To be found again?

[trishbin]

I once was lost and found, but it has come to a point where I've become so lost again that I do not know what to do.

My testimony will be said at another time, when I'm more comfortable, but I'm just stuck.

I honestly don't even know where to begin, because there's so much to type...but if I don't type everything here then people will think "Then how are we supposed to help this wretched soul?"...BUT YOU SEE, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING!

How is anyone going to help? I believe there's no way.

You see, the issue that lies here is this.
I am afraid to go back to God. I tried to go back to him at the start of December '15 and I never heard from God. I never got a response, or so I thought at the time. I mean, I still don't think I did....but anyway.

Er, the point of this.. - Sorry, I tend to lose my train of thought, rather easily.
Um, so..yes. Okay, I went to Him in December, to the point of being on my knees and crying/screaming into pillows...at Him, and nothing.

So, things have just continued going downhill.
I'm now at a point where I do not feel worthy of even going to Him anymore; I'm a pathetic fool who's so unworthy of his love, grace, care...all that jazz, you guys.
I'm so unworthy.... So fricking unworthy.
What gives me the right to go to Him?
Yes He's given us freedom, but... - I just, can't.

I'm at my lowest point...
.... Now, I'm ending it here.
I'm not much of a typer, I'm more of a Skyper.
I'd rather physically talk about this, than type.

So here is my Skype..... >>trishcogu<<  

[cristobela]

weeabutt

I once was lost and found, but it has come to a point where I've become so lost again that I do not know what to do.

My testimony will be said at another time, when I'm more comfortable, but I'm just stuck.

I honestly don't even know where to begin, because there's so much to type...but if I don't type everything here then people will think "Then how are we supposed to help this wretched soul?"...BUT YOU SEE, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M THINKING!

How is anyone going to help? I believe there's no way.

You see, the issue that lies here is this.
I am afraid to go back to God. I tried to go back to him at the start of December '15 and I never heard from God. I never got a response, or so I thought at the time. I mean, I still don't think I did....but anyway.

Er, the point of this.. - Sorry, I tend to lose my train of thought, rather easily.
Um, so..yes. Okay, I went to Him in December, to the point of being on my knees and crying/screaming into pillows...at Him, and nothing.

So, things have just continued going downhill.
I'm now at a point where I do not feel worthy of even going to Him anymore; I'm a pathetic fool who's so unworthy of his love, grace, care...all that jazz, you guys.
I'm so unworthy.... So fricking unworthy.
What gives me the right to go to Him?
Yes He's given us freedom, but... - I just, can't.

I'm at my lowest point...
.... Now, I'm ending it here.
I'm not much of a typer, I'm more of a Skyper.
I'd rather physically talk about this, than type.

So here is my Skype..... >>trishcogu<<

Whether someone has already contacted you over skype or not, I'll leave a reply with some verses in case it is of help to you or someone else:


Forgiveness

If you believe that God isn't a liar, then trust in what he promised:

• 1 John 1:9 (NIV)
  
  9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
  
  
• Leviticus 5:5 (NIV)
  
  5 when anyone becomes aware that they are guilty in any of these matters, they must confess in what way they have sinned. 6 As a penalty for the sin they have committed, they must bring to the Lord a female lamb or goat from the flock as a sin offering[a]; and the priest shall make atonement for them for their sin.
  
  Footnotes:
  
  a. Leviticus 5:6 Or purification offering; here and throughout this chapter
  
  
  
• 2 Chronicles 7:14 (NIV)
  
  14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
  

Forgiveness is guaranteed if you do three things:

(1) sincerely confess / admit to God how exactly you have transgressed against him and his creation, fully acknowledging it was wrong of you to think, say, or do it, that it was wrong to have that interaction with his creation or have that intention in your heart.

(2) Leave that sin behind / turn away from your wicked way—what he, in his word, calls wicked. If you turn away from sin, then He'll forgive you.

(3) have your sins atoned for by the appropriate atonement sacrifice (in this case Jesus).

Having done that, all should be well. But if any of these three things are not true of you, then you won't have peace but be distant from God.



Feeling of Separation

Unless we're a blameless Job, then what makes us feel separated from God is sin. So the sooner you turn away from the wickedness the better.

Doing things he doesn't like, interacting with his creations in ways he finds detestable (or speaking about him in ways he finds detestable/false), will drive God away from us / make his face turn away / give us the cold shoulder. It's just like any other relationship you have with people (if you do things they don't like, cheat on them, or speak falsely about them, and you won't admit that it was wrong to do, then don't be surprised if they stay mad at you and stop communicating or even hanging out).

• Deuteronomy 31:18 (NIV)
  
  18 And I will certainly hide my face in that day because of all their wickedness in turning to other gods.
  
  
  
• Ezekiel 13:8 (NIV)
  
  8 “‘Therefore this is what the Sovereign Lord says: Because of your false words and lying visions, I am against you, declares the Sovereign Lord.
  
  
  
• Proverbs 12:22 (NIV)
  
  22 The Lord detests lying lips,
      but he delights in people who are trustworthy.
  
  
  
• Isaiah 59:2 (NIV)
  
  2 But your iniquities have separated
      you from your God;
  your sins have hidden his face from you,
      so that he will not hear.
  
  
  
• Jeremiah 11:10-11 (NIV)
  
  10 They have returned to the sins of their ancestors, who refused to listen to my words. They have followed other gods to serve them. Both Israel and Judah have broken the covenant I made with their ancestors. 11 Therefore this is what the Lord says: ‘I will bring on them a disaster they cannot escape. Although they cry out to me, I will not listen to them.
  
  
  
• John 9:31 (NIV)
  
  31 We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will.
  
  
  
• Psalm 40:8 (NIV)
  
  8 I desire to do your will, my God;
        your law is within my heart.”
  
  
  
• 1 John 3:4 (NIV)
  
  4 Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness.
  
  
  
• Psalm 66:18 (NIV)
  
  18 If I had cherished sin in my heart,
      the Lord would not have listened;

So, what is in your heart? Sin? or God's will (his commands, his laws, what he delights in)? What is your heart desiring to do? What are you feeding your mind with? Sinful thoughts? Or thoughts that agree with his commands? And what are you voicing? God will only listen to us if what we're saying or asking for is in agreement with him; so unless our voice is expressing agreement with him or that we're turning away from what offends him and are now seeking to be in agreement with him, he will not listen.



How to Draw Near to God

The solution is to turn away from whatever God hates (a.k.a. sin, transgressions of his commands, any expression of infidelity against him and honoring of other gods, etc). Once you draw near, rectifying the offense in the relationship, God will draw near to you in return and communication will be open.

• James 4:8 (NIV)
  
  8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
  
  
  
• Isaiah 1:16 (NIV)
  
  16 Wash and make yourselves clean.
        Take your evil deeds out of my sight;
        stop doing wrong.
  
  
  
• 2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)
  
  7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
  
  
  
• Deuteronomy 4:30 (NIV)
  
  30 When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him.
  
  
  
• Lamentations 3:39-44 (NIV)
  
  39 Why should the living complain
      when punished for their sins?
  
  40 Let us examine our ways and test them,
      and let us return to the Lord.
  41 Let us lift up our hearts and our hands
      to God in heaven, and say:
  42 “We have sinned and rebelled
      and you have not forgiven.
  43 “You have covered yourself with anger and pursued us;
      you have slain without pity.
  44 You have covered yourself with a cloud
      so that no prayer can get through.
  
  
  
• Isaiah 55:7 (NIV)
  
  7 Let the wicked forsake their ways
      and the unrighteous their thoughts.
  Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
      and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

In order to know what he likes or dislikes—what he considers righteous or wicked, so that you can turn away from wicked ways and unrighteous thoughts—you need to read his Covenant (and the commands it contains). Then you'll know what to turn away from.



Hiding is Futile

Right now, you're reacting like Adam and Eve: too ashamed to even face God after they sinned (a.k.a. went against his instructions for how to interact with his creation):

• Genesis 3:7-8 (NIV)
  
  7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
  
  8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.
  

But realize he's your only solution and source of protection. Hiding won't solve anything (and you're not hiding; he already sees you and knows what you've done).

• Jeremiah 23:24 (NIV)
  
  24 Who can hide in secret places
      so that I cannot see them?”
          declares the Lord.
      “Do not I fill heaven and earth?”
          declares the Lord.
  
  
  
• Psalm 139:7-8 (NIV)
  
  7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
      Where can I flee from your presence?
  8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
      if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
  
  
  
• Matthew 9:13 (NIV)
  
  13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’[a] For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
  
  Footnotes:
  
  a. Matthew 9:13 Hosea 6:6
  
  
  
• 1 John 2:1 (NIV)
  
  2 My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.

So, since you can't really hide from him, and he's calling you to forgive you, just run to him. Hiding is useless and a waste of time. Confess your sin and he'll forgive you. To use an analogy: your sin tightens the valve to that running water until it shuts off, but as soon as you repent of them, that valve opens up again.



Feelings of Unworthiness

Obviously if someone is seeking God for forgiveness in the first place, then they have offended God, whether it be a small offense or a severe offense. The only unforgivable sin(s) I've come across in scripture are:

1. Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit.

• Matthew 12:31 (NIV)
  
  31 And so I tell you, every kind of sin and slander can be forgiven, but blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.

2. Being fully convicted that God hates something, but you defiantly go ahead and do it, rejoicing in it:

• Hebrews 10:26-27 (NIV)
  
  26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God.
  
  
• Deuteronomy 29:19-20 (NIV)
  
  19 When such a person hears the words of this oath and they invoke a blessing on themselves, thinking, “I will be safe, even though I persist in going my own way,” they will bring disaster on the watered land as well as the dry. 20 The Lord will never be willing to forgive them; his wrath and zeal will burn against them. All the curses written in this book will fall on them, and the Lord will blot out their names from under heaven.

This doesn't really sound like you, since you're not delighting in sin but are grieved over it (nor thinking good things will come to you despite rejecting his way). You're not beyond forgiveness. So, no matter what you did (whether you caused the death of many innocent people due to a lie, or a murderous rampage, or what have you) just confess it. Someone who murdered another person (or millions of people) is just as unworthy as someone who told a white lie or shop lifted, and yet all must come to God and confess their sins to be forgiven.



Blind Spot

Since you mentioned December, I'll bring this up: a commonly glossed over sin is the Christmas observance. Everything about it, from the customs (which give honor to other gods) down to the date (which implies that Jesus was born in December contrary to the Gospel information describing the night of his birth) lies about what our God commanded (to be truthful witnesses and not adopt the spiritual ways of the nations; we cannot use half-truths/lies to worship him, thus we can't use the customs of their idolatrous myths or give off the appearance that we celebrate/worship the same one if they don't submit to his commands). I'll link to a reply I left in KawaiiDandere's thread explaining the commands beings violated: [link].

That said, pray for God to open your eyes and give you discernment about what needs repenting from in your life. Then honestly analyze what you've been giving honor to and who you're aiming to please in your daily decisions (is it God—the biblical God, the Living God, the Holy One of Israel—OR is it demons [evil, unclean spirits] and idols [false concepts of God created by man, even if it comes in the name of Jesus/YHWH]?). If it doesn't agree with God's commands—be it an unclean action, unclean thought, or an unclean attitude—then you need to turn away from it. You won't have peace otherwise.

• Psalm 119:165 (NIV)
  
  165 Great peace have those who love your law,
      and nothing can make them stumble.
  
  
  
• Isaiah 48:22 (NIV)
  
  22 “There is no peace,” says the Lord, “for the wicked.”
  
  
  
• Nehemiah 1:7 (NIV)
  
  7 We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses.
  
  
  
• 2 Timothy 2:19 (NIV)
  
  19 Nevertheless, God’s solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: “The Lord knows those who are his,” and, “Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness.”
  
  
  
• Matthew 23:1-3 (NIV)
  
  23 Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples: 2 “The teachers of the law and the Pharisees sit in Moses’ seat. 3 So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach.
  
  
  
• Exodus 18:13-16 (NIV)
  
  13 The next day Moses took his seat to serve as judge for the people, and they stood around him from morning till evening. 14 When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he said, “What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?”
  
  15 Moses answered him, “Because the people come to me to seek God’s will. 16 Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God’s decrees and instructions.”

In short:

1. Confess your sin(s).

2. Turn away (repent) from your wicked ways (be it murder [harboring malicious feelings towards others], adultery [infidelity in body, mind, and emotion], lying [hiding the truth, not being honest], lack of trust in God and doubting his ways, or honoring other gods—whatever you've done to ruin your relationship with him, whatever commandment/instruction of his you've broken—turn away from it).

Otherwise, there will be no peace and he will be far from you.

Such terms as “worthy” don't apply and will never apply to people who have committed sin. By definition if you're seeking forgiveness, then you have done something wrong—be it a big or small offense. Those who've done wrong / commit sin don't merit forgiveness. But if we seek to turn away from our sins / transgressions of the law, sincerely, then he grants us that forgiveness.

---

For the record: like I mentioned above, and I probably don't need to explain this to you specifically, but “confessing sin” and “repentance from wicked ways” is only 2/3rds of the equation. An atonement sacrifice (a perfect/without-defect, substitute dying in our place) would be offered along with one's confession of sin (and in cases like theft, restitution would be paid to the wronged party). Jesus is that atonement sacrifice for us. In the Old Testament, they would get credit for complying with the animal sacrifices that prophesied about Jesus' atonement sacrifice, though their sins weren't really being atoned for by the animals. So if you've accepted Jesus, then confession and turning away from sin is the only other part left to do to have open communication with God and be forgiven. Like I said above, if one of the three is missing (confession of sins, repentance from wicked ways, and an atonement sacrifice), then you won't have peace.

A note about sins like theft: restitution [returning the item] + adding 1/5th of the items' value should be made because it helps repair the relationship with the person you wronged; instead of being robbed, they're receiving an increase. Instead of feeling hateful towards you and wronged by you, they're now feeling grateful and in debt to you because you gave more than what you stole in the first place).

• Numbers 5:6-7 (NIV)
  
  6 “Say to the Israelites: ‘Any man or woman who wrongs another in any way[a] and so is unfaithful to the Lord is guilty 7 and must confess the sin they have committed. They must make full restitution for the wrong they have done, add a fifth of the value to it and give it all to the person they have wronged.
  
  Footnotes:
  
  a. Numbers 5:6 Or woman who commits any wrong common to mankind
  
  
  
• Exodus 22:3 (NIV)
  
  3 but if it happens after sunrise, the defender is guilty of bloodshed. “Anyone who steals must certainly make restitution, but if they have nothing, they must be sold to pay for their theft.

However, if you can't pay, I don't think you'd be sold off as a slave because Jesus died to release us from the debts we couldn't pay off and release us from slavery. (Under Gentile government, instead of being sold as a slave, you'd probably serve jail time in return a.k.a. be sold as a slave to the state. Did the crime, do the time.)

As you read the commands of God, and pray for discernment to understand them, and repent from what is wrong, you'll have peace and uninhibited communion with God. Ask, seek, knock when it comes to finding him and seeking his face. You will receive, you will find, and the door will be opened to you. He won't ignore you if you're sincere about agreeing with him.

Peace unto you, in Jesus' name. heart