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Dear Gaian members of this thread,
I decided I want to talk about it somewhere. I'm 25, a more than grown up adult when you look at my age, but inside me really I'm still growing mentally.
I sometimes think of the past, some flashback. I talked about it here already.
I think it's easier for me to share it to strangers on a online community, people can read, and leave no comments if they have nothing to say, they can say harsh things if they want.
It hurts more when it"s people that I love, that I care that judge me. I don't want to share this to my friends. A embarasing, powerless past of mine. I've talked about this with my friends without saying what happened with my dad so they don't know where my trauma comes from.
My dad was often not at home. He go to work a typical 8am to 4pm job, but I remember he said he worked overtime. My mom often tell me that my dad was not a good husband that would watch over kids or help my mom in house chores.
Anyways, I'll skip what he did wrong to my mom that also had a bad impact on my thinking till I was around 20 or a bit more.
So, when I was young I liked my dad. I liked to play, spend time with him.
I was maybe 13-14-15 ? One day he told me to try pants that he bought for me. So, I did. He told me to come closer so he can look. So, I did. And he touched my pubic area. I was shocked and ran away. I never told anyone, I never told the cops. No witness.
I repressed (suppress) this memory for a long time.
Also, one day when we went to buy groceries. I would naturally walk next to the him pushing the trolley and he would touch my boobs and put back his hand on the trolley. It happened a few times so I believe he did on purpose. So I decided to not go shopping with him anymore. I also repressed this memory, but knew I will not go groceries shopping anymore.
Then, I realize one day that he would peak in when i change clothes. So, I had my bedroom door changed so it could lock.
Again it was hard to give proof of that and I never talked about it.
With all that and how he treated my mom that I did not detailed here, I was disgusted of men for a long time. I am not lesbian so I was like hate + love it was weird. I hated perverts. I did not want to wear tight and short clothes even if it was hot to avoid perverts looking at me.
I told to myself never love, I'll stay alone.
I had nightmares of someone touching me and holding my body when I wake up there will be no one. So I don't know if he touched me when I slept or it was only nightmares. I guess not. Because even after my parents divorced I still have thoses nigthmares.
Everytime I read shared stories of people who were molested, raped, sexually assaulted I feel so bad for them. Sometimes, I thought why they couldn't TELL why they couldn't ASK for help ? Then I realized. I myself repressed my memories. I understand them, but I regret not telling when it happened because he is such a bad man and must be punished.
To all girls, whatever it happens to you that you feel it is wrong. Tell someone before it's too late that it happened YEARS ago and that there is no proof. That maybe the perpetrator forgot, but you the victim remembers.
Just a note that now I am not hating ALL MEN of the world. I know there are good people out there women or men, and that I am not cutting the possibility of falling in love and be in a relationship.
Also, I decided that if I am in a relationship that is serious I want to tell my partner about this so he could understand some things about me.
Thank you for reading.
I know there's a lot of Gaians that post their painful experience of rape and sexual assault here. I am wishing you courage, healing, and love.
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