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 Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 9:10 pm
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 9:51 pm
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Where do you turn when the only person within a 100 mile radius that you actually like and trust completely crumbles everything that you thought you had? Not only has he completely destroyed my trust in him by lying to me.. to my face.. while looking me in the eye.. and swearing that he was being honest.. over and over again.. almost every day for almost a week.. but he has also made me wonder if he has ever done this before. If he has ever lied to me about anything important.. or anything that actually has meant something to me. About.. anything.. or everything. I suppose I still trust that he was at least honest with me throughout the most part of the time that I've known him.. but I don't know what or how much he has lied to me about recently. Ya know, it's kinda funny.. he claims that he lied to me because he was scared.. but he knows that breaking my trust hurts me way more than telling me the truth. He claims to respect me.. even now.. so why to I feel so completely disrespected by him? I actually trusted him. I really did. Maybe I was naive.. or foolish.. or.. I don't know. I don't find it easy to trust anyone.. so I guess when I had been around him so much for the past 6-7 years that trust just built up. The man is.. was.. I don't know at this point.. my best friend (outside of my bf) and now I feel completely crushed by him. He was supposed to be my friend. He was supposed to be honest with me about anything.. everything. That was our agreement, I've always held up my end. I thought that he would do the same. I can't even explain how this has made me feel. I've tried. I kinda feel like part of me has died.. well, I suppose it has.. but I also feel like the person that I thought I knew has died as well. It hurts. It does.. and I have no idea what to do.
I think about it, I want to cry. I look at him, I want to cry. I can't talk about it.. or I cry. I feel so utterly and completely deceived. I feel so broken. I see him every day. I talk to him every day. He knows how I feel.. he knows what he has done. He apologized.. but that doesn't make anything better. That doesn't change anything.. at all. Especially since he went about everything so seamlessly. Not even having the courage to tell me that he lied to me and rectifying his actions. Not even bringing it up again with me.. then, when I ask about it he admits that he lied, adds a little more to it, then swears to me that he has told me the whole thing and it's the complete and honest truth, while once again looking me in the eyes, promising to it, and apologizing.. only for me to find out yet again that he was lying to me. He did it over, and over, and over.. and I don't even know if he would have stopped if I hadn't gotten upset over being lied to
He was the only thing left in this town that I had. The only person that I liked to be around.. the only person that I could go to about anything. And now? Now I have nothing. He's still here but it doesn't feel the same at all. It feels so empty and lonely. I just want to get away. The only person that I even remotely have any faith in or trust toward anymore is almost 400 miles away from me.. and I only get to talk to him about once a week at the moment, if that. At least I have him though.. for me, he is the little ray of light peeking through the rubble of this tunnel that has completely caved in around me. My life here has completely caved in around me. I just want to be there with him already so that I can get away from every thing here and just forget about all of this. I just want it to be over. I just want to actually be happy. I don't want to be fighting this massive void that keeps trying to come on.. or the urge to fall back into the old routine that I used to have. Why is it so hard to just be able to be honest with people and to just have some form of friendship or support? Is that really too much to ask for? I am really starting to think so.. it's staring to seem completely pointless to even try.
So, sir.. if the last thing you ever wanted to do, if the one thing that you never wanted to happen, was for you to hurt me, then congratulations, but you failed. Because I'm not just hurt.. I have been completely crushed by your actions. I was completely blind sided by the whole situation and I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around it all. It's too late to change anything here, but maybe this will make you realize what your words can actually do.. and maybe this will make you see the error in you ways.. because, honestly, I can't even look at you right now and be completely okay. It hurts too much.
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2012 11:37 pm
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