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 Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:20 am
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Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:21 am
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Posted: Tue Oct 27, 2015 1:12 am
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
Today’s the day! And of course… I was late. Not by much, but I was late. ; n ; For weeks, if not over a month, on end Tyrese has been planning this day with me by his side. I’m so happy he chose me to help him along; now that the bar is running smoothly and everything. Not to mention, I’ve made a great friend in the process. But regardless! I was late. I left Finn at home since Tyrese asked for me to be earlier than the usual guests. I wanted to help him open and kind of… Help him calm down. I know how nervous opening day can be, especially when no one walks in at first. So as a pre-warning, I told him not a lot of people would stay the night the first week or so. And it’s true, a lot of people just want to take a look around and see what the place has to offer; they’re not as risky as some others who will take a chance. And let’s not forget about the critics that come unexpectedly… They’re the scariest. By the time I got there it looked like a few people had made their way in, but not too many. I waited a while for him to show up in the front hall with a woman I met named Jeni. She was very kind and sweet - so I have a feeling, and hope, that I’ll be getting to know her a lot better later on. Tyrese seemed pretty comfortable with her, not to mention she brought flowers. It’s telling that she was there early but Lillian only showed her face for two seconds to drop Sela off. Annoying. Can’t even congratulate him on his opening day; but whatever, she always manages to get what’s coming to her, so I’m not worried.
Well, after a bit, Tyrese - passively - mentioned something he had had planned for me. I couldn’t believe what he said. To think… Well, I’ll get to it in a bit. The food was absolutely delicious; my favorite meal of all time. Baked asparagus, mashed potatoes, and steak. Who wouldn’t devour that in one sitting?! I sure as hell know my plate was empty by the time everyone was heading home. And at the end, I had practically forgotten about the “surprise”. And so, Tyrese sent Finn home early - who was extremely disappointed along with his six pack of beer he had swung by the store to grab - and we cleaned up the table after they left. It was nice, I have to admit that much; having dinner with everyone like that for once, even when I don’t know half the people attending. Well, that’s how you make better friends, right? I met two new people: Blaze, a very ecstatic redhead and Luka, a very shy brunette. She didn’t talk much, so I kept my company with Finn and Sela. Poor little sleepy girl... Did she not get enough sleep the night before? My thoughts of how her 'family' is separating haven't gone away - it's probably sending her into a confused shock on the inside. She may be young, but I think children that age can at least understand that something's wrong when she's not seeing both of her parents like she used to. She had been introduced to her father, and within a few weeks ripped back away from him again. She practically clung to me until Tyrese took her to see Lillian again - who despicably appeared, took his daughter, and disappeared once again.
In the middle of gathering plates, Tyrese took the last one from me, handed it to one of the waiters, and took my hand to guide me up and away away from the dining room. I had completely forgotten once again about the surprise he mentioned earlier before; or maybe I thought it wouldn't actually happen. But what I expected? Was nothing like the reality. As soon as he pushed open the door to the rooftop... There set a few tall lit candles atop a white table cloth and two small chairs just for the two of us. The patio was empty, swept to perfection, and anything up in the area was absolutely clean. A “thanks”, he called it, for all of my hard efforts in helping him through the process. Even on bed rest, I had never strayed to help him, day in and day out of him visiting me. How could I not? Simply because I’m drowning in pain doesn’t mean I shouldn’t help the people near me that need it. The funny thing is, if he hadn’t been talking to me continuously, I would have cried harder than I did. It was just… One of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for me in my entire life. I couldn't even feel the chilly breeze where we sat; everything filled me with warmth. He set me down, pulling my chair out for me and pushing it in, and as if he had set up for them to come out on cue, a few workers entered the rooftop and set deserts in front of us; several kinds that he had all made by hand. Not had his kitchen helped with, but by hand, on his own. There was so much to choose from - I had to make sure I had a bite of all of them. They went so perfectly along with the dinner he had prepared. And delicious, might I add. Not too long after we finished eating and I finally managed to stop crying, he pulled a small gift from behind his chair. I hadn't recognized the shape at first until it fell into my hand. Admittedly, it was cheesy, but I loved it. He had made a mixed CD for me to personally play in my car. The soundtrack was written down neatly within the opening flap. All of my favorite music was on there; and I mean my favorites - as well as a few he had chosen out on his own. I just couldn’t believe how much he had been paying attention to me in these last several weeks. It’s almost like.. Like some sort of connection had opened up between us - a mutual one that we could both lean on whenever we needed help. He had taken the time to learn so much about me. Just thinking about it now makes me feel so utterly adored. I guess it's just something I've been needing for a long time. I had been feeling so neglected and abandoned - even though Finn and I had talked and fought about it - that I needed to know I existed somewhere else besides home as well.
I couldn't take any more of it. But once again, he managed to surprise me. He pulled out his Ukulele to play a few Elvis songs. (Don’t tell anyone, but I have a feeling they meant a lot more than what he was leading on to.) I’ve seen the looks from him; the careful eye watching and gazing over me as if he was a teenager trying not to get caught. It’s not as hidden as he thinks it is, but I’m not going to tell him that.
The night came to a sore end… I ended up not making it home last night… As we were leaving late after finishing up on the rooftop, Tyrese waved off one of his workers to make sure she got home safe. He then turned to walk me to my car, but as I was driving off-... I just… I can’t think about it too hard. All I can see is Tyrese’s body flying out of the way of someone else’s car as they hit him; like something you’d see in a movie… He crumpled to the ground and I only remember slamming on my breaks and clambering out of my car to help him.
All I have to say, though, is thank you, Tyrese... You've made me feel like one of the most special women in the entire world - and I'm so very lucky to have someone like you in my life.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart |
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Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 9:19 pm
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
It took some time for Tyrese to fully awaken… The drugs put him out pretty hard after they got him in the bed last night. The smell is making me uncomfortable; all I can think of is being emitted here with my broken rib and the nurse stabbing an IV into my arm when I fell off the bed to stop them. And I can’t stop cradling it as if someone might come in and punch me on my side just to check and make sure everything’s healed; in the worst way possible of course. Or for her to walk in, which I’m sure would be the equivalent pain. Then again, either she was ignoring her phone or he hadn’t listed her as an emergency number. Maybe I was on his contact list so therefore, no one else had to come in.
When he did wake up, it wasn’t pretty. He immediately went to contact Lysander - Lillian’s brother, who he… I guess, slept? with. How in the hell he thought that would make the situation any better, I have no freaking clue. I refuse to talk about either of those stupid a** twins when the subject comes up unless it’s a hiss stream of curse words. Even though I constantly tell him that I can take him home, he asks for him to come in - and sure enough, he does, acting like it’s some huge Goddamn favor for him to take care of him. For the love of God, they could have been brothers. Though why Lysander ignored me, I have no idea. We’ve never met, of course, but I’ve heard plenty of Tyrese. He acted like I was just another inanimate object in the room. Oh well, he got what was coming to him. Wanna know why? I took him. I took Tyrese out of his bed and wheeled him to my freaking car. That’s why. And you know what? I don’t feel guilty about it. Not one smidge.
By the time we got home, Finn had pulled in right next to us. He rushed and hugged me before helping Tyrese out of the car and settling him onto the couch. I guess things went pretty smooth after that considering he was asleep for most of the night; on and off if anything else. I’m sure the drugs were taking effect still.
But that doesn’t mean I still can’t help but worry about him and everything he’s going to go through. God knows she’s going to find out if that was Lysander. So I plan to keep him here as long as he needs until he’s ready to go home.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart |
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 7:18 pm
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
I guess I thought today was going to be better than it actually was; but the ending was sweet if that was any consolation.
Finn was already awake by the time I got up, but I think it was mainly because he heard Tyrese trying to rummage around downstairs. I don’t remember that at all - but then again, he’s usually an earlier riser than me. I was in a pretty good mood when I woke up. And when I got downstairs? So was Finn. Tyrese on the other hand… Well… If he hadn’t asked me to take care of him occasionally tonight, I’d think he’s still mad at me for what I did. Sure, I could have let Lysander meander off with him, but what would that have accomplished? He’d still be taking it as some kind of joke and making him “pay it back” in some way, shape, or form. I just don’t trust that family when it comes to anyone. Except Sela, obviously, but she’s already becoming a spoiled brat - like her mother.
And when he gets angry with me… I almost think, I know I shouldn’t, but like it’s my fault. If I hadn’t said yes, if I had said no, or hadn’t dragged on our conversation up on the rooftop, would things have changed? Would he be at home, taking care of himself, or even at the bed and breakfast, seeing things are in order? I feel guilty. I feel like it’s all my fault that he’s like this. Like I should have been telling him we’ll have dinner together a different day… I know, I know it’s no one but the driver’s fault. It just hurts.
Regardless, the day was short, and we took Tyrese home a little around lunch. While Finn went back to warm the car up, he asked me to help kind of… Take care of him. Of course I agreed. Who would leave their friend in the dark? He’s broken, battered, bruised, and there’s only a few of us that can take care of him when he wants to actually be taken care of. Not to mention give him space when he wants it.
I just hope he gets better soon. I can’t stand seeing all of those bandages on him… And the sight of his body flying sideways is giving me nightmares…
heart Aubrey Teagan heart |
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 7:48 pm
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
This morning was an early one. Hakem called me around 6 this morning asking me to come help Tyrese since apparently he wouldn’t let him so much as take care of him. Well, that and I’m sure Tori was wondering where he could be at. So I kissed Finn on the head and left him a note on the bed before scurrying off with a bag. I got there around… 7? Hell if I know. It was still dark. Everyone knows I shouldn’t be awake during those hours. >:V That’s not normal. That’s not normal for anyone! Those teaching days were freaking torture when it came right down to it. I had to be in the dang class by… 8:10? I don’t remember. Something like that. I’m sure everyone enjoyed seeing their lazy a** Miss Clark dragging her hands down her face and sipping a Monster like it was coffee.
I fell asleep in the second floor of the house, where the main bedroom and another bathroom were. Hakem insisted that I needed my personal space and offered to move into the multiple guest bedroom downstairs next to where Tyrese was staying in the living room. After telling me to get some sleep, I gratefully did so and didn’t wake up for a while. Of course, as per the norm of the last several months, yet another terrible thing started the day. Remember Lillian, diary? Remember the person that almost gave me a miscarriage on purpose? Threw me across the lawn and threatened my f*cking child’s life? Guess who just so happened to show up in my guest bedroom when I came out of the shower? Oh, that’s right. The selfish, completely egotistical b***h of a woman that obviously can’t see any Goddamn life but her own. Somehow she managed to glance right past my own bag on the floor next to the door and plop herself on the side of the bed. For the love of God, the bed was unmade. Is she that stup- Is that even a question? She dismissed me like we saw each other on the street every day and made passing conversation. Like nothing had happened between us.
But no. Oh no. It gets far worse, of course. I came downstairs to check on Tyrese in the living room. I said it before and I’ll say it again, it doesn’t matter how far has passed, it doesn’t matter what she does, I don’t trust her. I will never trust her around anyone but her despicable self. I could hardly get my sentence out and what do I see? Tyrese in pain… Bleeding. Bleeding for God’s sake like he was trying to get up and away from something. I don’t doubt it was her doing… And just like that, she came down the stairs.
This is where the story gets to its worst.
Let me see if I can remember what she said correctly.
“Before you start flapping your gums Mrs. Teagan, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. Whatever Tyrese is doing to tell you afterwards, is just that; words. It’s none of your business no matter who you are, so a bit of privacy for the people involved would be nice. I don’t want to fight, so make it easier on everyone and make yourself scarce for a few minutes.”
She doesn’t want a fight. She doesn’t want a FIGHT?! Is she ******** KIDDING ME?! She talks to me like I’m butting into her business. Like I have no Godforsaken reason to BE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. Well excuse me you blonde b***h, but Tyrese wanted me to be his caretaker. Not. You. In case you haven’t gotten the memo, genius, he’s DONE with you. Finished. Kaput. And do you know why? Because you cheated. You cheated and you lied about it. Yes. Lied. You didn’t utter a single ******** word for weeks on end - at least that’s what you told your “ex lover”, if you can even call him that. And then what did you do? You tried to kill, or take the life of, his best friend’s wife and their CHILD. You can’t POSSIBLY sit there and think I wouldn’t have some kind of HATRED towards you. That I would have to treat you with nothing but niceties. And you know what? If you think that’s how this works? If you think you can just disappear for weeks, and come back a “better woman” without fixing the problem? Then maybe you don’t deserve to be in any relationship with anyone. I don’t OWE you anything. I don’t LISTEN to you. I don’t LIKE you in any, way, shape, or form. You could save the ******** world and all I’d think is, “I hate her.”
But you know what? Out of respect for TYRESE, I walked around the corner to start a bath for him. Did I say something spiteful to her on the way out? Absolutely. She earned that one all by herself. I wasn’t going to say a ******** word, but by all means, she wants a verbal venom spewing, I’ll give her one. She couldn’t even figure out afterwards why I tell her things like that. Why? BECAUSE SHE’S NOT SORRY ABOUT WHAT SHE DID. ALL SHE SEES IS HERSELF. “I’m a better person now.” “I got hurt.” “I went away to fix myself.” LEARN something for once, Lillian. The world doesn’t revolve around YOU. Loving yourself is fine, FINE, but holy s**t, you’re not even CLOSE to anyone’s center of attention anymore. So stop being a WHORE for once and LISTEN to people. FIX WHAT YOU DID. It takes TIME. It’s a SACRIFICE for making a SIN in your RELATIONSHIP.
Holy s**t it is not that hard to grasp.
I HATE that woman. HATE. ********. HER.
I cannot stress that enough, diary. I physically cannot.
I can hear the pipes creaking while I write this… If I’m not careful, I’ll wake Tyrese up. I already made the bathroom practically boil and melt when she was talking.
He was screaming at her when she retreated into the bedroom, walking around like she owned the place. I felt sorry for him. It wasn’t as if he could head after her.
But you know what? That’s the best thing about Tyrese and me being in the same vicinity…
We’re one of the best teams anyone could ever have. Because you know what? In the end, we’re the ones smiling to each other, and holding each other up so we know the other won’t fall.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:03 pm
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
“AUBREY!”
Her body jerked painfully, practically snapping her shoulder out of it socket as he grasped her hand. If he hadn’t caught her, she would have fallen to her death. And now… She could feel tears stinging the corners of her eyes, fear overtaking her when she was feeling so free not seconds ago. How did she get here? She glanced down - immediately regretting the view below her - where darkness overwhelmed the entirety of all detail. ”D-Don’t let me go…!” Her voice echoed down the hole, both hands desperately trying to grip at his hand holding hers; the rest of her body dangling over the cliff. ”Please…” She begged, unable to detect the sob beneath her breath. Finally she looked up to find his golden gaze gleaming down at her. But… They were dull as they glanced down at her, empty than when they were in the car. His grip slipped slightly. ”F-” She screamed, clawing onto his hand in any way she could. But it was no good. Finger by finger she came undone, falling back first towards the bottomless pit she found new terror in. He only stared at her falling body - and she could have sworn the smallest of smiles curved the corner of his lips before he was gone, dissipated from her vision.
Now she would die.
A pair of arms wrapped beneath her limp, defeated body, hooking beneath her shoulders and knees. They were strong, warm, and illuminated the darkness. She had landed in them like a feather - but when had she stopped falling so quickly? It had felt like a falling bullet train through the air.
”Don’t worry, I have you.” He murmured. She whipped her attention from his curled fingers beneath her knee to the body attached to them. The blue hair and eyes were unmistakable - and he had an aura around him that shimmered. Her light in the darkness. ”You should be more careful.” He chuckled, turning on his heel and walking towards wherever he found suitable. She, however, saw nothing; only heard the tapping of his footsteps beneath her. How could he possibly see where he was going? Was he able to see in the dark simply because he was a wolf when it came right down to it? Or had he walked this path a million times, waiting for the day to catch her off guard? Her throat hurt and the tears shed at the beginning of her fall were now nonexistent. He didn’t seem to mind her silent demeanor, stopping in a place that was exactly the same as before. To her, they had essentially walked nowhere, only through a continuously empty space. ”Remember, tuck your legs in this time so we don’t catch your foot again.” And strangely enough, she did remember. She could take in the pain that happened this last time. Was there a last time? Her legs tightened inwards, toes pointed downward as she bent her foot at her ankle. No matter how hard she tried to look into the air surrounding his brightening light, she couldn’t find a single detail around them.
”Hold on.” He nudged her shoulder and instinctively, she lifted it to grasp around his neck. His hand fumbled away from her back and begin to press an invisible panel with his fingertips. What sounded like twinkling stars echoed with every touch, shuddering white lights rippled away from his fingertips, expanding before disappearing completely. And just like that, a white door appeared in front of them. It was something out of a fairy tale, small flowery details imprinted along it’s borders and a gold shimmering handle to the right. He gripped it, twisted, and pushed it open. A gust of wind forced her curls back away from her face. Her cheek pressed harder against his chest and he held his hand up to protect whatever he could from blowing against her.
He jumped.
And if she hadn’t of been looking, she would have never noticed they were falling upward - skyrocketing to their next destination.
She gasped and he laughed again. The sceneries flew past like rooms. The beach, where she sat next to him, smiling up at his tears; the pet store, her face plastered against the glass while he peeked over her shoulder; her bar, where she served drinks to her two of her three favorite teachers; her bedroom, his lips falling just past her lips before he turned away quickly; the rain in front of Lillian’s house, where he stood screaming at her, gesturing to Bree frantically until he swept her into the car. Images shifted like floors on an elevator, though they didn’t pause in between. Amour, his house, the bathroom, the rooftop, the dance- Her amethyst eyes flickered and attempted to take in every last detail on the passing one before another jumped before her. She remembered all of these taking place in the last few months, where her heart was torn, sewn, and torn again in a terror cycle. What had she been doing all this time? Convincing herself that everything would be okay? They slowed to a stop at the very top. The room itself looked familiar, but at the same time she couldn’t put her finger on just exactly where they were. A bedroom, for sure. The floor was laid with white carpet, a bed to the right, but a sitting area to the left. The closet behind the sitting area flashed her reflection and she glanced down to the blue dress she wore. It started off as solid, fading slightly at her waist where it was tightened with a brown belt, and completely faded at the edges.
”You know I’m always here for you.”
”I know.” She spoke softly. She could hardly remember what her voice sounded like. A lump was forming.
”Then let’s try something different.” His smile was barely apparent, but she could hear every last serious approach behind it. ”Together.” The door whispered shut behind him. Within the mirror, she could watch it shrink, dwelling down until she had to squint - but by then, her focus was on where he was taking her. And she wasn’t fighting it. Her heart beat smoothly in her chest as he nestled her atop his sheets.
She remembered this place now.
”Stay with me and only me.” He whispered. His hands were heavy next to her, his wrist and forearms cradling her in place on her back, unable to escape as he moved closer. One knee settled next to her thigh, then the other on her opposite side, encasing her fully below him. ”Why let him push you again?” It was all coming back to her now. His lips tenderly pressed along her shoulder, peppered her clavicle slowly, and stroked at her neck and jawline.
She closed the car door behind her, sprinting to the edge of the cliff until she could see the scenery for herself. The drive had been long, but it had been worth it. He had occasionally grazed her hand and glanced to her with a smile, which she would return and ask what he was looking at. He’d only shake his head and she’d laugh. So he followed suit, closing the door and following after. “It’s beautiful up here!” She cried, tucking her dress between her legs whilst leaning over excitedly. She couldn’t stop smiling. It didn’t take her long to untuck herself and spread her arms, smiling warmly at the breeze that brushed her skin. She wouldn’t have even known it happened.
His fingertips pushed her back.
”You need me.” He kissed her jawline. ”And I need you.” The same hand stroked her side, down her hip, along her thigh, and back up to the sideswell of her breast. Her hands felt up along his forearms. She could watch him shudder in satisfaction, her shoulders doing the same. He felt down to her stomach, stopping along the line of her waist, then brushing her curls away from her face until he could see every inch of her ivory cheeks, nose, and forehead. Her lips pursed and he took the lead, caressing hers with his own until he couldn’t breathe. But it didn’t stop. The next one was more passionate, locking until they learned to breathe with their noses only, limiting their lungs in exchange for the sweet taste of lips. She gripped at his shirt and he pulled at her dress, clothes scattering the bed frame and floor.
--
Her eyelids flickered open, greeted by dim moonlight and shadowed inanimate objects.
Tyrese’s body lifted and lowered with deep breaths. He was still asleep.
His hand tightly grasped hers. He had never let go after all this time.
She remembered the tears they had shed together. Knowing no one else would see them.
This was real life now.
But it didn’t feel like a dream.
heart Aubrey Teagan heart |
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:12 pm
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
⊙〖sυиםαч иσvємвєя ❷❻тн〗⊙
⊙ No Song Today.
These last couple of days blew by in kind of a breeze, which was nice even though I haven’t heard hide nor hair from Finn. Lillian kept to herself for the most part, but she hardly exists anymore to me. It’s more of an invisible… Thing, in the room. As long as she’s not near Tyrese at all times, and knows that, then everything else should be fine. But hey! Enough about- Who were we talking about again? Exactly.
It was Thanksgiving!
And holy cow there were so many people here today. Some brown hair guy I passed by on his way out, another blond girl named Izzy, Hakem, Victoria, and Finn even showed up! It had to be the most amount of people I’ve ever seen in Tyrese’s house all at once. But you know what? He looked happy about it. Legitimately happy to have guests. I’ve only seen that look on his face one other time - and because of that I can see how much he really loves his bed and breakfast. It’s like he knows how to make them happy through just decor and food. That no matter what, as long as they had a good experience, then he’s happy for them.
There is one small thing that pissed me off today. I have no idea why, but Finn and Izzy flipped their s**t at seeing Tyrese stumble on a bar stool. He didn’t even freaking fall and Finn was demanding that I go get his pills. Calm down. Holy cow. I’ve been here for the past.. Almost a week now. The last thing I need is for someone telling me what to do over something they haven’t been taking care of.
Other than that, everything went smooth and the food was sooooooooo yummy.
Happy Thanksgiving, Diary!
heart Aubrey Teagan heart |
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2016 8:14 pm
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Posted: Tue May 24, 2016 8:32 am
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
I haven’t seen you since a few days after the Halloween incident.
But I still feel the need to get something off my chest, no matter how many times I’ve put it verbally to Max and Tyrese.
I broke down a few weeks ago in the kitchen. The first time I had seen Max in five years and all I could do was become this blubbering mess that you left me in. At the mention of “we”, all I could think to do was wonder why you had left me - why I haven’t heard a word from you in the past two months, and why these officers look me over like I’m some sort of frail joke to them. But I guess the only conclusion to them is that maybe I am. Maybe they find it funny that I haven’t figured it out yet. And now that I’m writing it all out, it makes me think it’ll click by the end of this diary. In truth, I still love you. I’m waiting for that day you’ll come through the garage door and give me some sort of story about how you’d lost your phone. And even though there are plenty of stores around, you - for some God forsaken reason - decided to just let it go and focus on “finding your family”. Instead, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and even New Years has rolled by and I still haven’t heard a word from you. If I go to check up, they only shrug. But all I can seem to think is, “He’s coming home. I’ll wake up and he’ll be there by my side, talking to the baby.” Day after day passes and I can’t help but think of you. Where you are. What you decided to do. And why you won’t come home to me.
And then I find myself looking over everything with anger and hatred. Even after the first time you abandoned me, I still came back to you. I agreed to take it slow, and let it progress until I felt comfortable with you again. I agreed when you proposed to me, and I gave you everything you could possibly wish for. When your knee blew out during that one crucial game, I dropped my dream job for you. I gave you a family - one that you’ve never had, and that you still treat as if they were some distant friends even after these years. And even now, almost 19 weeks in, I’m still making a family that I thought you would grow to love. Did I push too much onto you? Did I make you believe that I wanted nothing more than to occupy the same cage you had built around yourself? And when I turn to see what you want to do next, I find the door open and you’ve fled again. When I told you the news, you dropped to your knees with joy. We cried against each other forever - and it was that same night that we started to stumble over the rocks in our marriage. The further that we went on, the more distant you became. You pushed yourself to work full time, even with your employees covering over the store, and left me to sit at home and wallow in the questions that still run my mind at this moment. Did I do the right thing? Was I moving too fast and…
But, now that I see it, maybe it’s the sick twisted truth of a “curse”. These people believe themselves to find the perfect person for them; absolutely intertwined fates that make you believe they were the person to end up with. From the moment I kissed your lips, tasted you on my mouth, I assumed this… This fictional future I built around myself ever since I was younger. It was something that came naturally to me - but also something I didn’t care to think twice about when it came right down to it. That one day I would find that special someone to spend the rest of my life with, and with you being the person I happened switched bodies with at that academy; I internally and mentally placed you into the male shadowed silhouette to complete my dreams. I stopped thinking myself as “Bree Clark” and began scrawling “Bree Teagan” when I got bored in class. I imagined a wedding as the holidays came around, and even though I was already naming our children in my head, you were starting to leave me behind in the dust. Seeing everything now… And I’m starting to think I’m going to come across you in the front of the Soleil Grocery store in Downtown.
I’ve put myself in the dream of finding a lover and spending the rest of my life with him. That we would have the typical family, long summers near the beach, a pool in the backyard to teach the babies, assuming they would get my abilities... But I guess to see that would be so absolutely cliche that it only fit my general type. It’s the law of the land where I grow from. You grow, you fall in love to the man/woman of your dreams, you bear children, you start a family - it’s only natural. Or maybe… Maybe that isn’t natural. Not for me. Maybe, for me, my purpose wasn’t to give love to any one person, but an abundance to those around me. Maybe marriage and love weren’t suited for me personally… And that’s why I met you. The entirety to let me know that something I dream so fondly of isn’t something that I’m supposed to follow. And, in essence, if that were the case, then would I have to follow you to the ends of the Earth to find my path? Was I supposed to chase after you back then as I am now? But, if that were, then in turn would I need to drop everything I’ve ever known - to take away the home I’ve created for myself and give that much more to you..? When you came back for me...
No.
No, you didn’t come back for me. Back then you didn’t, and even after I was told by Tyrese that you came back, tried to shove past him… I knew that much was too good to be true. I felt a flutter of love and desire overwhelm me and take over my ability to even talk to him. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t think, but all I could imagine was you coming home to save your ‘damsel in distress’. But you are not my prince. And I am not in distress - not anymore. You are no longer the man I fell in love with all those years ago; the one I idolized on this pedestal and made out to be the man of my dreams. When you abandoned me, the first time, I fell down a rabbit hole that I still see myself falling into. I struggled to climb out, to see if you would help me, to which you never came to my rescue. Now, are you thinking back to then and wondering if it could be different? Are you imagining that same quick forgiveness that I gave you again and again and again? I can’t tell you how absolutely shitty it feels to look back at all the times I should have snapped rather than caressed you and told you it was going to be okay. All those times that I… Perhaps should have become selfish and made you take the steps on your own. I was frustrated with Tyrese, but a small part of me understood; and with that part, I myself understand now.
I relinquish my love for this shadow of a man.
But the original Finn Teagan will forever hold a place in my heart.
I am strong. I can be independent again. I am me. I am Bree. I have my own quirks, my own business, my faults, my pros, everything and anything I have is good. It makes me who I am. Not this imaginary fantasy that I see myself engrossing in. I’ve pushed past those roaring black waters with the help of someone near and dear to my heart. Someone I never even saw myself acquainting with when it comes right down to it. But he’s been there every step of the way where you should have been there to wrap your arms around me. Instead I find myself waking from forbidden dreams I feel like I shouldn’t be having. I thought they were coincidence. A sick, twisted irony of how you’d slowly replaced yourself with this man - and in turn, I had done so to my ‘shadowed silhouette’. You replaced yourself with someone that’s given me everything I hadn’t voiced. He’s been my crutch, my voice, my thought process when there wasn’t one. I thought the fluttering in my heart was gratitude; that the squeezing in my chest and the rush of heat on my face was embarrassment in its finest to see his ‘protector’, something I had labeled as myself, so frail and incomplete where I should have been strong. But with each hand hold, with each kiss on my forehead, my temple, my cheek, with every gentle hug and night spent next to him… With every ‘I love you’ coming from those lips... I think… I think…
I think...
-------------
It still amazes me what a little bit of writing can do.
Aubrey Teagan Clark heart |
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Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 6:49 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 6:51 pm
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 ⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
As the drifting clouds eclipsed the sun rolling over the distant hills in the peaking night sky, the brunette entangled in the blanket ceased to move, her amethyst eyes carefully taking in the shifting pastel painted world outside the window. The amount of time spent lounging beneath the covers had been absolutely lost to her. But even so, she continued to cradle the glass jar of excess and unfocused shuddering light, raveled tightly within her arms against the forefront of her chest. Tightening her embrace, she exhaled a prolonged sigh.
Would it be wrong for me to wish the pain away?
A quivering silence steadied itself as she mulled over the possibility.
Or what if you never existed?
A wash of dismay dimmed her vision for a fraction of a second as she peeled one arm from around the receptacle and testily held it to the ceiling, sprawling her fingers until she could count the arriving wrinkles shadowing small portions of ivory skin surrounding the knuckles. Her ring finger, now barren, would remain permanently void of the golden jewelry that frequented it for the past years. Their two year anniversary would be coming soon. And unlike most things, there wasn’t much she could do to stop it. She shifted her leg, dragging her knee to face the ceiling and tucking the back of her heel against her bottom jean pocket.
How many times would she have to come back to the breaking point before it would finally smoothe over?
How many times would she need to revisit the painful memories she struggled to flee?
To push away the thoughts of him?
To forget the hurt?
With the alternative of forgetting it all...
There was the soft click of the doorknob, a tender brush of fingertips against the wooden threshold alerting the seemingly empty chamber of a new presence. The breeze of the opening door twitched the occasional frayed edge of her dark chocolate curls crushed beneath the weight of her head and cushion of the pillow. However, the petite woman encased with an excess of blanket revoked all vocal and physical movement. The vaguely similar figure dropped her hand from the knob, cautiously making her way to the edge of the bed as she had for the past several evenings. The days themselves played out without stress. But when the night came and the stars expressed themselves, all joy and exhilaration would fall with sunken shoulders. A pair of brown eyes studied unnoticed between Aubrey’s dark brows, a soft pair of fingertips finding their way to gently graze into the silky tendrils not far off.
Her mother knew what haunted her.
What she had come here to consider and warn them of.
What she wanted to dispel from her life-
The corners of her mouth twitched to a frown as she brought the free hand down to the crest of her rising belly. It smoothed just over her navy hem, catching beneath and ultimately giving a ginger scratch over the skin. Relaxing, she could say. Her grandmother had used it as a soothing tactic before she fell ill. She could remember the long nights spent in the same bed with stories of their ancestry that brought on the onslaught of powers at a younger age. Her bottom lip suckled inward. What would Grammi say? She was a firm believer - as was her granddaughter - of sanctifying every mortal and immortal life. But… Would she understand the need to rectify her situation? Or the promise of new aspects that were sure to follow?
“He isn’t coming back?”
The words themselves were more of a statement - though pressured with disappointment and vague worry. She couldn’t say she was surprised. They hadn’t seen him since early October at the latest. He had treated them like distant friends rather than relatives… After all the kindness they lent in his direction. But they accepted him regardless. She seethed with rational irritation at the thought. Her mother, however, only paused long enough for her daughter to offer any response, of which none was received. She was somewhat iffy on the subject entirely; though she didn’t doubt much in Tyrese, that was for sure.
“What if he does?”
They were the first words Julia had heard since earlier that afternoon. She placed her hands in her lap, crossing over her ankles near the bottom of the box spring. Her toes only barely managed to press their prints against the floor. With a short drop of her head she contemplated over the idea. They had been frantic of the idea of him leaving. He sought to find his original family, failing in turn to spot the one desperately desiring to make him one of their own. Aubrey had made him aware of her dissatisfaction with his oncoming absence and still he had chosen to leave. Still he had chosen to dismantle their home life and disembark on a personal journey - one he knew very well she couldn’t attend with her new bedridden pregnancy.
Selfish.
“And then what?”
A soundless inhale halted furthering thoughts on what she had practically assumed a permanent and unavoidable hypothetical. And just like that - it cleared. What if he came back?
Would it matter?
He had been so reluctant and withdrawn from his given family, had gone to severe lengths to cut his time back at home- Had buried himself so intensely with his work- She failed to catch the output. The sheer idea of letting him go in the first place as she had promised. And although she couldn’t release those final hopes that one day, he might come back into her life, she could spot the light she perilously wished to be bathed in. A man that had given her his all, exposed his skeleton without so much as a notice of hesitation as she did for him. Her heart fluttered and rocked several beats. Pure, absolute kindness. There was never a day he’d come late without an excessive apology to follow suit before he’d even arrived; even on days when there was nothing to be prompt for. His gaze never floundered. His words enticed her. Before she realized she had spoken the words strewed between her parted rosy lips.
“I love him.”
The familiar heat straddled the front of her cheeks, painting them an unlikely shade of pink.
Her mother’s silence was void of the typical relentless teasing. The atmosphere had changed; excited exuberance soundlessly oscillated beneath her mother’s breath. The jar rolled a slight turn as she readjusted it against her cooling skin. Though invisible beneath the sheath of daylight, the night allowed its shimmer to plague her surrounding area and subdue the arriving darkness - now swathing both women with only a cut of moonlight. She missed watching his shoulders roll below his slumber, the security of his falling and rising chest, hiding a heartbeat unfamiliar to herself. Tenderly her mom tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and stopped to caress her jawline with the back of her knuckles, startling Aubrey from her thoughts. She was sheepish, almost pleasantly guilty as her mother lifted herself to depart with a widened smile, leaving one last clement kiss against her temple.
Another breathless sigh, this one romantic, and she was alone.
But the words only continued to echo again: And then what?
Aubrey Teagan Clark heart
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Posted: Wed Sep 06, 2017 1:13 am
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Posted: Fri Aug 30, 2019 3:04 am
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
I was hoping we could be civil about this. I was hoping that… There would be something left of this relationship that we could savor, even if it came down to knowing we’d never speak to each other again. That we could leave on bittersweet terms knowing that… We were something special and we’d lost that since but it would be okay in the end. That even if we were soul mates, we wanted different things that drove our marriage apart. I wanted you to be there. And you wanted to find out who you were. I… Thought I knew who you were. It never made sense to me that you turn and try to find two people that didn’t have any part in making you who you were. That you had all these years in between and yet… It was only then that the panic set in for you. Because to me you were funny, you were handsome, you were goofy, sporadic, in-love, and you had made me so… Happy.
I wanted to tell you that you looked good for all the time we spent away from each other. I wanted to tell you that it was nice to know that you were alive. That it was difficult to see you sitting there in front of me. That it was different knowing that you were thriving in another life even if I didn’t know that yet. I wanted to tell you that I was sorry for the way I acted when I saw you on the beach. The way you looked so casual, the story he told me about how you had come back and he pushed you away- I wanted to tell you that I was at least happy to know that you were okay. And deep down, I am/was; even if I didn’t want to admit that to myself then. I mean, you were my husband, Finn. You were my one and only for several years of my life. You were the one my red string of fate was tied to. And you were the one I missed the most.
But as time continued on, the more arguments that began between us, the more I felt you grow away from me… The less love I felt from you. The less of a wife I found myself to be. My opinion didn’t matter to you anymore. My needs didn’t matter to you anymore. I didn’t matter to you anymore. And when you left- I was devastated. I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself, my life, our baby; everything that we held together now fell on my shoulders alone. The business- Even with a manager, who would run the financials? The payments? The employees… And then my own bar. The doctor’s appointments. There were so many after you left and you hadn’t even made the first one until he told you to… The calls were scarce then until they stopped altogether.
It was hard-- To know you were with her for almost the entire six months you were gone. And to see you not have the slightest bit of resent for her with your story. Instead… You had a sad look in your eyes. An expression I’d hoped no one else could obtain except for me. A sense of sincerity and genuine hurt over what had become of her. I couldn’t and I still will never be able to understand it. She was a part of the blame that tore my family apart. She didn’t bring you back to me after your accident- She told you about your family and even still- She couldn’t take the time to surpass the pettiness or shame or whatever she had been feeling and called me, or the hospital, or Tyrese or somebody that could have come to get you. That could bring you home. To your family. To me. And every part of me resents her for that. I hate her. She tried to kill me, to kill our child and still, still you defended her to the last uttered word of our conversation.
And then you pleaded to forbid me to have children with him. Fear and confusion transformed to bitterness and spite. I had never, within our marriage, felt so accused of a crime I hadn't yet committed. Although we are together currently I can't understand where you had gathered the impression before you left or the information at your return. Did you ever think there was a time you couldn't trust me? Trust us? He had hardly been with us a month and yet... Did you suspect me to have relations with him because he had asked me to help build his new business? Did you think I was cheating? There was nothing but the buds of friendship - something I'd have thought you would be excited to find but you were seldom there. How could you have known a spark would flash between us in the following months you had left? I couldn't stop reminding myself how long I waited, how long I begged, for you.
I wanted to tell you I loved you and that I was sorry for what I was about to hand you. It was never easy to come to this decision. But that I couldn’t carry on with whatever this had become. It wasn’t fair to Tyrese and it wouldn’t be fair to you to play some middle man that wanted to pretend the world was on pause just for her.
I want a divorce.
“And I’ve never seen you be such a cold hearted b***h.”
I want an out.
“Papers say, you’re my wife.”
I want it to stop.
“... Bree Bird…”
My life has never been hard aside from these past few years - I have the privilege of saying that. But I had to draw a line for myself that was invisible to the both of us. I had to stop this never ending cycle of torment I’ve become too familiar with. And if you were to wonder- Of course this has been hard for me. Of course I wanted to think you were coming back. Of course I wanted to think there was some way to fix this back then. Then there were times I wanted to take my life. Times I didn’t foresee myself living past with your absence. Hours, days I spent crying against your clothing because I couldn’t stand the emotion our house brought with it. Yet there I would have to remain on those sleepless nights. I had to grow past that to find there was more to life than what I let myself be distraught over. I had simply forgotten:
Time would have to continue and that would mean with it, so would I.
And if hating me is what it will become then that will have to be.
☾ Aubrey Clark ☽
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⊙〖 вяєє cℓαяк's םιαяч 〗⊙
