A Snake Returns

[Undead Superstar]

The lights in the arena went down as an image of a snake slithering behind a skull appeared on the Titantron. A large crow flew down and landed on top the skull. It faced the camera and let out a loud caw. A moment later and the skull exploded into a mass of colors. All around the arena bright, multicolored lights kicked on and spun around as loud, disco music blared out of the speakers, turning the whole arena into a giant disco club. Out from the back, a large man, barely recognizable in his current outfit emerged. It was Rex Kobra back from wherever he had gone. He was dressed in a faded, wrinkled and dirty white suit that looked like it had leapt out of Saturday Night Fever, into a dumpster and onto Rex. On his feet, Rex wore platform boots and made the 6'8 man even taller. A wide smile hung on his face as he ran a hand through his tell-tale mullet.

With a pronounced spring in his step, he made his way down the ramp, giving fans fist bumps and high-5's as he went. It was like he wasn't himself. He climbed up the steps and moved under the top rope. Once he was in the ring, he started to do a disco dance as the music continued to go., He danced all the way to the far rope where an announcer handed him a microphone. He took it and moved to the center of the ring. The music died down and Kobra did a 360 as he looked out at the crowd.

"Hooooooly Mozzarella," he said, his eyes wide. "It has been a while, hasn't it. Man, I...I can't believe it. You may be wondering why I left. You may be wondering why I come and go faster than a kilo at Charlie Sheen's house. The truth is...I...I don't know man. The last couple years have been weird man. I look back and its all black and white and grainy. Like those bad horror flicks I tried to pretend that I came from. You know the ones. To be honest, there may have been a few substances involved. Some in the before. Some new in the after. Then I...um...what happened next?"

He raised his hand and scratched his head as a confused look washed over his face. He sat his mic down and stuffed his hands into his pockets, out of his pants pockets he pulled several candy wrappers and liquor store receipts. He dropped them to the floor and continued to search his pockets. From his jacket he pulled a dead mouse, sandwich crusts, a handful of bottlecaps and finally a set of index cards. His smile returned as he grabbed the microphone again.

"Yeah,...Yeah...I remember now. After I disappeared, I wandered the world. I went to jungles, forests and mountains and then I ended up in the desert with this pygmy princess named after her peoples goddess of smoked meats. At least, I'm sure she was real. And together we went all over the desert eating cacti, drinking camel urine, you know, all the fun touristy things like that. But then I saw someone. Like the spotlight in the strip club that lands on the natural redhead with the homegrown Double-D's, I spotted something I could call perfection. It was a calling, man. I stumbled upon another wandering serpent like myself. Not as carefree maybe. Definitely more sober. Definitely lesss sunburned. I found this fanged friend and I knew. Oh, I knew. I knew what I had to do. I kissed my princess goodbye and came back. I'm gonna stay this time. At least, I'm pretty sure I am. Now, this lost brother is hiding in the back. I know he is. He's waiting. Hiding in the shadows. Oooh, a man after my own heart."

Rex lowered the mic and made exaggerated movements as if he had just had hit the heights of pleasure in his pants. Once he was finished, he looked out at the crowd, a good portion of which were laughing and enjoying his new antics. He tossed his index cards in the air and rolled out of the ring. He grabbed a steel chair and slid back into the ring with it. He set it up in the center of the ring and looked toward the ramp.

"Come on out, Salem. Come take a seat. You and me. We didn't talk, man. Granted, when I saw you I was totally focused on speaking classical 13th century style Gaelic. We didn't get a chance. Now, we need to talk. Man to man. Snake to snake. Kobra to Copperhead. Come on out, bro. Don't keep us all waiting. Paging Mr. Croft to Aisle Ringside."

(Planned)  

[Salem Croft]

The crowd was buzzing after Rex's return and subsequent revelation that Salem Croft was in the building, but the cheers and applause soon became mumurs and heckling after a long time had passed without any appearance. Fans began to speculate whether or not Rex had all his marbles - after all, he hadn't seemed to be the most coherent in delivering his malformed monologue.

King: "I think Rex is off his rocker, JR! There's no way Salem would show his face here again!"

But no sooner had he said it, the sudden twang of an acoustic guitar provoked a riotous reaction from the crowd. People sprang to their feet, drowning out the smarks as The Copperhead himself stepped out onto the stage.

JR: "Bah Gawd, he's back! The Copperhead has come home! It seems Rex wasn't shy of a full deck after all, King."

King: "Oh, shaddup, JR! You always were sympathetic to that snake! He doesn't sign my checks anymore!"

JR: "I'm sorry, King, but ah couldn't hear you with your foot so deep in your mouth!"

Standing out on the stage, his body soaking up the spotlights and camera flashes, Salem certainly seemed to look in good health - despite the scars that could be seen on what parts of his arms that weren't covered by his forearm wraps or sleeveless t-shirt he wore. Still, his expression wasn't one of great satisfaction as one would expect. Rather, The Copperhead looked languid as he walked down the ramp to his Rev Theory anthem, bringing the mic up to his lips as he idly slapped hands with those outstretched from the barricades along his way.

"Rex..." Salem started, the word almost a sigh. "You know...I wasn't planning on coming back just yet. I've been trying to just keep an ear to the ground, feel things out, lurk around and see whether this place was even worth me coming back to."

As if snapping out of a trance, Salem blinked and stopped in his tracks, standing with a foot on the first of the ringside steps, suddenly looking around at the audience.

"But that was never because of you." He said, pointing around at the audience with the same had that he'd been greeting fans with moments earlier. "This place is where I got my start, and there's some of you out there who've stood by me through everything - good times, and bad - and you're what makes me even think about getting into the ring, again - a ring I've shared with sycophants and sadists, with people who lack the courage or creativity to match wits with me. If I didn't love you people, I wouldn't ever come back to this place. So, thank you for that..." he said, voice trailing off as his pointed finger lowered fro the upper decks to level on Rex, along with The Copperhead's eyes. His brief smile stiffened once again, and now the vitality flushing through Salem's face and stare radiated with aggravation, an intense focus that left him oblivious to whatever chant the crowd had picked up during his pause.

"...But if not for you, Rex, I wouldn't be here, right now. I'd be in some shadowy corner, contemplating what I'd do or what I'd say...but instead of any of that, I'm here. Dealing with you."

Ascending the steps, Salem ducked under the top rope and walked towards Rex, a distinct rigidity to his shoulders and stride. Stopping just a foot from the man, Salem kept his stare locked on him, eyes glassy and unblinking, like a snake's. Bringing the microphone up to his lips, he looked to address Kobra one more time.

"So what the hell do you want, man, and it better be good. I'll be damned if I wasted my comeback for nothing." he finished, words almost threatening in tone as he lowered the mic and clenched the knuckles on his empty hand.

 

[Undead Superstar]

"Salem, homeboy, welcome back to the ring. Good to have you. Man, it is terrific to see you hombre. I...um...I wanted you to come out to...um...oh yeah. I wanted to present to you an opportunity. But first I need to bring out something. You see, I brought some friends. I call them friends but they're more like family at this point. You can't touch that much of another person's bodily liquids and not be close. Bozo, Bonkers, Bennigan and Bastardo would you please come on down."

Some circus music came out of the speakers as four men emerged from the back. Each of them looked like a strange combination of clown and gimp. Two of them were carrying a table covered with a tarp and the others were carrying a table covered with a tablecloth. They moved down to the ring and placed a table on opposite sides of the ring. They stepped back and stared up at Kobra with a manic gleam on their faces. Kobra looked at both and nodded.

"You see, Salem, after meeting you out in the wilds. After thinking and smoking and eating and engaging in all my usual vices, I had an amazing idea. You and me, brotha teaming up to take out anyone in our way. Think of it. The Kobra and The Copperhead. The Snake Pit. No...Too Lethal. Look, look look."

He pointed up at the titanatron as a bunch of pictures and videos taken from their careers started to flash by while Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On played out of the speakers. After a minute, everything stopped and Rex stood while wiping a tear from his eyes. He nodded and clapped his hands while his minions at ringside did the same. The audience cheered as Rex raised his mic again.

"See Salem. We belong together man. Now, if you wanna team up, we can celebrate," behind him, his minions took off the tablecloth to reveal a table covered with a small buffet of items including chicken wings and cheap wine. "I've got a surprise for you if you say no too but I really hope that you won't. Come on, hombre."