My gf and I broke off the engagement because I am no where near ready to get married. She's gun-ho about getting hitched and having kids and it's my fault for stalling and not wanting kids preventing her happiness. We've had various fights mostly about how I can't do s**t or don't want to and how I give up too quickly.
So last night.
It's bad outside and I mean bad. Snow all over, high wind, cold. I didn't want to spend too much time driving. I got her from work and we went back home. Everything's fine and I'm pretty tired at this point. It's midnight by the time we got back. I'm on the verge of passing out by the time 1 am comes passing by. I've been in bed for almost an hour at this point playing ds. So I get done finishing a dungeon and want to sleep. It's 130 and I'm 99% asleep when my gf gets off the computer and says, "I'm bored. I want to go to walmart to get that game." I'm ornery because I'm tired. The game is Majora's Mask for 3ds and it's been sold out for awhile now. I didn't want to waste my gas only to come back... In a snowstorm. "No," I say. "I'm tired." She pouts. "I'll drive." "It's bad outside. No." She starts getting whiney. "Please." "No!" She gives up and climbs onto the bed and starts messing around with me. Yes... That messing around. Despite feeling my temper rise, I managed to keep my cool. "No," I say. She is pissed. "You're mean!" she cries. "You don't let me do anything!" And she goes back onto her computer. Later she goes on her ds and buys the damn game on e-shop. I do mess around with her when she's sleepy, too, but within reason. I stop when she doesn't want it and don't get pissy. Honestly, it's the only way I can get some these days...
This morning, she's still pissed at me after I, even though I really didn't want to, apologized last night. I had been up for about an hour trying to get the fish filter to work.
"So you didn't get me pizza?" she asks. I was taken off guard because we talked about pizza days ago. "No?" I said. "I thought you were sorry." At that moment, I felt my temper rise again and swallowed it back down. "I am sorry," I say. "Do you want me to order it now?" "No... I won't have time to eat it." It's around 1245 and she works at 3. So I left like whatever and went into the living room.
The last fight we had was about how I give up too quickly and constantly use the "I don't want to make you mad" excuse. I lost my temper because: -I sat in a cold car in -30 windchill for 45min waiting for her to get done with work. -She was pissy from working. -Tired/Stressed
When I get to a point of loosing my temper, I say and do things on impulse. In this case, I was boiling and wanted to get back to my homework to cool down and she antagonized me further to a point where I ended the argument with, "Go ******** yourself". She locked the bedroom that had my school bags and wallet and would not allow me to get any of it. I couldn't go to school or leave the house period. I didn't go to school the next day because I was up until 4am trying to explain myself. But it's okay for her to take her anger out on me...
I can't talk to anyone in my household about this. I would be the one in trouble as I am "forcing a divide to choose between one or the other and would always choose the one regardless". So I am trapped. Anything I say... Anything I do... Is my fault even if I didn't do it at all. I tried explaining this to my gf that this is how I feel and I get tagged with, "You're so selfish. You think the world revolves around you. Do you know what I've sacrificed for you?"
What she has sacrificed for me: -A normal social life, but that's mostly because she can't drive -Various royalties such as talking on skype at 2am, which I wake up to more than she knows. -Going on rollercoasters because I don't like them at all -Seafood. I don't like crab/lobster -Going out. Like clubs and s**t. It's not my thing. -Kids. Maybe in the near and distant future, but kids and I don't get along. -Marriage. I'm not ready nor like the idea.
It's my fault she can't be happy, but I also blame myself for this as well. I wish I was more outgoing, but the things I like to do she wouldn't even consider, like hiking and camping. I like active things not booze induced. I grew up in the woods, so it's comfy for me to be in them.
What I've sacrificed for her: -School. I dropped everything to move half way across the states for her. I am currently in school now, but that's under attack with my "selfish" behaviour of choosing to go to school and getting my dream job versus getting three jobs I hate and working those for the rest of my life because dream jobs don't exist. Her words. -Friends. I left all of my former college friends behind. I made new one's and they are awesome art nerds like me smile -Family. My family is horseshit anyway, but my mother and gf don't get a long at all. It is better that I am away from them as they are waaaaay toxic. -My job. It was a school job, but it would have helped me so much later in life. I was a personal assistant for the director of information at the school I was attending. With a letter of recommendation from him would have possibly secured me a decent job at another school or job-job. -Myself. The person who I was and am now are different people, some good, but mostly bad. I've had to change so much that I don't know who I am anymore.
To make myself feel good, yes, I think I've sacrificed more for this relationship, but I dunno. I'm getting tired of all of this and the friends I have who do know what's going on are so fed up with my gf that they'd personally rip her a new a*****e. We've been together for four years and these last two have been hell. Two years ago, we started living together and since then, it's been downhill.
Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2015 5:43 pm
*hugs tightly* sorry to hear about that sad sounds like everything is still toxic for you...and i'm sorry but the things she has to sacrifice, some of them seem laughable...she can go on roller coasters by her self, and no ones making her not eat sea food, and heaven forbid if she can't do booze activities and save her liver the trouble later on *shakes head* and you're supposedly the selfish one, how can one be selfish, when one wants to further their dreams, get a good job and be able to support her butt and the kids she wants, which is funny cause kids have a tendency to be "selfish" too, seeing as how they need love, care, nourishment and such, she'd probably find all that needy heh sorry...people like that *shakes head* just makes me sad that she's killing your spirit and has no care of doing so sad I really do think you should find someone to stay with and remove yourself from the toxicity of the environment you're in because clearly no one there gives two figs about you and seem to pin all of her unhappiness on you and treat her like a snotty princess *shakes head again* sorry, really >.< i am, guess i just want more for a fellow human being then what they have...
yea... that's another story xD to sum it up, last semester i had some very irrational thoughts about the sculpture model. I get very stupid around attractive girls. [She has a perfectly proportional face emotion_drool] it got to a point where i can't stop thinking about her even well after class ended. there was something about her that threw me for a loop. the second to last time i saw her, omg... im so glad i wasn't a guy otherwise id have had some issues. that's how irrational i was being lol. no, i've never felt this strongly for someone. the last time i can remember something similar happening was when i fell for my best friend. there's another chick in my class who likes so much i do, but i feel absolutely nothing for her. she's straight... and my gaydar is being weird. so i have no ******** clue if the model was or not. i do know where she works and such, but its the idea if i see her again, id go ape s**t.
Waitingforwings6
*hugs tightly* sorry to hear about that sad sounds like everything is still toxic for you...and i'm sorry but the things she has to sacrifice, some of them seem laughable...she can go on roller coasters by her self, and no ones making her not eat sea food, and heaven forbid if she can't do booze activities and save her liver the trouble later on *shakes head* and you're supposedly the selfish one, how can one be selfish, when one wants to further their dreams, get a good job and be able to support her butt and the kids she wants, which is funny cause kids have a tendency to be "selfish" too, seeing as how they need love, care, nourishment and such, she'd probably find all that needy heh sorry...people like that *shakes head* just makes me sad that she's killing your spirit and has no care of doing so sad I really do think you should find someone to stay with and remove yourself from the toxicity of the environment you're in because clearly no one there gives two figs about you and seem to pin all of her unhappiness on you and treat her like a snotty princess *shakes head again* sorry, really >.< i am, guess i just want more for a fellow human being then what they have...
Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 8:00 am
ADSOC
hmm well if that's the case, I think that tells you right there that the situation you're in now is not ideal...I dunno maybe I am a romantic, but I feel if you've found the one you truly love, no other would turn your head so much...though I suppose if your looking and not touching *shrugs* with all you have said, I feel no love in your words, the only spark I see is when you talked about the model, though with her, you may know where she works n all but don't get silly stupid and stalk her lol just take care of you first in this case smile get yourself situated in life and then pursue love, for then maybe you'll have found someone who truly accepts you for all that you are and all that you have accomplished, and will be proud of you smile again what can I say I'm such a romantic lol even though I have no hope in my own love life heh heh sweatdrop
and that's what i don't understand to this day. i went on a dream journey to find the person im supposed to me with and it is my current gf no mistakes. then when she and i were having problems, i went on another and saw the model. i was so freaked out when she walked into that door and just thought, "wow, fate.. you're a wonderful d**k." oh no. if u believe in such, fate has been trying to tell me that i don't belong here. too many problems since i moved to nys.
no im not about to stalk her. im probably just gonna leave it alone because im pretty sure she's straight... then again maybe not >_< its not something i go up to some random chick and say, "got gay?" http://elementchaostwister.deviantart.com/journal/CWM-End-of-Semester-501036008
this explains it all and why im so confused
Waitingforwings6
hmm well if that's the case, I think that tells you right there that the situation you're in now is not ideal...I dunno maybe I am a romantic, but I feel if you've found the one you truly love, no other would turn your head so much...though I suppose if your looking and not touching *shrugs* with all you have said, I feel no love in your words, the only spark I see is when you talked about the model, though with her, you may know where she works n all but don't get silly stupid and stalk her lol just take care of you first in this case smile get yourself situated in life and then pursue love, for then maybe you'll have found someone who truly accepts you for all that you are and all that you have accomplished, and will be proud of you smile again what can I say I'm such a romantic lol even though I have no hope in my own love life heh heh sweatdrop
Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 12:46 pm
ADSOC
heh I said to my ex very early this morning "I'm not sure what fates doing here...but it has the most twisted sense of dark humor" you see about a month ago he came out of no where, after about two years or more of silence...at that time he failed to mention he was engaged...not that it'd matter one way or the other, what once was will never be again, lest we start over from near scratch...anyway after those few encounters he went silent again till early this morning, that's when he told me he was engaged. Now this is where fate kicks in...he and I are tied...he felt it first, I felt it most after our first go round, but since then it seems he comes back time and time again...I don't know how we are tied or why we are, he won't let me fully in, but this time around I'm going to get in...this is fate at work and I'm not going to give up...sorry just thought I'd give another story about fate and how it works...perhaps it brought to the state you're in to bring you to where you're supposed to go? Transitioning from one moment to you destined moment?
ah yes. i know of someone who went through something similar. she ended up getting knocked up by him and i ended up with a niece.
my path has been laid out for me via a good friend of mine who saw much farther into my future. my purpose in life is to help others. she was the one who warned me of turmoil in the relationship and i've drawn my own [accurate] guesses along the way. basically, what was will never be as my gf ******** s**t up with her childlike behaviour and lack of maturity. i end it all and end up moving in with her back in minnesota. i will be a wreak to a point where id be figuratively broken and have to find myself in the rubble. from there ill get my degree in art therapy and move to, what i think, accommodate my career. i dunno where this place is, but hopefully somewhere in the pacific northwest smile then i will be entered into greatness.
the main thing i keep coming back to is the last question i asked my friend. "Does someone else cause this... Someone on the outside?" Her response, "Yes." every time i think i know who it is turns out not to be, so i have to sit and wait. -sigh- and then i go back to her... and the curiosity.
i believe that there is a reason for meeting people and i don't have the slightest clue as to what she is to me. that's the part that pisses me off more so because i cant pursue this curiosity.
as jack sparrow said, "One word love: curiosity. You long for freedom. You long to do what you want to do because you want it. To act on selfish impulse. You want to see what it's like. One day, you won't be able to resist."
Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 7:17 pm
ADSOC
ahh, so this is the path for seen for you...interesting. well if the path you are on leads to greatness whose to push you off it...just know there are different paths to the same location *shrugs* and perhaps in order to find out who she is to you, you have to pursue her further, maybe she's the one to lead you to someone new, someone better? or something better? either way, keep in touch with your intuitive side and block out the adult child who is buzzing in your ear...sorry, i have never met your girl friend, i shouldn't be so harsh...but the way you describe her, there's no real happiness in it >.< i do hope light is shed on to a better opportunity for you though smile
yup. ive compared paths to blood veins. xD i'm beginning to wonder if thats why she was so persistent. it's quite alright. the few people who have met her have all said the same thing. my former roommates got so mad at her for complaining so often about nothing.
Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2015 7:56 pm
ADSOC
eesh >.< yea I probably would of been one of them complaining lol and comparing paths to blood veins? how does that work, if i may ask?
as in there are many other paths a person can take such as many veins that stem off an artery.
Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2015 6:49 am
ADSOC
Waitingforwings6
as in there are many other paths a person can take such as many veins that stem off an artery.
Ahh, well there you have it then smile all veins flow blood to the heart some how or another, so maybe it's time to choose a new path smile I am sure someone out there is willing to give you a leg up!
Waitingforwings6
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Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 5:42 pm
I'm sorry your having such a tough time. Your gf sounds like a selfish b!tch. I hope things improve for you.
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