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H'okay. So. STORY TIME!!! Whooo! So this is the story of "THE THREE DUMBASS PIGS" Awwww yisssss...

SO. Once upon a time (like ya do) there were three dumbass pigs: one was a HUGE dumbass, one was a dumbass and one was kind of a dumbass. So the three dumbass pigs decide to build themselves a house. Why the hell a PIG needs a house is beyond me but whatever. So the HUGE dumbass pig builds his house out of straw 'cuz it was the first thing he found lying around, so why not? ANYWAY. So the HUGE dumbass pig is sitting in his house, pickin' his nose, although when I say "sitting in his house", I mean he was sitting under a pile of straw. He was still pickin' his nose though. SO a wolf was wandering around and feeling kind of hungry. He says to himself, "Damn! I wish there was some retarded animal sitting around pickin' his nose so I could EAT him..." And then he notices a pile of straw with a mailbox in front and laughs. "What a stupid looking house! I bet I could knock it over with a FART!" So he turns around, points his a** towards the pile of straw/house, takes a deep breath and blows a thunderous fart! Not only does this blow all the straw way, but the horrifying stentch chokes the HUGE dumbass pig, killing him instantly. Well! It was a rather pleasant surprise for the wolf! Not one to let a free meal go to waste, the wolf devours the pig like it was goin' out of style. Later, the CSI unit comes to investigate the crime scene only to find a pile of straw, some pig's blood, wolf prints and a horrifying stench. "Well, either some furries were performing some satanic ritual with pig's blood and swamp gas, or some wolf found a dumbass pig and ate it." "I'm thinking it was the latter." "YUP. Case closed. Let's go get some coffee." "Word." So they went and got some coffee and it was good.

WHERE WAS I?!? Oh yeah...

So the dumbass pig, while not as effin' stupid as the HUGE dumbass pig, is still pretty effin' stupid and he builds his house out of sticks 'cuz it was the first thing he found lying around, so why not? ANYWAY. So the dumbass pig is sitting in his house, diggin' the crap out of his ears, although when I say "sitting in his house", I mean he was sitting under a pile of sticks. He was still diggin' the crap out of his ears though. SO a wolf, in fact the same wolf as before, was wandering around and feeling kind of hungry. He says to himself, "Damn! I wish there was some retarded animal sitting around diggin' the crap out of his ears so I could EAT him... but what are the odds of that happening twice?" And then he notices a pile of sticks with a mailbox in front and laughs. "What a stupid looking house! I bet I could burn it to a crisp with a Blue Jesus!" So he turns around, points his a** towards the pile of sticks/house, pulls out his lighter, takes a deep breath, *flick!* and blows the biggest Blue Jesus you've ever seen! Not only does this burn all the sticks to ash, but the intense fire roasts the dumbass pig, killing him instantly. Well! It was another pleasant surprise for the wolf! "Holy crap! Another retarded pig! And cooked to perfection no less! WHERE'S MY PINEAPPLE!? It's LUAU TIME!!!" Not one to let a free meal go to waste, the wolf devours the pig like a death-row inmate on suicide watch. OM NOM NOM NOM NOM! Later, the CSI unit comes to investigate the crime scene only to find a pile of ash, some pineapple juice, wolf prints and an empty lighter. "Well, either some furries decided to throw a luau in the middle of the forest, or some wolf Blue Jesus'd a dumbass pig and ate it." "I'm thinking it's the latter." "YUP. Case closed. Let's go get some doughnuts." "Word." So they went and got some Boston Cream doughnuts and it was good.

MOVING ALONG!!! -->

So the kind-of-dumbass pig, while not as effin' stupid as the HUGE dumbass pig or the dumbass pig, is still pretty effin' stupid. BUT! He IS smart enough to not try and build his own house. Instead, he piles a bunch of mud, calls up Mike Holmes and lies about how the guy he contracted screwed him over. So Mike, being the saint that he is, tears the b*****d down and builds an effin' sweet house with heated floors and central air and a jaccuzi and marble counters and THE WORKS. This crib be pimpin', yo. So the kind-of-dumbass pig is sitting in his house, scratchin' his nuts, although when I say "sitting in his house", I mean he was sitting in a totally sweet MANSION omg. He was still scratchin' his nuts though. SO a wolf, in fact the same wolf as before and before-before, was wandering around and feeling kind of hungry. He says to himself, "Damn! I wish there was some retarded animal sitting around scratchin' his nuts so I could EAT him... but what are the odds of that happening three times?" And then he notices a friggin' sweet crib and says, "DUDE! Who lives in that sweet house?" So he sneaks up to the designer etched glass windows and takes a peek inside. "WTF!? It's another retarded pig! How the hell did he get such an amazing house?" So he goes up to the door and pushes the doorbell: A few notes of Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" echoes through the house. The pig stops scratchin' his nuts, gets up and waddles to the door. "Yeah? Whaddya want?" The wolf gives the kind-of-dumbass pig a 1000-watt smile and says, "Excuse me, sir! I was just admiring your house and I was wondering who built it?" The pig says in a flat tone, "Mike Holmes." The wolf's eyebrows (such that they are) shoot up in surprise. "Really!" He says, "And how much did that cost you?" The pig says in a totally uninterested tone, "Nothing." The wolf's eyebrows (such that they are) bunch up in a deep frown. He says,

"WHAT." ಠ_ಠ

"Oh yeah!" The kind-of-dumbass pig says, "I piled a bunch of mud, called up Mike Holmes and lied about how the guy I contracted screwed me over. So he built me this house. Pretty sweet, right?" The wolf's eye twitches. "So you mean to tell me that you lied about getting screwed over in order to trick Mike Holmes into building you a house?" The wolf says in a tone reserved for those who are in deep trouble but don't quite realize it yet. The kind-of-dumbass pig, being pretty effin' stupid simply says, "Yeah." The wolf grits his teeth. "So you mean to tell me that you not only wasted Mike Holmes and his crew's time, you also wasted an a**-ton of hard-working tax-payers' money so you could have this house?" The wolf says in an increasingly irate tone through his teeth. The kind-of-dumbass pig, being pretty effin' stupid simply says, "Yeah." The wolf inhales sharply through his nose, causing his nostrils to flare. Then he puts on a saccharine smile and says, "Could you do me a favor? I have something stuck in the back of my throat. Could you take a look and tell me what it is?" The kind-of-dumbass pig, being pretty effin' stupid simply says, "Sure." And sticks his head in the wolf's open jagged-toothed maw: *CRUNCH* The wolf bites down and snaps the kind-of-dumbass pig's neck, killing him instantly. But the wolf had lost his appetite, so being the good Samaritan that he is, he takes the kind-of-dumbass pig's carcass to the butcher, has him turned into sausage, bacon, pork chops and ham, then he cooks it all up, sells it to people like street-meat and gives all the money he earned to a local community center. No CSI unit came this time because no one, not even Mike Holmes knew that the kind-of-dumbass pig owned the house. So the wolf moves in, sits down on his new Italian leather sofa and watches Mythbusters on his 152" plasma tv.

THE END!!!

I love happy endings. <3

4shared is being a t**t. cant download it.
mediafire
mega.co.nz
google drive

google drive worked perfect c:
thanks