"Why does she dress like that? Does she want to be a man?"

[Taeryyn]

The quote in the title comes from my landlady, and she's referring to Ellen DeGegeneres, of all people. razz

I rent a room from an older lady, and unfortunately she's got some pretty outdated views about sexuality (and ethnicity, but that's better suited for another thread). She knows I'm queer and doesn't seem to mind (which is a plus), but at the same time, she often makes (unintentionally) hurtful or ignorant comments about LGBT people or the community.

Anyway, she usually changes the channel if a show features an out gay or lesbian, but she seems to have a soft spot for Ellen. Today while she was watching the show, she blurted out the questions above.

Although it initially struck me as kind of a silly thing to ask, I've decided that it's actually not. After all, how else is someone supposed to learn anything (and therefore become less ignorant) if they never ask questions?

I answered the questions to the best of my ability (essentially, "She dresses in a way that makes her feel comfortable. It might not be a style traditionally associated with women, but that doesn't mean she wants to be a man."), and though I still don't think she understands, at least she didn't dismiss it out of hand.

tl;dr: I live with an older person who is confused by (and therefore feels threatened by) "the gays", but has started asking questions instead of making ignorant statements. Huzzah! (Ish.)

-Have you ever been asked questions similar to the ones in the thread title? -How would you personally go about explaining sexuality or gender identity to someone who had zero understanding of the subject?  

[Gummy burrs]

I like how you explained why Ellen wears her attire. Kudos to explaining it is simply.

I do not identify as lesbian, but I do wear baggy shirts and flannels, so I look kind of tomboyish.

I've never asked questions about what I wear. I don't have non-academic conversations much (I'm in collage) with males, and females tend to only comment on my appearance if I I'm dressed femininely and fashionably.

How would I go about explaining gender identity and sexual orientation.

Sexual orientation
Sexual orientation is not always consistent, but it shouldn't be looked at as a phase either. Sexual orientation is what sex you find sexy.
You know how some women love reading about the naughty things Christian Gray does in 50 shades of gray? A lot of women love those acts, but someone like myself finds them unsatisfying. Sexual orientation is vaguely the same thing - it's preference and what you find satisfying... and debatably pre-natal hormones have a little bit to do with how one behaves (aggressiveness etc.). As for how do people become gay - science doesn't know. I don't think science will ever know because genetics are only correlated with sexuality - there is no known causation due to genetics alone. Experience has a lot to do with. Going back to 50 shades, what sex you find sexy has to do with how you feel about that sex. I don't like super dominant sex roles, so I view 50 shades negatively. I like alternative rock culture (barely know anything about it, but I like it). I view it positively. I find females who dress in androgynous rock-ish attire very sexy.

This is very hard to explain.
I could spend a good week trying to figure out a good way to put this.

Gender identity.
Basically what you said about Ellen. She's not a transman or transvestite, but she dresses masculinily (like a male, not as a male). In addition to dressing like a guy, transgenders also identify as the opposite gender and they were born as...which means they view themselves as male.


That's all I got right now.
You could totally make a contest out of writing the best explanation. This is hard.  

[Anja Sedai]

My mom occasionally likes to hit me with awkward questions like that out of nowhere. Her favorite seems to be some variation of "If lesbians like women, why do they try to dress like men and/or date women who look like men? Shouldn't they be as feminine as possible and date super feminine women?" Which is probably supposed to be a not-so-subtle jab at the way I dress since I tend to dress rather androgynously and do get mistaken for male. She's generally supportive, she just has trouble understanding things sometimes, probably because of how she grew up. People mistaking me for male seems to drive her crazy. I never really know how to answer her, because I'm terrible about putting that kind of thing into words. I like who I like and I dress in a way that feels comfortable to me.

I know questions are generally a good sign that people want to understand, but at the same time it's frustrating. It's like someone wants me to speak definitively for the whole LGBT community when I have a hard enough time trying to express my own feelings.  

[Taeryyn]

Anja Sedai

I know questions are generally a good sign that people want to understand, but at the same time it's frustrating. It's like someone wants me to speak definitively for the whole LGBT community when I have a hard enough time trying to express my own feelings.

I think this captures the sentiment perfectly. We can make generalizations, but every individual is different, so there's no singular answer to a lot of the questions that someone may ask.  

[KarenGreen]

Since I used to crossdress (at least to a degree) at work, I would be asked various questions, all of which usually started with "Can I ask you something?"

I would always be super happy to reply whatever questions they might've had. Questions ranged from "Why do you wear skinny jeans?" "Why do you wear your hair long?" "Are you gay?" "Why do you shave your arms?" "Are you seriously pierced?" and so on and so forth.

I think we, as a general group, will always be the target of such remarks because of curiosity. "Why are we the way we are," is the root of the question. We just are. I feel comfortable in these clothes of mine, they make me feel like, well, me. In "boy clothing" I feel completely out of my persona, out of my zone. I feel like I'm choked and am unable to identify with myself, and therefore unable to identify with others. And this is how many of us feel, not only due to the clothes we wear, but the people we love, or the way we act.

A person in the LGBT community should not feel apart from the outside, rather welcomed, and it is those questions that welcome them, welcoming them with question birthed of curiosity.

It is when they answer their own questions with their own, formulated (read: opinionated) responses that it begins to worry me.

My mother-in-law is completely anti-gay, and thankfully, does not know about how I am when I'm at home (I don't "dress" around her). She asks questions like "Why would they let men marry each other?" "Why would those women be holding hands like that." "Why does that man have long hair; only women should have long hair." (keep in mind, she's a woman with short hair -- I'm not trying to create any labels, but if she's going to make a label like that, that's a whole different can of worms right there). Anyway, after her daughter or I try to make a valiant effort to answer her questions, she retorts with some anti-gay theory or opinion, stating that it is not right, that they shouldn't do that, it's not normal. It is these sort of people that make me sad. When they are too close-minded to listen, to understand.

To understand that there is no "normal". We are a people, all of us. Whether we're straight, gay, lesbian, transgender, queer, fluid, whatever. We just are, and we all have our ideals, and we all have our views. When she retorts, I do little else, we know her word is law.

As I state... It is better to lead by example than to be led by example.  

[Lady Kayura]

Questions like that usually put me on the defensive because they're asked with some sort of malicious intent.

Why does she dress like a man? I'd want to ask that woman if she's ever dressed in men's clothing. Men's clothing can be very comfortable and functional. Of course, I could be sensitive about it because I've dressed in men's clothing (or boy's clothing) out of necessity and teased about it growing up. Can't find jeans long enough in a woman's size? You can in mens/boys. Want to make sure that the sleeves on your shirt reach your wrist? Mens will be longer than womans, usually. Want gym shorts with pockets? Buy men's shorts.

Questions are good though. Perhaps she'll learn that "the gays" aren't trying to suck all the happiness out of the world or whatever people think we're trying to do these days.  

[DragonSlayer Arcos]

May be slightly off topic, but my parents have asked me a couple explicit questions about homosexuals. The one I remember most vividly though is "Who's the woman in this relationship?" It was a really weird conversation after that, with my fiance losing his temper which is a very rare occurrence.

Sadly I have been asked that by friends too emotion_jawdrop just sad erg  

[Saint Sims]

Tough nut to crack, however I feel you explained it quite efficiently.

The main issue with this general topic is how we gender clothing.

Skirts, dresses, heels; these are feminine articles of clothing, etc.

The difficulty lies in being able to step outside of your own ignorance and stereotyping and see that a skirt is nothing more than a skirt, whether a boy or a girl wears it, it's just a skirt.

It's like saying a spoon is masculine and a fork is feminine.

The real problem lies in media and marketing and how marketing to a singular gender profits beneficially.

Evidently, I'd be no good at efficiently explaining sexuality or gender to someone, especially in regards to clothing and self-expression.

It just IS what it IS.

 

[snowdrift_2]

I would like to clarify that gender identity does not always equate to gender expression.

It would be problematic because can you imagine what attire would be assigned to non-binary folk?

Transgender is a descriptor, but ultimately it's gender identity and that's something personal that no one can assume by sight, expression, or behavior as Der stated.

retro_rage

Seeing how asexuality is included in sexual orientations, it's more of experiencing, experiencing under certain conditions, or not experiencing sexual attraction.

Then we have the complications of sensual, aesthetic, and romantic attraction especially in how they all interact. Kinks aren't related to sexual attraction in all aspects merely because a lot of BDSM can be and is non-sexual.

Also 50 Shades of Gray is not an accurate portrayal of BDSM. It's more like Gorean lifestyle which is divorced from BDSM.

Der, also skirts were at one point something that belonged to the male gender. This all changed when horses were introduced into warfare which shifted trousers/pants to the male gender.  

[Gummy burrs]

snowdrift_2

I would like to clarify that gender identity does not always equate to gender expression.

It would be problematic because can you imagine what attire would be assigned to non-binary folk?

Transgender is a descriptor, but ultimately it's gender identity and that's something personal that no one can assume by sight, expression, or behavior as Der stated.

retro_rage

Seeing how asexuality is included in sexual orientations, it's more of experiencing, experiencing under certain conditions, or not experiencing sexual attraction.u

Then we have the complications of sensual, aesthetic, and romantic attraction especially in how they all interact. Kinks aren't related to sexual attraction in all aspects merely because a lot of BDSM can be and is non-sexual.

Also 50 Shades of Gray is not an accurate portrayal of BDSM. It's more like Gorean lifestyle which is divorced from BDSM.

Der, also skirts were at one point something that belonged to the male gender. This all changed when horses were introduced into warfare which shifted trousers/pants to the male gender.

Those were all very good points. I totally forgot about non-sexual acts when I typed my original post. I am also aware of the borderline rapey stuff that goes down in 50 shades of gray, but I didn't know the proper terminology to describe it - thanks for clarifying.