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 Posted: Mon Nov 17, 2014 11:28 pm
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
Holy shmow cow! Lots of juicy details to tell in his little journal entry!
Okay, so the day started out pretty good. Though I did throw up plenty of times. Yum. Vomit, am I right? Anyway, whenever I decided to actually get my a** up and go out for a bit, I ended up going to Sucre’s to visit Finn. I HATE waking up when he’s not there. ;-; It sucks major balls. I mean, seriously, five years together, two years married, and I can’t even wake up with him in the morning? In the same bed? Puh-lease. Well, after practically almost having sex on the candy counter - which, anyone would admit that’s freaking ho--- Ugh, I’m still getting shivers. It’s making me scribble off my sentences. ANYWAY. @-@ Finn took me home to throw up somewhere OTHER than his store bathroom, which only ended up being the downstairs bathroom. Fantastic. My sweet Finn~. He took off half of the day from work just to see me home and make sure I was okay. So he took his work and whatnot with him. But I still had to make it up to him. What wife let’s her husband almost get in trouble and not grant him a reward? So what does this lady pull out? Thaaaat’s right. The sheared, glossy, skimpy little black outfit for him. I KNOW he loves that thing. He only had to look up once before his shirt was o-- DAMN IT. PEN. WORK WITH ME HERE. I KNOW IT’S HARD TO FOCUS PAST THE SEXUAL TH- GRAH.
After the “escapade”, I asked for a jar of pickles (they be so good), and sorta… Conked out after that. Whew! Can that boy wear a girl out~. Two rounds of Finn sex? Psshhhh. After five years and I STILL can’t handle it. Then again, it makes me worried when he has to take meds afterwards for his knee. Scary s**t. So! I don’t know how long I was out for, but I felt a little better after a nap. And guess who I happened to find downstairs after my nap!! JACOB! That a*****e has been avoiding me, I swear! But maybe he was just here to surprise me! Oh I was so excited. To think Jacob’s gonna be here with us now? Suh-weeeeeet. Though, in retrospect, tackling him with a sheet probably wasn’t the BEST idea. >///> I probably made Finn a little mad with that one. But that’s not a problem! I love my Finn, not Jacob. I mean, I had a crush on him at some point? But Jacob’s pretty… I dunno. He can take a joke and he can joke around, but I need someone to be social with me… And… Have an obscenely large sex drive. At least, I found that one out after the first day I met Finn-- FFFFFFFFF. UGH. Well, after they wrapped me up like a damn mummy, Finn brought me upstairs, we talked, and then I got dressed and came back down so I could show Jacob the Starfish.
He seemed to like it. Not a lot of people would actually KNOW that about Jacob, but he did. Most people would think… Well, they wouldn’t know what he was thinking. So I invited Jonathon, who brought a girl named Luna and I made some drinks for us. (Thank GOD I didn’t actually DRINK it.) If I had known I couldn’t drink it, I would’ve had at least one last party night. I didn’t exactly expect a Flamingo Press to be my last drink. Though I guess it tastes alright. I like it. Even if it is more of a fruity girl drink with vodka. Well, I was talking to Jonathon about how I’ve been sick. And the freaking… Freaking a**/lovable man mentions pregnancy. Aaaaaaaand, it all clicked. All of it. The throwing up. The weird cravings. The extreme want of sex. So I ran and ran and ran to the store in order to take a test - which, oh, hey! Guess I run into. FINN. AND HE FREAKING CAUGHT ME HOLDING FOUR PREGNANCY TESTS. UGH. Talk about agravating. I… I fibbed. I told him they were for Luna. Poor thing. I hope Finn never meets her. >-> After going to the bathroom, I took 2; somehow mustering up enough piss to do so.
Both positive.
So I took a walk… A really long walk and thought about everything had sort of… Led up to this moment. And finally, I guess it just kind of hit me. What’s wrong with being pregnant? Finn and I have the money. I’m sure the man that owns Sucre’s will probably kick the bucket to Finn soon anyway. We’ve been married for 2 years at the very least. I mean, look at Mom, she had me when she was 20 and I think my life was awesome. I’m sure this baby will be just the same. I already bought some little baby booties and a stuffed little rabbit. Hnn~. My little precious baby. *sigh* I told Finn the news, honestly expecting him to be more in disbelief and slight anger. But it was the complete opposite. I gave everything to him in a pretty, pink pastel bag. His reaction… Was amazin. That initial look of shock looked like he might have a heart attack, which worried me. But the next thing I knew, we were both bawling like a bunch of babies because… I’M HAVING A BABY!!!! I’M SO EXCITED!!!!
And my precious Finn… You’re going to be such a wonderful Daddy… You’ll be the best Dad a kid could ever want - boy or girl. We’re thinking Phoebe, remember? Honestly, I wanted Lily… But… Well, I dunno. Lily was sort of the name I had picked out for YEARS now… But if that’s not what we agree on, then I guess we won’t pick Lily. I kinda like Chloe a little more than Phoebe though. Not sure why Finn has it in for Greek names, but we’ll see.
Aaaaaaaand, that’s when things took a turn for the worst.
I’d been thinking months on end over this. I mean, months. Probably more than that. I want Tyrese to be our first kid’s Godfather. Why, diary? Well… When you really want me to spell it out (Get it? Cause I’m writing with words?), honestly… Tyrese just, doesn’t have a family. He doesn’t have a reason to come see Finn except that they’re best friends. Which, if I’ve found anything, guys can go on for years without seeing their best friend and never really “miss” each other as long as they still talk. Girls have to BE there with each other if they’re “best friends”. Though I still consider Skylar one of my best friends and I hadn’t seen her since we moved. Well… Instead of acting HAPPY like any normal person should.. He starts telling me that Tyrese has a lot on his plate and that’s he been here for a while… And why didn’t Finn tell me that? Why wouldn’t Finn tell me… Ugh. It’s always like this between Tyrese and Finn. If Tyrese is ever here, it’s like the whole world dies out around him when they’re together. There is no Bree. Thereis no Sucre’s. There is nothing but “Ty”. Don’t get me wrong, I love their friendship, I envy it that I don’t really have that with a person MY gender. But when you see them together and Tyrese doesn’t say a damn word to you? But talks like a damn clique girl to Finn…? You start feeling like a social outcast between the two. At least Jacob tries to talk to Finn. Jacob tries to be friends with Finn. And that last time he tried to help Finn? Finn practically snapped his damn head off. But nothing will be as bad as when he yelled at me for one of the first times…
I ran.
I ran and hid under the ocean for a while.. I just… He YELLED at me.. It broke my heart. It hurt so freaking bad… I couldn’t stand it. I just… Split open the ocean and sat at the bottom until it got dark… And when I came out? Tyrese was there. Of all people. But at that point, I dunno… I wasn’t really FEELING anything… He told me he doesn’t hate me.. And somewhere, I want to believe it. I really do. I told him I believe him… But… I guess it’s just hard when your husband typically stands up against you for his best friend rather than comforts you and tells you it’s gonna be okay. At some point after talking we found Finn… And I guess they had an argument too.. Because he told him to stay away from him… And I just… Everything fell apart. We came home, Finn cried… I don’t like seeing him cry.. Ever..
The night cleared up and everything feels back to normal…
Just… Off...
heart Aubrey Teagan heart |
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Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2014 12:12 am
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
I don’t understand how people can go outside in the damn cold weather. I had to crawl my a** out of Finn’s arms and down the stairs… Okay, maybe not HAD to, but I wanted to see Tyrese’s kid! I could only imagine what the little girl looked like! And oh. My. God. She’s ADORABLE! Albeit, she’s a little shy~. Which only brings on those aspects of Tyrese. Funny how they didn’t even know each other a few days ago. I think. Something like that? Then again, who knows. For I all I know, he could’ve known his daughter for months now and even Finn could know her. Frustrating. But again! I wouldn’t know. Because I’m always “out of the loop”. Well, anyway, enough ranting. She has the most beautiful blue hair, just like Tyrese’s… Though her eyes must be her mom’s. They’re… More reddish than anything. Sorta like Garnet’s color on Steve Universe. Which reminds me, I need to change my phone case sticker. I’ll have to tell myself to do that later. Another thing! I gotta keep stocked up on sour candy for Sela, Tyrese’s daughter. I would definitely like to get a hold of her one day… And hopefully she’ll warm up to me! She really is just the sweetest thing. No crying, no tantrums, and she definitely didn’t even look the slightest bit affected by the cold; which was actually cute. Just like her Dad.
Too bad I didn’t get to come back and cuddle again with Finn. T^T Byeehhhh, he’s always so warm. And he promised. The big jerk! He’s such a nerd. My nerd~. It always makes me giggle when he calls me ‘momma’ or ‘mommy’, even if it’s with Dime. Like he’s our kid. Actually, scratch that, he is our kid. I love Dime! He’s been here all five years to witness…. Everything, really. I wonder what he’d say if he could talk? *shrug*
After Finn left, Jacob came to pick me up to go to the hospital. UGH. I hate doctors. I don’t care who they are. It’s like they’re required to make you wait on the edge of your damn seat all the time.
“Oh yes! The results are in!” … … … ... … … ... … “The tests are negative.”
I mean, yeah right. They probably have a big fat sticker that says, “NEGATIVE” right on the front. Bunch o’ buttholes.
And Skylar came too!!!! Oh I’m so PSYCHED. Jacob AND Skylar?? One right after the other!!! Is it high school reunion already? ;D Well, I started freaking out the further the appointment came… And… I started thinking, what if I’m not pregnant? What if I’m… Dying or something? What if I have an illness that can’t be cured? So I told Jacob to go take Skylar out for a bit and I’d catch up later… It wouldn’t be fair to tell her one of her good friend’s was extremely sick.. Or get her hopes up that she might be having a baby, only to find out later that she wasn’t. But regardless! I started freaking out again. And in my stupidity… I called on Tyrese. I know he said AFTER the appointment? But I had JUST got done sending Skylar and Jacob away. And Finn was at work.. I couldn’t pull him from work again. But… The further it went on, I kinda started to get angry. What husband doesn’t come to his wife’s first sonogram appointment? What husband isn’t going to be there in case the doctor says, “Actually, you’re not pregnant. You have a bug.” And Tyrese, what the hell? "Bree, you can't cry over every ‘what if’ in your life.” Who the hell says that to someone? Especially someone who’s freaking out? And I STILL can’t understand why Finn wasn’t there. Sure, he’s not the owner. He can’t take time off willy nilly. But for the love of God, it was my first SONOGRAM. OF OUR FIRST BABY.
Regardless, I’m sure Tyrese texted Finn to tell him to come so he could sneak off… Which.. Only makes me feel worse about the “Tyrese hates me”. The more he sneaks off and the more Finn defends him sneaking off, the more frustrated and left out I get. It was my own fault for sending Jacob and Skylar off, of course. But they left because I asked them to. I didn’t ask Tyrese to leave or to go away. I texted him because, somewhere in the subconscious of my mind, I wanted Tyrese to be there… He’s… He’s our family now. At least, I hope he wants to be…
The appointment was long, that’s for sure. And Dr. Harvey said it would be short. Bullshit it was. =w= He gave us a packet, lots of prescriptions and FINALLY Finn took us home on the bike. I love riding with him… Feeling his body block the wind but still catch that cooling breeze…~ Cuddled up to my handsome man like I know no other girl will be able to do..~ Ugh, it’s so loving and romantic. So I huddled myself back inside and we had a wonderful nigh-- And I ALMOST got through this entire entry without having to FRIGGIN’ SCRIBBLE. GRUHHHHH.
Well. I have two words for this day.
MUCH. BETTER.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart
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Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2014 9:09 am
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
I’m hoping to God today wasn’t real… I’m hoping that somewhere, somehow this was all a dream and that when I wake up, I’ll be home in bed like nothing happened.
The day started out okay, really, there was absolutely nothing wrong. Finn even got up after our little ‘escapade’ and ran a bath for me. Oh, it was wonderful… ANd absolutely adorable when I came back out and found him sleeping. I wish he’d stay and sleep more often. It’s not like he has any super early customers anyway. I definitely know he needs it. Poor thing… Always waking up at the asscrack of dawn just to go sweep the damn place. Maybe he’d take some time off and persuade the owner to hire another cashier when the baby’s born. I sure hope so! I hate seeing him so wound up and tired when he gets home. I can’t talk though. =w= I work at a bar late at night and don’t come home til about 2 most days. Maybe I’ll start going in earlier… Hire a part time bartender for now. Just a thought.
It wasn’t until he came down the stairs that everything went wrong again.
I don’t mean to blame Tyrese - but it seems that ever since he got here, this whole bullshit has been non stop. I get it. I get that he was away for a while and we should be happy to see him. But in a way, Lillian and Tyrese brought this on themselves. We know Tyrese - and I’m sure Lillian doesn’t have as high a sex drive as I do. At least, I don’t think so. I don’t really remember her very well. But with as often as Finn and I have sex… We went a straight 5 years of being safe. How is it possible that they couldn’t go one year? Not even a year. And with as calm and collected Tyrese is, I would kinda think it wouldn’t be that difficult. I just… Stupid things like that in highschool really piss me off. You’re freaking almost adults - grow up and be safe. There is no ‘maybe this’ or ‘maybe that’. And on top of that, if Lillian is some big, business owner and Tyrese is a big, romance novelist, I don’t see how they couldn’t look for each other. Don’t get me wrong, I know they’re probably both busy. But I’ll be damned if they didn’t have assistants to help them. I mean s**t. Just GOOGLE them. I guarantee you you could find the location super quick and easy. God.
Well, Tyrese had invited us over (supposedly) right when I was making lunch. But I guess Finn told him something without telling me, because as soon as I offered for him and Sela to come over, suddenly they couldn’t come. Instead, he went to the beach with Lillian. Then? Finn tells me that Tyrese and Lillian had sex the day they found each other again. Are you KIDDING me?! I can get that they missed each other just that much. I can get that they wanted to spend time together. But do they have any idea what that could do to Sela? They’ve been back for 3 days now. 3 days. That’s it. Three days is not nearly enough time to cover five years worth of no communication. Sela’s only FOUR for God’s sake. If she sees them together and acting like that, all hugs and kisses and whatnot - what is she going to think? ‘Mommy and Daddy are together’. That’s exactly what she’s going to think. Then what’s going to happen if Tyrese has to leave again? Or if they have an argument? That’s going to tear that little girl apart. Apart. But no one seems to think about the child in question when ‘animal instinct’ takes over. ******** ridiculous.
And of course, I try to give my input. Finn tells me Tyrese needs some sense smacked into him - but honestly? They both do. Lillian is just as much an idiot if she let it happen. It’s not like she can blame him for her clothes suddenly disappearing and having absolutely consensual sex. But instead of listening, he tells me that “we have no idea what either of them went through” and about Lillian being a young mom. My mom was 19 when she became pregnant with me… And I like to think I actually came out a good person. I have a husband, an incoming child (<3), a house, I own a bar, and even a pet. And we still keep food on the table. I like to think that even though my mom was 20 when she had me, that they turned out really good. And they were just like Finn and I, not really any money to our names, but still helped out here and there before we kicked off on our feet. Unlike Lillian, hell, I’m sure Sela had the dream life. I’m sure she still has the dream life. And then… That’s when he told me I should go visit my parents.
Alone. Without him. Didn’t even ask me…
Just out of the blue…
Yet he can’t see how that hurt me so much… The instant he saw me get snippy, its like he wanted me gone as quick as possible… My heart still hurts just thinking about those words coming out of his mouth… My parents live four hours away, and he didn’t even offer to come with… Just… As soon as I said something bad about Tyrese and Lillian - out the door for me… So I went upstairs and packed, and I called Jacob to come pick me up… What was I supposed to do? Take my pregnant self and drive the motorcycle four hours? There’s no way a taxi service would come pick me up and drive me that long… And it’s not like my parents would come pick me up and bring me all the way back there. That’s an 8 hour drive. And they’d for sure ask why Finn wasn’t coming along too. It’s like I can't talk to him anymore without him interrupting in the middle and defending who I’m talking about… I know he’s taken off those last few days lately to come for me… I really appreciate it… But it’s just a few hours here and there - nothing that a manager could really get in trouble for… Not of they were to tell the owner their wife was pregnant and has had hormonal problems lately… I just… I wish he would understand there isn’t Tyrese or Bree… It’s Tyrese and Bree… We’re all one big family… We can’t be this separated, two-part thing anymore...
So Jacob picked me up and dropped me at the hotel… There’s no way I’m going to Mom and Dad like this. Not as a big, teary mess with a screwed up duffel bag. I couldn’t even walk straight…. What was I going to tell them? So now I’m sitting in one of the highest rooms in Saisons de Amour. I slept for a while, I swam for a while, I cried for… God knows how long. And I’m about to sleep again… I haven’t heard from Jacob, or Skylar… Or Finn.. And Tyrese texted the both of us for dinner… But there’s no way I’d say anything back.. Not now… I barely even remember getting the text. I’m sure I looked absolutely insane when some lady asked me if she could help me find something… And I called Mom and Dad after all. I figured I’d tell them I’m pregnant when they actually get here. I guess I’ll just see what happens tomorrow morning…
I miss you Finn...
heart Aubrey Teagan heart
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Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2014 12:33 am
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
I’M GONNA KILL HIM.
I’M GOING TO SEX HIM UP SO GOOD AND SMOTHER HIM WITH LOVE.
AND THEN I’M GOING TO KILL HIM.
I had one of the most wonderful nights of my life! <3 It all started with a buzz from Finn - who actually texted me this morning! Oh I was so excited. I was afraid he was still frustrated with me, but I was so dang excited. Well! Turns out, my parents had actually come early in the day and stopped by our house first. I’m not entirely sure why… But I’m positive Mom wouldn’t let Dad lay a single finger on him. Not unless he said something stupid. But! He didn’t have any marks on his body or face ni- BALLS. AND I’M NOT EVEN THROUGH MY FIRST THOUGHTS. EH-HEM. Well then. I’ll assume he’s fine for now. Anyway! He told Mom and Dad that I was pregnant and Mom was so happy she cried! I can’t say I didn’t cry too… But I deserve it! I have a living, breathing, baby inside of me! I’m so excited for you baby. And if you ever just happen to stumble on this - for whatever Godforsaken reason - then I want you to know I love you so, so very much. You’re not even 6 weeks old. Can you believe that? Not even six weeks and your Daddy and I love you so gosh darn much. It’s like loving a little bean to the point that you can’t even help it!
So when Finn texted me, he actually wanted to ask me to the Fall Ball. The Fall Ball! A real date for the first time in a while! Actually, I’m pretty sure our last formal date was around our anniversary, which was a few months ago. But still! I may not like getting all dressy, but I know it makes Finn smile and get all uppity up if you know what I me- DAMN IT. Son of a flipping.. WHY?! Why pen? Why you gotta be like this? Gruh. Now cut it out. I’m not done! Finn asked me to go to the ball with him, THEN he told my parents, THEN my parents came over. There we go. Mom even did my nails into french tips, just for tonight! And she promised not to come. Mainly it was Dad that persuaded her not to, which, now that I think about it, I am so happy he didn’t let her. Because when I got there? I couldn’t find Finn. I had no idea where he was or what he was going to do… So instead, I spotted Tyrese at the bar. I may not remember who Lillian is, or if she was even there, but I voted for them… They may not have gotten a place in the vote, but hey! At least my vote was in there for them! Well, anyway, I went ahead and talked wandered over to Tyrese and actually persuaded a dance out of him. It was surprising! He didn’t try to get out of it… And on top of that, he didn’t really look all huffy or like he was trying to get away. It was really, really nice.
Not to mention his attempt at a valley-girl accent.
BUT I’LL NEVER TELL!
Well… I might tell Finn. But I’ll never REALLY tell.
(Or maybe it’ll just be our little secret~.)
So Tyrese and I danced and talked for a little bit. Sela apparently has a demon possessing her…? That’s really scary. But Tyrese looked really calm about it. So I guess it’s okay… But I wish there was something that could be done about that. Is Lillian a demon or something? Or…? Bleh. Whatever. Tonight was our night. Not theirs! Because right in the middle of the dance, we heard someone talking. And the next thing I know, there’s a freaking spotlight on me and Finn is up on stage! Talking into the damn microphone like he was in charge of the entire ball! Dear God my heart was pounding in my chest. He comes up telling me the sweetest things… Everything I wanted to hear, perfectly wrapped into that one scene.. Finally, he bent down on one knee and said, ”Mrs. Aubrey Teagan, would you do me the honor of being my wife again?” I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my throat! I couldn’t stop crying and smiling and… And I wanted to hit him so bad for doing this in public! But at the same time, I just… I couldn’t handle it. I threw myself straight into him and told him just how much I missed him and how sorry I was. And I was sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I wanted him to stay away from Tyrese forever. It’s just… I don’t take back what I said in my last diary entry. It’s true. I think they both need to wake up and smell the damn roses. But that’s not my problem - Finn is my problem… Pfft. I shouldn’t say problem. He’s the love of my life and my partner in crime.
Though I relent that ‘sidekick’ comment. I’ll get him back somehow. >:3
After that we went upstairs to the hotel room and- WHAT. I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL IT WITHOUT RUNNING OFF THE PAGE?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Screw it. I’m done. You know the rest, diary. Let’s just say he left his- NOPE.
FORGET IT.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart
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Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2015 7:17 pm
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
The funny part is… Neither of us even realized it was the next day.
It took us forever to realize we fell asleep and it was just some unGodly hour that we both woke up at. Ha! Who would’ve guessed? Then again, it isn’t hard to realize when you look at your damn phone. Which… I didn’t do. Pfft. Yay me! Everything was back to normal, we were just in a hotel room is all. Of course, the morning everything is back to normal, the baby decides to be back to normal as well. Hurl! Right into the toilet. Several times. But I couldn’t help but have a smile on my face as it happened. Just to know a little us is in there! Squeeee~!
Everything was perfect. He even ordered room service for breakfast!
Also, remind me to kick his a** for calling me Preggo.
Anyway, we stayed in bed a while, and even Tyrese texted me for a bit. He had to end up doing stock today. It sucks, but hey, I can’t do jack s**t about that! That’s the truth. So he got the bike while I checked out for us… Of course, he wanted the next day with Tyrese - I’m kind of hoping Tyrese hits him just for that. =w= I just got him back, but whatever! I have my whole life with him. A whole life full of amazing… Laughter. Ha. Take that one. Can’t make me scratch off the page this time, diary!
So we went home and Finn went to work not too long after that. Tyrese kept me company over text while Dime settled in my lap. Sweet boy~. He missed me, I just know it. I used to have my doubts about that cat, y’know. I used to think he didn’t like me one bit. But the more I looked at him and the more he came around, I guess I just realized that he knew me just as much as he knows Finn. After all, we met the exact same day he got Dime. The only difference is that he got to sleep with my lover. Lucky b*****d. We kept like that for a while before I decided to get up and do some cleaning. Mainly laundry. We’ve both been so busy that there were clothes practically piling the bathroom floor and closet. Not to mention.. My uh… My undergarments needed a good wash.
Hn.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2015 1:49 pm
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
EY.
DON’T COME WAKING ME UP IN MY OWN HOUSE JUST BECAUSE YOU WANNA INVITE YOUR LOVER OVER. D:<
I’ve got your baby in me, you b*****d!
Men. I swear. It’s all about the p***s.
Though there are perks to having boobs! Behehehe.
Well, Finn decided to wake my a** up today. Somehow we fell asleep on the couch without even bothering to go upstairs. But hey, that’s fine with me! All snuggled up on top of a handsome, warm body. What’s wrong with that? I may not have gotten my hardcore sex yesterday, but I could tell he was pretty damn worn out by the time he got home. It’s not like him to work an afternoon to night shift for a few hours. Usually mornings are his thing - and my weakness. Which is why, starting sometime this week, I’ll be getting up with him and going to the bar during mornings rather than nights. He seems really worried about me staying up late and not getting my proper amount of sleep. And with this morning sickness… It’s probably for the better that I stay awake after getting sick instead of going back to sleep. After all, I’m awake anyway, right~? Why not keep it that way? And then when I get my temporary bartender on hand, I can just come in as I please. Maybe a manager too… I could definitely get away with it with the money and all. And it’s not any different in losing money. Bartender’s only get paid 3.50 an hour plus tips, so I don’t have much to worry about - considering the Starfish gets some damn good tips. We’re really the only bar in town.
Am I right? Tee-hee!
Anyway, I didn’t see Theodor or Freya today, which was a little odd… But hey, I only make them come in 4 times a week. Who knows? Maybe I didn’t schedule them for some reason.
There’s really nothing else to talk about.
One short and pointless diary. T^T
heart Aubrey Teagan heart
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Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2015 2:35 pm
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
For once, I actually woke up early. Who knew I was capable of doing something like that? And then?! And then?! I even GOT OUT OF BED. THAT’S RIGHT. THIS LITTLE WOMAN GOT OUT OF BED WITHOUT HAVING TO EITHER THROW UP OR FALL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. Go freaking me. I was the best… Around! And no one else can- All right, you get the point. Since Finn seemed so keen on getting me out of the house and I had to go check on the bar anyway - I skedaddled my a** out the front door without hesitation. I’d rather wake up on my own accord then have someone sit there and shoo me out without letting me get up and do my thaaang. So I crawled on into the shower and left him a note. Surprisingly, it was super nice out for a change. Instead of the usual “freeze my tits off”, I actually got some warmth and sunshine on my pale a** legs. It was a happy difference to take that… Horrible nightmare off my mind.
-insert unhappy shudder here-
I got to the bar just in time to see Theodor there with some cat-looking chick. Which, as I hoped years ago on another girl, I can only hope to God they’re real. I don’t understand people that enjoy just wearing cat ears or a tail around all day long. Halloween? Fine. Cosplaying? Fine. Thinks their an animal…? That’s a totally different story. I remember when I was younger, I was out on the playground, right? Well, I look over past the monkey bars just in time to see some chick licking her palm and sliding it back on the top of her head. It’s like she thought she wa grooming herself. Can you imagine how gross her hair might have smelled if she was rubbing the back of her tongue against her hand? I mean, s**t! There’s a freaking sink in the bathroom. At least go hide yourself away from the public while you’re doing that! Of course, being 8, I don’t think I really understood what was even happening in that moment. It was just strange all together. ANYWAY. He was quick to get to work and trying to avoid me until I managed to snatch him at the front door when he was off to say goodbye to Maaaddiiiiii. I wonder if it’s Madi, or if it’s short for something. Maybe Madison. Or that little French character. Madeleine~~~~..... Oh wait. That’s ‘Made’. So maybe not. >->
Today turned out to just be a Mimosa day for most customers coming in. But what do you expect? Sunday brunch people are always Mimosa people. Well, Bloody Mary people too - but mostly Mimosas. It was just an ordinary re-stock and clean up day. I’m shocked most of my customers even finished the conversations with me. Most regulars seemed a little disappointed (weird) yet happy I was pregnant! So happy for me. Which is great! Maybe if I’m lucky, that’ll be some extra tip right there. Beh-heh-heh… Well, until I can’t walk around. I’ll have to freaking waddle. And I have no idea what my Mom’s pregnancy was like - so I’m sorta s**t out of luck when it comes to ‘experience’. Gruh. >:C
I got home to the smell of paint. LOTS of paint. It smelled like a new house in a way. A lot of it reminded me of the first time I painted our house. Of course, that was mainly just the living room, kitchen, and my office, but still - it was a lot of paint! You get sick of the crap. But here’s the thing. Finn doesn’t paint. He plays video games and bass guitar. So what in the world would he be painting for? And when I asked him what he was doing? He acted like a fidgeting idiot in front of my office door. I was worried he might’ve spilt paint on my laptop or something. =w= Nothing special on there that can’t be retrieved, but helllll no I don’t want people spilling stuff on my laptop! Or anything for that matter! My mom managed to slap a giant cup of Dr. Pepper all over me once at a wing bar. Thank God we were sitting outside. But regardless, it was embarrassing to scoot away from the table and lounge in the stupid sun until I got sticky. Luckily for me, that was not the case! Turns out, my loving husband had taken me out of the house for two days because he was setting up… A… Da-da-da-da!
Nursery!
Oh it was just the sweetest sight. Not a great thing that I dropped my monster in the hall right outside the room…. >-> But I couldn’t help it! I was shocked! (The room was a little… Too girly for my taste, but who WOULDN’T love their husband over something so loving and thoughtful?) Oh I just HAD to repay him back.
If you get what I mean.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart
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Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2015 2:38 pm
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Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2015 5:10 am
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
Sorry I’ve been away diary. I got sent to the hospital on Monday and was just so irked I didn’t even want to bother on Tuesday.
Not to mention I fell asleep downstairs next to Tyrese anyway.
So let me just start off with this:
Lillian is one of the worst people I have ever met. By far. There is no amount of hatred that can compare to her. Most people I would feel sorry for. She is not - and will never be - one of them. She absolutely disgusts me. There is no excuse for the spoiled brat the world created her as; if it even created her. I don’t care if she’s a demon, or whatever the hell she thinks of herself. I’m pretty sure even hell itself wouldn’t want that atrocity living with them. The saddest part? I actually wanted to know her. And now that I got that off my chest, you’ll see why:
I had actually just gotten home from visiting my parents for the last week and a half. It’s nice! All things considering they only live about 3 or 4 hours away from us anyway. I had (disgusting) tea every mooorniing… And some big a** home cooked meals. My mom took care of me as if I couldn’t get up for the day because I was so pregnant. It’s really funny. She would come in every morning before I even woke up so extremely overjoyed with herself; even though she knows I hate tea. ”Here babygirl! Try this one! It's Mama's favorite mix~.” Hurl. She’s known that for years that I don’t like tea, yet insists on shoving a hot mug in my lap! So after my dad took me home, I walk on through the front door feeling pretty good and relaxed. Of course, there’s Finn lounged out on the couch all prepped and ready for work early as hell. ”How was your parents”... The entire greeting itself was just sort of a “Hi. Missed ya. Love ya. Bye.” No love, man. Well, since i figured I’d have the whole cold, rainy day alone on my hands, I’d climb on up to the nursery and put a little speck of color within the Brave New World room. Get it? Well, if you don’t, in the book they weren’t allowed to really know colors. Every time a baby reached for a colorful item, they got zapped. Anyway, I pulled out my pastels and canvas from our bedroom and settled it on the the floor in front of the chair that used to go into my office. To be honest with you, I’m slowly going to migrate things into that room. One things for sure, that stupid sheer thing above the cradle is coming down. I’m not even sure where he was going with that - much less if we’re going to have a baby girl. What are we going to tell our son when he gets older and sees the pictures I took of when Finn first finished it? “Oh! Yeah! Even though we didn’t know, we were secretly hoping for a girl. Too bad we got you. Whomp.” =w=
Shockingly, I could hear someone knocking at the door past the loud news he left on before he left. I’m not sure if he thought I was going to watch it or not.. But considering I just got back from a vacation, I’d rather not look around to see what terrible weather is in for us. And guess who just so happens to be at the door? The very wolf I thought didn’t even slightly like me! Tyrese, of course, with a big ‘ol box in his arms that I… Still haven’t opened. Damn it. He came on in, asked how my trip was (like a real gentleman), and I even got him to laugh at my mom’s tea crap. Before I knew it, he was going on about how absolutely perfect I am yes, I know for a business venture. I thought I’d be hit on, but hey, you can’t win ‘em all. Besides, that’ll come later. Needless to say, I was shocked at exactly what he was talking about. Get this, he wants to run a bed and breakfast! Since he was SEVEN. It was so weird hearing it come out of his mouth. But it was one of those things where you can’t help but agree that it would be the perfect fit. After all, he seems perfect for it now, especially if he wants to gain more social skills in the process. Which, by the way, he’s doing really good at that compared to high school. I most certainly think I’d never see him smile. I mean, hell, the guy practically avoided me in high school any time he came around. We just had that mutual understanding for each other. When Finn went to hang out with him, I disappeared. And when I came around, he’d be on his way. Maybe that’s why I always thought he didn’t like me. Because even that small conversation we had, it was like he was a little more eager to get away. Not quite because he disliked me, but more for the fact that he didn’t really know me besides if Finn ever said anything about us. So we hitched on up and headed out the door! Again, I didn’t really have anything to do. Finn was at work, and I’m sure Dime went with him as usual, so there was nothing to do but lounge around and watch TV. Well, in retrospect I could’ve gone grocery shopping, since there was absolutely nothing left in the fridge… Another thing I need to do.
Off we went! Just Tyrese and Bree. Two friends against the world! Okay, not entirely the world, but close enough. I mean, I’m pretty sure I came close to dying (inside and out) later that day. (I hate Lillian.) <- But again, that stuff will come later.
First we stopped at The Cat’s Meow. Tyrese offered to take me anywhere I wanted to since I was going out and about with him. My first want, as I’ve been craving since I was about 19, was to look at lizards. My cousin had a leopard gecko that was just the sweetest thing. And ever since then, I’ve kind of been leaning on the thought of getting my own. Really, I kind of want a dog, but the last thing I need is for it to go barking all over the place. I don’t need to be taking care of four babies in the house. *cough* Finn. *cough* Dime. *cough* Dog. *cough* Baby. *cough* Oh well, maybe later years will come and I’ll think about it some more. The animals themselves were absolutely adorable. Ferrets, cats, dogs, birds, any and everything lined up in that shop - even some fluttering or walking around. Funny enough, all the dogs started flipping their s**t when Tyrese happened to walk around, so we pretty much steered clear of them after a little while. Long story short, I got a leopard gecko named Alistair and Tyrese got a ferret named Bach. I have to admit though, it’s HILARIOUS to watch Tyrese squirm when I tried to put Alistair on him. He gets all antsy and tries to duck away. Finn would probably stare back at it and say something like, “Why is he looking at me like that?”
The day was turning out pretty fun. It’s like talking to a more chatty Jacob. Tyrese just kinda… I dunno, it’s like he gets me. We’ve always had that mutual respect for each other. But with me wanting him to be the Godfather of my kid, I’m hoping that maybe we can take that extra step and grow closer. I know him and Finn are best friends - though they’ve been a little rocky lately -, but I want him to know that we’re both here. Not just Finn. Seeing him crying on the beach alone those few weeks ago was just… So heart wrenching. He’s one of those guys that I feel the need to reach out to; to tell him that he’s going to be okay. But… Maybe that’s just my maternal instincts talking through my pregnancy. I’m just more protective over my family - and he is family.
Y’know, now that I think about it, he did get a little fidgety. It wasn’t too long after I told him I’d give up my job all over again. I’ve done it once… And if I have to, I’ll do it again. He seemed to really take that to heart. He told me he was willing to do everything it would take to get his family back on track. That included him, Sela, and the b***h. (I’m sorry. I just really cannot stress how much I hate her.) “Hate is a strong word”, my a**… You should see the vocab trickling through my mind about her right now. And to think back on it, it must have been terrifying for him to find out about Sela. To have a daughter you didn’t even know existed until she’s already two. It only brings me back to my other diary about the bullshit of not finding each other - but whatever. It takes one f*cking phone call, people. I know if Finn and I had been in that situation, I would have made every effort to tell him he had a child. Not to have him come running back (though it would be nice), but to just make sure that he knows.
I’ll keep my mouth shut over that for now.
Finn texted me for lunch, but hey, you snooze you lose. He could have asked me that morning. At least offered while leaving me dirty dishes and an on television.Whatever!
It wasn’t long before he had to go pick up Sela. So, leaving me in the car with a bag from Mickey C’s, he left into whore face’s (<- I’m getting to it!) house. I was so excited to see the little girl. The first time I met her, she was so shy, but I’m kind of hoping she’ll warm up to me real quick. I’m sure it won’t be a problem considering the a** ton of movies and sour candy we have sitting back at our place. Not to mention, it’s only a few houses down and around the corner. (Lucky me. I have the grand enjoyment of living next to the mighty C*ntbag herself.) Except… Tyrese wasn’t coming out. I guess she got there first because he held his hand out of the door to tell me to wait a second. I didn’t really think anything of - I had my milkshake and was pretty damn content. Eh. It wasn’t until he got back in the car (without Sela) and told me exactly what she said that things turned into a nightmare. He got real quiet… And he just kept looking… I don’t know. That sort of far off distance look where you know something is wrong - but you’re almost too scared to ask because the opposite might snap your head off. So I took a chance. The answer, however, was nothing I would have EVER expected. Not coming from his mouth. It was something I didn’t think would ever happen to Tyrese in his lifetime. But when I think back on it, I’m almost wondering if it was bound to happen.
Lillian: The mother of his child, the “love of his life”, his “soul mate”, (Even if Koizora didn’t stamp them as such.), the woman he promised to marry not a week after seeing her again, and the girl he spent almost every waking moment on… Cheated on him.
So not only did this woman, this hag, this utter wench allow Tyrese to make love to her, to feel her like no other man could, to let him make solid promises of a future with no reason for “abandonment”, but she took that and threw it out like yesterday’s trash. Not a care in the world, just decided to let another man violate her with complete consent in all sense of the word. Now let me get this straight. You guys date a couple years in high school. Right? Fine. Fine! But when the man you said you fell in love with and still loved comes back to you on his hands and knees, begging your forgiveness because you believe in every fiber of your being that he up and left you for no reason tells you that he’s willing to sacrifice any and every part of his life within a week of seeing you again? Without so much as an accusation of how you didn’t come to find him either? And you decide to say “Hey! ******** this guy! I’m out.”? That makes you a horrible person. Beyond horrible. No one has pity in you. No one thinks you had a “right” to do it. I don’t care how long he was gone. Even that, Sela is only two. She’s two! She won’t remember this by the time she reaches the age of five.
**An added note before I go on: No one, and I mean no one, ******** with my family.
I had had it with this woman. She has obviously been absolutely nothing but ready to betray him ever since Tyrese saw her again. She accuses him of things he’s not even responsible for, makes him pick up the pieces of her own mess, and expects him to come running after her like some sort of prize on a pedestal that will be gone if he doesn’t take his chance.
So. I hit her. I marched up right to the door and punched her right in the jaw. And let me tell you - it felt GREAT. Do I feel bad for hitting her? No. Not at all. If I had the chance, I’d do it again. I would still make sure she could feel that sour sting in her face and mind when I spat those words to her. I don’t regret what I said or hitting her. What I do regret is letting myself be vulnerable. I’m sorry for putting mine and my baby’s life at risk in front of her like that. But who would have known about it? Who would have been able to tell me, “Oh yeah, by the way, you’re going to get into a fight with a blonde named Lillian - she’s has unknown powers. Just FYI.” It would have made sense for me to put Jacob’s necklace on, considering it might have protected me from what she did next. I called her out on it. And what does she do? Grabs me by the throat and lifts me into the air while pushing some sort of clawed force into my throat. Funny enough, jokes on her. I don’t need air to breathe for several hours. Not only that? But proceeds in threatening the life of my child like it’s a joke to her. At this point, I am ragingly angry. This woman very well obviously has no respect for a human life. Did I threaten to kill her? No. Did I threaten Sela? Of course not. But that’s my softer side. Every part of me ached to grasp my hands around her throat and shake her senseless until she came back to having a soul. She goes on and on about bullshit on her life. It’s not about her. Does she not realize that? Does she not realize how much pain she was going to be throwing into her daughter’s face? Only a few weeks ago I was writing that in this diary - terrified that something would happen between the two of them and Sela would be sorely disappointed. She would be hurt and lost, thinking, “They were fine just a day ago.” And what would they say? “Mommy broke Daddy’s heart”. You can’t very well urge a child to one side or the other. It’s just…
That was when I could hear Tyrese yelling. Just barely, but it was there. I get it Tyrese. I know. I’m sorry… But I can’t let her do this to you. I can’t sit here and watch a personal family member be ripped to shreds by a heartless monster without putting my foot down somewhere. He told her that if she put me down, he’d take me home and they would talk. I knew he wanted to defend me. It wasn’t like he could do anything in the situation. I knew that every fiber of his being was trying to keep the both of us safe - even if either one of us might not have deserved his respect by then. More so her than me; I still think I was in the right. The thing is - she did put me down.
About 20 feet away on solid concrete.
That’s right, ladies and gentleman. As if she couldn’t get any worse, she threw me and my “unborn child” twenty feet across her lawn and onto the sidewalk. I just remember an ear splitting crack and squinting over and over. I don’t know if it was the rain getting into my eyes or the tears from the pain in my abdomen - but it hurt… Everything hurt so much… Why she didn’t kill me, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because she’s hoping somewhere in her heart that if she showed mercy to me, that Tyrese would take her back. He would thank her for not ending me. Yet another selfish tactic to wash away any wrong doing. Regardless, I could just barely make the next speech lines out of the rain; yet I remember the conversation perfectly. She went on to say how these “mistakes” make their relationship stronger. That even though they didn’t switch bodies in Koizora like I reminded her, that Tyrese was the perfect one for her. And I’ll tell you, word for word, what I said to her face. I don’t know if you’ll agree with me, diary, but I think the truth is held in every fragment of this sentence. There’s no sense in ruining a relationship just to see you both come out stronger in the end. To throw yourself into trials and tribulations that aren’t even necessary whatsoever is an absolutely ridiculous concept.
Because newsflash Lillian, no one likes a Mary Sue.
There’s a reason everyone can predict every move they make and end up huffing and rolling their eyes at every decision.
”Ruining a relationship on your own accord doesn’t make it stronger. Whether it be alcohol, being half asleep, or just forgetting. You can’t just sleep with another man and tell yourself it makes it ‘stronger’. This isn’t a soap opera. You utterly abandoned your family for one stupid night with another man. To have another man penetrate your areas only your special someone could. ANd after getting your child’s father back. There’s nothing you could even try saying. Selfish.”
Because there’s not. The very day I met Finn and fell in love with him, he told me he had sex with another woman. Janette. Yet even though I knew by no means did he know he was going to meet me later that day and we would switch bodies - I still felt that resentment. It was knowing he made love to another woman. Even if it was meaningless sex. It was hard for me… But maybe that’s because I was a virgin. Eighteen and a virgin that had met and fallen for my soul mate in the same day I met him. It was hard knowing that he so easily readied himself onto that other woman without a care in the world. Maybe it was because he already knew he wouldn’t stay with her. But at that same time, I always wonder what she was thinking. Regardless, I ended up never meeting her. She just sort of… DIsappeared I guess. Finn never talked about her anywhere, so I’m guessing she just… “Poofed”.
^^ And to think. All of that happened on Monday. ^^
Now we move on to Tuesday: Halloween.
What I remembered next after that was the pain and agony going through my rib. Bright hospital lights lingering overhead and constant whispers in my ear. All I can remember is thinking, “I’m dead. My baby and I are dead. And the last thing I told Finn was a tease through a text.” And, “If I’m not dead, then surely someone is…” I sank really low that day. I hardly remember sitting there on that bed for so long until Tyrese came in… Everything was numb. If anything, I just… I don’t remember it. It was like I clocked out, watching the scenery around me play without myself actually there. All the panic and terror built up - gone. Nothing. I couldn’t even feel the pain in my ribs. (Apparently I had broken one and bruised a few others.) It was just… I don’t really know how to explain it. I could just barely hear the echo of Tyrese apologizing… And then Finn coming in and… I still don’t remember. I think… I think he said that our baby is strong, like me. That it would survive through all of this… And that we would come out fine on the other side… But I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. I couldn’t sit here and think our baby was fine. All I could see was that mushy dirt and grass bending to frantic raindrops until I hit the ground.
Low and behold, the last person I ever wanted to see came through that door with the shittest apology I had ever heard in my life. Though I may only remember I faint echo of it, I just could not believe the nerve she had to come to me not 12 hours after and apologize. What did she want to apologize for? Because what she did was wrong? I know she doesn’t believe that. She wanted “points”. She wanted to make sure those around her gave her sympathy and pity as if she had lost control of whatever the hell she was. It’s complete and utter bullshit. We’re not 12. We’re not even in high school anymore. Everything swiveled and turned into slow motion with Finn stomping by the bed - straight for her. He reared his hand back and I finally came to my senses, trying to get off the bed just to stop him. I should have told him. I should have let him know. But why, WHY would she come here? Why would she even bother? Because what? Because Tyrese was there? So she could peer her head in like a meerkat and let him know that she was okay without having to say anything? To see him go after her as if she were some wounded animal? Well, if my punch didn’t hurt, I’m almost positive Finn’s did. I hit the ground on my hands and knees - the jolt itself felt like that rib came rocketing back out towards the surface of my skin. I can’t even describe the kind of pain I felt. But of course, that didn’t stop. Just like she wanted, I guess, Tyrese went after her and Finn hit the machinery behind him… Which only tore the IVs right out of my skin. Every needle the nurse’s pumped into me ripped out of their sockets and left me screaming.
I don’t know what happened after that. Because everything went black.
What I DO remember… Is Finn telling me our baby was alive. ALIVE. Can you believe it?! All the tumbling, falling, bruising, breaking… And he/she is still alive. I couldn’t believe it. Alive. As if absolutely nothing had happened to it. A blessing in itself that I just couldn’t get over. I remember crying… Just sitting there and crying with joy. Thinking that we still had a chance. We still had that chance to build our own family from the ground up like we had been planning to for the past few weeks. With the nursery… The pregnancy tests… The supplements the doctor provided me… All of the hard work we had been doing… To know that it wouldn’t have been for nothing. I was hysterical. Happy beyond belief.
Until I mentioned Lillian.
I told him the story. I told him how I hit her first. I told him how she threw me, how she threatened our child, and why I did it all. He… He went on to tell me how he’s furious with me. How it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. Then has the nerve to ask me if we can just move on with it and go to the Halloween festival like nothing happened. What the ******** do you think? How is him punching her any different from me? Because I have a child in me? Because I’m a woman and more fragile by genetics? Because he can “take a hit”? Not two minutes before I blacked out he threw himself at her and didn’t know the story. He didn’t even know if she was the one that did this to me - yet he goes “half cocked” and hits her across the face just like I did. And tells me I’m in the wrong. Because in Finn’s mind:
Punching a woman across the face for cheating = Picking her up by the throat, threatening the life of the woman and woman’s unborn child, throwing them across the lawn on to a sidewalk, and almost killing her.
Because that makes sense. An eye for an entire body, right? If you cut someone else’s finger off, obviously you should have all of your arms and legs cut off. I told him to go by himself. I told him that I’d rather sit here with my “dumbass self” and ponder about my “idiotic antics” while praise the fact that our CHILD is alive. Not be an absolute hypocrite. If we shouldn’t be getting into other people’s business, then why did you try to hide Tyrese’s daughter from him? Hm? How did he even know about her in the first place unless he had spoken to the slut before? She’s not famous. She’s not some rockstar that appears on the news all the time. If she “gave it all up” like she claimed, then there wouldn’t be anything about her that he should know about. Much less an entire ******** documentary on her daughter. So, excuse me. But unlike her, I don’t abandon my family.
The sad part is, he left.
He went to the festival and told me to call him when I was ready.
Without me even knowing where my phone was.
Or if it was even on. Nothing. No way to get home.
While he went 45 minutes or so away to a Halloween festival; my favorite holiday of the year.
Well, I did the only thing that I could do at that point. I walked. I walked for several hours on the way home from the hospital in Uptown Soleil, through Lumiere, through Doux, and finally into Pasadena. The hospital is about a 10 or 15 minute drive - which I'm hoping to God doesn't mean I actually walked 10 to 15 miles. I know it took a long time. And luckily, I wasn't alone. Just as I was heading into Doux, a little blue haired girl came toddling on up to me. I had to take a break since I had to walk barefoot. I didn't have a change of clothes and was sort of wearing my dirt and mud covered dress. The heels were making my rib hurt, and there was no way I could even take three feet without having to pull them off and stuffing them into the purse that I found in the corner of the room. Apparently Tyrese brought it in from... Wherever I left it. I guess in his car since I know I didn't take it to assface’s. Have I mentioned how much I hate her? Because I do. And I have even better reasons here in a bit when we get to when I got home. Anyway, Tyrese had been out with Sela trick or treating. She looked absolutely precious in her little monster costume. I have no idea if it was from something… But it was adorable nonetheless. And of course, being the real gentleman he is, he wouldn’t let me walk home alone. Sela, however, had other plans. For whatever reason, she started wandering off towards the beach.
Reluctantly, and in pain, I followed, Tyrese right behind me. It was nice to actually have a conversation without someone scolding me… He began to tell me the same thing as Finn - that I shouldn’t go in with that much anger… But there was something else he said that cut it right off. That and he didn’t say it like Finn did.
I should have been with a woman like you.
Do you think… Diary… That in an alternate universe, there may have been that possibility that I ended up with Tyrese? I know it seems wrong of me to think. But it’s just...A thought. It’s not a hope. Or a dream. Though having him there for me, to have someone actually listen and exist soley for me again… It was so refreshing and comforting that I couldn’t help but wonder. He’s been there almost every time Finn and I have a fight. In a sense, he really does remind me a Jacob. Always ready to be there for me when I need it the most. When I came out of the ocean? He was there. He was crying and upset, but he was there. At the Fall Ball? He was there. He danced with me until I heard Finn up on the stage. When I got back from my trip… He was there. He even asked to hear about it; laughing at little details to show he was really listening. And when I was walking home from the hospital barefoot and broken? He was there again. Is it a simple repayment for everything I had done? Coincidence? Or is there a sliver of fate that left us to constantly be there for one another? Even if we aren’t soul mates, could we have been in an alternate place? In a world far from here? It’s weird… When you really think about it. We connect on an unfamiliar axis plane. There was a point in the house where everything just felt like we were glued together through the abandonment of our lovers; crossed into a new hybrid.
Finally, after catching Sela from trying to run away, we made it back to the house. It had only taken two or three hours. Only. And when I got there? The last thing I wanted to do was think. I dropped my bag and let Tyrese do what he wanted - make food for Sela, him, and myself. I wasn’t hungry, that was for sure. The mellow my body had identified itself with had diminished any other part of my appetite. And I was soon to find that out whenever I came across the plate. But, just like a few hours before this diary, I knew I had to eat. But I went upstairs to take a bath first. I hadn’t for almost an entire 48 hours and was just… Covered from head to toe with bits of blood, bruises, mud, grass stains, and grime. It wasn’t long before I realized I needed Tyrese’s help with my bandaging. Once again, the disappearance of a husband left me with no other option. I either had to do them myself and cause more pain, or I needed Tyrese to help me in my half naked state. And I went with the ladder of the two. Was I doing it to betray Finn? Absolutely not. There was nothing telling me to spite him in my time of desperation. Anything that happened would be his own fault for driving off to the festival. He couldn’t just assume I could call him and get home. I had only just managed to escape the grasp of tiny children’s hands by holding close to Tyrese’s side the entire walk home. It wasn’t my intent to throw myself at Tyrese in vengeance… It was a simple use of what was around me. Or, at least I thought so.
He helped me without so much as a hesitating glance; even if I was sitting at the top of the stairs in nothing but my underwear and a towel. It wasn’t as if I could do it on top of a bra… The lining would curve too hard into my bruise and constantly cause me pain. We made it up to the bedroom so Sela wouldn’t see her father “handling” a naked woman. I figured it would be for the best if we heard her clambering up the stairs so I could at least throw the towel back over myself while he came to her. But… The funny thing is, at the beginning of wrapping the gauze around me, he only continuously comforted me about Finn. Throughout the entire past days he only kept telling me that Finn would turn around. That Finn would come back to his senses and realize that he left me here to defend for myself. That Finn was an idiot for leaving me alone. Through all of his pain and misery… His emotional turmoil, he was still trying to comfort me in as many ways as possible without making it seem as if I was his and his alone in this world. That in reality, maybe we were the ones married and our friends had been screwing us over. And it almost made it true… When he kissed the corner of my mouth.
Still now I don’t know what to think except that maybe he was emotionally confused. Maybe… Because I had been there so often, that when he told me that he needed a girl like me, he, in reality meant someone loyal and comforting. Someone that wouldn’t go behind his back and pull a stupid stunt like this over and over. Someone that wouldn’t kill him both inside and out and crush his heart after peeling it harshly from his chest. Even touching the corner of my lips, I can feel it. It’s… Weird in its own way. Comforting in its own way. And confusing in its own way. Whether it was an expression of gratitude, or a moment lost in his own translation, it left me speechless with nothing to offer but a lunge and a hug around his head. I wasn’t angry... I’m still not. Will I ever tell Finn about this? Absolutely not. There’s no reason for me to… It was something that happened. A mistake? Maybe on Tyrese’s part - but even then, I don’t see it as one. I just… See it as it is. In a way… It opened myself up to how I truly feel about Tyrese.
That maybe in that alternate universe, we would be happy together. But in this one… I believed it in every part of me that I was he was here on this bed for a reason. I know Finn tells me not to get into his business. I know he’s technically “Finn’s best friend”... But all I can think even now is, “I’m here for you.” Right as I did so, he pushed my shoulders away before breaking down into my lap. I had never seen Tyrese cry to that extent… The time on the beach… That was different. It was the ending to a teary night. But this, these were fresh tears that had been begging to come since he came out of her door, stumbling along the sidewalk and pacing in front of the car door. I’ve seen Finn cry before. I’ve seen men cry… I’ve seen my dad get achingly teary eyed at the news of one of his closest friends dying in a car crash… And maybe when him and my mom retired to her room, he cried just like this. Like a child unable to contain himself. In this universe… For him, I am a protector. Someone that can adore and cherish him through his needs and sense his inabilities to confide himself in me. But just as I do in him, he opens himself up and allows himself to laugh, to smile, to get angry, and to cry at the best and worst of times in his life. And I will continue to be there for it so long as he always needs that comforting; similar as I am for Finn. There will always be the small indications of my immediate family coming before him - he and I will always understand that; just as I know he put Lillian and Sela before me. But we are one in the same, especially when that one person in our lives pushes us away and together.
Perhaps if the story were different… If I hadn’t stumbled on Finnigan Teagan and fell so absolutely, deeply in love, my heart and soul would belong to him. But in this particular line, he will always hold his own place as a part of me; just as my family, friends, and lover do.
^^ At least… I had made it through Tuesday. ^^
I was long gone before the movie even started; one of my favorites, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. But by the time I had awoken, Tyrese was up and riled to go with a new drink of alcohol in his hand. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t haven’t given it to him, but I did. It’s not as if I’m trying to convert him to alcoholism, but every person needs that one night of release from the world around them. Not to mention, Sela was in safe hands for the time being, until he told me exactly where she was. Not only had Finn come through the door last night without a single word… Either upstairs or through the door, but instead of settling down, telling me he was home, or at least checking on me, but he had taken Sela (who apparently had tried to run away again - I’m starting to think she’s as spoiled as her mother) away from the house. It’s almost as if he assumes and expects me to be there. So when I don’t, only then will he come harping and looking for me. It kills me to think that way… But when this is the third time you’ve seen your husband in a 48 hour time span after getting into a fight, breaking your rib, walking hours home, and having to stay the night with his best friend, you start to wonder if he really means to be there for you. Again and again Tyrese remained to be there for me when he wasn’t. Work was an item I could understand. Even if other people besides him worked there… But leaving to a festival was something I could not.
I was so angry, so… So infuriated and hurt that I couldn’t even get up the stairs right. I had to clamber onto the railing bars in order to get to the top, only climbing on all fours to get into the bedroom and slam the door behind me. Every time it happens, it’s almost as if he just wishes it to go away and expects exactly that to happen. That because he gives me something physical, it will replace any and all absolute s**t I had been through. It isn’t something I can lightly forgive. Whatever had happened at that festival, whatever happened that threw his kne off, or gave him those tiring eyes… He had put himself through that. Even now when I think about the stumbling words he put together about Gin, I become frustrated and irritable - knowing full well that he had just scolded me for getting into someone’s business. I try not to think about it, I do. But calling me a dumbass right after waking up in a hospital room where he had incidentally pulled the needles out of my arm was just… Not a place intiself. Weeks from now, if I healed correctly, then maybe. When I could focus straight and have time to think over it again and again and feel either regret or confidence overwhelm me, then maybe I could properly explain it. But the last thing he needed to do was scold me over and over before walking off to a festival in hopes that I would just call him at a drop of a hat. The irked sensation in itself was strong when he walked through the door this morning with nothing but an “I’m home!” as if I would come to him like a good housewife in my apron and healed body with an excitable smile on my face.
But… A part of me longed for him. Ached for him to be one with me again. It was getting difficult to be ‘one’ when I was so used to being ‘two’. That ‘two’ had been replaced by ‘three’ for the past couple of days… That it made me more scared for my married life than ever. It had been a comfort, but most certainly one that I knew I couldn’t push myself deep into. To feel his caress and lips along my clavicle, peppering along kisses beside my neck and shoulder. Opening that door again… To let him have this last chance was enough to have him pull me into his arms without a doubt in the world that I was there. In the flesh. As broken and battered as he looked - I didn’t care. I just needed that same touch and hold that I had grown used to for the past five years. That same spark along my skin when he kissed my lips and traced his fingers down my side. Just holding his hand was enough jolt of electricity to push me overboard every time we walked along the sidewalk or beach. To most, maybe it would look almost childish - something people did in high school. But to me, it’s more than that. It’s a sign that throughout all these years, I’ve still stayed with him, side by side with nothing but loyalty. With nothing but forgiveness and warmth radiating from my skin.
It was one of the few reasons these past weeks had torn me to pieces. To feel as if those entwined hands were slipping to their last fingertip, even with all the times it felt like we made up. Because it just kept happening… Over and over like a replayed and scratched record. I hated it - I still do. I still have that same mellow feeling that tells me it’s going to happen again soon. That by this time next week, we’ll have thrown down our fourth argument within a little over a month… And at that point, what will I do? Open myself back up and tell him it’s okay, because it’ll just be covered by scar tissue? These haven’t been “minor bumps”... These are things that should have been worked years ago that apparently never were. It was never my intention to bring it down to this… But maybe there’s a part of me in there that wonders what will happen in the months to come. If I’ll still be in Soleil. And if I am… If Finn and I will have worked our differences by then.
I love him with every fiber of my being. But I won’t allow myself to get hurt like this over and over. Through thick and thin… I’ve been there. After graduation, I was still there. When he graduated and went to college after me, I was still there. When his knee blew out and he fell into a depression… I was there. I will always be there so long as I can… But the more the idea pushes on… The more I have to wonder if I “can” be there for so long…
I had thought him telling me he was handed Sucre’s would be happier than this. Since now I would know he would be home all the time. He would be able to grow with both me and the baby. We’d be able to wake up together. To go to sleep together. To finally have home cooked meals… To be the family I set out for us to be. That family that could just look at each other before laughing for no reason whatsoever. I thought by then we would be going out for drinks in his honor while I held my glass up and told everyone around the bar about the greatest man I’ve ever met. About how much I loved him and how he will always be the only one for me. Even now, I know he still is. He’s the only one that can ever do this much to me; mentally, physically, and emotionally. But, he’s also the only one that can tear me down like this… I only hope to God he can build me back up again.
I’ve never once stopped wanting to be a Teagan since I’ve met you.
And even now, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Just please…
Stop making me feel like I'm not your girl anymore...
heart Aubrey Teagan heart
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Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2015 3:15 am
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
I won’t lie…
Finn’s serenade scared the ever living s**t out of me when I woke up.
It was one of the sweetest things he’d done in quite a while, which made waking up that day all the better. I haven’t seen him do something like that since high school. When he would curl up on the bedside or on the floor, playing me awake or sleep - or just to do it in general. He always, always had loved playing that thing... But still, it gave me a practical heart attack when it started out. I’m shocked I didn’t shriek myself awake and throw something at him. Probably wasn’t strong enough… How long has it been since I’ve really eaten again? Three days or something like that. I haven’t eaten a hard meal that would stay down since Monday when I got back with Tyrese. A.K.A. TOO LONG.
I have to say though I completely forgot that Finn was given the store last night. I can’t believe it still - my husband is the owner of Sucre’s; Soleil’s one and only candy shop. That’s got to be a big jump in both financial, mental, and emotionally responsibility for him. Though I’m sure he’ll take it head on like he normally does… And stay home more often than before. I’m so sick and tired of having him leave first thing in the morning when he didn’t even need to be there. Luckily this time, the only reason he had to was because his cashier was waiting out in the rain for the door to be opened. I just hope she didn’t get sick… She was probably waiting out there a while for Finn to get over there if he lingered over me waking up and whatnot. And heaven knows, I am not a morning person.
I think it’s just… Hard in general for Finn and I right now. It was really difficult seeing him the next morning after everything that had happened the night before. But I will say this: Every tiny stitch he lays in apologies is something that will always help me heal. If he could admit that he was wrong today (which I’ll get to here in a second), then I really don’t think he’ll have a problem getting back up on his feet. After all, he had gotten up early enough to dress, go out for a ride to get to his employee, and put a fire on for me and the baby. I’m sure they’re nice and warm in there… Even if, now that I realize it, I still haven’t eaten much compared to the last few days. Ugh… I don’t mean to do it, it just kind of happens. I lose my appetite and don’t feel the need to eat. Which… Really sucks for the little baby inside of me… Poor thing. Mommy will be better in the morning, okay? She’s going to make sure to eat a big breakfast for you even if she has to strain herself out of bed to do it. I just hope Daddy will always be here to see you grow…
Do I have the slightest bit of doubt that maybe he won’t? Just a sliver. Not because I don’t want him to be around… But I’m sure today’s talk left him in a place that he… Well, really has to think about. I started thinking back over the last couple of weeks and I guess I finally just got fed up with everything. We had pushed it off day after day, pretending everything was okay after curling into each other’s arms and crying like a bunch of babies. And finally, it just let itself out. Everything from when Tyrese came over and I felt he was choosing him over me up until this point of Halloween where I walked home alone. Everything. And even when he tried to lean in halfway to kiss me and end the conversation? I still wasn’t done. He had been making himself into this complete and utter lonely fool as if no one was there for him. As if he was the victim and constantly tantalizing Tyrese and I for pushing him in different directions when that wasn’t at all the case. I honestly feel like I’ve been talking to the ghost of Finn lately than the actual man himself - like he tuckered himself away in a tiny little corner and left everyone out of his protective ball. It was so… Weird the more I thought about it. It got to the point that I told him for a fact that I wasn’t going to stay around if he was just constantly going to throw me in a loop of dramatic hurt every week. And finally… I think I broke through.
He opened up everything. Every apology I had been secretly wanting and desiring to hear and holding me close, pressing that same, new electric feeling against my skin just with a trembling touch and teary golden eyes. We fell asleep on the couch together that night… Just us. Finn and Bree. And that’s all we’ll ever need to be.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart
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Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2015 3:34 am
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
“I got the money, if you’ve got the honey~.
Let’s cut a deal! Let’s make a plan…~
Who’s your daddy? Who’s your baby? Who’s your buddy…? Who’s your - man?”
Now that is a country song I could play over and over again.
But anyway, today seemed to come out so much better. Although admittedly I did have to climb out of bed practically on my hands and knees at a late hour because I just… Haven’t had the strength to do it on my own and had been hibernating like a bear, but hey. At least I got out of bed. And by the time I was at the top of the stairs? Finn was down there waiting for me in a towel with his guitar, ready to serenade me once again without me even bothering to tell him if I liked yesterday’s. Country Friday every week never ceases to make me frown. I instantly feel like getting my dancing boots on and dressing up like a damn cowgirl; though I obviously can’t with these bandages all over.
Regardless, today ended up really nice with nothing but food and relaxing in bed - which I actually ate. Go me. I don’t have to feel like my body is shaking now when I move since the nutrients are running through my system. And to top it off? Didn’t even toss it all up like usual. I guess I’m not the only one that needed a good feeding. Though I know tomorrow I’ll probably be up on my feet and trying to make my own meal. Which reminds me… I’ll have to call Tyrese. I’ve been kind of worried about him ever since he took care of me on Halloween. He hadn’t said a word since ignoring Finn, picking up Sela, and heading out the door back to his own house. And they had to walk.. Ugh. I wish I had called him later that day to at least make sure he got home and Sela didn’t get sick. He’s probably still going through hell after everything that’s happened. I’ll definitely at least have to send him a text or invite him out to the bar for a drink and talk tomorrow.
Maybe if I’m lucky, him and Finn can actually be friends again. It’s just… Kind of weird knowing they haven’t been that close as they were in high school. What I’m afraid of is that they might’ve just… Grown away from each other and need time to get to know the other again. Hmm… Well, if they want to be friends again, then they will be. But for now? I need to make sure that since my family has been mostly taken care of - that he’s okay too.
I can’t even imagine what it’s like over on that end.
Especially with a child that’s so used to her mother’s touch.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart |
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Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:17 am
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
Today started off on a really good note; but it got absolutely disgusting. You’ll see what I mean here in a minute.
At first I woke up pretty sleepy, and didn’t want to go to work, but Finn came around the bed and-
*insert happy shudder*
You get the gist. And there’s nothing wrong with that. We haven’t had a morning like that in along time - so I was more than welcome to the idea! After that I got ready for the day in the bathroom and actually got a text from Tyrese. He asked to come see me at the bar, but I didn’t even realize who he was bringing around with him. I was so excited to find out who it was and to get my pet Leopard Gecko back that I pretty much completely forgot to put my bandages on. Those meds are a lot stronger than I thought they would be. And that’s saying something considering it takes a lot to actually get me numb. Okay, so for example, when I was a lot younger, I had to get a cavity filling, right? They put the shots in your gums to make you numb, and they drill away at your tooth. Usually it takes about two or three shots. They had to give me six or seven because I could still feel the damn thing. Seriously? Sheesh. I still don’t think it was healthy for them to do. And it deeeefinitely wasn’t the best idea to keep chewing on my lip. It was bruised by the time it became undone. >-> Whoops.
So I got on the bike with Finn - Dime came with us, sweet boy - and we went to Sucre’s first so he could at least take care of some business. Not to mention, I really wanted something cherry flavored. So we walked in the door and I chilled around the candy for a bit until Finn called me over to the office. What I saw next had definitely ruined the sacredness of “our” shop. The first job Finn had ever received after hurting his knee and being told he couldn’t play basketball professionally again until he got it fixed. A little of the only income we had when we first moved to Soleil - and something he had worked hard for; and now currently owned. Here on the tv was the most recent employee he hired having sex, yes, sex on the front counter. Are you shitting me? To be on, what, your second or third day of work and to utterly betray your boss with the least amount of respect possible. Just yesterday he had to leave bed with me to let her through the door in the pouring rain. He had taken time to make sure she was in safe, and even trusted her to lock up afterward. But instead, I guess she sought to ruin it.
A lot of people might call me a hypocrite, but let’s be honest, that was the equivalent to having sex in the bed of someone’s house. Not the guest bedroom, but the bed of the master bedroom. Just thinking about it now I want to throw up. Finn and I are insistent on replacing the counter. Luckily with the new income, it won’t be a massive chunk whatsoever.
And if it weren’t for Tori and Hakem appearing, I might have had my mood ruined for the rest of the night.
But it was such a shock to see them here! Oh man, I couldn’t believe it. Two people I had taught with 2 years ago were here in Soleil, looking for a house. The night definitely turned itself around really quick. Too bad I couldn’t have a few drinks with them, but I’m sure I will once the baby is born. Victoria and I will be partying hard when she moves down here - if, and hopefully she will, she does!
heart Aubrey Teagan heart |
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