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This post is obnoxiously long. Feel free to skim. sweatdrop
Hey girls. So I have really never had any confidence issues until now, my senior year of high school, with my (imo) disaster of an attempt with a guy. A little about me; I am a hardworking student going to college for chemistry next year, I have a good amount of friends (who are all girls) whom I love to death and are really wonderful. I am a professional oil painter. I play the harp and like to bake classic french pastries. I love birds and most other animals. I am passionate about the environment. I hate drama and love helping other people gain confidence in themselves, and supporting my friends. People tell me that I am beautiful and could be a model (In my honest opinion I think I am cute but nothing too spectacular looks-wise, and too skinny). I am a natural leader and also like to take care of people while keeping my issues to myself at all costs to preserve my put-together image.
So back to the main issue. I am a combo of a romantic, a cynic, and a realist. For most of my life with few exceptions I have had little to do with boys, I always liked the idea of having a nice boyfriend that could be like my best friend but with a deeper connection, but that never happened. I never met a guy that I even thought I could be good friends with, much less in a relationship with. Guys either ignore me, are rude to me, or hit on me in an insulting and sexual way. So yeah, I am more used to guys harassing me than actually being kind. Which is why I had no idea what to do when I met "John" a junior in my physics class. I knew nobody in that class and sat next to him on the first day because he just seemed nice to me. I can't really explain it, but he really intrigued me from the first moment I saw him. I think he is pretty cute, but not amazingly hot, so it wasn't just that. I just kind of felt drawn to him, which is really different from the creepy or obnoxious vibe that most guys give off to me.
This is getting really long already so I will try to keep the rest shorter! John and I kind of became friends during the first few weeks of school. He was/is really nice and respectful to me and to everyone, so I developed a crush on him pretty fast. At that point he was getting over a really rough break up with his gf who inconveniently shared my rather uncommon name, so I tried to be supportive of him, and listened to him when he was down. I am a pretty empathetic person, but I have never felt as tuned in to someone else's mood as I do with him. He used to always tell me how good I was at seeing through the s**t people do to cover up what they are really feeling. Early on in the year before we had talked much, I sent him a short fb message telling him that I was there for him if he ever needed someone to talk to about stuff (when he was still getting over his ex). He sent me back the longest message/letter I have ever received, saying how grateful he was for me noticing and checking up on him, saying how I was the nicest most genuine person he ever met, practically an angel, how he would totally be there for me if I needed anything, on and on. That letter made me (mistakenly) think he might like me at least a little. I wasn't too keen on the idea of getting involved with someone I would be leaving in less than a year (for college), so I continued to talk to him, help him with physics work and so on, but didn't throw myself at him. I figured if he really liked me then he would ask me out, otherwise it wouldn't be worth my time for such a short relationship. Whenever we were in class together or working on hw in study hall together he was always really attentive to me, asking me if something was wrong if I seemed a little quiet, or not my "usual cheery self". He always sat/sits really close to me, leaning towards me, generally getting in my personal space. Unfortunately at that time I was denying the truth about how much I liked him. While we stayed friendly acquaintances, he started dating his close friend (who I really thought was a lesbian...). I am sure she is really nice, he wouldn't be friends with her if she wasn't, but she isn't that physically attractive, so I know he didn't NOT as me out because he wanted someone prettier than me. Seeing him with someone else finally made me realize that I actually really liked him, something that I had started to wonder if I was even capable of, on account of me never liking someone before this point.
So basically seeing him with his gf from then on has been hell for me, I feel like I would be a little better off if I didn't spend so much time with him every day, but as it is I do so it's almost impossible to just "forget" about him. I am constantly wondering what would be right now if I had told him how I feel, or even just asked him to hang out. He hasn't treated me any differently since he got his gf either. I thought that maybe I could let him go once he got a new gf, someone else to look after him, but honestly I am just more distressed. He has had some issues with friends and family but I can't really help him at all. Most of all this has started to kill my previously solid confidence. Now whenever my mom casually asks me why I don't have a bf, or if there is anyone that I like, I feel so ashamed for some reason. She thinks that guys worship the ground I walk on, but It seems like that is far from the truth. The attractive but cocky/a*****e guys who do show interest in me just make me feel more depressed, like I am only seen for my appearance, but can't get a nice guy to notice me! I am going to prom this year with a mix of singles and couples, I decided not to try to find another date because I would rather just have fun with my friends than be tied to a guy I don't really care for. John is going to be there with his gf so that will be hard to see but I will do my best to just have fun with my friends.
The main point here is that I am just really not sure what happened here. Right now I spend 45 minutes with him a day at school in study hall helping him with physics because even though it kills me a little bit to be with him now, I still really care about him and am willing to do a lot to help him out, even when it is hurting me. I have talked to a few friends about it, and they are confused as well. Those who have seen him with me say it seems like he really likes me, though coming from my friends its not exactly an unbiased report! I honestly have no idea how he views me, if he thinks of me as a girl out of his league, or if he is just not interested at all.
I just really want an outsiders unbiased opinion of the matter. I know I am being waaay too over-analytical about this, and to him its probably nothing, but please be nice. I am not trying to fish for compliments here, nor do I have any other ulterior motives for posting this. If you just want to say that I am being a stupid teenager and need to get a life, then yes, thank you, I know.
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