Essay issues

[Darkness Dragons Revenge]

This is going to be a bit of a rant, just saying.
I have this huge a** essay to write for my Honors English class. I have no clue what to write about.This thing has to be six to eight pages (double spaced thank the Lord!) but I have no thesis and fifty notecards are due tomorrow (which is just not happening.) So I get a few points off on that section. I don't care.
That's kind of my problem; I've stopped caring.
Of course I still want to get this done, and of course I want to stop yelling at my mom and making her upset over the fact that I'm upset.
The essay has to be on one of the book we've read alone for journals (yah, even in high school they're making us do them). I have read Picture of Dorian Gray, Sherlock Holmes (only about 300 pages), and The Golden Compass. Leave it to my teacher not to tell us how humongus this f*cking research paper is. I have no idea what to write about because I hae writing essays. I suck at them.
Whenever I say, "I cant do this" or "I'm bad at that" my dad always says, "No, stop that right now! Say 'I can do this!'" It's a psychological thing that if you say it enough times and truly believe it, you'll convince your brain that it's true.
I've tried everything. And you know what? I'm sick of saying "I can I can". Im not the God damned Little Engine that Could. I can't f*cking write essays. I hate them with a passion and I struggle so much with them. Once I get a thesis I can write, albeit with some difficulties and completely changing what I originally had intended.
Sometimes I don't want to be able to do something! I know I have to write this essay and it will get done, BUT STOP TELLING ME THAT I CAN. I HATE IT SO MUCH BECAUSE IT'S BEEN POUNDED INTO ME SINCE I WAS A CHILD AND I HATE THOSE WORDS SOMETIMES.
This essay is just adding so much stress to my life along with all the other stuff. One of those main points is that I am so concerned with how my teacher views me; (heads up, I never give a damn what people think of me unless I care about them. Even then it's very seldom.) I care in the sense of I don't want my teacher seeing me as the helpless child who can't do anything on her own that I've been viewed as almost my entire life. I'm not that person but people still see me that way and I don't want someone who's opinion I care about to some significant degree to change.
She knows I have trouble writing essays, I just feel that if I were to go to her again I'd be asking her to write my thesis for me. I've pretty much done it in the past.
But at this point, I don't care; I don't care about what she thinks of me anymore because I can see it on her face (and it hurts, a lot) that she gives me this fake smile that says something along the lines of, "oh I know you wish you could do this." but I'm also one of the students she likes at the same time so I'm super confused.
What I do really, really care about is how my two other previous English teachers will view me; I care so much about their opinions of me. They're like second parents to me. I can easily say I love them like family. I once said something I regret (because of my ignorance in language) and whenever I look back on it, I hate myself for it.
But that's okay, that's not the point I'm trying to make; I'm worried my current English teacher will talk to them about my issues, and they (my previous English teachers) will change how they think of me.
Also, I don't want to fail this essay because, again, it's my final.
But I'm so broken and done with this, I'm just throwing it all away and going to pretty much beg for help tomorrow.
Oh, and one more thing: I'm not distracted by the internet, or friends, or the tv; I've isolated myself in my room (been doing this because it helps me focus) and kept my phone away from me and if I log into a website, like Gaia or Facebook, I immediately close it out. I do give myself breaks about every hour or so just to play games for ten minuets and relieve stress.
Granted, I do feel a bit better about writing this and a little less likely to cry about it

 

[Blind Blindness]

You should do whatever you have to in order to relieve the tension. I'm kind of in the same boat as you right now. I'm taking a Statistics class, and it's all crammed into a 6 Week session. I might have "failed" the first exam. Point is, I understand how you're feeling!
6-8 pages is long, but it's not nearly as long as when you split it up, say even half a page or a page a day. In college you might get 10-20 page research papers, so this is good preparation. Now...what is it about the thesis that's troubling you? I don't have your teacher's guidelines about writing a thesis or research paper. However, I WILL tell you this. I won't annoy you with the mantra "You can!" But what I will say is that I've known you for some time now, and you definitely are not dumb. You're a creative little person, and it does come off in your writing. You just need a little editation-translation! Anyway....even if you get a C or a D on the paper there's always room for improvement.....you still are in high school, so there's so much time to improve your skills and hone in on your weak points.

I will tell you, though, that it's admirable that you care so much about your previous teachers. However, you are right. They are not you and they are not the ones that will judge you the most harshly. Clearly you are the one doing that. You're frustrated, tired, and just generally sick of it all. I GET caring about your teachers' opinions. Look...at the end of the day, you have to try your best, be positive, and write the best paper you can. This paper does not define you, nor do these teachers impressions. I mean, me just saying that probably doesn't make you feel better, but I have to say it because...it's true.

You're at the end of the year, right? Another month or so and you'll be ready for the summer. Just hold your head up high and write the best damn thesis you can, or die trying! And be happy with whatever the outcome. You're 16, so your brain isn't fully developed yet, not until your twenties. You have plenty of time to surpass expectations.

You'll always care about what others think! It's undeniable. Just remember that you deserve happiness and approval from yourself. heart  

[JamesWN]

What were the requirements for the essay? And the whole shabang is due by itself? No 'turn in outline by X date', 'turn in rought draft by X date', 'turn in peer reviewed draft by x date' and then final draft?

Think my last English essay was on Interview with the Vampire. Mega bullshitted my way through that one.