Feeling vulnerable

[i r i d e s s i c a n c e]

It's happening all over again it seems. When you think the trauma you endured in the past is over and you find new ways to get over it each time, it still repeats itself.

It all started since last week where I thought it would be nice to make a Facebook account just for family and close friends as well as business. A way to take myself away from internet addiction and turning it into something positive (as far as motivational and inspirational pages only and not spam or inappropriate pics/words). Also to have people who want to be in my life just a place for us.

So last night I make the page starting with liking pages, then add pics, and eventually friends. I asked my close friend if I could block people who I wasn't friends with because I have several people who I want out of my life. Especially after last year. So, from the new account I begin to look up people and under one person who I wanted to block, I found the people who hurt me. I was told before that the people who hurt me had no Facebook which was a lie. Then I type the names and find multiple accounts so I blocked the rest I could find....then I went back to my regular Facebook and saw that the people who hurt me only blocked me from their main accounts which is scary because this entire time I thought I was safe from stalkers. I was wrong.

I immediately went into PTSD mode. I was trying not to cry, rocking in fetal position, and began reliving everything. Yet, the PTSD hit me at a soul level. As in the pain and diary feelings, the vulnerability I felt dug so deep in me I felt my soul was tainted. I've never had the episodes hit me so deep. I even took. shower and scrubbed myself clean but it didn't help.

Of course I let my fiance know what was going non at 3:30 in the morning around this time and left him a long multimedia message. Then i went to sleep. When I woke up around 9:30 I woke up to a text and began asking my fiance questions for his texts. My fiance is really really good with tracking, hacking, and computers. He found out they each had at least 3 accounts. For the guy he was using 2 and the girl only used her main when he tracked the activity.

Even so, it scared me. This whole time with their false accounts the idea of them knowing my transformation physically I went through as far as photos, it really kills me inside. I spent like a few hundred dollars alone and with their excess accounts.......it scared me.

I already had Gaia stripped from me to where I had to make a new account because some of the people stalked me. I knew at least I was safe on Facebook because they weren't there. It hurts me inside. So for safety measures I've changed username and appearance on gaia and on Facebook updated security and blocked all I can. It still doesn't seem like enough. Its not something I can just let go with death/harmful threats from the people who hurt me. Trust me I try every time and something keeps coming back.

I've went to therapy to a couple therapists who couldn't help me. I've went through the majority of things on my own with support and help from my fiance, friends, and family. I've come a long way but each time something comes up it hits me worse.

I'm sure God was looking out for me in His best interests and there is a lesson I have to learn which is most likely letting go because I've already made piece with them via prayer to God and moving on with life as best I can despite the trauma and haunting memories.

I feel like I've done the right thing. I've increased my security, been reassured peace of mind, and am pushing past the relapses as they come. I just feel vulnerable and lost and don't know how to let the past go.

When people say let go of the past, to just do it, I'm the type who can't. I don't hold grudges but its imprinted on me like. big noticeable tattoo to stare at the rest of my life. I need to ctully be trained to let things go, but idk who can. I pray to God for answers but prayer and patience are half of it. Some things I know God wants us to help ourselves out and being trained to let something go is what I have to do. Idk where to begin though sadly. I've tried burn/ripping up letters you write but don't send, prayer, talking it out, ignoring it, and more. Nothing works. We just want these specific people out of our lives in every way possible as far as contact. To each other just disappear from the grid. BT they still keep popping up indirectly.  

[Clyvelle]

God is an all-powerful God. There is nothing impossible for Him to give or to take from us. It's not known to all in the faith, but there are certain ways to go about receiving from God: right and wrong ways of asking for healing in particular.

I'm not well-versed in the area myself, but my church/pastor/staff/etc. is trying to equip/train us the congregation little by little. Our training thus far makes me compelled to suggest the following:

Spirits have the ability to affect us in negative ways if we allow them. There is indeed a spirit of trauma in the Earth. If whatever you suffered in the past has traumatized you as much as you let on, I would suggest having some trusted Christian elders cast this spirit of trauma out of you. As you said, you've taken many measures to release yourself from this struggle, but nothing has worked thus far. If nothing works in the physical, it's always a good idea to look to the spiritual to see if something has gone wrong there.

Do not let demons and tainted spirits win. God gave this world to us, His children. We have the authority to take dominion over what goes on here-not Satan and his hordes. Take your life back for yourself in Jesus's name.  

[real eyes realize]

Since Clyvelle addressed the spiritual, I'll suggest something on the practical: consider posting less information of yourself online (or none at all to totally evade the problem of stalkers); the more info you post, the more vulnerable position you put yourself in to begin with. You're handing yourself to everyone (friend, stranger, stalker or not) on a silver platter.

If you hang out with people that know your abusers (if that's an accurate way to describe them?), then don't take pictures with those mutual friends because they could show said pictures to your abusers/stalkers, thus update your abusers/stalkers on how you look. There's really no need to take photos though (as extreme as that may sound seeing as the social norm nowadays is to document every little thing about our day, and take selca's of what we're doing, but humans survived without doing so in the past, we can survive today without it; maybe that's something to consider if you have a stalker problem: stop documenting your life, period, thus no longer leaving a trail for stalkers to follow).

Once you post something, there are no take backs; people can save a copy, take screenshots, or it caches somewhere (the fact that the "wayback machine" even exists, documenting websites since 1996, even the ones no longer existing, makes me question how much gets stored; and if they can do it with public websites, what's stopping facebook from doing this with the personal information you share?); online social networking is the biggest invasion of privacy if you invite it (participate in it).

In terms of avoiding certain people, it's the worst place to go: it's designed to bring to your attention people you may have known, nosy people, and/or total strangers who just like the way you look (thus, the main profile picture being public in search engines). Stalker-ish behavior is almost a requirement to participate lol. Maybe ask yourself if social networking (the kind where you post personal info and pictures of yourself) is really worth it and something you want to continue doing? If you decide to continue with it as is, set everything on your profile to friends only. Though, by staying on the social networking sites, and using it to document your life, you're still providing them an outlet of information about you. Somehow, some way, they could find your information if it's out there in the digital sphere. Alleviate the stress altogether by not sharing personal info/pics at all even if you keep an account on the website; as it stands now, you say you want off the grid, but you keep going back on the grid. Plus, carving a place out for yourself on the internet doesn't aid internet addiction; it gives you further incentive to get online because you have a life on there now, almost a responsibility to keep people updated over personal details. Addiction is only cured by lessening the amount/frequency of a thing, if not totally fasting from it for a while.

Though, the root of the problem is being able to look upon the person without feeling deep emotional hurt for what they did to you in the past. The problem is spiritual in nature. This is just a way to avoid bringing them to your attention for now, until you receive healing. Have you actually tried straightforwardly asking God to take away the stress and anxiety you feel when thinking about said person (or people)? Also, take this to heart:

Quote:

Matthew 10:28 (NIV)

Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

...death threats should not intimidate you. We're getting resurrected at the end anyway and we'll avoid the torture of the grave, and God's wrath, for trusting and believing in Jesus. Hell and God's wrath are way worse than any physical death, no matter if we died via murder, disease, starvation, or old age.  

[Meili Kyumee Youichi]

Here is my recommendation on how to forgive:

Ephesians 4:32 ESV
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

If we imagine how much we hurt our dear Father God by sinning, but how marvelous His grace upon us to receive and even adopt us as His possession and precious child; we should then be more easily to forgive others and forget any scar in the past just like what God did to us. He did not remember any sins we did anymore!

Because He had forgiven us first and along with the help of Holy Spirit (not with our own strength only), we CAN forgive and forget the past =]

By the mean of forgive and forgetting the past, is accepting the people who hurt you but not tolerating their sin.
-[Just like God loves us but not our sin]
To put it practical, if you know they are abusive; it is important to be wise from your past experience in how to face them. With love, advise them to change.

Forgetting the past is beneficial so that it won't haunt you; additionally, learning the important lesson from the past is also crucial so that you can be better in facing them. Be the light =]

I keep you on my prayer, I know its harder to do than to say it, but I trust God and I have faith that you will be able to do so ^_^
Take care sis <3
Feel free to always share with us.  

[ChibiHigh]

FB is an awful thing really; even if you want to reserve it to just family and friends others just seem to wiggle their way in. I have a FB and I don't even use my real name or pic yet people still find me and my information isn't on there. But because I accepted my friends that opens the door to more people coming into my page and they also post stuff about me even though I ask them not to. There are other sites besides FB that are probably safer. FB is just bad news.

But life has a funny way of making run into your past demons; while you're hurting on the inside they probably barely remember you; or they do but just don't care/ don't think anything of it. The people that hurt me all lived in my neighborhood and I saw them frequently in stores too; but I didn't stop going outside. You just have to pray for God to make you stronger in spirit and help you to move on. You have a good support system and God is on your side and he loves you and wants to help you. I often find reading the Daily Bread helps me answer questions. These people aren't worth your time and emotions, they're messing your life up without even trying- don't give them the satisfaction, because you're God's wonderful creation and he won't fail you