He is a doctor at my facility. We got professionally close when I was asked to join the spinal cord team. Kind of friendly and found out we both enjoy music and playing the piano. He is the director of the spinal cord injuries department. I respect him for his knowledge, he respects me for my determination to learn this s**t. I sort of took over the unit on nights, training, making sure all those on the team were placed with appropriate patients through sweet talking the schedulers. I educated everyone who dealt with them and they gave me a lot of free reign to work, even though I was only an aide. Given I showed up at more meetings than even the nurses. I was at every meeting. Me and the good doctor.
He stopped me to let me know they missed me at the meetings and to see how I was doing today. I ended up dumping on him. I kept apologizing but frankly, knowing an actual doctor heard me and my frustration over my carreer goals helped calm some of the storm inside of me. Knowing someone knows that nursing was a step down for me from my original goals, that I wanted to be where they were, and how upsetting it is that I won't even get as far as an RN when it comes to medicine. He just listened. He didn't say much. Didn't try to tell me to fight for my kids or my education like so many other people have. (I know they mean well, but I have no more fight left in me. I am destitute, with no hope, so why fight anymore? He will end up with my kids and I will end up homeless and all I can do is prolong the inevitable, so telling me to fight when there are no options I can call upon, when you have nothing tangible to offer just isn't working anymore).
Dr. Hudson just listened.
He said "this sucks" and "I'm sorry" and I looked at him and realized in that moment, that maybe my self esteem isn't as shattered as I believed it was. I feel ugly. I feel useless. I feel worthless. But I realized I did not feel stupid. (I do when I talk to Craig but he makes me feel a lot). I told him, everyone tells me that I can't do it all, but that's not true. I CAN do it. I'm good at what I do. I aced all my tests without studying. I passed all my practicals without being nervous when all my friends had to repeat after studying all weekend. I am excellent at my job and it's not true that I can't do it. What I can't do is afford it, and because of that my dreams are washing down the toilet.
But he heard me, and I thank him for that.
We have some excellent doctors that work for us. Dr. Hudson is one of our finest, and sometimes it amazes me that he is the director, and I am a lowly aide, and yet, he takes the time to hear me, and recognize that what I have to say is beneficial to our patients. I appreciate him for that today.
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The original literate chatterbox.
