|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2014 10:53 pm
 |
|
|
 |
Dear Reader:
I've realized recently that there may be truth to the depression label my doctor tagged me with. I used to think this was some kind of joke, like it wasn't something I could have. I took the medicines I kept to the prescribed treatment, I really did for awhile...
Yeah like most people I have bad days but I didn't actually think I could have hit this point in my life. I feel so envious of everyone who's life hasn't stopped or fallen into a rut so to speak.
My closest friends and family are all happy with their friends and loved ones where as I can't really remember when I last went out and had a real laugh or fun time. I remember when I was younger I used to be out of the house almost all day, I used to smile and laugh genuinely. I had people who made me feel alive around me taking care of me constantly. I was never alone, I never truly had the guts to wonder if anyone would miss me if I were gone because I had people in my life who told me if I was gone they'd be lost, now I don't have anyone, I guess in a sense it's my fault for not seeing the dependency issues... And those thoughts and questions plague my mind constantly.
Where friends and family are greeting their newborns and making memories, I'm just laying here wondering if anyone notices that I'm not okay. That this isn't just a simple problem of insomnia and mood swings, that it's just getting worse. I lack my old hobbies, I find no joy in making a dress or crotcheting, I find no joy in reading books I once claimed to love, there's no purpose no joy in doing something I feel inadequate at.
I've decided to try to find someone who could cheer me up without knowing that I'm hiding this, but I've had no luck, it's like I've got a neon sign signaling everyone, and it's not like it would last long they'd notice something was up or that I was hiding something. I was naturally an open book, but recently unless you get passed my heavy cover I won't talk, I won't open up for fear that I'll be exposed and only create more problems for myself.
I decided today I'd write in this journal as much as I felt necessary whether it's a one liner or more, just so I can say I got it off my chest. Since only one person I know in real life has access to this journal, I think I should be safe revealing this here.
Exitus.
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
