[PRP] wayward children [ haveli + dehka

[houllow]

It felt weird to return to the barracks after a time away that hadn't involved being stashed for an injury. Being stuck somewhere due to a lack of free will was generally considered different to most folks, though part of Haveli wondered just how much of it applied to her as she moved to reclaim a bunk among the beds of the other candidates. Her departure from candidacy, brief and unofficial as it had been, was not completely by choice.

True, she could have refused and simply accepted what was handed to her without complaint, but such actions didn't feel right. When would Haveli ever do anything that didn't involve a fair amount of grousing? She did enjoy accepting things that were handed to her if they provided a fair amount of benefit, but in this case she made the right choice. A bitter, but correct, choice.

It looked as though no one else was around (perfect) as she settled in, carefully placing down what few items she'd cared to salvage from her time away. It really did feel weird coming back and for the first time Haveli was aware of a sense of....empty.

Tsunake

 

[Tsunake]

Something continued to gnaw at his thoughts throughout the day, and Dehka found himself troubled. He didn't know Haveli well, of course--only that she'd been one of those injured terribly from the same hatching that he'd gotten his own facial scars. As he rounded the corner, he froze for a moment, visibly startled to see the woman currently occupying his brain. Normally he was a hesitant, quiet sort of boy, but the words burst out of his mouth before he could stop them.

"How can you think like that?" He found himself saying, a little agitated, a little confused. "That it'd be better off if you were dead...? You aren't that old--you could easily start to learn a Craft and make something of yourself..."

He hated it. He hated the thought that she really, truly felt that way. That anyone would feel that way...

houllow

 

[houllow]

Haveli turned to look at the shrill little voice, wondering just who'd decided to ambush her when she was properly alone. An eyebrow was raised as her brain supplied all the information she needed - Dehka, bronzerider's son - and she let out a sigh. "If you have to ask, then - " She cut herself off as a warning hiss echoed in the back of her mind; not from a dragon nor anything else but rather a memory that was determined to etch itself in. "Then I suppose I should tell you, if you really want to know."

She didn't want to tell him because it wasn't his business even if she'd openly shared it in front of all of their fellow candidates. T'nus had dismissed her, she'd dealt with F'dral, and was sent to be fostered all because her plans in five or so turns weren't exactly the summer flowers of others. "I don't have anyone here, in the Weyr. I don't have the family or friends like you do, apart from my sister who has her own issues to deal with. I don't have the most champion of personalities that makes me loveable or likeable in the best of situations." Haveli shrugged her shoulders as she moved to continue putting away things.

Of course none of that meant she couldn't learn a craft - she was seriously pretty good at slaughtering herdbeasts enough to consider being a butcher - but she also didn't want to fully learn a craft. That was the rub, and a source of sour jealousy that no one here was going to pull from her lips without her being required to answer. "I suppose all my misery is self-inflicted, which it is. Is that good enough for you?"

Honestly Haveli didn't dislike Dehka, though she couldn't exactly say she adored him either. She remembered how he'd worked to defend that little kid who'd Impressed, getting hurt in the process. She'd semi-known him from when he popped into the infirmary, though admittedly she'd spent a good chunk of it out cold.

Tsunake

 

[Tsunake]

When she turned around, Dehka unconsciously squared his shoulders, ready for one scathing retort or another. Haveli reminded him so much of his foster brother--coolly confident and unafraid to let someone know when they were an idiot. It was intimidating. But he refused to back down from this.... especially if it meant that he might be able to understand her a bit better. What he didn't expect was for the woman to... agree? "I do." He nodded almost fiercely.

Biting his tongue was difficult, but he waited until she was fully finished before speaking. "But you have your sister.... She's your family and your friend, isn't she? Even with her problems, I'm sure she cares for you!" It was hard for him to imagine otherwise. He knew that Impressing a dragon was momentous and life changing... but that didn't mean that previous bonds would immediately be dismissed and forgotten. "Just because you don't feel like you might be the best person isn't any reason to give up on life..."

He fidgeted for a moment in the doorway as Haveli continued to move her things, unsure what else he should say. Self-inflicted.... "I... I'm sorry." Dehka apologized. "I know that I don't understand completely what you've been through. But I think that leaving your sister so abruptly would be--selfish." He exhaled briefly, as though the words were a bit rough to say.

"Though she has a dragon, I think your sister would be devastated if you died. You might not think so, but I know she didn't completely forget about you just because she Impressed a dragon...'

houllow

 

[houllow]

"Dehka, your father is a rider, right? And you've mostly grown up here at the Weyr?" Haveli's hands stopped and she turned more to look at the younger boy as he apologized to her. The corner of her lips twitched again before a sickenly strange smile pushed itself forward. She needed to control what she said, but the way he pushed in without fear was.....annoying. A runner couldn't change its stripes after all but it could temper them down beneath a blanket. Her tone stayed level. "Have you ever gone hungry at night? Can you imagine what it's like to sleep with a stranger in order to have enough coins for semi-rotten food, but only enough that your sister eats?"

That had been a while ago, that was what Haveli had been told over and over by the mindhealers, by F'dral and T'nus, by her foster mother. That the past was behind, she'd been at the Weyr for nearly three turns, that she needed to get over herself. But those were experiences she carried just as surely as she did the marks on her back. People just don't "get over" things, even though she was slightly moving forward; Haveli needed to move forward before they tossed her back into that cesspit.

Anyway.

"Living here at the Weyr is nice, right? A roof over our heads, protection from Thread. We never have to go hungry, and for those with family here you don't need to worry about the future. It's nice to have a safety net to where if you need anything, Mother or Father will be there to help." She started back at moving her things, still looking at Dehka and holding that smile. "I'm almost jealous."

The topic of Arlie was completely avoided, as she didn't want to talk to Dehka about her. There was a rawness there that putting it in her mouth was too bitter to spit out or swallow.

Tsunake

 

[Tsunake]

"Um," It was an abrupt reversal, and the smile that slowly spread across Haveli's face.... It was scary. Unnatural, he guessed. "Yes..." His heart clenched clenched as she continued to speak. No. No, he could never imagine having to live such a life... but had his mother? Had she been forced to do whatever she had to for him? Dehka swallowed thickly before he gave a slight shake of his head. "No. I've been very lucky, and I know not everyone... has had the opportunities that I've had." Still, the more she spoke, the more he found himself rankling ever so slightly. He didn't... he didn't just take those things for granted. But how must she feel, seeing him after all she'd been through? The thought alone sliced through any of his irritation, leaving him feeling cold and empty.

"But you aren't going to have to do that anymore, Haveli. The Weyr won't just toss you back without any assistance whatsoever... This is a fresh start for you, no matter what happens." Dehka believed that with all of his heart, watching her almost anxiously now.

"I know how fortunate I am... but just because my family is here... if I can't do anything useful, I won't let myself weigh down the Weyr. But you've fought for so long and worked so hard to keep going, right? You can't just give up, not after all of this."

It would be easy for him to walk away. Who was Haveli to him? For Dehka, she was a fellow Candidate--and someone in need, no matter how fierce she seemed.

houllow

 

[houllow]

Haveli's smile turned to a sneer before it dropped entirely at Dehka's continued mini-speech about whatever. At least it seemed as though he understood where he stood in her eyes with his unspoken privileges and advantages, though she did choke a snort at him saying the Weyr wouldn't just toss her out. "Oh, but you'd think that. If I don't show signs of improvement then they will more than happily declare me unfit for candidacy and remove me." It had been months of fostering, of talking to a mindhealer, and even though Haveli was 'improving' she was still very much herself. Maybe just a bit more open and verbal, maybe with a few less thorns.

Still sharp and rough, but once again with a clear goal. Or several, as she was supposed to have according to T'nus. Several goals in case one doesn't work out. Haveli was pretty amazing at accomplishing here goals if she said so herself.

"And who says I'm giving up? I have five Turns ahead of me before I age out, provided I don't get wonderfully mauled again on the sands." She had marks on her neck and chest, and hair that was finally growing back to length after it had been cut to treat her head wound. "I just need to make sure I have my own personal safety net in place so I, as you said, don't weigh down the Weyr." It was like Haveli was talking over Dehka and not to him, but really she was weighing him in her own way.

What would be his use? What was the use of his father? Hmmm.

Tsunake

 

[Tsunake]

"They still wouldn't drop you off at somewhere like that!" He retorted, firing back for the first time. As strict as High Reaches was, the Weyr wasn't heartless, and he wouldn't stand for that talk. "Even if you're unfit for candidacy, they'd put you somewhere safe. How can you think otherwise? Maybe you're just expecting the worst,"

As soon as the words left him, he quietly cringed to himself. It took a moment before he gathered his thoughts, looking straight at her without flinching. "Good. But announcing that you'd rather die sounds like you're already planning to fail. So you got clawed. So what? Lots of candidates do." He himself bore scars just underneath his eye, and they hadn't stopped him any. "If you have five Turns, then you don't even need to be worried about that stuff right now. Focus on present--on what's happening now."

His shoulders were still squared, and he was expecting to fight to prove his point. That was fine. It was worth it.

houllow

 

[houllow]

Shards and shells why did everyone here sound like broken harper writings? Where did all their pointless confidence come from? It was downright irritating when they all harped on the same thing over and over, but what else could she really expect. Everyone here would repeat what they were taught from a young age and truly believe it without question; such a thing was something Haveli never quite felt comfortable with. But it apparently had to work because folks here kept Impressing and she was supposed to grasp at enough straws to make it through.

She also needed to bite her tongue, focus on the path ahead. Don't argue the fights, don't dwell, focus on the future, don't snap. She wanted to snap, but she couldn't, and so Haveli squared herself up just as much as Dehka did.

"The scars from a mauling don't bother me. I'm saying if I get an arm ripped off, or an eye taken out." A gesture was made to the scars on his face, to the ones on her jaw and neck. "I don't want something that would prevent me from standing and also toss a massive problem into any of my backup plans." She'd heard of people being allowed to be a rider after being maimed but only because the dragon had already selected them. Shells, wasn't there a kid from the last clutch who all but had to be carried out to get his dragon? "I can function with an eye gone, or a busted jaw, but neither of us could be proper candidates with a missing arm or leg."

Tsunake

 

[Tsunake]

Somehow, he didn't think his words were having much effect. Yes, she could lose a limb or an eye... or she might not. "No, we couldn't," He agreed a bit despondently at her logic. "But thinking that death is the best option otherwise is foolish. I think," And this was perhaps a leap in logic, since he'd never actually spoken to Arlie, just observed on the outskirts, "That your sister would be devastated if you died." Faranth knew that he would be if Kahbrohm did... and, despite his foster brother's actions towards him, he knew the feeling would be mutual if the reverse happened.

"You're a really.... really smart person, Haveli," Dehka's voice was a bit more earnest now as he looked her in the eye. "And if you were gone... I feel like Pern would miss out on everything you have to offer." If she truly decided to apply herself to a craft, he felt as though her drive would enable her to discover things that no one had ever even thought to think of!

"I just.... I don't want to feel like you're useless, if you don't Impress a dragon," His words were quiet. "And I don't want you to feel like you're alone."

houllow

 

[houllow]

Shards, she wanted to slap him. He was so self-righteous, talking like everyone else with 'ifs' and 'could bes' and nothing of the sort. No one here knew anything about her and in all honesty she hadn't let them. She'd been at the Weyr for nearly three turns and had refused to adapt to the so called 'safety net' that was in place. It was downright irritating how despite the people here thinking it had such small holes so many people still ended up slipping through them. How they were treated like problems to be fixed.

Haveli clearly was a problem to be fixed and getting upset this like just showed how broken she was. Maybe F'dral had been right, or T'nus. She was useless and feral and whatever else, unable to adapt properly to a life where she went for naught. It was scary how easily she could have fallen and even more terrifying over how stubbornly she refused to do so.

These few months had helped a lot, she thought, but not enough.

"I want power, Dehka. I don't give a shell about my worth or my personal feelings, I need power." It felt weird to admit this to a kid who'd just go run off and join his friends. A kid who, come hatching time, would be surrounded on the sands with people and then later a dragon. "If I have power, I can be protected. I will be safe, she will be safe. Without power it all depends on my 'worth' or 'skill' whatever else you seemingly think I have." Oh sure, she could go into a craft this late in life and watch thirteen and twelve-turn old literally children outpace her at everything. Haveli was smart but she wasn't a crafter, wasn't experienced enough to claim that. She'd be that awkward apprentice well into her forties, by which point what is the point. "I'm not some amazing figure, Dehka, I'm a broken person who did horrible things to survive to this point, even when I didn't need to."

Haveli looked at her hands, which had stopped moving from putting things away. "I'm not ashamed of who I am, or what I've done, or what I've said." Surprisingly her tone continued to remain steady, and Haveli just exhaled with an extended sigh. "I like High Reaches though, you could almost venture to say I love it here. I can see myself living among everyone else in the future, five Turns and beyond. It's just the why and how I'm still here that has me fuzzy."

Tsunake