Boyfriend troubles... (source of trouble: his mom)

[husky haya]

I am very sorry for this HUGE wall of text, but I have to get it off my heart.

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Hey guys.
I'm not usually the type to do this but I'm kind of... I don't know. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I have a boyfriend. We've been together for 3 years and 8 months. We'll be together for 4 years on the 29th of August.
We've always been good together. Same interests, we think alike, everything. I have (had?) the feeling that he's the one for me.
We're both 21 and living at home with our parents.

But he's always been a mommy's boy. I'm not a family person. AT ALL. I've got it rough at home, I hate my father (we don't go along at all, we never speak and we never look at each other), my brother is basically gone 90% of his time and only comes home to sleep, eat and play on his xbox.
My mom is a sweet heart, but we're both not... erm, family people. We know we love each other but we don't say it out loud or something.
Our personalities are really different so I've got trouble trying to express my troubles to her.
My friends irl... well, I don't really have a lot of friends irl. I've got 1 best friend, but she moved away from me when she turned 16.
But anyway, I'm not a family person. I'm timid, I'm shy to people I know are/will be a big part in my life. And seeing as my boyfriend is a typical mommy's boy (/family guy) things don't always... I don't know, we clash.

We've always argued a bit about his mom. She'd talk behind my back to him, act really bi-polar; nice when I'd visit them but when I wasn't there she suddenly listed all the bad things about me.
How I'm not talking a lot to her. How she'd want me to say more or do more.
But I've got troubles trying to have a conversation with her. There's also some sort of 'country barrier' between us.
I am Dutch, they are Belgian. We speak the same language but there's always a thought of 'oh, right, she's not a Belgian.'
We live about 100km (61 miles?) away from each other and it's 1 hour by train to see each other. It's not that far, I know, but I usually see him every 2/3 weeks.
But lately, he's been having some troubles with college and he's going for another degree instead of what he's doing now. She sometimes blames me for being a bad influence on him.
She says I keep him from studying but all I do is encourage him to study, to do what he wants to do.

Now here's what I'm dealing with at the moment: I haven't seen him since April 8th, the weekend of my birthday, April 6th.
His birthday is on the 24th of April, so I was expecting to see him in the weekend, giving presents, etc.
But apparently his mother told him that she didn't want me to visit anymore. And I hadn't been there since late March.
When I asked him why she wouldn't allow me to see him, he told me that she was just being grumpy and it would be over soon.
But a few weeks later I was asking him again, why she wouldn't let me visit, and he avoided the question.
Sorta just changing the topic. Very subtle. And during these weeks/months that I haven't seen him, I've always asked him when I would finally see him.
I kinda just got fed up with it because I'm ALWAYS (in these 4 years that I know him) the one who payed for my train tickets, went over to him. ALWAYS. I think he's been to my house for about 7 times or something...
I was always joking 'If I'm not the one coming over to you, we probably won't even see each other!' and I guess I'm right...

Now apparently he's going on a road trip to France with his friends. And I felt hurt that he could make promises to them and setting up dates to do things, but he couldn't do that with me.
So I had a talk with him, serious stuff and all. And when I asked him if he was free on August 29, he said 'Oh. I don't know. My mom wants to go on vacation then.'
So I said to him 'What, and you can't say no? This is our 4th year anniversary, I would appareciate it if we'd be together, you know?'
And he just said that he would TRY it.
But I don't get it here... He's always saying things like 'Oh, we'll see,' and when it's about his mom it's always 'yes yes yes.'
I'm begininng to think (and I'm 95% sure of that) that he cares a lot more about his mother than he does for me...

My point being is... I don't know what to do anymore.
I love him, I don't want to lose him. But I also don't want to live around with tears in my eyes scared shitless that we'd break up...
He's a very good looking guy. I always see girls doing a double take and looking at him when we're in public. I even witnessed a girl behind a bar flirting with him while I stood behind him. He didn't take it of course and he never looks at other girls while he's with me, but still. I'm really insecure.
I basically don't have anyone else if I don't have him.
I mean, I know that he loves me. He does in his own way and he makes sure to show it when we're together. And I know that he doesn't want to break up and be together with me, but it's so hard to see when he's not really... showing much.
I feel like it's just me doing 70% of everything in my power to see him.
There have been times when he would just take me for granted and I'd let him know that I didn't like it. He said he would be more considerate of my and give me more attention but lately that's been wavering too.
...and,if we'd break up, I don't really want to be friends with him anymore..
I can't bear to stand the thought of him with another girl...


...what would you guys do? Any advice for me that you perhaps could give?
Thanks a lot guys, and seriously, thank you for reading all of that. heart  

[husky haya]

bump...?  

[Lustnmisery]

I'm very sorry you are going through this and I'm up for hearing your ranting but I'm in no better a predicament than you are so i am sorry that I can't offer advice.  

[Kumiko Fujiwa]

I hate people like him and his mother. It's like, she could atleast back the (Sorry for my language) ******** up and see things your way. Like really b***h (Sorry boiling over this it pisses me off so bad D :< )
Anyway. I would actually talk to him face to face and tell him whats happening and what you think is happening. Or if you want to hit two birds with one stone, ask to talk with the mother and boy friend as well and pinpoint the problems.  

[buckwolvhoosier]

I am really sorry that you are going through this. Finally in a serious relationship myself, I think I can try to help you. This is just my opinion and take on what you posted, so you don't have to listen to me if you disagree.

I think you really should stand up for yourself and talk to his mother and your boyfriend. This is serious problems and is hindering your relationship. Since you have been with him for almost 4 years, I feel that breaking up is not what you two should do; this is just another trial in your lives and I believe that you two can work through this. If he is "the one" then you two will work together to get through.

I agree that you have been putting more into seeing him than he has, and honestly, I think he needs to pull his own weight. It is unfair and if he loves you then why the hell isn't he wanting to pay for train tickets?! I am sure he does love you, as you said he shows it when you do hang out, but it is still unfair that you have to keep paying. Also, mother's boy or not, he should not avoid the subject when you bring it up. He should listen and support you in your effort in standing up to his mom. She does not sound Bipolar, just seemingly opinionated. My mother is Bipolar Type II with mild Schizophrenia, so I am a little sensitive when people claim "Bipolar" to those who are not diagnosed with the disorder. The word is just thrown around a lot and most people have no idea what Bipolar really is like.

Anyways, she should not have this much control over your relationship. I think that you should talk to her and I know that you are not much of a family person, but honestly, you need to compromise to make this work. I think if you made more of an effort to talk to his mom and hang out with her, she may begin to see why her son loves you. Show her that just because you are not Dutch and different does not mean you do not deserve to be with her son. I think the more you try to alienate yourself from his mom, the more you may also push your boyfriend away. This is a delicate situation and I don't want you to have to break up with him. I am pro keeping relationships alive and working through problems instead of giving up when it gets hard.

Talking and making compromises seems to me like the best option at this point. I hope this helps. --HUGS--