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 Posted: Sat May 04, 2013 1:26 pm
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I'm sorry that this is very long, and it's gonna be in two parts because the first part is how I felt about a past relationship that ended after I had a daughter, and the second part is about how I was feeling when I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter. Any feedback is appreciated.
I have no idea where I'm going to start with this. I've got so many things going through my head, and it feels like I need to deal with every single one of them before this baby is born. There are good things, bad things, sad things, and things I know nothing about. I'm trying to get over all the anger I have stored inside of me. Every time I feel like I'm over it, something comes up where I realize I'm not. I think I'm prepared for what is coming, but again, I'm not. I don't know what I want and don't want. I'm confused about what will make me happy, because what I think will make me happy just makes me miserable. And I feel like I can never get my point across to those who matter most. I'm always saying what I think will make people understand how I feel, but nobody does anything about it, and they keep doing the things that I have clearly expressed are what's hurting me in the first place.
The smallest things set me off. My mood swings are unbearable even to me. But I never know when they are going to happen, or what is going to cause it. Part of me wants to stay in my room all the time away from everybody, but that just makes me want to go crazy. I need to be around people that I love, and I need them to continue letting me know they love me, because I just feel like a nuisance. Songs set me off. Something being out of place sets me off. Knowing I forgot something sets me off. Mostly I get mad with myself. Other times I overreact to something someone else does. And I know I'm overreacting, but I also know how it makes me feel, and I know its just going to happen again unless I express everything I'm feeling. Sometimes that doesn't even help, and I'm left feeling hopeless, and I know I'm being annoying.
I'm going to start with Ricky. I'm still not over how he treated me, or how he acts. I'm sick of seeing him get away with so many things, and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not the only one that knows he's fake. Lots of people make excuses for him, because he is so skilled at manipulating people. I'll admit, I was one of those people who used to make excuses for what he was doing. And you know why? Because I loved him, and I was so stupid to actually think he would change. Its petty for me to blame my problems I have on him now, but I honestly believe that some of the things that are wrong with me now are due to him. Sure, I could let them go. But for some reason I can't. When I think I have, I hear a song on the radio that reminds me of him, and the things he promised and didn't carry out. Its hard to forget how he would use my love for him against me, and how he got me to lie to my family by using my emotions against me. They tried to warn me how he was. And I made excuses for him, and told them that he wasn't how they thought he was. I told them that they were just seeing everything wrong. They just wanted to protect me, they didn't want to see me hurt. I wasn't willing to let anyone make my own decisions for me, yet thats exactly what I was letting him do. The worst part was, I knew that everything they were saying was right. I just thought that I could change their minds, so I could continue to be with him without them trying to break us up. I was so stupid. And I got pregnant.
I'm going to be completely honest when I say this. I've lied about it before so many times, and I don't even remember to who, but I want to set it straight. Tell the truth and shame the devil. I wanted to get pregnant. Ricky wanted me to get pregnant. And the reasons I wanted to get pregnant were all the wrong ones. I thought that getting pregnant would help Ricky change. Thats what he was telling me, anyways. I was looking for every way to save him, and I actually believed this would work. Its in my nature to not pass anyone by that needs help. While dating Ricky, I had to learn that the only person I can save is myself, and I still haven't figured out how to do that. He wanted to get me pregnant because he thought he would have me for good then. He could cheat on me, and I would come back. No matter what he would do to me, I would forgive him for the sake of the child. Little did he know that me getting pregnant would be what started my journey to seeing who he really was, and who he would always be. He started taking more pills. He started doing more drugs. Sure, he told everyone how happy he was that I was having his child, and how much he loved the both of us. But he still broke promises. He wasn't going to change for Rebecca. It was all an act, and I was being played. He wanted me to buy a house for us to stay in if I wouldn't move in with him. He could blame it on me for the child not seeing her father all the time. It was, in his eyes, my job to make sure we stayed together no matter what. I would have to give up my life and my family to start one with him, because he wasn't capable of getting a job or supplying a house. His mom also wanted me to move in to help pay the rent. I would lay awake at night and try to figure out how I was going to make everything work.
I started making excuses not to go see him, and he knew what I was doing. So again, he played on my emotions. He make everything I did seem so insignificant when it came to raising a child. I finally got a job at 7 1/2 months pregnant because he couldn't keep one. And the whole time I was working (at the mall) he would be there to make sure I was "all right". He was always getting in trouble and getting kicked out for being there, and I would get in trouble with my employer. He almost cost me the only job that either one of us would have until the baby was born. When I got paid, I would lie to him about how much I made. I always took out $100 or more to give to mom to hold for me, and every check I took out at least 10% to give to the church. I believe that when I give back to the Lord, he provides me with everything I need. And I was right. I never lost my job no matter what Ricky did, as long as I was giving back. I was able to save money, and each check got bigger, because I was the only stable employee. I worked over 50 hours a week, and even though I didn't get paid overtime, I was making almost $600-$700...a week. I got back into praying, counting my blessing, going to church when I wasn't working, and I was finally happy again. Ricky liked that I was going to church, even tried to get me to go to the one his grandparents go to. We went a few times. It all fell apart though, when he found out what I was doing with ALL of my money.
I thought that since he was getting into church too, I could tell him what I was doing, and he would approve. How wrong I was. He got mad at me. Why couldn't I use that money to move us into a house? Why couldn't I use that money to buy him food and cigarettes when he was getting himself kicked out of his own house just about every night? I was thrown back head-first into my depression, and the first week I didn't go to church and give what I'd been giving, I starting having bad contractions at work, so I was replaced by Alexis. I wasn't fired, but the last week or so that the store was open, she got most of the hours, and mine were cut drastically. Ricky pointed out that now I had more time to stay with him. Yay for me...
Stacie, who was pregnant at the same time I was (actually we were basically on the same schedule, she was just a week or two ahead of me), went into labor. I was having a hard time driving because my stomach pressed against the steering wheel. Ricky and I went with Sarah to the hospital to visit Stacie right after Audrey was born. I was still having a lot of contractions, but I wasn't ready for labor yet. After the visit I wanted to go home, and mom wanted me home, because I was due 3 days later. Ricky, however, had other plans. We didn't have the money to get food (which should never be denied to a pregnant woman), but he wanted to hang out the whole day, and every day after that, because he wanted to be with me when I went into labor. I told him I wanted to be home, so I could relax, but he told me I was being selfish. Of course he wasn't really allowed over at my house, because my parents knew how he was even though I denied it for him (he still got mad at ME for this because he said I wasn't convincing enough, or I wasn't trying hard enough). I honestly just wanted to get away from him and all the stress.
Feb. 4 I go into labor at 3:30 in the morning. I call Ricky, and he is waiting at the hospital and has me checked in already. After all the changing he didn't do, I thought I saw a change when Rebecca was born. At the hospital he was wonderful and selfless, for the first night. Then his "understanding" went away the second night. I could have let mom sleep at the hospital with me so he could go home, but he acted like he didn't want to. Then he threw in my face all night that he was tired and he couldn't help me get up to use the bathroom, he didn't have to get anything for me, I wasn't completely helpless. But I felt like it, because I needed the love and understanding more than anything, and while I could have gotten it from my mom, who understands what its like to have a child, I chose to let him stay so he could get used to being a father. He wasn't ready, and I cried while he slept.
When Becca came home I kept making excuses for why we couldn't go to his house to visit. I didn't want her near cigarette smoke, weed smoke, drinking, or anything else they were doing to celebrate. Long story short (haha) I didn't want her around him at all, and he proved to me later on that he couldn't be trusted not to smoke around her. He just wanted to leave her in a play pen in his mom's room so we could spent time by ourselves for a while. I knew that I didn't want to put her through the things he was going to put her through. I told him I wanted to take a break until I could figure out this "mother" role I had to play. In all actuality, I was distancing myself from him so that I could cut myself off from him completely. I didn't trust myself to do it with him around all the time.
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Posted: Sat May 04, 2013 2:05 pm
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Posted: Sat May 04, 2013 2:53 pm
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Posted: Sat May 04, 2013 5:02 pm
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Thanks smile I actually wrote that in 2009, right before my second daughter was born. Now my oldest, Rebecca, is 5, my second, Kelcy, is 3, and I have a son that just turned 1 today heart I am no longer with Ricky, and no matter how hard I tried to get him to do right by her, he doesn't even try to see her. Sometimes he calls a few days in a row, but them goes for months without calling again and it confuses her so bad sad sad sad Now I'm dating a guy named Paul, and I'm going to post the blog I wrote about him right after I wrote that one. After that I'll give an update. Thinks are a lot better, and thanks for the encouragement, it means so much smile
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Posted: Sat May 04, 2013 5:06 pm
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This is part 2 of that blog. Again, it is very long, and was also written in 2009.
Fast forward. I'm single. Not exactly looking for a relationship, but companionship is fine. I need someone to hang out with. I was feeling depressed from having to be home all the time, and I needed to get out of the house. So slowly, I start easing myself back into a world outside of what I had come to know. I hung out with some old friends that were willing to forgive me for ditching them for Ricky. Things eventually got too wild for me, and I was having a hard time getting back out of the life I had gone back into. I stopped hanging out with so many people. There were a few guys that showed interest in me, but only for one thing. I didn't care though. I didn't want to meet someone to bring home to Becca. I wasn't ready for a relationship, because I knew that I wasn't just looking for someone to make me happy, I would also have to find someone that could be a good father-figure to my daughter. I couldn't just bring anyone around Becca, a child needs stability. Even if I started dating someone, I planned on it being a long time before that guy met Becca.
I met Paul. I had never been treated better by any other guy. The thing I loved the most about him was the attention he gave me. It wasn't lust, it was love. He got me into holding hands again. He would poke me when I wasn't paying attention, just to let me know his mind was on me, and he had no other way to show it. I was always getting random kisses on my cheek, forehead, and hands. I'd glance at him and he'd give me a goofy smile that melted my heart. He gave me butterflies. I'd never had them so much and for so long. He always knew how to make me feel special. He would surprise me with something he knew I would like, even if it was something small like a Dr. Pepper that he picked up on his was to come get me. He knew how to tell when I was happy, sad, uncomfortable, overwhelmed. And he did what he could to help when I needed it, even if I didn't ask for it. He had a way of making me feel like the only person that mattered when we were in a room full of friends. He seemed proud of me, he'd put his arm around me like he was showing me off. And I loved his hugs so much, and it seemed like they would never end, and sometimes I didn't want them to. If we were sitting together, no matter where it was, most of the time I would feel him take my hand and play with it then hold it for a little while, and I never got tired of it. Even riding in the car he'd reach over and put his hand on mine when he didn't need both hands on the wheel.
Then, again, I got pregnant. This time I didn't try. This time I wasn't ready to settle down with this person, even though I knew that, unlike Ricky, I willingly would if I didn't feel thrown into it. I was scared more than anything, and I didn't know how Paul would react. I was at Walmart with him when I found out, and at first I didn't want to tell him. I cried in the bathroom stall for a few minutes and tried to regain composure, because I knew if I was too long he would know. My mind was conflicted the whole way to go to meet him. But I had to tell him the truth. He walked away from me, and when I needed someone to comfort me, for the first time in several months, I had to look to someone other than him. I'm not mad that he walked away. In a way I was glad, because I wasn't ready to face him. This wasn't the first challenge we had had thrown at us, but it was the most trying. I have to admit, he hasn't really treated me the same since.
Since then, I've felt in the back of my mind like he's only with me because of the baby. He still did some of the sweet things he used to do, and at points I was so confident that he still loved me for me, and not because he felt obligated. But little by little he pulled back. Yeah, there are promises that after the baby is born, we will get to do a lot of fun things, like go to King's Dominion and ride roller coasters til we are sick. But there are a lot of things I can't do now that have put a big strain on our relationship, which was really held together by how much fun we had with each other. We were strong this whole time because we had the ability to have fun together no matter what drama anyone else was trying to bring to the table. I understood him, and he understood me. I didn't hold anything against him, and he did the same for me. Now its different. When we go to concerts (just local bands so far) I can't stand up as much as usual, and I can't stay excited as long as he can, and he thinks I'm getting depressed, when really I'm just extremely tired. His old friends won't hang out with him anymore because of me. I never did anything bad to them, exactly the oposite, but they can't get over that I gave up the "party girl" to be "his girl". I get excited about the small things about the baby, and he is still getting used to the fact that, whether we wanted it or not, she's almost here.
I still love Paul with all my heart, but with all of my emotions out of control, I can't help but wonder if he still loves me the way he used to. Usually I could just tell by the way he acted around me and the things he did for me. But so much has changed, and he doesn't do those things for me anymore. So, I ask. He tells me he does, and I know its annoying when I ask, because I've had the same thing done to me a million times. But I just can't tell anymore. Usually I will get out of this mood I'm in, and I'll be alright after he has reassured me. But about a week ago when I felt like this, I asked him why he acted so different about me when I'm the same Amber, just with a baby in my belly. And he told me that sometimes I'm just not fun anymore. With our whole relationship being based on fun since the beginning, I felt like everything was falling apart after that comment, and I haven't been out of that mood since. I try to hide it, but I find myself crying about it at the weirdest times, because I'm so frustrated. I want to be the fun girl he fell in love with so many months ago. I want to enjoy things again the way I used to, and I want to be able to do all the things that I've had to give up to keep a healthy baby. Not once have I held her responsible for my misery, only me. I keep promising that things will be different after the baby is born, but I don't know how long after. I will spend a lot of time taking care of this child, that I don't know when we will be able to do the things we once did, or the things that we look forward to doing that we haven't gotten to do yet. I want the excitment back so bad, and I want my Paul back. The one that used to hold me at random times just because somehow he knew thats what I needed. I want the Paul back that didn't pull his hand away when I reached for it. I want the Paul back that gave me random kisses that were always accompanied by butterflies.
Yes, he has a job now. A very demanding job that keeps him tired all the time. But I don't want him to take me out all the time, I'm fine with just seeing him for a few hours before he goes to bed, just to watch tv or whatever else we can do that is relaxing, just so I can be near him. I don't even have to see him every day. I know he needs days to himself. I don't care if he doesn't buy me anything when he gets paid. I just want the small gestures back, the ones that remind me more than anything how he feels about me. I can't seem to get them anymore. They aren't exhausting, they don't take much energy. They just take a second of time to accomplish something big. But I can't seem to get them anymore, and I'm scared for the relationship I have with the most wonderful guy in the world. I was him back more than anything at this point, and no matter what I say to him, it seems to only push him farther away. I don't want him to be with me because he feels like he has to, I want him to be with me because he loves me and wants to be. I don't want second guesses. I want what I'm afraid is being taken away from me due to strain of the real world that doesn't have to be there. Yeah, we have responsibilities as a couple now, but I still want what we used to have. I never had much doubt that we were good together. And now I'm always guessing, and I don't want it to be like that anymore. I've told him what he has to do to reassure me, I'm just waiting to see if he understands how much I need it.
Small things remind me of how much I'm missing out on, and I'm trying to be as fun as possible. I want him to go out and have fun, and I want to be there, even though I can't enjoy it completely. I love seeing him happy, and I want him to associate me with that happiness as much as possible. But last night I got to see something that I missed, and it wasn't directed toward me. His smile, and the way he looked when he was enjoying my company, but it wasn't while he was looking at me. I was surprised how hard it hit me, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. Every one we were around noticed how upset I was, including him. And he just pushes it off as my pregnant hormones causing these emotions. And while every one else was trying to be there for me, the one that I wanted the most to comfort me just ignored me like I was ruining his night.
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