"Day One: I want to serve my country.."
I can't take it anymore. I want to put all of my life troubles in one spot and never lose sight of the truth of those troubles. I'd love to b***h and cry and whine and anyone can comment to slap me down throughout my posts. I'd like to be slapped down actually; it'll put me back into my wanted place and line in life. Today I'm going to write down about what re-sparked my dream that my mother and grandmother believe that I'll back out of it because I'm a lazy individual and I won't be able to handle it, and that saddens me. I don't want that person who no one believes the things that they want to do that they could do. Even if that could be me already, I know what I want to do in live and it's just a matter of doing it.
There is so much pride behind my want to serve my country that it's almost surprising. I've always wanted to serve it and I plan on taking JROTC for my last three years of high school and I just might enlist after that. I want to serve in the Air Force or Navy as a nurse or soldier in general. My mother tries to convince me of the idea every time I bring it up that this new law has been passed allowing women to be on the front lines and she tells me so many times that women are severely sexually harassed and abused in the military. I'll be rather honest: Regardless of it that's true, it scares me deeply. Above everything that I should be afraid of, I'm not afraid of losing my life on the job when I'm serving my country because my proud feelings will outweigh my fear. I don't know about you, but does that indicate that I really want to have this job? I think it does..
I'm the type to cry when I'm yelled at, no matter who the person is. I'm paranoid that I won't make it through training or boot camp because I'm scared I'm not both physically and emotionally prepared to go through such things. I'll probably learn how to control my emotions and get in shape during JROTC which I'm not taking now, but it's still a fear I have. I know for sure that I'm neither physically or mentally prepared right off the bat. I had the sudden spur to get in shape yesterday as my mother has a purchased treadmill in the basement and goes on that thing every night as I believe it's good for her, but it's taking time away from our relationship with the little time that we already have. She words three 10-hour days during the week and with school we have little time together. Anyhow, I had ankle socks on with high top DC shoes on and the friction of pushing myself caused the sock to cut into the back of my heels. It bled all over my sock, but fortunately it didn't reach my tendon in the back of my ankle.
This should be enough for now.. Thank you for reading my first day entry of my journal.