your grandma did you like that. My grandma disappoints me lot but I still love him anyways, lucky for me it's just the little things he messes up on.
I think you should help those who aren't jackasses to you. I mean if you owe them money then pay them but don't let them borrow anything else because they are going to think it is okay to talk trash to you and ask for your money.
Oh yeah, I have a problem of yelling back >.< I know I shouldn't, but after so many years of his trash talk, I am fed up and I blow up. burning_eyes One day, I was almost seeing red I was so upset. I let it get to me and I am not sure how I can stop his words from affecting me so.
You don't have to say it out loud, but just like say it in your mind when he says something because really he has no room to talk.
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 6:05 pm
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little aishi chan buckwolvhoosier little aishi chan
Hang in there! Let May be your motivation! Graduation, getting a better high paying job and being able to move on if you aren't able to with your current job right now. As far as your brother goes with her verbal abuse, I guess talking back might make it worse, so just let him talk and roll your eyes and be like "b***h bye!" or like "This coming from a jobless deadbeat, STFU!"
I'm sorry your grandma did you like that. My grandma disappoints me lot but I still love him anyways, lucky for me it's just the little things he messes up on.
I think you should help those who aren't jackasses to you. I mean if you owe them money then pay them but don't let them borrow anything else because they are going to think it is okay to talk trash to you and ask for your money.
Oh yeah, I have a problem of yelling back >.< I know I shouldn't, but after so many years of his trash talk, I am fed up and I blow up. burning_eyes One day, I was almost seeing red I was so upset. I let it get to me and I am not sure how I can stop his words from affecting me so.
You don't have to say it out loud, but just like say it in your mind when he says something because really he has no room to talk.
I guess I can try that, but no guarantee's lol |
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 6:27 pm
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buckwolvhoosier Aristocrat In Pink Hello~! I'm the girl who replied to you on IAGT's Facebook page. (I'm Bethany) I've not been on here in a while but after reading your post I had to comment. My goodenss~! Your Brother is a t**t~! (If i've offended you then forgive my saying so) I am so sorry to hear all the shite you have gone through. It must be terrible and I can't believe your own brother would do this. Is there any way at all for you to go to the police and tell them that you don't feel safe? Also, don't feel bad about asking others for help, with money I mean. I understand how it feels perfectly (I don't even live on my own yet) but you'll pay them back one day and that is all that matters. What do you want to do? Please, ask yourself this and if you know this then please tell me. I mean, this is serious. (On a side note, my deepest condolences to your friend who recently passed. May he rest in peace) Please keep in touch. Rant all you want to me. I want you to know that I am here for you and I want to know that you are safe. Thanks so much. I am not very patient at times either. I felt very alone and just wanted instant responses and I know it does not work that way. I am a bit better now when my friend did come over, surprising me. Thank God for that because I was crying and crying earlier. crying I would love to move out to be away from the craziness of my mom's house. I wish my brother would just leave, but I know that will never happen. Hell, he does not even like driving without mom in the car. He never leaves her alone. xp Having someone I can rant to would be very nice--I rant a lot. On Wattpad, I am writing a story about my life because some of my fans thought it is a story worth telling. Some of my friends say I am really strong for putting up with all this crap for so long. I don't feel strong though. sad I still feel vulnerable and I hate it. I have been looking into counseling with a pastor from church. Spiritually, I need guidance as well.
Darling... It is completely understandable that you want responses ASAP.
My god... I'd want the exact same thing, too~! For people to response as quickly as possible if I were in the same situation so don't be apologetic or feel bad, either. *hugs*
I'm glad to hear that your friend came 'round.
Friends can help more than they realise, sometimes, <3
Forgive me, and correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like your Brother is causing most of the trauma in you and your familie's lives.
I would give anything to help you, I truly would but I feel so helpless right now.
Is there anyone you could go and speak to about your problems?
You mentioned a therapist? I once saw a therapist, too and she was awesome~!
Could you see them again? (If you think they can help, I mean)
To be honest, I think you are AMAZINGLY strong for dealing with what you have dealt with and I mean that very positively.
Go you~! You're awesome~!
I mean it when I say you can rant to me as much as you wish.
I want to help as much as I can.
And I will not leave you alone unless you want to be~!
Please, keep in touch~!
We're all here for you~!
*hugs* |
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Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2012 6:51 pm
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Aristocrat In Pink Darling... It is completely understandable that you want responses ASAP. My god... I'd want the exact same thing, too~! For people to response as quickly as possible if I were in the same situation so don't be apologetic or feel bad, either. *hugs* I'm glad to hear that your friend came 'round. Friends can help more than they realise, sometimes, <3 Forgive me, and correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like your Brother is causing most of the trauma in you and your familie's lives. I would give anything to help you, I truly would but I feel so helpless right now. Is there anyone you could go and speak to about your problems? You mentioned a therapist? I once saw a therapist, too and she was awesome~! Could you see them again? (If you think they can help, I mean) To be honest, I think you are AMAZINGLY strong for dealing with what you have dealt with and I mean that very positively. Go you~! You're awesome~! I mean it when I say you can rant to me as much as you wish. I want to help as much as I can. And I will not leave you alone unless you want to be~! Please, keep in touch~! We're all here for you~! *hugs*
I am sad now because she had to leave, but I am very grateful for her to see me today. I love that girl so much--one of the only true friends I have. She is one of the reasons why I could never take my life because I know deep down that there are those who really do love me and could not bear to see me gone.
Then, my belief in God stays my hand. I try to pray when I am in need. I listen to a ton of Christian music, so I will also try to play some of my favorite songs to get me to calm down or cheer up.
That does not always work on days like today when it really is hard to be happy. When my friend was over, she made me laugh, but now that she is gone, I feel empty again and just feel like crying. :/
I would love to see a therapist again, and the main problem I have had is paying for one. Money has always been an issue. Though, I am sure there are other ways to get help, like through a private organization or something. My problem is taking that step to find a way to get help.
When I have days like today, I vent, chat with friends or people like you who care, and then I bottle it up and move on until I have another breakdown. I never get to the root of my problem this way since I am always trying to avoid it. I am so used to doing that and changing this is not easy.
I have to factor school and work too. Between the two I do not have much time, but if I were more determined, I can make it work.
Aside from a therapist, I am not sure who else I can turn to aside from friends and such. :/
Though, even with a therapist, I am not as open about my feelings and problems as I am with a friend. I was open enough in the past, but little got done--the therapist thought I was doing all right and I wasn't. Funny how I can vent online and not to a "professional". :/ |
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Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 1:20 pm
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buckwolvhoosier Radiant Mercy Well you know, you've got to just hang in there!
Try to get happy. Smile and show others your strength and how you cannot be walked all over.
Ignore the bad things.
Do.Not.Stress. It will make you sicker and increase your sadness.
Don't listent to those that put you down, and believe that things will get better in the end.
Lastly, have faith and stay strong. Cry if you need too. But things will get better. :] I know, but that is easier said than done. I was doing better when I got a message from my friend Leah asking if I would like to hang out tonight, but before I could respond, she tells me never mind. Another friend of hers who just moved back is who she will be hanging out with instead. I know what it's like to have a friend move or be away for a long time and then come back and you want to see them ASAP, but I could really use a friend tonight to help me get through this. I have not improved much at all today, the best I felt was when I was doing some hwk, but now I am like "FML" all over again. No one is here with me, or if they are, they are busy or do not understand how upset and depressed I am. That false hope of a friend coming over crushed me, and I feel like a b***h because I want to hang with Leah and I feel jealous of Alex and I am selfish to say that I should maybe be more top priority given that my depression is not something to trifle with. Leah has known me since Kindergarten, so she knows me and how I can be. I just want someone like her with me because she knows the real me and can actually help me. Man, I sound like a drama queen right now. :'( UGH!! Why can't I just be happy? You know what will happen, in a day or so, I will just bottle all of this and act like it didn't hurt me when in reality, it's almost unbearable. That's what I do. I vent and then hide it all inside. I need actual help. I miss my therapist.
What happened to your therapist? Well, if she can no longer be available, find a trusty, honest friend to vent too. That's what I do.
And rant on to them until no end.c : |
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Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 6:44 pm
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Radiant Mercy buckwolvhoosier Radiant Mercy Well you know, you've got to just hang in there!
Try to get happy. Smile and show others your strength and how you cannot be walked all over.
Ignore the bad things.
Do.Not.Stress. It will make you sicker and increase your sadness.
Don't listent to those that put you down, and believe that things will get better in the end.
Lastly, have faith and stay strong. Cry if you need too. But things will get better. :] I know, but that is easier said than done. I was doing better when I got a message from my friend Leah asking if I would like to hang out tonight, but before I could respond, she tells me never mind. Another friend of hers who just moved back is who she will be hanging out with instead. I know what it's like to have a friend move or be away for a long time and then come back and you want to see them ASAP, but I could really use a friend tonight to help me get through this. I have not improved much at all today, the best I felt was when I was doing some hwk, but now I am like "FML" all over again. No one is here with me, or if they are, they are busy or do not understand how upset and depressed I am. That false hope of a friend coming over crushed me, and I feel like a b***h because I want to hang with Leah and I feel jealous of Alex and I am selfish to say that I should maybe be more top priority given that my depression is not something to trifle with. Leah has known me since Kindergarten, so she knows me and how I can be. I just want someone like her with me because she knows the real me and can actually help me. Man, I sound like a drama queen right now. :'( UGH!! Why can't I just be happy? You know what will happen, in a day or so, I will just bottle all of this and act like it didn't hurt me when in reality, it's almost unbearable. That's what I do. I vent and then hide it all inside. I need actual help. I miss my therapist. What happened to your therapist? Well, if she can no longer be available, find a trusty, honest friend to vent too. That's what I do.
And rant on to them until no end.c :
We could not afford the sessions. sad
I do! I rant all the time to my friends, but it does not solve my problems. With the therapist, I did not just vent. She had ideas, activities, etc. that helped me. She was really nice and very helpful and informative.
I know that the therapist cannot solve my problems either, only I can, but she was able to get me to solve them better than my friends. |
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Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 7:04 pm
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Well, I have some updates to post. I managed to talk to my mom in private about Erik and we have decided that we are gonna try and get him help at Riverwood. Riverwood is a facility that helps those who have a mental illness or need therapy.
My mom is diagnosed with Bipolar type II with mild Schizophrenia, and based from what I have researched and have observed, I have a STRONG feeling that my brother may have a mental illness as well. I actually feel that he is more Schizophrenic than anything.
My brother always thinks that he is entitled even though he has done nothing to achieve what he has. He thinks that things that are not his are his. Like my mom's car and money, he calls it HIS car and HIS money!
He always feels like people are out to get him. He lives in seclusion because he thinks people spy on him through the window. He always has to look up those spam phone calls wanting to know who was calling; the past few days he got spam calls from someone who left weird voice messages and he thought the person was harassing him on purpose!
He does not like doing anything on his own. Whenever he needs to go somewhere, he always likes to have mom go with him. It took us a while to get him to try and drive by himself because he did not want to.
There are times where he said he has heard things in his head, or he has dreamed some messed up things and thinks someone is out to get him.
A lot of his actions reveal symptoms of Paranoid Schizophrenia.
I also think he is Bipolar, but his Schizophrenic tendencies show up more.
As a child, he was diagnosed with Borderline Bipolar, so maybe now he is full Bipolar since it is a progressive disorder, much like Schizophrenia.
He has never been medicated, but I think he should be. It might really help him. My brother is not always an a*****e, I have seen his nice side a few times, but for the past few years, he has been getting worse.
I am afraid that he will make a scene in public and get arrested or placed in a mental hospital (if that is even politically correct to say). That happened to my mom. She was hospitalized twice actually for her Bipolar.
What do you guys think?
Anyways, regarding me, I am doing better. I went back to work yesterday and I LOVED it. I am so grateful to have such amazing co-workers and managers. I got so many "welcome back" and "glad you are feeling better" remarks that made me smile. Apparently, there was a rumor going around that I had back surgery o.O
I had to tell them that I did have surgery, just not on my back. I went to the hospital initially due to extreme back pain, but my final diagnosis was MRSA, a Staph Infection. When I told them that, their eyes bulged. eek
Well, that is pretty much it. I will keep posting in here to rant or to keep you updated.
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