Forgiveness...

[Jao Feng]

.n. I'm really sorry if this comes off as a jumbled mess. I have things going through my head with seemingly no resolution. I just want to know if it's normal to forgive easily...

I was sexually abused as a child, by a babysitters son. Just think of all the cliches when you leave a stupid five year old girl with a sixteen year old boy, and you've got my story. For years, I suppressed those memories, and for a while forgot it had even happened.

When I was fifteen, my sister told me what happened to her, and I tried to remember and gradually began to also. I wish we never had that conversation, but that's aside.. I'm at a standpoint. It's been four years. At first, I was angry and confused at myself. Like, how could I forget that? Why didn't I tell anything? I was so demure as a child, you could beat me and I wouldn't tell a living soul. I felt disgusting. Didn't want to live with myself. I wanted to kill myself, and start over with a fresh slate. I tried. I failed. I became a troublemaker.... etc.

I've seen anger at abuse destroy people. I've heard of people living their entire lives angry, and alone and miserable. I was all of those for sometime... then I realized one day. It's in the past. I don't care. Maybe I'm so desensitized from all those years? After all, I'm nineteen now.

And it's like... I can't be angry with him. He was mentally ill, he came from a lousy family. God knows why my mom left me there. I don't feel angry at him. It's like I've forgiven him, and I'm angry at her. She didn't work. She just passed us on to that babysitter. I dunno. I feel stupid that I can't be angry.  

[TulipMeows]

Don't feel stupid for not being angry. There can be many reasons you feel that way. Sometimes it's easier to be mad at people you see more often because it gets it out of your system, which could be why youre so mad at your mom and not the boy. I dont know for sure of course, im not a psychiatrist and i havent been in your situation. But that's something I've been told before in another situation. I'm sorry you went through that hun, i wish i could make you feel better! but dont feel bad for how you feel okay?  

[Miss_XxAriaxX]

Jao Feng

.n. I'm really sorry if this comes off as a jumbled mess. I have things going through my head with seemingly no resolution. I just want to know if it's normal to forgive easily...

I was sexually abused as a child, by a babysitters son. Just think of all the cliches when you leave a stupid five year old girl with a sixteen year old boy, and you've got my story. For years, I suppressed those memories, and for a while forgot it had even happened.

When I was fifteen, my sister told me what happened to her, and I tried to remember and gradually began to also. I wish we never had that conversation, but that's aside.. I'm at a standpoint. It's been four years. At first, I was angry and confused at myself. Like, how could I forget that? Why didn't I tell anything? I was so demure as a child, you could beat me and I wouldn't tell a living soul. I felt disgusting. Didn't want to live with myself. I wanted to kill myself, and start over with a fresh slate. I tried. I failed. I became a troublemaker.... etc.

I've seen anger at abuse destroy people. I've heard of people living their entire lives angry, and alone and miserable. I was all of those for sometime... then I realized one day. It's in the past. I don't care. Maybe I'm so desensitized from all those years? After all, I'm nineteen now.

And it's like... I can't be angry with him. He was mentally ill, he came from a lousy family. God knows why my mom left me there. I don't feel angry at him. It's like I've forgiven him, and I'm angry at her. She didn't work. She just passed us on to that babysitter. I dunno. I feel stupid that I can't be angry.

Forgiveness is a choice. I don't find it not normal that you want to forgive him. Some people might never forgive, others take some time. Every one is different.
Don't blame yourself. What was done is done. Cannot change the past.

If you have suicidal thoughts again, you should seek professional help.

Talking to someone that you trust, like your sister, can also help.

When I cannot find a solution to my issue I try to search online for articles and open forum... Even youtube videos can help !

It's a bit hard for me to give you advice because I've not been in that situation before.  

[Jao Feng]

Ryaly

Don't feel stupid for not being angry. There can be many reasons you feel that way. Sometimes it's easier to be mad at people you see more often because it gets it out of your system, which could be why youre so mad at your mom and not the boy. I dont know for sure of course, im not a psychiatrist and i havent been in your situation. But that's something I've been told before in another situation. I'm sorry you went through that hun, i wish i could make you feel better! but dont feel bad for how you feel okay?

I suppose you're right. I guess I never thought of it that way. Thank you for responding~  

[TulipMeows]

Jao Feng

Ryaly

Don't feel stupid for not being angry. There can be many reasons you feel that way. Sometimes it's easier to be mad at people you see more often because it gets it out of your system, which could be why youre so mad at your mom and not the boy. I dont know for sure of course, im not a psychiatrist and i havent been in your situation. But that's something I've been told before in another situation. I'm sorry you went through that hun, i wish i could make you feel better! but dont feel bad for how you feel okay?

I suppose you're right. I guess I never thought of it that way. Thank you for responding~

No problem! I hope you find your bliss emotion_bigheart