So i posted in February for prayers for my struggling marriage... Long story short; thanks to everyone who prayed...
we struggled and got through a big trial back in February but since, he hasn't been the same... FYI for years I asked him to go to couseiling with me and he wouldn't. I wanted so much for our marriage to be strengthened and it could have been but he rejected help. Anyway, yesterday I found out that my husband has been running around wit another woman *sigh* and I don't know what to do anymore...I told him that unless he wants a divorce now, we need to spend time apart...and I haven't heard back from him. He's not man enough to talk to me face to face or on the phone *sigh*
Why is God putting me through this? I (thought) I knew that God brought us together. We talked about it...we fell in love so fast. 3 years and now this. It's the worst pain of my life and I don't want to live. Why GOD WHY!! Im incredibly hurt and upset...angry... I cant eat... sleeping has been a challenge ... I just started back to school to become an occupational therapy assistant and its affecting my schoolwork terribly. I need help, everyone...I need answers
please help me.
Posted: Wed May 28, 2014 4:02 am
I wouldn't be so quick to say it was God putting you through this, but your husband choosing sin over obedience to God.
James 1:13-15 (NIV)
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
The flesh gets in the way. And if your husband is fanning the flesh instead of the Spirit, that's the fruit he will bear.
Galatians 5:16-25 (NIV)
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[a] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
Footnotes:
a. Galatians 5:17 Or you do not do what
Romans 8:7 (NIV)
The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.
Faithfulness = loyalty/fidelity, a fruit of the Spirit; sexual immorality (i.e. the adultery that he is committing) is a fruit of the flesh.
Have you guys tried reading through a chapter from the bible together on a consistent (if not daily) basis? I'm assuming he's a Christian, so this shouldn't be a problem to suggest; he needs to submit to the word of God when making choices instead of listening to the flesh.
I don't know what your schedules are like, but relationships in general (whether with friends, family, or God) are affected by the amount of quality time invested into them. How much (or how little) time you spend together could either distance you apart or tie you closer together. And if he spends time working on his relationship with God (reading, meditating on his Word, praying, obeying), his relationship with you has to improve. You could encourage him back to that or to start that if he's never been one to do so. There's no such thing as walking in the Spirit, having God's word and will on your mind, and choosing to cheat on your wife. Walking in the flesh will have you cheating on your wife.
Whether spending time apart will help or not, I don't know. But the only thing that manages to improve a situation, in my life, is bringing scripture to the mind of everyone involved.
I wouldn't be so quick to say it was God putting you through this, but your husband choosing sin over obedience to God.
James 1:13-15 (NIV)
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
The flesh gets in the way. And if your husband is fanning the flesh instead of the Spirit, that's the fruit he will bear.
Galatians 5:16-25 (NIV)
16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[a] you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
Footnotes:
a. Galatians 5:17 Or you do not do what
Romans 8:7 (NIV)
The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.
Faithfulness = loyalty/fidelity, a fruit of the Spirit; sexual immorality (i.e. the adultery that he is committing) is a fruit of the flesh.
Have you guys tried reading through a chapter from the bible together on a consistent (if not daily) basis? I'm assuming he's a Christian, so this shouldn't be a problem to suggest; he needs to submit to the word of God when making choices instead of listening to the flesh.
I don't know what your schedules are like, but relationships in general (whether with friends, family, or God) are affected by the amount of quality time invested into them. How much (or how little) time you spend together could either distance you apart or tie you closer together. And if he spends time working on his relationship with God (reading, meditating on his Word, praying, obeying), his relationship with you has to improve. You could encourage him back to that or to start that if he's never been one to do so. There's no such thing as walking in the Spirit, having God's word and will on your mind, and choosing to cheat on your wife. Walking in the flesh will have you cheating on your wife.
Whether spending time apart will help or not, I don't know. But the only thing that manages to improve a situation, in my life, is bringing scripture to the mind of everyone involved.
thank you. When we had problems the first time I asked him to pray with me every day and read the bible with me... and I guess we didn't. He's a firefighter and gone a lot. Not to mention apparently he's been spending a lot of time with this girl. ... ugh Im so hurt.
He doesn't invest in our relationship anymore. ... ive tried so hard and have struggled only for him to go to another woman.... I ask him to pray for us and he acted like everything was fine the day before I found this out... im just so confused. please keep talking to me.
Posted: Wed May 28, 2014 2:35 pm
LuckyTaco
thank you. When we had problems the first time I asked him to pray with me every day and read the bible with me... and I guess we didn't. He's a firefighter and gone a lot. Not to mention apparently he's been spending a lot of time with this girl. ... ugh Im so hurt.
He doesn't invest in our relationship anymore. ... ive tried so hard and have struggled only for him to go to another woman.... I ask him to pray for us and he acted like everything was fine the day before I found this out... im just so confused. please keep talking to me.
He can't be that busy if he finds enough time for her—unless she is a colleague or something? so they see each other at work and spend most of their time together anyway? Whatever the case, you should bring it up to him that he's only feeling this way because he's dedicating more time towards her; if he wants to salvage what you have together that time has to now be allocated towards you / each other. He shouldn't allow himself to be alone with another woman if he can avoid it.
And if this woman is a colleague, and thus unavoidable at work, first he needs to flat out tell her this can't happen anymore and he needs to pray to God for the strength to avoid temptation—not just during the moment temptation invites him to flirt with/ lust after/ physically touch her, but even before he ever feels temptation. He needs to continually pray that God give him the strength to reject any advances women make towards him, and the strength to flee / leave the room, because he's already married / in covenant with you. He should take it seriously to not even look lustfully at another woman:
Job 31:1 (NIV)
31 “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman.
Matthew 5:28 (NIV)
28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
1 Corinthians 6:18 (NIV)
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.
Genesis 39:6-12 (NIV)
6 So Potiphar left everything he had in Joseph’s care; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate.
Now Joseph was well-built and handsome, 7 and after a while his master’s wife took notice of Joseph and said, “Come to bed with me!”
8 But he refused. “With me in charge,” he told her, “my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. 9 No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?” 10 And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her.
11 One day he went into the house to attend to his duties, and none of the household servants was inside. 12 She caught him by his cloak and said, “Come to bed with me!” But he left his cloak in her hand and ran out of the house.
Tell him to ask our Heavenly Father for the strength to flee that sexually immoral situation. For the strength to reject, and keep rejecting, like Joseph did, run away if he has to (even more drastic if needed, if she can't take no for an answer: switch schedules, switch jobs, or move so he can be a fireman somewhere else). His promise / oath to you as a husband needs to be taken seriously. You both should take drastic measures to (1) preserve that loyalty and (2) make time for each other—sacrifices on both sides ideally, but the more dedicated partner will probably be doing the sacrificing to save the relationship (hint hint: like God who came to sacrifice himself to get Israel back; Jews first and foremost, second priority the Gentiles who get grafted into Israel and are technically Israel from that point on [Romans 1:16; 11:11-32; 9:6]).
Quote:
Matthew 15:24 (NIV)
He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”
If you're truly dead set against divorce, then you too need to resort to drastic lengths (if you haven't done so already) like that woman in the Song of Songs:
Song of Songs 5:6 (NIV)
6 I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure.[a] I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.
Footnotes:
a. Song of Songs 5:6 Or heart had gone out to him when he spoke
Technically, her lover came knocking and she didn't open up in time and then he left. But the main principle I wanted to convey is: look for your lover. Seek him out when he doesn't call back / answer. If he won't make the time for you; make the time for him. If he won't show up, then you go to him and show up. That woman in the Song of Songs even gets beat up by the watchmen when she went out to look for him. This won't be easy; there will be opposition and you might get hurt in the process, you may have to give up something valuable to make it work.
But do you love him enough to resort to drastic/desperate measures and get him back in your sight? at the very least long enough to show him one last time the scriptures for how to truly deal with the situation as a follower of Christ and let him decide, then and there, if he will take the necessary steps to cultivate loyalty/devotion to each other again and that "first love"? I would show him scriptures about loyalty to one's spouse, sexual immorality, the point where adultery starts, the solution to avoid it: to pray for strength (before temptation happens and during the temptation) and to flee it, sexual immorality, with all his might.
In order to show those verses to him in the first place: either show up personally at a place you'll know he'll be and wait for him (even at his work? is that allowed? maybe skip a day of school if that's the only way to make the time; sacrifice something valuable to you to be able to make the time; when I say drastic, I do mean drastic). And pray to God that if it be his will that you two stay together, to help you make the time. If you do score some time to speak with him, do not under any circumstances raise your voice. Even if he raises his voice first, do not reply in kind. That could derail the whole purpose of having the conversation in the first place. I've seen it happen so many times. Write everything down in a handwritten letter with the verses too if the reign you have over your mouth isn't reliable, but hand deliver the letter to him and make him read it in front of you.
Otherwise, assuming you've done everything already, then you can technically divorce; his sexual immorality is lawful reason according to God's law and you would't be sinning for getting that divorce. That's what God did with Israel (and he had no intentions of leaving her either when he covenanted with Israel / when he said "I do"):
Jeremiah 3:8 (NIV)
8 I gave faithless Israel her certificate of divorce and sent her away because of all her adulteries. Yet I saw that her unfaithful sister Judah had no fear; she also went out and committed adultery.
Matthew 5:32 (NIV)
32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
So you're really only down to two options: resort to even more drastic attempts to get into communication with him, to make time to foster loyalty/devotion to each other again—or divorce. Though I do think God prefers that we hang on to the relationship even though the spouse committed sexual immorality, like he depicts in his relationship with Israel: she committed adultery, and he still wanted to get her back (and he will get her back, though that involved coming to die).
Hosea 1:2 (NIV)
2 When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord said to him, “Go, marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord.”
Hosea 2 (NIV)
1 [a]“Say of your brothers, ‘My people,’ and of your sisters, ‘My loved one.’
2 “Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband. Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts. 3 Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst. 4 I will not show my love to her children, because they are the children of adultery. 5 Their mother has been unfaithful and has conceived them in disgrace. She said, ‘I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’ 6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. 7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, ‘I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.’ 8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold— which they used for Baal.
9 “Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, and my new wine when it is ready. I will take back my wool and my linen, intended to cover her naked body. 10 So now I will expose her lewdness before the eyes of her lovers; no one will take her out of my hands. 11 I will stop all her celebrations: her yearly festivals, her New Moons, her Sabbath days—all her appointed festivals. 12 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees, which she said were her pay from her lovers; I will make them a thicket, and wild animals will devour them. 13 I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot,” declares the Lord.
14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. 15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor[b] a door of hope. There she will respond[c] as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 “In that day,” declares the Lord, “you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master.[d]’ 17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked. 18 In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle I will abolish from the land, so that all may lie down in safety. 19 I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in[e] righteousness and justice, in[f] love and compassion. 20 I will betroth you in[g] faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.
21 “In that day I will respond,” declares the Lord— “I will respond to the skies, and they will respond to the earth; 22 and the earth will respond to the grain, the new wine and the olive oil, and they will respond to Jezreel.[h] 23 I will plant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.’ I will say to those called ‘Not my people,[j]’ ‘You are my people’; and they will say, ‘You are my God.’”
Footnotes:
a. Hosea 2:1 In Hebrew texts 2:1-23 is numbered 2:3-25. b. Hosea 2:15 Achor means trouble. c. Hosea 2:15 Or sing d. Hosea 2:16 Hebrew baal e. Hosea 2:19 Or with f. Hosea 2:19 Or with g. Hosea 2:20 Or with h. Hosea 2:22 Jezreel means God plants. i. Hosea 2:23 Hebrew Lo-Ruhamah (see 1:6) j. Hosea 2:23 Hebrew Lo-Ammi (see 1:9)
side note: But in order to do that, in a way that didn't violate his law (since according to his law, once you divorce a person, you can't remarry them if they ended up marrying someone else and later divorced them to get back to you [the original spouse]; that would be sin according to his law, yet that's what he's promising to do with Israel: even though I divorced you and you went and joined yourself to another [Baal], but then left him, I will find a way to get you back). And so we have this:
First, what that law is:
Deuteronomy 24:1-4 (NIV)
24 If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, 2 and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, 3 and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, 4 then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.
The workaround (coming to die):
Romans 7:1-4 (NIV)
1 Do you not know, brothers and sisters—for I am speaking to those who know the law—that the law has authority over someone only as long as that person lives? 2 For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him. 3 So then, if she has sexual relations with another man while her husband is still alive, she is called an adulteress. But if her husband dies, she is released from that law and is not an adulteress if she marries another man.
4 So, my brothers and sisters, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to another, to him who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit for God.
note: to be released from that marriage doesn't mean God's law was abolished; otherwise, there would be no such thing as committing adultery and it wouldn't be a sin to commit adultery (because sin is the transgression of the law / the breaking of the law, i.e. 1 John 3:4; can't break a law that doesn't exist).
And the following might sound a little crazy, but in order to avoid divorce, the level of "drastic" I'm talking about even includes giving up that degree to become an occupational therapy assistant in order to make time for each other. And tell him you're willing to give that up (only if you really mean it though) to make time for him. Sacrificing something valuable to you is a sure-fire way to fully convey just how serious you are about saving the relationship. There's a heavy price you're willing to pay to get him back. Again, this is following in the footsteps of God to express love to an unfaithful/disloyal spouse. We can't sacrifice our life to get them back, but we can sacrifice livelihood. But again, that's probably the ultimate level of drastic assuming nothing else works (and you don't end up going for divorce no matter what).
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Invisible Guildswoman
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AuroraInBlue
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Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2014 8:38 pm
I agree with the first response. As someone not even married much less divorced, I'm afraid I have no experience so I can't help much there, but I will pray for you at least.
Also, what kind of counseling were you thinking of? I think your own pastor would be better than a divorce/marriage counselor- some marriage ones could be helpful but talking to someone with secular views on marriage could possibly not be as helpful as you'd like. They likely just wouldn't share the same standards as a Christian counselor or pastor. Maybe would suggest divorce, which I think God would not want in most situations. I think we're to try our best to work things out, but He doesn't fully condemn it- I forget the Scripture but I think it is allowed when a spouse cheats on another, and even then I think it's best to work on your relationship and try not to give up.
Probably not as helpful as the first two responses but oh well. I really hope it works out for the two of you and he comes to realize what he did was wrong and your marriage is worth it.
Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2014 12:14 am
AuroraInBlue
I agree with the first response. As someone not even married much less divorced, I'm afraid I have no experience so I can't help much there, but I will pray for you at least.
Also, what kind of counseling were you thinking of? I think your own pastor would be better than a divorce/marriage counselor- some marriage ones could be helpful but talking to someone with secular views on marriage could possibly not be as helpful as you'd like. They likely just wouldn't share the same standards as a Christian counselor or pastor. Maybe would suggest divorce, which I think God would not want in most situations. I think we're to try our best to work things out, but He doesn't fully condemn it- I forget the Scripture but I think it is allowed when a spouse cheats on another, and even then I think it's best to work on your relationship and try not to give up.
Probably not as helpful as the first two responses but oh well. I really hope it works out for the two of you and he comes to realize what he did was wrong and your marriage is worth it.
Matthew 19:1-12 English Standard Version (ESV) Teaching About Divorce
19 Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. 2 And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”
10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”
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