Please beware, there will be some intense language below.

I hate dysphoria. Every day, I'm forced to stare at myself in the mirror, looking at my chest being so... feminine! Every godforsaken day I have to look at it, wondering why I have it. I push it inward nearly every time, and turn my side, only to glance at the seemingly nonexistent boobs that I hope to be gone someday. I'm reminded by them constantly that I was born in the wrong body. And whenever I go to take a shower or bath, it's 40 minutes of staring at them, wondering the exact same question every damn time: Why must I have boobs? I'm so annoyed with them, and I don't get why I had to be born with them. I'm not a girl, I never was. So why? Why? Why? Why? I JUST WANT A ******** SOLUTION!! But I'm so shy to tell Mom I want top surgery. She's totally behind me on being trans, and supports me and loves me 100% of the way, but I need the courage to ask her again. I tried once, but I didn't give a very good explanation. Perhaps, if I show her this, it can be the words I can't bring myself to say aloud. And then she'll understand.

When I go to school, I have to be conscious not to write "Magnus" down on my papers. If someone asks me my name, I panic and wonder which one to give them. I'm sad when I give my girl name to people, as if it's another win for the femininity those who don't know me expect me to have but that I never will and never did have. I smile at being called Magnus, and referred to as he/him. My heart sinks when people say she/her.

In gym class the other day, someone said, "Watch out for the girl!" and I wanted to cry. I legit nearly cried in the middle of gym class. I know it isn't prominent yet that I'm not female, but that honestly offended me so much... It wasn't their fault because they didn't know, but I just can't believe a simple comment offended me so harshly. ******** dysphoria. Why do I need to experience it so much??