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i r i d e s s i c a n c e

Blessed Friend

PostPosted: Wed Dec 26, 2012 11:25 pm
What does the Bible say about sex and sexual activities before marriage?

I know many Christians say it's wrong, unethical, and any sexual activity is usually considered vulgar. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years as of this March. For the past couple years and it's been rare more so we would "attempt" sex. Due to some complications, which I'd rather not get into unless need be, it wouldn't work and I haven't even bled. He hasn't been fully inside me that I'm aware of. Also, yes we ALWAYS have used protection. But, for the past 4 years and usually regularly whenever we have seen each other a few times a week, we would get intimate with each other, and still do. Not attempt sex, but you know foreplay......

Well, in the past I've thought it was my problem with being sexually assaulted 3 different times that made me feel so bad and disgusted each time. And for 2 years I felt that bad. The 3rd year things were better, but still off, and then this year things have been better, but still off. I mean, it's kinda weird, but now I don't feel right doing foreplay and usually try to find a way to get out of it. It's really bad considering this is the guy I truly want to spend the rest of my life with. It's not a low labido thing at all. I'm guessing it's the guilt that I may be sinning and have been repeatedly over and over. I pray, but still a day or two later I find myself praying about how sorry I am for the foreplay/intimacy.

So I'm wanting to know, is it wrong to have sex/intimate relations with your significant other before marriage? What does the Bible say for/against it? If it feels right, should you continue to do it or stop? Should you stop if it's wrong? Considering we've been engaged for a year now and still plan on marrying each other in the next year or two, would it be wrong to at this point (considering we are very committed to each other), to continue? Would it be okay to stay intimate or continue to try on occasion for the "home run"?

I'm lucky I have a very understanding fiance, for he says that relationships aren't based purely on intimate relations, but by enjoying each others company, which we do. It's just, lately the passion in him has been rising and in a way, I want to enjoy it, but something is holding me back. And, this is something that means a lot to me that I want to get sorted out for sure. I could definitely use some insight.

Thank you! God bless!  
PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:32 am
I'd be a hypocrite in telling you what to do since I've made my sins in the past, but looking straight at the Bible it appears to be better to wait, and not defile the ,marriage bed. Pray and wait and see the benefits instead of rush into something you'll regret later. I'm sorry but that's the best advice I can give. Again I do not want to stand in your way nor decide for you but it is better to wait. I pray that you both stand on God's word and not on your own fleshly desires. Hope this helps. ^^;  

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:26 am
I would recommend reading 1 Corinthians 7 in its entirety. If you don't have the gift of celibacy like Paul, marriage is suppose to be the solution to your lust problems.

Quote:
1 Corinthians 7:9 (NIV)

9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.


There's no in-between. The christian shouldn't be burning with lust: you're either successfully celibate or married. Is there a reason you're putting off marriage? Is it because of a ceremony? You could get married legally and have a celebration afterwards. The celebration isn't the marriage, it's just a tradition. And, as long as it doesn't contradict the word, we should follow the laws of our country to be legit married (Romans 13:1-7).  
PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 3:51 pm
Hamul
I'd be a hypocrite in telling you what to do since I've made my sins in the past, but looking straight at the Bible it appears to be better to wait, and not defile the ,marriage bed. Pray and wait and see the benefits instead of rush into something you'll regret later. I'm sorry but that's the best advice I can give. Again I do not want to stand in your way nor decide for you but it is better to wait. I pray that you both stand on God's word and not on your own fleshly desires. Hope this helps. ^^;


I understand. But, it's kinda hard. I mean, when we've done intimate things I look past his physical being and it's more in depth, like litterally bonding with him on a deeper level. Like not caring what we do, but more of the time of what we are experiencing together and the togetherness. It's so weird to explain. But it's not like I lust for the flesh, if anything I lust for the bond with him and that bond isn't sex, it's just bonding with him as if we were one. Wanting to be close as possible with him. If that makes sense?  

i r i d e s s i c a n c e

Blessed Friend


i r i d e s s i c a n c e

Blessed Friend

PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 3:58 pm
real eyes realize
I would recommend reading 1 Corinthians 7 in its entirety. If you don't have the gift of celibacy like Paul, marriage is suppose to be the solution to your lust problems.

Quote:
1 Corinthians 7:9 (NIV)

9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.


There's no in-between. The christian shouldn't be burning with lust: you're either successfully celibate or married. Is there a reason you're putting off marriage? Is it because of a ceremony? You could get married legally and have a celebration afterwards. The celebration isn't the marriage, it's just a tradition. And, as long as it doesn't contradict the word, we should follow the laws of our country to be legit married (Romans 13:1-7).


The only thing stopping us from being married is our financial situation. We would have been married back in September, but I was unfairly forced to resign my job back in June and then have had no luck with being able to get a job, and then I got extremely sick since the end of September until the middle of December, and I'm still recovering. I'm like 95-98% okay most of the time, but still my down days get me good. So, I've been submitting job applications like crazy, and I still need my own insurance as well as he having insurance. Or, at least me for sure since I'm the sickly one compared to him. It's really saddening.

And as I told Hamul,
"when we've done intimate things I look past his physical being and it's more in depth, like litterally bonding with him on a deeper level. Like not caring what we do, but more of the time of what we are experiencing together and the togetherness. It's so weird to explain. But it's not like I lust for the flesh, if anything I lust for the bond with him and that bond isn't sex, it's just bonding with him as if we were one. Wanting to be close as possible with him. If that makes sense?"

Also, on a better level the closeness doesn't even have to be sex it's just the drive of being as close to him as possible, a maddening drive. Not for his body, it's more like soul to soul bonding. Weird, but that's the best way to put it. Unfortunately, the fact "physically" the closest people can get is sex on litteral terms. But, idk, it's just I don't know what to do.  
PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 4:40 pm
I'm not really understanding your description of this intimate bond you're desiring with your fiancee. How are you accomplishing it? Am I understanding that you're trying to make this bond through physical intimacy? I'm just confused, because your explanation isn't clear.

Either way, the reality is that physical intimacy is meant for the marital bond. I'm sure there are better and wiser ways for you to connect with your fiancee on a spiritual level that doesn't include physical contact, like praying with him, conversing with him about God and biblical understandings, and even fellowship with other Christians. Honestly, these are going to be some of the most important things you can do with your fiancee right now--it's going to help not just spiritually, but also mentally and emotionally.  

kdke

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Rednal

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 5:04 pm
Hormones are awkward, and the inability to deal with basic biological urges can be difficult to handle, yes. If I were you, I think what I'd do is go find a nice, understanding Pastor/Priest/Whatever and ask for... I dunno... call it a Spiritual Marriage or something. Doesn't really matter what you call it. Your fiancee and you can recognize each other as married, even if you aren't legally so, since marriage is supposed to be a thing between you and God anyway. Then treat each other as if you are, having gotten a Pastor's blessing and made vows and everything. Go for the whole legal stuff when you feel the time is right, but that's just kind of a secondary thing.

'S what I'd do, anyway. rofl  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:14 pm
ca adam
I'm not really understanding your description of this intimate bond you're desiring with your fiancee. How are you accomplishing it? Am I understanding that you're trying to make this bond through physical intimacy? I'm just confused, because your explanation isn't clear.

Either way, the reality is that physical intimacy is meant for the marital bond. I'm sure there are better and wiser ways for you to connect with your fiancee on a spiritual level that doesn't include physical contact, like praying with him, conversing with him about God and biblical understandings, and even fellowship with other Christians. Honestly, these are going to be some of the most important things you can do with your fiancee right now--it's going to help not just spiritually, but also mentally and emotionally.


Sadly, he's not religious I found out. He's been to church when he was really really little, even got baptized, but he tries to keep religion out of his life. He says when he passes on, he'll deal with it then, but for now he lives life to the fullest without being labeled or expected to be following other people when so many ideas are different that if he messed up for instance he'd be looked down upon. OR, in another instance, he doesn't want to be labeled by a group of people who would look down upon others just by their label, so he prefers to remain non-religious. So, I can't really do anything religious with him right now. Especially since his job has hard hours and is physically demanding. He can barely keep up with the trailer. Trust me, he supports me in whatever I do, even religious things, but he won't really take a part of them. I even asked about decorating the trailer and getting a tree this past christmas and he said he didn't need decorations or anything to celebrate. He's really really really simple person. He helps others out in a bind, and he's full of passion and love for everything. I wouldn't force him, but if he would embrace religion, I believe that it would just pull everything together and help our relationship, especially to be less intimate until marriage.

Sadly though, I don't think I can fully stop the intimacy at this point. Not on my account, me, I'd be happy to for about 95% sure. Him though, well.....being a man and "stereotypically speaking" he has 2 brains......so you can probably expect which one he thinks with. I know at the very beginning of this year, I'm going to hopefully join a church, and if I'm lucky and things feel right, get him more involved in our spare time. I hope things will turn out better over this next year and maybe we can get this under control. The more and more I get into the Bible scriptures, lessons, and God, the more stronger the feelings of guilt/not wanting to go with intimacy grow. So, I can tell a slight difference that I am gaining at least awareness for self-control.

I really don't want to go against God with sinning over and over for the same thing. Even if I'm not lusting for his flesh, I'm lusting for the bond with him. I guess on a more spiritual level, not having sex, but for the bond on a more spiritual level with him.  

i r i d e s s i c a n c e

Blessed Friend


i r i d e s s i c a n c e

Blessed Friend

PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:17 pm
Rednal
Hormones are awkward, and the inability to deal with basic biological urges can be difficult to handle, yes. If I were you, I think what I'd do is go find a nice, understanding Pastor/Priest/Whatever and ask for... I dunno... call it a Spiritual Marriage or something. Doesn't really matter what you call it. Your fiancee and you can recognize each other as married, even if you aren't legally so, since marriage is supposed to be a thing between you and God anyway. Then treat each other as if you are, having gotten a Pastor's blessing and made vows and everything. Go for the whole legal stuff when you feel the time is right, but that's just kind of a secondary thing.

'S what I'd do, anyway. rofl


I've never heard of that. Is it really possible? And it won't cost money to do? And, would it count as married even without the paper? If you could elaborate more, that would be really helpful. And as long as it doesn't go against God or the Bible I would be up for this route. smile  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:33 pm
What's a paper? It's just a piece of pulped wood. Do you really think marriage is about tax benefits and legal rights in a society? *Pokes* Marriage is about what you feel in your heart and as a covenant before God. Do you really think God would say "Well, you can't be married because you're not rich enough?" or something like that, as if money is the important thing here? Or it only counts if some dime-a-dozen certificate says it does? Psh. Sure, it's not exactly the traditional method, but I bet you could find a priest willing to do it. Might have to look around a bit, but if you won't go that far to try and make this work, I'd have serious doubts about your actual level of commitment to making this marriage thing happen. o.O Get married before God now and before the Law when you can. And be sure your fiancee understands what's up with the difference between spiritual marriage and legal marriage; if he goes through with it, you might not legally be his wife, but you are spiritually so before God. He can't bail out before the "legal" marriage and pretend it never happened without being in violation of his oaths (but you probably don't need to worry about that).

As for whether or not it costs money, I dunno. Ask the Priest. XD Might go easier if you promise to have the "legal" wedding in the same place when you can?  

Rednal

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 2:13 pm
BrightEyesWillFly
What does the Bible say about sex and sexual activities before marriage?

I know many Christians say it's wrong, unethical, and any sexual activity is usually considered vulgar. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years as of this March. For the past couple years and it's been rare more so we would "attempt" sex. Due to some complications, which I'd rather not get into unless need be, it wouldn't work and I haven't even bled. He hasn't been fully inside me that I'm aware of. Also, yes we ALWAYS have used protection. But, for the past 4 years and usually regularly whenever we have seen each other a few times a week, we would get intimate with each other, and still do. Not attempt sex, but you know foreplay......

Well, in the past I've thought it was my problem with being sexually assaulted 3 different times that made me feel so bad and disgusted each time. And for 2 years I felt that bad. The 3rd year things were better, but still off, and then this year things have been better, but still off. I mean, it's kinda weird, but now I don't feel right doing foreplay and usually try to find a way to get out of it. It's really bad considering this is the guy I truly want to spend the rest of my life with. It's not a low labido thing at all. I'm guessing it's the guilt that I may be sinning and have been repeatedly over and over. I pray, but still a day or two later I find myself praying about how sorry I am for the foreplay/intimacy.

So I'm wanting to know, is it wrong to have sex/intimate relations with your significant other before marriage? What does the Bible say for/against it? If it feels right, should you continue to do it or stop? Should you stop if it's wrong? Considering we've been engaged for a year now and still plan on marrying each other in the next year or two, would it be wrong to at this point (considering we are very committed to each other), to continue? Would it be okay to stay intimate or continue to try on occasion for the "home run"?

I'm lucky I have a very understanding fiance, for he says that relationships aren't based purely on intimate relations, but by enjoying each others company, which we do. It's just, lately the passion in him has been rising and in a way, I want to enjoy it, but something is holding me back. And, this is something that means a lot to me that I want to get sorted out for sure. I could definitely use some insight.

Thank you! God bless!


Well.... Let's take a look from the Word of God and sees what it says about sexual activities outside of marriage. I believe that sex is good, but only in one way, and that is inside of marriage. It's like this. If a father told his son that he would give him a $20 bill, but he won't give it until tomorrow morning. However, the son took that $20 bill because he assumes that he would get it one way or another. What would the father's reaction be? He would be angry. His son is not patient, but more than that, he is a thief.

That is like with the issue on sex. It is God's gift to us, however He had 1 condition, we must wait to be married. Otherwise, we would misuse the gift that God gave to us. And furthermore, Jesus says in Matthew 5 that if we look upon another to lust after them, we committed adultery with that person in our hearts. That's something interesting. Rather it is in marriage, or even outside of marriage, if we look upon the another to lust after them, we would commit adultery.  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 3:42 pm
Reformed_Into_His_Image
BrightEyesWillFly
What does the Bible say about sex and sexual activities before marriage?

I know many Christians say it's wrong, unethical, and any sexual activity is usually considered vulgar. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years as of this March. For the past couple years and it's been rare more so we would "attempt" sex. Due to some complications, which I'd rather not get into unless need be, it wouldn't work and I haven't even bled. He hasn't been fully inside me that I'm aware of. Also, yes we ALWAYS have used protection. But, for the past 4 years and usually regularly whenever we have seen each other a few times a week, we would get intimate with each other, and still do. Not attempt sex, but you know foreplay......

Well, in the past I've thought it was my problem with being sexually assaulted 3 different times that made me feel so bad and disgusted each time. And for 2 years I felt that bad. The 3rd year things were better, but still off, and then this year things have been better, but still off. I mean, it's kinda weird, but now I don't feel right doing foreplay and usually try to find a way to get out of it. It's really bad considering this is the guy I truly want to spend the rest of my life with. It's not a low labido thing at all. I'm guessing it's the guilt that I may be sinning and have been repeatedly over and over. I pray, but still a day or two later I find myself praying about how sorry I am for the foreplay/intimacy.

So I'm wanting to know, is it wrong to have sex/intimate relations with your significant other before marriage? What does the Bible say for/against it? If it feels right, should you continue to do it or stop? Should you stop if it's wrong? Considering we've been engaged for a year now and still plan on marrying each other in the next year or two, would it be wrong to at this point (considering we are very committed to each other), to continue? Would it be okay to stay intimate or continue to try on occasion for the "home run"?

I'm lucky I have a very understanding fiance, for he says that relationships aren't based purely on intimate relations, but by enjoying each others company, which we do. It's just, lately the passion in him has been rising and in a way, I want to enjoy it, but something is holding me back. And, this is something that means a lot to me that I want to get sorted out for sure. I could definitely use some insight.

Thank you! God bless!


Well.... Let's take a look from the Word of God and sees what it says about sexual activities outside of marriage. I believe that sex is good, but only in one way, and that is inside of marriage. It's like this. If a father told his son that he would give him a $20 bill, but he won't give it until tomorrow morning. However, the son took that $20 bill because he assumes that he would get it one way or another. What would the father's reaction be? He would be angry. His son is not patient, but more than that, he is a thief.

That is like with the issue on sex. It is God's gift to us, however He had 1 condition, we must wait to be married. Otherwise, we would misuse the gift that God gave to us. And furthermore, Jesus says in Matthew 5 that if we look upon another to lust after them, we committed adultery with that person in our hearts. That's something interesting. Rather it is in marriage, or even outside of marriage, if we look upon the another to lust after them, we would commit adultery.


Wow, that does give some insight, and now I feel horrible. sad
But the thing is that's hard to describe is that I've always wanted to wait to have sex until I was married, originally, and then I told if it was out of love and you were committed it would be okay, but thought it still wouldn't be. And with the attempts he hasn't fully gotten inside of me in general at all. So technically, he has penetrated me with the tip or part of it (other issues also), but we haven't actually had sex sex, and I haven't even bled for he hasn't gotten in me in me. And as far as lust, I don't lust after his physical body, nor do I truly want to rush into sex at all. In better terms even though his body is attractive to me, I don't go after it, moreso the spiritual and emotional relationship, I look more into him than I do his appearance. If anything, I lust for his heart, not his body.

That's why I'm confused. Have I sinned and repeated the same sin under these circumstances? I want to prevent damaging myself in the future by finding other ways now. I just need to straighten myself out further.  

i r i d e s s i c a n c e

Blessed Friend


i r i d e s s i c a n c e

Blessed Friend

PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 3:58 pm
Rednal
What's a paper? It's just a piece of pulped wood. Do you really think marriage is about tax benefits and legal rights in a society? *Pokes* Marriage is about what you feel in your heart and as a covenant before God. Do you really think God would say "Well, you can't be married because you're not rich enough?" or something like that, as if money is the important thing here? Or it only counts if some dime-a-dozen certificate says it does? Psh. Sure, it's not exactly the traditional method, but I bet you could find a priest willing to do it. Might have to look around a bit, but if you won't go that far to try and make this work, I'd have serious doubts about your actual level of commitment to making this marriage thing happen. o.O Get married before God now and before the Law when you can. And be sure your fiancee understands what's up with the difference between spiritual marriage and legal marriage; if he goes through with it, you might not legally be his wife, but you are spiritually so before God. He can't bail out before the "legal" marriage and pretend it never happened without being in violation of his oaths (but you probably don't need to worry about that).

As for whether or not it costs money, I dunno. Ask the Priest. XD Might go easier if you promise to have the "legal" wedding in the same place when you can?


xD You're right, it is paper. I know, but I've just never heard of anyone doing a spiritual marriage versus a legal one. It truly does interest me. I have had a plan I've decided to take up. First, I want to find a church I can belong to, then get baptized, and after that would be when I would get legally married. I first want to cleanse myself (I know baptism can't actually physically wash away sins, for me, the baptism is my commitment to keep on the path of God). But, if it's possible to get spiritually married before legally married, where it's not against God (as you say, since marriage is before God, it would work), then after spiritually, and can afford our lives afterwards financially, then we can marry legally. But my priority is to learn all I can from the Word of God, then make the commitment, and then go from there. I don't think it would be fair to me, nor my fiance if I married as a true sinner than first making a relationship with God. We are going to be married before God, and I want to prove to God (and myself) I can make/keep a commitment, then be able to prove it to my fiance even more. I think it would feel right. For when we were preparing to get married for September this past year, nothing felt truly right. Everything didn't feel like a wedding and it was hard not only financially, but the fact that the day we were going to get the liscence I was so sick I couldn't go inside the building and the further from the building my fiance drove, the better I felt. So in a way, I think that was definitely a sign from God that we weren't ready to get married. And, I believe Him. I wasn't, nor will I be until I get my life straightened out and my fiance decides the day (so I know he's ready for commitment, I let him decide the month/day/year)

I mean, I'm content now with how our relationship is, but I don't want to go against God with forbidden intimacy. That's why I'd like to go with the idea of spiritual marriage first, I think it would help him understand moreso as far as the intimacy thing. That would definitely ease the tension and I'd feel better about it. I think I shall actually bring this up next time I see him which will "hopefully" be tomorrow, if not Sunday. Run the idea by him. If he says okay, then I will just go with the plan of church, baptism, spiritual marriage, then legal marriage. ^^ Thank you again for your insight.  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:20 pm
All that's truly necessary for you to do is ask God for forgiveness for your sins. That's it. ^^ When you've done that, you've created your relationship with God. Will you sin again in the future? Almost certainly. But God doesn't expect us to be perfect because we aren't perfect. What truly matters is that you're willing to try again when you fail, live as righteously as you can, and do your best to walk in the light. Your failures don't really matter; when you accept God, all the wrong you've done and all the wrong you'll do is wiped away forever, having been paid in full already. In blood. So, uh, don't stress about being a "true sinner" or anything like that; if you've already asked for forgiveness, you're good on that account. Seriously. God doesn't blame you anymore, and He's the one with the right to judge, so don't blame yourself and try to deny what you asked for.

Of course, I'm kind of weird because I question everything. ^^ Even when the questions and answers I find are painful and not what others want to hear.



Though... *Rubs chin* Depending on the church, they only do baptisms every so often. You may find yourself waiting a little while (a few months max, usually) for that. Just so you know.  

Rednal

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i r i d e s s i c a n c e

Blessed Friend

PostPosted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:58 pm
Rednal
All that's truly necessary for you to do is ask God for forgiveness for your sins. That's it. ^^ When you've done that, you've created your relationship with God. Will you sin again in the future? Almost certainly. But God doesn't expect us to be perfect because we aren't perfect. What truly matters is that you're willing to try again when you fail, live as righteously as you can, and do your best to walk in the light. Your failures don't really matter; when you accept God, all the wrong you've done and all the wrong you'll do is wiped away forever, having been paid in full already. In blood. So, uh, don't stress about being a "true sinner" or anything like that; if you've already asked for forgiveness, you're good on that account. Seriously. God doesn't blame you anymore, and He's the one with the right to judge, so don't blame yourself and try to deny what you asked for.

Of course, I'm kind of weird because I question everything. ^^ Even when the questions and answers I find are painful and not what others want to hear.



Though... *Rubs chin* Depending on the church, they only do baptisms every so often. You may find yourself waiting a little while (a few months max, usually) for that. Just so you know.


The church I'm thinking about going to or at least trying is my friend's grandmother (my friend is wiccan and doesn't go to her Christian grandmother's church), and they go on a retreat I think she said around the end of May if not June when it's warm (end of Spring/beginning of Summer) and they go out to this what she describes is a beautiful area in a river and do a baptism there, that way. The pastor though I hear is very strict. He doesn't accept couples living together before they are married, so idk if it would work to get him to spiritually marry us first before legally marrying us. Either way, I'd love to get baptized as naturally as possible like that. That's how i imagined a baptism is to be dunked in water, not sitting in a chair with water poured over my head. I just want to be fully immersed in water when I'm baptized is all. I know there are different forms depending on where you go, but I find that one the most calming for me. Finding the right church for me is the only challenging thing I see, yet trial and error. I just hope my friend's grandmother's church, the one that has always crossed my mind, is the church for me, that God is leading me towards at the moment. I'm not really stressing over the true sinner part, it's just, after last time I believe it was a sign I should be more religious and full of faith in God, straightening my life out, before I get legally married, let alone spiritually married.  
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