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[ on love, and what it means ]
It was common sense that as a Weyrling, one had to stay away from love and romance and everything that came with it. The dragonet that was tied to them was far more important than something like human libido, something far more important than the need for warmth and the embrace of another's arms. Haveli had seen it happen enough times that it was almost comical at this point - lovers split apart as one Impresses, the swearing of loyalty and chastity that would last at least six months to a Turn. Hadn't it just happened at the last hatching? It probably had, but admittedly she had more on her mind once things got into motion than the affairs of others. She had Impressed first after all, and everything that came after that was of no interest to either her or the dragon that current lay sleeping, his massive wedge-shaped head resting on as much of her lap as either could tolerate.
They had been together for about two months now, the already large brown dragonet practically swelling in size, greeting the start of a sevenday with a whole new torso. He was a new beast each time the dawn broke and it was a sight that shook his rider's heart every single moment. Haveli's hands had long turned raw and red from all the oiling and rubbing, from the gripping of the shovel as she tossed out the dung piles. Very rarely did Haveli thank the stars above for her experience in working with herdbeasts; cleaning up after her own dragon was one of those few times she did. Be it ankle deep, knee deep, or, in that case of where he ate too much and suffered from packtail for a while before destroying everything around him, unbelievable, Haveli just did it all. And now they were resting together on a day off, their own idle thoughts the perfect company for such a calm place. If she were to think of nothing but white noise it would have been fine, just letting the stray dreams of her dragon poke in at will. And yet, again...
Her thoughts came to love, to companionship. It wasn't like there'd been a recent Goldflight to throw everyone into a tizzy and prompt these thoughts; Greenflights were a mark a dozen, happening so often she'd long lost count at the shrieks and whistles of the beasts flying overhead. They'd never held her interest before, the greens that is, save for the chance of Haveli finding her way into the bed of a rider and another chance at finding a place to stay. There was no need to think that now, no need to even turn her face up to the sky and try to point out which dragons were chasing. It had been something she needed to do before, to know the rank and file like they were lifelines. To lay in bed with them and bare herself just to make sure there some was connection.
But now? Never again, not even if Sathanaseth decided to chase himself. She would be the one who folks looked for now, as her proud Brown gave chase. Or perhaps she could just drink it away and sleep it off now that there wasn't that painful urgency anymore.
And maybe that was why she was thinking like this, of the love that came in many forms. Impressing Sathanaseth had given Haveli plenty of time to think things over when she was free and sans-company which, given the disposition of the dragon who was starting to rouse from his sleep weighed for anything, meant she had lots of moments to gather her thoughts and actually examine who she was as a person.
It had been ugly at first, being confronted with who she was. Haveli thankfully wasn't the type to think herself far beyond what she was, her ego was large but fortunately not so inflated that she couldn't see beyond her nose in most days. She was a proud sort, spiteful, ambitious. All of those traits had served her well in one way or another, even the pettiness that caused her to hate her own sister after an event that was completely out of the control of anyone alive in the world.
Sometimes she regretted those moments and all the time wasted in anger in hate. Sometimes.
But her sister was dead, as was her sister's dragon.
It was too late to regret death.
After she worked out the first few knots, the first few verbal barbs with a dragon who had his was of doing things versus how they were going to do it, looking at herself became a bit easier. Haveli had never exactly hated herself as a person, but sometimes it was a little hard to look at the twisted face in a reflection and accept that this was the path she was on.
You should be resting. A smooth baritone voice flooded her mind and shook away any thoughts that might have been attempting to connect, and Haveli turned her gaze from where it had been staring off into nothing down at the red eye that looked up at her. Or if not resting, at least thinking of something more productive. His tone was rough, laced heavy with sleep and the annoyance she had come to recognize as just his basic demeanor. Sathanaseth was a dragon of few words when left to his own devices, Haveli understood, and whenever he did choose to speak it was always to make a point of some kind. A veritable waste not, want not sort. It was endearing.
"It's not hurting me to think." Haveli stroked an eyeridge, amused as she watched the tinest bit of purple flicker through at her touch. "I'm just thinking about the past a little, and what it's been like now that we're together." The brown exhaled in an aggrieved sigh, the hot air from his nostrils causing Haveli's skirt to billow. "Oh stop. It's not hurting you." The stroke turned into a playful flick that had Sathanaseth shift into getting up, a rumble caught in his throat that seemed to vibrate the whole of Haveli's being. It tickled her bones and filled her with delight to know that this living being was her soulmate, her lifemate, a whole to her whole that together didn't make two or overflow, just a single being.
A hand reached down to smooth out her skirts, and Haveli paused at the hem with a resolved slap. "But fine then, if me thinking is bothering you then I'll stop for now. I haven't come to the answer I want just yet though." She hadn't, not really, but there would be more moments to think. More moments to look at herself, and wonder about life and love and all those moments.
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