It didn’t mean anything.

Common sense had brought her scrambling mind to a place of something resembling peace. It had been a moment fueled by the wants of a dragon, and it was no difference than any experience she’d had with the opposite sex in her life. Though there was something about that fact that itched somewhere she couldn’t reach it, so she put it away, forcing it to be ignored in the same way she was ignoring the candidates who were helping that day in the kitchen.

She always ignored the candidates unless forced to engage, and perhaps those who had been around long enough had enough sense to have figured out why.

The act of mixing dough by hand was therapeutic to Niika, who found it had become a task that allowed her time to think - and she did certainly do a lot of thinking these days. The things she thought about while buried away in work hadn’t changed, even though logically they should have. She wanted to be buzzing with excitement about the eggs that would be on the sands too. She wanted so badly to get to meet each of them too. She wanted to be able to actually still have a chance.

But a heart full of want was destined to hurt, so she put it away, compartmentalized into clean little boxes and carefully molded locks, never to be opened again - or so she’d hope.

Instead she curated thoughts about what she was allowed to think about. Kneading dough, leaving it to rise, making sure it didn’t overcook, look at what leftovers could be repurposed into new things, and keep her thoughts from drifting to whatever everybody else in the Weyr was doing. She’d found a gear to become, even if it was a small and unseen one, tossed down into some (not so) dark corner. For her effort and attempts to focus on it, however, she’d been rewarded with something resembling a skillful proficiency.

A few turns, and they’ll consider me fit to head off.

It was an idle thought, but it drew her to a full stop. Any candidates who glanced the not-so-young woman’s way would find her frowning at the sticky lump she’d been working at almost mechanically. Would she really leave? Certainly she’d not seen much of the world yet, and that was an almost daunting notion. But it also planted a very peculiar seed of fear in her heart. A girl who grew up surrounded by dragons heading out into the world without the security they brought her, having to build up her own security….it was an overwhelming notion.

She put it away, but this thought she didn’t lock away. It would need some more thought, but not now. Later. There was always time for later.

Another handful of flour was tossed onto the far-too-sticky dough she’d been kneading at. Focus on the task in front of you, Niika. There is no future right now, she reminded herself briskly. The future would exist when she got to it, there was no need to tangle herself up in it. Not when she already spent so much time trying to untangle her heart from the past. No matter how many times she tried to convince herself to ignore it, unlike the future, the past did and would always exist. That made it sticky and clingy, and it needed just as much flour tossed onto it to as this bread did.

Finally, she set the dough aside to rise, both grateful to not have such a focused task to let her mind wander in the wrong directions on, and sad to move on from the peace it usually brought her. The candidates in the room were excitedly whispering to each other about the events of the last few months, and it was easy to imagine herself in one of those places, whispering with people who had once been friends before she’d pushed them away over the last turn.

Then she’d gone and replaced them with someone who didn’t seem to care she existed - except on some days, when she made some particular comment or spent a moment longer lingering to admire the lovely large green that sat on her ledge...or when she was seen through the veil of a dragon. It had been a good moment, at least, but she wouldn’t let it be anything more than that. Niika knew better.

She’d proven herself patient. She’d wait to be wanted.