Dearest Loveless,
Considering how much we tend to clash depending on the subject at hand, I'm amazed that I can still fathom being your friend.
You're as stubborn as I can be at times, and when we bash heads in an argument I can't help but feel this overwhelming flush of emotion. You make me so angry! You make me feel like hating you! You make it to where I just want to charge at you with battering horns ready and just, just!...
Hold you...
Though after we bicker your mood either sours or fizzles out, for me I just bubble and continue to fizz with this insatiable need to just... Just be able to take you into my arms and thank God for giving me a friend like you. A friend that can instill so much rage that I'm practically grinding my teeth and ready to punch through a wall!
And I know, I know that must sound like an awfully strange thing for me to say about you, and about fighting with a person in general. But, you just don't seem to grasp the ulterior meaning behind it the way I can see it. You just don't realize how much it means to me to have someone who can push on my buttons the way that you do. With so many opposites and similarities, you're of the few that can stoke my emotions, and seemingly do it with so little effort.
Plus, fighting with you shows another side of your person that fuels my curiosity all the more. I love just getting to speak to you. Just being able to hear what you have to say is enough to make the rest of my day all giddy! I enjoy it, getting to argue. Because, when we do, you open up a whole lot more than you ever seem to be willing to when we're both passive.
Behind that calm mask there is something there that is intriguing enough to set me on edge every time I get close to revealing a portion of it. I get light headed, I start shaking at the peak of the argument when you get so heated on the subject that you start to yell.
Yet, why? ...
Because, it's then that your natural inclination to hold back certain things is considerably loosened. Your words slip, and you let go of tidbits that allow me to piece together just how you really seem to feel.
You're so closed up, but in those few moments where the things bottled up inside start to bubble over, that's when I'm able to see flashes of the person that I so desperately wish I knew. I want to get to know the ins and outs, everything about you. I want to know what you like, what you dislike, what scares you, what empowers you. I want to be able to read you like a book till I can quote the contents of the pages!
Likewise, I have these little wishes I keep to myself where you return the sentiment, and would like to get to know me, too. It's nice to think that you'd carry an interest, yourself. But I know that in all likeliness these pale feelings I have won't readily be returned with even a sliver of the same magnitude.
Much less will these flushed feelings flourish. From our outbursts I've already concluded that, for now, matters of love don't hold a candle to the other things that you want.
It's such a frustration, though - knowing I'm likely to loose you to the more important things that you're wanting in life.
You equate relationships in such a way that I wonder if you'll ever let someone come in and prove you wrong. Whether the reason for you being this way has anything to do with your own experiences or not, I still don't know. But if I could find the courage within myself to try and show you how things can be different, I'd do it!
With all my heart and soul I would try! With everything I had I would do all in my power to somehow show you my perspective! Show you that there is more than just affection without feeling, that you can end the loneliness and the strife without having to drown it out with merely the fleeting physical things.
Though let's face it, with how I hesitate and can't seem to garner the wherewithal to divulge all this to you, there's no point in it. Not to mention it's something you've already heard before, so why reiterate?
Even so, from skin to my marrow I'd do anything and everything in order to give you the same measure of support as you've gifted me throughout our friendship. Because of you I've grown to be a different person than I would have been without your presence in my life.
That's partly what I meant when I said that, when it comes to girls, strings are always attached. Creatures that think and feel with deliberacy can turn a simple meeting into something that will leave an impression to the extent that it sincerely changes their life. It can change the way that they think, how they feel, their world view of the planet around them...
And oh, it's so disheartening to feel like I've left no mark on you, when here all along you've left your fingerprints all over me! My mind and my heart are littered with the evidences of your tampering, whether intentional or accidental. You've connected yourself to me and my memory by countless strings, and though physically those strings can be cut, no matter what, the mental and emotional threads will not be gotten rid of.
Even if you try your hardest to cut them, there will always be leftover loose ends. Even if I'm the one stuck carrying all those loose strings, and your cut remains clean...
And that brief thought of losing you now instills me with this melancholy, sullen feeling. To envision it I'd describe a weight of steel in my chest, like all those weapons used to maim my emotions are finally getting the better of me. Every knife and razor to my heart, every harpoon to gouge out how I feel, every chain to ensnare my emotions, and the coffin of concrete to lock away what all I so desperately want to say weighs heavy upon me.
There is a guilt in me that thinks itself so selfish for feeling so much in such a way towards you. I know you don't return what I wish to give, and I know you want nothing to do with me or my flushed sympathies. But oh... Loveless, I would love you unrequitedly just for the opportunity to love you at all.
Loveless, the falsity of infatuation and lust aren't what I mean when I tell you those three words. Even if you never feel the same, even if you would rather run away than to stay my friend in lieu of my affections, I would still feel the urge to give what I could in order to see you succeed in life. And though I may not be able to give you all you want, I'd do everything to give you what it is that you're truly needing.
There is something pushing me, driving me, telling me that I'm supposed to get through to you, I'm supposed to bring about some form of change. But, I'm so lost... I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do, or how to go about it, or even when it is that I'm supposed to exact it!
It's just one huge unknown looming above me in face of this unspoken turmoil between us. You're oblivious, and here in my corner I'm left to the overtly dramaticized questions of when, why, and how.
I'm so afraid that I'll miss the opportunity, and it'll be gone forever. I pray for guidance, even though typically I used to not pray. I think on the future when I used to only worry about the present. I offer myself up to the difficult task laid before me when, used to, I'd want to step away from that which would be hard or tedious.
I wish to stay modest and not call it a selfless act, but is honest love not a selfless love? Is it not considered unconditional or sacrificial when you love someone, and just want to see that they're happy in life? Is it all even true? Is it really so honest, or is it still so selfish, this love that I feel in regard to you? I tend to question it all the time...
Sweet Loveless, if what I feel isn't honest and isn't real, then please, oh God, please don't let me mar you with my emotion. Please, for the sake of my sanity don't let me be the bearer of cancerous devotion. I can not bare it.
I just... keep going on, and on, and on. Every word, every thought, every feeling pent up inside is falling hastily onto paper. Now that you've settled yourself to sleep I can freely use this pen of mine to voice what I cannot say to you directly. It's so freeing to be able to bring my thoughts outside into the open, even in the form of a letter I will never send you.
I can write to you about all the big things I worry about and wish I could tell you, and write about all the little things, too.
I bet to write down all of it would wear away my hands, even.
Already my fingers are weary. Surely I can't write to my heart's true content, but here on paper I've written enough to where these festering feelings can finally somewhat decompress.
I'm sure to write another letter soon, but like always I'll be sure not to go the distance and address it to you. Loveless, I'm too afraid to. Just this letter alone is too much to reveal, much less the others to follow suit.
But if ever you're reading this, just let me apologize now for not being forward enough to say it up front or in person. Forgive me for holding you back with these reach-around feelings I have for you....
Just know that, secretly, you're the most irreplaceable person in my life, and damn it all--
I love you.
Forever your unrequited Moirail,
Heartless.
Considering how much we tend to clash depending on the subject at hand, I'm amazed that I can still fathom being your friend.
You're as stubborn as I can be at times, and when we bash heads in an argument I can't help but feel this overwhelming flush of emotion. You make me so angry! You make me feel like hating you! You make it to where I just want to charge at you with battering horns ready and just, just!...
Hold you...
Though after we bicker your mood either sours or fizzles out, for me I just bubble and continue to fizz with this insatiable need to just... Just be able to take you into my arms and thank God for giving me a friend like you. A friend that can instill so much rage that I'm practically grinding my teeth and ready to punch through a wall!
And I know, I know that must sound like an awfully strange thing for me to say about you, and about fighting with a person in general. But, you just don't seem to grasp the ulterior meaning behind it the way I can see it. You just don't realize how much it means to me to have someone who can push on my buttons the way that you do. With so many opposites and similarities, you're of the few that can stoke my emotions, and seemingly do it with so little effort.
Plus, fighting with you shows another side of your person that fuels my curiosity all the more. I love just getting to speak to you. Just being able to hear what you have to say is enough to make the rest of my day all giddy! I enjoy it, getting to argue. Because, when we do, you open up a whole lot more than you ever seem to be willing to when we're both passive.
Behind that calm mask there is something there that is intriguing enough to set me on edge every time I get close to revealing a portion of it. I get light headed, I start shaking at the peak of the argument when you get so heated on the subject that you start to yell.
Yet, why? ...
Because, it's then that your natural inclination to hold back certain things is considerably loosened. Your words slip, and you let go of tidbits that allow me to piece together just how you really seem to feel.
You're so closed up, but in those few moments where the things bottled up inside start to bubble over, that's when I'm able to see flashes of the person that I so desperately wish I knew. I want to get to know the ins and outs, everything about you. I want to know what you like, what you dislike, what scares you, what empowers you. I want to be able to read you like a book till I can quote the contents of the pages!
Likewise, I have these little wishes I keep to myself where you return the sentiment, and would like to get to know me, too. It's nice to think that you'd carry an interest, yourself. But I know that in all likeliness these pale feelings I have won't readily be returned with even a sliver of the same magnitude.
Much less will these flushed feelings flourish. From our outbursts I've already concluded that, for now, matters of love don't hold a candle to the other things that you want.
It's such a frustration, though - knowing I'm likely to loose you to the more important things that you're wanting in life.
You equate relationships in such a way that I wonder if you'll ever let someone come in and prove you wrong. Whether the reason for you being this way has anything to do with your own experiences or not, I still don't know. But if I could find the courage within myself to try and show you how things can be different, I'd do it!
With all my heart and soul I would try! With everything I had I would do all in my power to somehow show you my perspective! Show you that there is more than just affection without feeling, that you can end the loneliness and the strife without having to drown it out with merely the fleeting physical things.
Though let's face it, with how I hesitate and can't seem to garner the wherewithal to divulge all this to you, there's no point in it. Not to mention it's something you've already heard before, so why reiterate?
Even so, from skin to my marrow I'd do anything and everything in order to give you the same measure of support as you've gifted me throughout our friendship. Because of you I've grown to be a different person than I would have been without your presence in my life.
That's partly what I meant when I said that, when it comes to girls, strings are always attached. Creatures that think and feel with deliberacy can turn a simple meeting into something that will leave an impression to the extent that it sincerely changes their life. It can change the way that they think, how they feel, their world view of the planet around them...
And oh, it's so disheartening to feel like I've left no mark on you, when here all along you've left your fingerprints all over me! My mind and my heart are littered with the evidences of your tampering, whether intentional or accidental. You've connected yourself to me and my memory by countless strings, and though physically those strings can be cut, no matter what, the mental and emotional threads will not be gotten rid of.
Even if you try your hardest to cut them, there will always be leftover loose ends. Even if I'm the one stuck carrying all those loose strings, and your cut remains clean...
And that brief thought of losing you now instills me with this melancholy, sullen feeling. To envision it I'd describe a weight of steel in my chest, like all those weapons used to maim my emotions are finally getting the better of me. Every knife and razor to my heart, every harpoon to gouge out how I feel, every chain to ensnare my emotions, and the coffin of concrete to lock away what all I so desperately want to say weighs heavy upon me.
There is a guilt in me that thinks itself so selfish for feeling so much in such a way towards you. I know you don't return what I wish to give, and I know you want nothing to do with me or my flushed sympathies. But oh... Loveless, I would love you unrequitedly just for the opportunity to love you at all.
Loveless, the falsity of infatuation and lust aren't what I mean when I tell you those three words. Even if you never feel the same, even if you would rather run away than to stay my friend in lieu of my affections, I would still feel the urge to give what I could in order to see you succeed in life. And though I may not be able to give you all you want, I'd do everything to give you what it is that you're truly needing.
There is something pushing me, driving me, telling me that I'm supposed to get through to you, I'm supposed to bring about some form of change. But, I'm so lost... I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do, or how to go about it, or even when it is that I'm supposed to exact it!
It's just one huge unknown looming above me in face of this unspoken turmoil between us. You're oblivious, and here in my corner I'm left to the overtly dramaticized questions of when, why, and how.
I'm so afraid that I'll miss the opportunity, and it'll be gone forever. I pray for guidance, even though typically I used to not pray. I think on the future when I used to only worry about the present. I offer myself up to the difficult task laid before me when, used to, I'd want to step away from that which would be hard or tedious.
I wish to stay modest and not call it a selfless act, but is honest love not a selfless love? Is it not considered unconditional or sacrificial when you love someone, and just want to see that they're happy in life? Is it all even true? Is it really so honest, or is it still so selfish, this love that I feel in regard to you? I tend to question it all the time...
Sweet Loveless, if what I feel isn't honest and isn't real, then please, oh God, please don't let me mar you with my emotion. Please, for the sake of my sanity don't let me be the bearer of cancerous devotion. I can not bare it.
I just... keep going on, and on, and on. Every word, every thought, every feeling pent up inside is falling hastily onto paper. Now that you've settled yourself to sleep I can freely use this pen of mine to voice what I cannot say to you directly. It's so freeing to be able to bring my thoughts outside into the open, even in the form of a letter I will never send you.
I can write to you about all the big things I worry about and wish I could tell you, and write about all the little things, too.
I bet to write down all of it would wear away my hands, even.
Already my fingers are weary. Surely I can't write to my heart's true content, but here on paper I've written enough to where these festering feelings can finally somewhat decompress.
I'm sure to write another letter soon, but like always I'll be sure not to go the distance and address it to you. Loveless, I'm too afraid to. Just this letter alone is too much to reveal, much less the others to follow suit.
But if ever you're reading this, just let me apologize now for not being forward enough to say it up front or in person. Forgive me for holding you back with these reach-around feelings I have for you....
Just know that, secretly, you're the most irreplaceable person in my life, and damn it all--
I love you.
Forever your unrequited Moirail,
Heartless.
