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I'm a 15 year old, Sophmore, in a school of 300.
I'm more than certain that that is a terrible way to start a post, but, I don't know.
Now this may sound stupid and maybe even annoying, but again, I don't know.
I'm pretty miserable.
Annoying right?
Well let me just start here.
Until about the age 11 I would have completely considered myself straight as a board, but I completely supported gay marriage and things of the sort.
When I became 11, I decided I was bisexual and told a select amount of friends.
I was extremely unpopular at the time and had a max of maybe, 8 friends. Most of them I disliked because they were, pardon my language, sluts and douchebags. I would always just have crushes on a few guys, but have way more crushes on girls. I had dated about 3 girls between then and now. They each lasted two weeks at max. The first two, I didn't want to end, but they did anyways. By the third relationship, it was with a girl I had liked for quite sometime, but, when I started dating her, I realized that I might just be gay. I decided to end it before it got serious, because I didn't want to hurt her because she is a really sweet girl. She still doesn't know my sexuality, there's a lot of people I still tell that I'm straight. Anywho, around the end of freshman year I became a lot more popular than I had ever been. I'm still popular along most of the people in my grade. I decided that I'm most likely gay, but I still have this rare occurrence where I have a crush on a girl, but I don't like to get involved. Recently I found this guy that I liked a lot, I had never had this feeling before. I would be so nervous and would just shake when he was around. I talked to him A LOT, like almost to the point of where I couldn't have had a bigger crush. He was musically talented on the guitar, and I hate to sound self-absorbed, but I have a great singing voice so we would always partner up for projects in Performing Arts. I wanted to tell him how I felt, he hadn't even known I was gay. My cousin ended up finding out that he would be willing to date a guy. Right when I told my cousin that I was going to tell him how I felt, she backstabbed me. She went and stole him from me. They dated for a good month and it ended horribly. I hate to say it, but I wasn't there for her. I didn't want to be. I had cried for hours when that relationship started, she knew it, and completely ignored it. Anywho. Before I met him, I was in this really depressive state of loneliness and just wanting a boyfriend, not a girlfriend. I always wanted to be out but my parents are gaycist so I couldn't. When I became popular, I still wanted to come out, and my parents finally accepted it, but I had so much to jeopardize and lose that I don't want to. It's difficult to explain. I have so many friends and they make gay jokes that everyone goes along with, I go along with it too, but if I were to come out, they would think things like "Was he serious the whole time?" Which I never was, they were jokes, but that's now how they would see it. Now. I've been extremely depressed, and lonely, and I want to explain it to my friends, but I can't because they don't even know my sexuality. I've been trying to find guys that are gay just to see if they would be up for a relationship. Although it would have to be secret. Which I hate that fact but I would probably come out if it meant I got a relationship out of it. There is only about 8 gay guys in my school. They are all annoying, rude, taken, or closeted. The guy I like is so painfully obviously gay, that I wish he would come out. He talks to guys saying that he wants to kiss them, he has the gay "Accent" which my cousin would call it, but he has been in a relationship with a girl for a year who is graduated and he's a Junior. Noone has seen them kiss, noone has seen them flirt with eachother and just ugh. I just have really wanted a relationship with the same sex to the point where I just stand in the shower for 40 minutes contemplating on how lonely and depressed I am.
This is really all I have to say and just. I don't know. ._.
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