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 Posted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 9:32 pm
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Posted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 9:33 pm
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A teenage girl is wandering throughout the empty streets of the city Neo-Vegas, currently a run-away from an orphanage. It is the year 2390, and The Americas are now merged into one country, known as The United Americas, a totalitarian government. The girl is named Janice Young, and she is about to try to find the way out of this country she lives in, across the seas, towards (Hopefully) freedom.
Janice pulled into a nearby alleyway, more worried of being caught than of muggers. "Damn it..." Janice muttered to herself, as she rummaged through a worn backpack, "Where is it? Ah. Here it is." The girl pulled out a small machine in a similar form to a bulky bracelet, pulsating with a dim blue light, and put it on her wrist. "There!" She exclaimed, then said "Open map of United Americas, if you would." A holographic map was soon pulled up, which had come from the machine and was not big enough to cast much light, yet large enough so that Janice could read it well enough. "So, the Forces are at the Docks, huh? I wonder..." She thought to herself. "I'll have to see about that when I get to the Docks.
The Docks, once holding ships, were now holding submarines, jets, and the occasional teleportation pad, but ships were deemed out of date for use at the Docks. The Forces and their Mech Guards were here constantly, surveying and often shooting people who trespassed. Janice was surprised she even made it past the sentries at the gate. She was currently hiding behind some crates, near the Inspector's Office, an imposing structure with the red and black flag of the country on a flag-pole to the right of it.
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Posted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 9:49 pm
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Akoti A teenage girl is wandering throughout the streets, currently a run-away from an orphanage. It is the year 2390, and The Americas are now merged into one country, known as The United Americas, a totalitarian government. The girl that is wandering through the streets is named Janice Young, and she is about to try to find the way out of this country she lives in, across the seas, towards (Hopefully) freedom. Janice pulled into a nearby alleyway, more worried of being caught than of muggers. "Damn it..." Janice muttered to herself, as she rummaged through a worn backpack, "Where is it? Ah. Here it is." The girl pulled out a small machine in a similar form to a bulky bracelet, pulsating with a dim blue light, and put it on her wrist. "There!" She exclaimed, then said "Open map of United Americas, if you would." A holographic map was soon pulled up, which had come from the machine and was not big enough to cast much light, yet large enough so that Janice could read it well enough. "So, the Forces are at the Docks, huh? I wonder..." She whispered to herself. "I'll have to see about that when I get to the Docks. The Docks, once holding ships, were now holding submarines, jets, and the occasional teleportation pad, but ships were deemed out of date for use at the Docks. The Forces and their Mech Guards were here constantly. Janice was surprised she even made it past the sentries at the gate. She was currently hiding behind some crates, near the Inspector's Office.
It's good, but might I provide some constructive criticism?
In the first sentence, it states she is wandering through the streets, but it isn't detailed. I like having a vivid image in my head while reading. Were the roads empty? Are there stores around? Is it in a city? Were there street lights? Or perhaps a new system of lighting since it's so far into the future, etc etc.
"The girl that is wandering through the streets is named Janice Young" it's a pet peeve of mine to see the same words used twice to close to one another (wandering). Perhaps you can say something like "She hid momentarily hid behind a car(If there are cars) after hearing a strange noise, as she stood, she paused to look at herself in the window" Then you can explain what she looked like in great detail. You can bring her name in when she rummages through her bag, like perhaps "She rummaged through her bag and a small journal fell out. Janice Young was written neatly on the front" or something, unless, yet again, it's so far into the future and pens and paper have been replaced. >__<
Also, people don't really whisper to themselves, have it be a thought, but you don't really have to, it's just my opinion. Other than that, I like it. Remember, detail means a LOT when writing, try to explain what everything looks like. |
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Posted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 9:59 pm
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Chemism Akoti A teenage girl is wandering throughout the streets, currently a run-away from an orphanage. It is the year 2390, and The Americas are now merged into one country, known as The United Americas, a totalitarian government. The girl that is wandering through the streets is named Janice Young, and she is about to try to find the way out of this country she lives in, across the seas, towards (Hopefully) freedom. Janice pulled into a nearby alleyway, more worried of being caught than of muggers. "Damn it..." Janice muttered to herself, as she rummaged through a worn backpack, "Where is it? Ah. Here it is." The girl pulled out a small machine in a similar form to a bulky bracelet, pulsating with a dim blue light, and put it on her wrist. "There!" She exclaimed, then said "Open map of United Americas, if you would." A holographic map was soon pulled up, which had come from the machine and was not big enough to cast much light, yet large enough so that Janice could read it well enough. "So, the Forces are at the Docks, huh? I wonder..." She whispered to herself. "I'll have to see about that when I get to the Docks. The Docks, once holding ships, were now holding submarines, jets, and the occasional teleportation pad, but ships were deemed out of date for use at the Docks. The Forces and their Mech Guards were here constantly. Janice was surprised she even made it past the sentries at the gate. She was currently hiding behind some crates, near the Inspector's Office. It's good, but might I provide some constructive criticism? In the first sentence, it states she is wandering through the streets, but it isn't detailed. I like having a vivid image in my head while reading. Were the roads empty? Are there stores around? Is it in a city? Were there street lights? Or perhaps a new system of lighting since it's so far into the future, etc etc. "The girl that is wandering through the streets is named Janice Young" it's a pet peeve of mine to see the same words used twice to close to one another (wandering). Perhaps you can say something like "She hid momentarily hid behind a car(If there are cars) after hearing a strange noise, as she stood, she paused to look at herself in the window" Then you can explain what she looked like in great detail. You can bring her name in when she rummages through her bag, like perhaps "She rummaged through her bag and a small journal fell out. Janice Young was written neatly on the front" or something, unless, yet again, it's so far into the future and pens and paper have been replaced. >__< Also, people don't really whisper to themselves, have it be a thought, but you don't really have to, it's just my opinion. Other than that, I like it. Remember, detail means a LOT when writing, try to explain what everything looks like.
Alright. Is it against the forum rules for me to edit that post? |
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Posted: Fri Aug 02, 2013 10:08 pm
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Akoti Chemism Akoti A teenage girl is wandering throughout the streets, currently a run-away from an orphanage. It is the year 2390, and The Americas are now merged into one country, known as The United Americas, a totalitarian government. The girl that is wandering through the streets is named Janice Young, and she is about to try to find the way out of this country she lives in, across the seas, towards (Hopefully) freedom. Janice pulled into a nearby alleyway, more worried of being caught than of muggers. "Damn it..." Janice muttered to herself, as she rummaged through a worn backpack, "Where is it? Ah. Here it is." The girl pulled out a small machine in a similar form to a bulky bracelet, pulsating with a dim blue light, and put it on her wrist. "There!" She exclaimed, then said "Open map of United Americas, if you would." A holographic map was soon pulled up, which had come from the machine and was not big enough to cast much light, yet large enough so that Janice could read it well enough. "So, the Forces are at the Docks, huh? I wonder..." She whispered to herself. "I'll have to see about that when I get to the Docks. The Docks, once holding ships, were now holding submarines, jets, and the occasional teleportation pad, but ships were deemed out of date for use at the Docks. The Forces and their Mech Guards were here constantly. Janice was surprised she even made it past the sentries at the gate. She was currently hiding behind some crates, near the Inspector's Office. It's good, but might I provide some constructive criticism? In the first sentence, it states she is wandering through the streets, but it isn't detailed. I like having a vivid image in my head while reading. Were the roads empty? Are there stores around? Is it in a city? Were there street lights? Or perhaps a new system of lighting since it's so far into the future, etc etc. "The girl that is wandering through the streets is named Janice Young" it's a pet peeve of mine to see the same words used twice to close to one another (wandering). Perhaps you can say something like "She hid momentarily hid behind a car(If there are cars) after hearing a strange noise, as she stood, she paused to look at herself in the window" Then you can explain what she looked like in great detail. You can bring her name in when she rummages through her bag, like perhaps "She rummaged through her bag and a small journal fell out. Janice Young was written neatly on the front" or something, unless, yet again, it's so far into the future and pens and paper have been replaced. >__< Also, people don't really whisper to themselves, have it be a thought, but you don't really have to, it's just my opinion. Other than that, I like it. Remember, detail means a LOT when writing, try to explain what everything looks like. Alright. Is it against the forum rules for me to edit that post?
I don't know o: |
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