Thought I'd take some time to bare my soul and share my story. Story is very scrambled and jumps all over the place. I will also be editing/revising/and updating about my current journey. Consider this a rough draft emo
Disclaimer: I am not speaking on behalf of all Atheists, or anyone else for that matter. This is my story. Please respect that some of this will be also be sensitive information.
If you wish to share your stories, please feel free!
When you are growing up, life makes it easy to get angry. Doesn't it? Over time, that anger will fester. Eventually, that negative energy will manifest. Blaming God for all of my troubles was a convenient outlet. See, there's the catch-22. Even pointing the finger at God or some omnipotent being for my troubles was still acknowledging the existence of him. If I blamed God, then that would ultimately mean God would have to exist. In order to cope with the tug-of-war with those feelings, it was easily dealt with by just denying the existence of anything. After years of tossing myself back and forth with "what if's", "logic" and "science", it was just as easy to wash my hands of it. So I thought.
If anyone had approached me a little under a decade ago, telling me that I would someday reconsider my beliefs (or lack thereof, rather) I would have laughed. And laughed hard. Being a typical teenager, I thought I knew everything. Equipped with a world wide web of information at my fingertips, there was limitless information that gave every reason I needed to shun all religions and God. In the words of someone very dear to me, I was "spiritually bankrupt". And it was true. At one of the lowest points in my life, I was hollow inside. By all technicalities, I shouldn't be here to even write this testimony. However, that's another story and not one I am as eager to divulge publicly.
All I had was the pseudo-intelligence of the internet on my side, coupled with teenager's angsty attiude. Although I can't speak on behalf of all Atheists, I feel there is a strong "elitism" persona that parallels with identifying as an Atheist. I was infected with that obnoxious attitude. In reality, that same attitude exists with any sort of label - even individuals that are religious. With that, I will just add that being "spiritually bankrupt" isn't only reserved for the non-religious. Even if one attends church regularly... Without actively practicing the teachings of the Bible, you aren't doing yourself nor anyone else any favors. It's only a false sense of inflated ego and is a self-serving purpose. It sucks - because it is those people that only closed doors for others. Little did I realize that, in the process, I was closing doors for myself, too.
From what I can remember, if someone dared to broach a debate on religion with me, I pulled out all of the stops. Just to prove a point. There was a twisted "high" that comes with feeding your own ego. Problem is, it's temporary. And now, looking back, I do have regret on how I handled some of these "debates". Words are powerful. And in those debates... My heart was never open. I was never truly listening, except for hearing myself talk. In those days, the only aim I had was to find out how to swiftly shut someone down.
Years later, I am regretful of those conversations... I can still recall a heated argument between my mother and I. I was about twelve or thirteen. My mother was in the hospital. Of all the times to argue, right? Somehow, a conversation about faith, religion, and God had been broached. Though I can't remember what was said, I knew my words broke my Mother's heart. At that age, I lacked the maturity to express my own opinions while still maintaining civility and respecting the faith of another individual.
Most of my argument with my mother came from tid-bits from that viral YT movie called Zeigeist. Some of you may or may not remember that video. Like most teens, I was very impressionable. Perhaps, even more impressionable than others because I was very sheltered. I grew up with a religious upbringing as an Church of LDS - Mormon. My grandfather was a well-known bishop of a local church. Additionally, when I was younger, my mother was a Primary School teacher. A viral video like Zeitgeist turned my upbringing inside out and led me down a rabbit hole being made to feel like my upbringing was a fabricated fantasy. I felt deceived and lied to. I felt this is worth mentioning because it did act as a catalyst at a very chaotic time in my life.
Sometime later, I remember how my mother expressed to me that she had begun to lose faith. Depression loomed over her life. Social isolation. Multiple illnesses and chronic pain eventually led to addictions to medications. She passed away on a Thanksgiving, November 22, 2007. Rationally, I know that an argument can't cause a domino-effect. She had her own demons she was battling against. Regardless, there is guilt in knowing that instead of lifting a loved one up and giving them hope, I chose to plant seeds of doubt instead. Lesson learned. There is an art of really listening to someone share a part of themselves with you. Although I haven't mastered it yet, it's a work in progress that can only get better.
So, how did I become a bitter Atheist? Something to keep in mind, is that everyone has a story. Everyone faces tribulations and adversities in life that will test you to your absolute breaking point. These experiences shape you into who you are, based on the choices you make out of your free-will. There are temptations out there trying to break you away from your faith. There may even be times where you, yourself, are the temptation. Temptation has visited me several times in my life, as it will with everyone. And yes, I have succumbed to it. Without dredging up too much of my past, I was dealt with a cold hand of cards growing up. Divorce, multiple family deaths, father becoming legally insane (Schizophrenia), mother passing away in my mid-teens, and suffering chronic personal health ailments. Tip of the iceberg, I hate to say. Bluntly, I felt "abandoned". Not only by those "earthly guardians" who were supposedly appointed to protect, support, and guide me, but I also felt as though I was being punished by God. My logic became... Well, if God abandoned me, then I will turn my back on him, too.
Despite my renewed faith in God, these old ideologies resurface from time to time. Especially when I find myself vulnerable. Often, I question myself whether I am even worthy of God's love, among other things. However, I truly do believe that the challenges I have endured is preparing me. For what? I have a slight idea. Do I always agree with God's plan in that particularly trying moments? No. However, I have submitted myself to his will and plan... Even as I struggle to fulfill his plan, I pray for patience, strength, and guidance. There will be a day where my experiences have equipped me with lesson and resources to reach others.
The defining moment of submitting myself to God's will is the day that my partner and I stepped into a church few months ago. I chose to go on my own free-will. Although my significant other has guided the way for me spiritually (who, ironically, was also a former Atheist until recently), this was something I had decided to do. The entire way, I had to fight voices in my head. Not sure how else to explain them. Among the things I heard in my head: "Your soul isn't yours to give", "You don't belong here", "Wasting your time", "Your God isn't listening". My significant saw my struggle and simply told me to have a conversation with Him. Every step of the way, my significant other supported me. Before the sermon began, I knelt on my knees. Heart was pounding. It had been years since I since I had said a single prayer. Little by little, I struggled through the prayer. Tears, trembling, and all. Eventually, I got through it. The voices stopped. And although I was exhausted, there was a warmth of peace and clarity.
His existence, as well as the existence of evil, is ridiculously undeniable for me at this point. I am hesitant to share my experiences of it publicly, I will gladly share with anyone who asks and is willing to listen.
There truly is power in prayer. Speak to Him with a genuine heart and intentions, and He will listen. Trust in His plan. For a long time, I didn't understand what that meant... Now, my faith is growing stronger than ever. Things may not always unravel as we expect or want, but ... With faith, you won't have to worry. Easier said than done, I know. But I believe this now more than ever.
Update 7/8/14: I still plan on adding much more to this original post, later... In regards to how I have begun to renew my faith in God and beginning my journey with my significant other to strengthen our faith.
If anyone has any questions, comments, or wishes to share your story, again - please feel free to add. Please don't quote, as I am still revising and will update again soon.
Thank you for reading heart
Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2014 2:14 pm
I've read this as of July 7th, 2014. Let me know, please, when you've added more.
Now then...
Thank you so much for your testimony. I love hearing people's testimonies. In my opinion a testimony is the best evidence that Jesus Christ is the truth--He transforms people, for the better. But then, isn't that part of our faith anyway, testimony?
The testimony of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, proven true through His resurrection, which we believe by the testimony of His apostles, including Paul, and the believers in the early church. Everyone believes in testimonies. Everyone trusts them to be true. Unless you are a specialist in the field, that's what you must do. Teenage Naturalists, like you yourself probably once were (there are many kinds of atheism), trust in the testimony of scientific study. They haven't done the studies themselves--they trust in the research of others.
Thank you for sharing. I want you to know that I am greatly appreciative of the fact that you shared your testimony. Testimonies ALWAYS brighten my day. Especially since I'm struggling through a depression at the moment, bright days are very important.
And thank you for being honest about the mindset of many atheists, the whole "elitist" mindset and the desire to just crush people.
When these old ideologies resurface, please feel free to talk to me. I want to make sure you're not left alone with such thoughts. Satan uses them, as do our own sinful hearts, to draw us away from the Truth that has saved us.
Thank you.
Please be sure to update me when you have updated your post! heart
Scarlet_Teardrops
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olisea
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Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2014 4:55 am
Scarlet_Teardrops
Thank you for taking the time to let me know you read and appreciated the story. I was afraid that it was hard to follow! Especially as I have not had much time to proof-read it since starting nursing classes. But I will continue doing so as I plan to keep updating this thread in the future.
I am hoping that, by being honest, others will benefit from my story. Unfortunately, I feel the whole "elitist" mindset exists among even those that are religious, non-religious... It just takes all kinds. And in reality, it's just a big facade that doesn't do anyone any good. Personally, I used it as a shield, for many reasons. And many of those reasons i haven't written about.
Since I am no stranger to Depression myself, please feel free to reach out to me anytime. Know that you aren't alone.
I appreciate all the kind words. It gave me the motivation to write a bit more. Though, I think my future updates will focus more on my current journey as opposed to the past.
Please take care! heart
Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:44 pm
Testimonies are awesome because they show that you were at one point someone else. They show that there is a God, and that He is merciful, often despite ourselves. It shows the claim is true that you are going to receive a new heart, and a new mind, that the old man/woman will pass away. Perhaps you are being prepared for greater things, having to go through so many troubles. The elitist-mindset you are talking about is pride. That is the source of it. There is nothing good to be said about it, everyone would do well to be a little more humble. If it is not too personal, and your significant other doesn't mind that you answer on his behalf; how did he start his walk with Jesus? Was there a particular event in his life? Good luck with your nursing classes! I will be praying for you.
Garland-Green
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olisea
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2015 9:13 pm
NOTE: I recently shared this part of my testimony in a PM with a kind individual that was inquiring about how my experiences involved in the sciences and as a biomed lab technician influenced my faith and journey towards God. Wanted to share this everyone here and add it to my testimony. Thank you for reading and God bless! heart
When I was an Atheist, I used use the excuse that Christians were using religion as a "crutch". Now, I am on the other side of the fence reaping the same karma that I put out into the world lol Looking back, I really do harbor shame in doing that... It isn't right to cut people down. Thankfully, I feel I have grown since then.
It's difficult to say that science solely led me to have faith. There were a multitude of things happening over the course of a year.
However, was an "aha" moment when I was working in the lab as a biomed lab tech. I was prepping all of the equipment and taking aliquots from algae pond water samples that the students had retrieved. I was so excited because we got this new piece of microscope equipment that we could actually filter what the microscope picked up. For a lab rat like me, this was the jackpot. No more having to squint and try to see a microbe squiggling off the slide. This new equipment screened it as if you are looking at your computer screen right now.
Here are some pictures I got from my phone:
I remember I sat in the lab for almost... 5-6 hours past my work shift just looking at this. I actually have live video from my phone that captures these little microbes. My microbiology professor was able to identify a few of the algae just by looking, but we sifted through a book that came with the kit.
This was the moment that I got to actually see a live feed of what life is like on a microscopic level. It it is a completely and totally different experience than the gram-stain method. And this was also the moment that almost forced me to acknowledge that there is some creation behind this. Something spectacular, beautiful, and extraordinary beyond than what we ever could imagine on this plane of existence. Everything from what I was seeing in real time, to the engineers and scientists it took to create such amazing technology.
Now, I will say this did not ultimately make me a believer of God, at this point. If you want to put a label on it, I would say I was Agnostic. Believing in a divine existence, but just not knowing the "what".
I could show you pictures from my NASA internship... But honestly, the only truly spectacular thing about it was going out and doing field work. Extracting the specimens was probably the hardest (but most rewarding) experience. We had to hike 10 miles (five miles to the specimen site, and then five miles back), which doesn't sound too bad... Except, we were hiking through mountains to get to hot springs. My body was all kinds of scraped up after that trip.
This is the abstract that was published and presented to NASA affiliates. Unfortunately, I never got to present my findings. I got into a very bad motor-vehicle accident. I showed up just to tell my colleagues that I was going to the hospital. I felt terrible for letting them down like that... Worse, because I was the only one that had done the field work and most of the lab work (in my team - there were 3 teams).
Quote:
Abstract: Extremophiles are microscopic organisms that thrive in physically or geochemically extreme conditions. Halophiles (salt-loving), a species of extremophiles, grow optimally in habitats with a high solute concentration and require a solution of at least 9% NaCl (combined with other salts) to survive. However, they may grow optimally in NaCl solutions up to 25%. Studies of these microbes are significant to NASA because they may correlate to microbes thriving in similarly extreme habitats in our very own solar system!
Four different specimens were collected and cultured with varying levels of solute concentration to verify characteristics that may classify them as halophilic organisms. Samples exhibited similar attributes such as rod-shape and arrangement. Further investigation is necessary to enhance correlation of these extreme microbes to the field of astrobiology.
It is a lame abstract compared to the professionals, but I was a beginner. So... nyah! blaugh
Here are some pictures from the actual hike in Gold Strike Canyon, NV for sample collection:
Yeah, don't go sticking your head under water in hot springs... This nasty little amoeba will eat your brains and has something like a 98-99% fatality rate if you get infected with it emotion_zombie
Lab photo of mixing our agarose medium infused with varying levels of salt concentrations to test our original hypothesis. This medium was poured into petri dishes and then specimens isolated via streaking plate method.
And... Gram-staining for gram reaction and observing for endospore formation.
... In my experience, God has put many people (including my mentors pictured above) in my path to show me His truth. He works through people, sometimes. I have some stories that even leave me asking, "Did that actually just happen?"
I will be the first to tell you that I don't have all the answers... No one really does. And of course, I am still learning on my own spiritual journey. All I have are my experiences or "testimony". Others in the Christian community call those experiences "witnessing". There are times I still have to fight against doubts that are lingering around. When I do doubt, I pray for guidance and protection from the deceptions and temptations of this world.
Thank you for your testimony, and thank you for the update! One of the things that really inspires awe and belief in God in me is how AMAZING His creation is. So complicated, so intentional...
My younger brother is going through the 'haughty, depressed teen' thing that you did. If you could, please pray for him as well.
Thank you again for typing all that out for us--your effort makes a big difference. 3nodding
Posted: Fri Apr 10, 2015 6:18 pm
Pickled Cactus
this was amazing to read! your testimony is something i know will encourage me. will be trying to follow this thread as best as i can. whee
Viviane_neechan
Yes!!
Thank you for your testimony, and thank you for the update! One of the things that really inspires awe and belief in God in me is how AMAZING His creation is. So complicated, so intentional...
My younger brother is going through the 'haughty, depressed teen' thing that you did. If you could, please pray for him as well.
Thank you again for typing all that out for us--your effort makes a big difference. 3nodding
Thank you both for your kind words emotion_hug
I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers heart
this was amazing to read! your testimony is something i know will encourage me. will be trying to follow this thread as best as i can. whee
Viviane_neechan
Yes!!
Thank you for your testimony, and thank you for the update! One of the things that really inspires awe and belief in God in me is how AMAZING His creation is. So complicated, so intentional...
My younger brother is going through the 'haughty, depressed teen' thing that you did. If you could, please pray for him as well.
Thank you again for typing all that out for us--your effort makes a big difference. 3nodding
Thank you both for your kind words emotion_hug
I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers heart
thank youu, i appreciate that emotion_bigheart
Posted: Sat May 02, 2015 5:54 am
I myself use to be Atheist, and even though I didn't have to endure nearly as many hardships growing up, I think if I were being honest, even though I cannot perfectly remember what being a teenager is like, I would say that I use to be very argumentative for the sake of making my own self look good.
Your testimony is amazing. smile Thank you for this awesome story!
I actually felt something like depression (I never went to a psychologist, so I can't put a guarantee that I was really depressed.) I went though a period of just feeling hopeless, and I feel like God used this experience to show me how amazing he is, and after it was over, I was able to have a relationship with God, which was greater then anything else.
Fire Breathing Cat 400
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olisea
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Posted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 1:43 am
Fire Breathing Cat 400
I myself use to be Atheist, and even though I didn't have to endure nearly as many hardships growing up, I think if I were being honest, even though I cannot perfectly remember what being a teenager is like, I would say that I use to be very argumentative for the sake of making my own self look good.
Your testimony is amazing. smile Thank you for this awesome story!
I actually felt something like depression (I never went to a psychologist, so I can't put a guarantee that I was really depressed.) I went though a period of just feeling hopeless, and I feel like God used this experience to show me how amazing he is, and after it was over, I was able to have a relationship with God, which was greater then anything else.
Just now saw hits post for some reason. Thank you for the all the kind words!
Hope you are doing well. May God continue to guide you and bless you heart
Posted: Wed Jun 24, 2015 10:41 am
Thanks for continuing to share your testimony. Testimonies are very inspiring and are very edifying to me personally.
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