Desperate call for attention! (fifth title change)

[Dominique Devlin]

So yeah, I've made a few journal entries about what I think, but nobody really replies to them. My journal is set 'friends only', but still. I need attention, and I'm too dumb to ask for it in real life so I'm just going to post some random entries and hope for your help, okay? sweatdrop
I'll post them in the order I posted them in my journal. Also, I tried to 'lable' the quotes with the titles my journal entries had.
Some entries are here just because they tell what I am like when I'm... Pissy. surprised Did I mention I lately smoke 3 packs a day and can't cut that down? sweatdrop

Ho'Shiz! biggrin

I'm going to be a dad. surprised heart

How things are

Well, things are pretty strange. I feel extremely random and somewhat relaxed and yet I'mnot relaxed at all. sweatdrop
This morning I had the worst 'smoker's cough' ever. Usually it's just
*cough cough* over.
This morning it took my a full ten minutes to regain my breath. I don't think that's a good thing... sweatdrop

I still haven't heard anything from Angelique. I ******** hate her parents. Theyused to be nice to me... In a fake way, but still nice. And now they don't even allow me to talk to their daughter anymore! I wonder how Angelique became such a rational thinker. Religion often pisses me off, especially when it makes people treat me like they do. *points accusing finger*
Stupid ********. rolleyes
Okay anyway:
Max had a bad day at work. This guy, that used to work below him got promoted and they're now sharing an office. But the guy's homophobic like hell! So when Max touches like.. the phone or something the guy goes all 8yr-old claiming he won't touch it anymore ever and stuff. I wonder how he ever got the job, really. rolleyes
Max is a nice guy! He doesn't sound gay at all. Usually I can tell by men's voices wether they're gay or not but I can't with Max. And yet I spend loads of nights with him. blaugh I'm so gonna kick the guy's a**! I know whyMax refused to give me his name, I sure do! But that doesn't mean I won't find out! evil No-one hurts my Max without getting his a** kicked by me, hell no! scream

o.O;

So I knocked out someone's teeth today. It was breaktime, and I was sitting there and thinking about how much I hate this one retarded teacher. Then this bunch of kids I hate stands behind me. I didn't see them, I just recognized their lame voices. So then I heard one ask: "should I do it?" and the next thing I knew, I was covered in hot cup-a-soup, chinese tomato. stare
So I got all pissed, I tell you I was shaking! And I got up the chair I sat on and swung it at the guy's head. And knocked out his front teeth. Dude. He's like a sporter-type, and I'm the skinny-a** retard, so I feel I actually achieved something. cool

A teacher saw it, and took us both to the principal. The guy was like crying, and I was covered in smelly soup. Must have been funny to see.
Anyway, I got this big a** warning, and he got a square schedule. Because I was doing sometyhing self-defence like and he was just trying to get to me.
I think he'll hate me evenmore now! lol

I'm sick of it

Seriously, I've had it.
I justdon't want it anymore! gonk
But I'm not going to kill myself, hell no, no way. It's what dumbasses do. Plus, I'd leave other people with the mess. stare I just wish I could skip a few years or kill Angelique's parents without it having bad consequences for me. I wish I could stop smoking, too. But I'm now on an average of 3 packs a day, I'm basically smoking non-stop. I know it's going to kill me. Right now I don't give a s**t about that but I know I'll be all sorry when the time's there.
-_-

So yeah. WHat to do? Knock myself into a deep sleep? Break a rib or something so I can sleep all day? I don't know. Help.
Whyam I saying 'help', I know nobody is going to read any of this s**t unless I ask them to. stare Unless it says something about colors. Colors are good. When you cry and you press your eyes with your fists you see lots of pretty colors. 3nodding Dots of them, you know? Kinda like pixels.

gonk

Max, how the ******** could you

So yeah, I'm very angry now! mad
Lst night, I was at his place and we watched a movie on tv and it was all funadn stuff.
o it was like 11PM, and he said it was time for me to go home. So I say: "What? Don't you want me to stay?" and he says: "No, I don't want to sleep with a bag of bones."
Like. OMFG, you know? b*****d. stare
So I took my coat and went out and slammed the door and heard something break. Could have been the glass. Could have been my heart.

Anyway, it's 13 hours and 36 minutes since that happened and he still hasn't called. I wonder if he will. I wonder if I'll pick up if he will. stare

EDIT:
So yeah. We made up. Because he was knocking my door when it was raining icecubes. I didn't open the door until it was over though. xp
So I let him in and he made up for last night and he is now wondering why the hell I'm posting this on the internet.
Next time he does soemthing alike I'm going to post the creapiest pics I can find of him in teh CB and make people laugh at him big time. twisted

So... today pretty much phailed...

I had to be at school at 10AM. So at 9, I was brushing my teeth and stuff, just taking it easy, you know?
And then I started throwing up (which was really gross because it was unexpected) and then I fainted. Like. Dude. o.O;
So I regained consciousness at like what. 9.30? So I still had to take out the trash and get my PE clothes. So yeah, I got them and went to school. I was slighhtly confuzed to say the least. o.o;
So I was at school and the day went fine until PE. We had to do volleyball. I completely phail at it. But I was in the team with all these good sporters! gonk SO with every ball I missed, I heard: "Damn, pay attention!" "Geez Justin, just get the ball!" and stuff liek that. SO when I heard a comment like that for like the 6th time, I was about to cry. sweatdrop So yeah, when he was about to say something again, I threw the bal at his head (and missed terribly) and then shouted soemthing like: "You think I WANT to do this, you p***k?" and then I ran out with my hands covering my face. And I slipped and fel in the hallway. And this girl came after me and we talked for like an hour and I returned to class when it was almost over so I could help clean. And the teacher said he understood my reaction and that he thought I had full right to scream at the guy.
I wish I hit him though. =/

So on my way home, I was starving because it was like 4PM so I was eating this cookie, and then it rained icecubes again! gonk So my cookie was soaked and it sucked. Yeah. >.>

School doctors suck. =3

So I went to the school doctor person today, and she told me that all of my complains (fainting, tantrums, vomiting, weight loss, not being able to focuss ) are caused by stress.
stare
I knew that. Why the hell did I have to go see her in the first place? gonk

 

[Dominique Devlin]

So I just figured people aren't replying because they don't understand. surprised
Well, Angelique is my best friend. And we were both curious so I accidentaly knocked her up.
But her parents are like. Homophobic racist Christians. Basically anrrow-minded dumbasses.
And I'm gay, black and an atheist.
So now her folks won't let me see her anymore. I haven't talked to her in like 2 months, while before that, we used to talk every day and I miss her terribly! Plus, I'm really worried about how she is with carrying the baby and all. My boyfriend knows what's going on and is basically fine with it. My folks tell me I caused Iit so I should solve it. And yeah. Now Angelique's folks put their house up for sale and I don't know where they're going.  

[InAGiffy]

Hmm... sounds to me like you just hit a low point on the roller coaster of life. I don't smoke, so I can't say I know how it feels to be compelled to smoke that much a day. Still, I'd worry about the stress in your life before trying to cut down... if you try to cut down first, it may make you even more stressed.

From what I'm getting at, a lot of your stress stems from harassment from others, especially in the area of verbal insults. You just have to understand why they're insulting you. Really, they're not trying to hurt you. What they ARE trying to do is make themselves seem better about who they are. And they pick somebody to take that out on who they know will be affected by it. Just try to remember that whenever they try to make themselves seem better than you by insulting you, they are really just degrading themselves. This will be really apparent if you act like you're unaffected by it. I understand that it won't be easy, but if you find yourself being insulted, just think to yourself "you know, what they say doesn't matter. Because they're trying to hurt me, I am superior to them. The only people they're hurting are themselves!" If you do start to get emotional, don't let them see it. Keep ignoring them until you're away from them. As long as they don't see you get upset about it, they'll think that their taunts are ineffective, so they'll stop wasting their energy on you.

As for Angelique... I'm just really not sure what to say. Sorry... sweatdrop

Anyway, that's my thoughts on it. I hope things go better for you, I really do! blaugh  

[Dominique Devlin]

Oh, you should deffinately. Not. Start. Smoking. It's going to kill you if you will. It's bloody evil and I have a terribly addictive personality so damn. v-v I'm lost.


I have tried to ignore them for years. I swear to you, years. it was worse when I was stillin primary school, but I rarely see any of the people I had issues with anymore. But this is lie. My sixth year in the school I'm in now, and after this year I have another one to go. (because I got held back once). And this year is the first time I stood up for myself and it did actually seem to work. For a while. And then I do something else drastic (like calling this one guy a p***k) and they'll shut up for a while. So yeah. I don't think ignoring is the solution. because like. I'm gay and they know it. D<


I hope things will get better too! Thank you so much for replying! I expected to get like. A shitload of replies within minutes like in the CB. o.o;  

[InAGiffy]

On the other hand, it seems like you really, really don't want to be addicted to smoking. I think I'll take back what I said earlier, and suggest trying to give it up. You will feel a lot better once it's all said and done. And while you're trying to quit, it might give you something else to think about, instead of worrying about the jerks all the time. And wouldn't it be a great confidence booster, too? Knowing that you can win out over an addiction like that? It would make me feel better about myself. So maybe that's something you should look into.  

[Dominique Devlin]

I'm trying, but I just need soemthing in my hands and in my mouth that can relax me. Smoking makes me very very calm, and the major cloud that hangs in my room afterwards does too. sweatdrop I started it like 10 years ago... I was 8 and trying to be part of the cool guys and slowly I started smoking more. I don't think I can ever quit because I'm so used to it. When I run out of packs (which tends to happen often) my hands shake and my head hurts and I get hyper in a violent way. I don't know, I don't think it'll be easy to deal with that on top of all teh crappy people I have to deal with. :Sweat:  

[InAGiffy]

Okay, whatever you feel is best. I was just throwing some suggestions around 3nodding  

[Dominique Devlin]

whee Thanks a lot for that. I should quit though. I feel I'm installing fatal lung issues. But I'm too weak! sweatdrop  

[TheDreamPilot]

i know it's strange but lots of people eat life savers to help them quit smoking or even cut down. like say you've had 2 cigarettes so far and you feel like having a third. try a lifesaver instead, just let it sit in your mouth and see how long it holds you off. on 3 packs a day, I say it's worth a try.


I totally think the kid who threw the soup on you deserved it. I know how every one says violence isn't the answer. but sometimes it's hard to find another way to stand up for yourself. Just try not to get yourself into more trouble.


It still blows my mind that gay bashing stills happens.


About your pregnant friend. It is your child you do have rights as a father. I would look 'em up. Is she 18 yet? If worse comes to worse then I say after the baby is born take it to court and sue for visitation rights. I don't know. I hope that this situation works out for you and you can talk to your bestfriend again and see your baby.  

[Dominique Devlin]

SHe'll be 18 on June 30. Mymother died while giving birth to me and I'm afraid Angelique will die aswell. confused
And lately I enjoy the thought of torturing her parents. Like... Stripping off their skin, waiting for them to regain consciousness, and then continuing so it hurts more.
And tehre are so many peopel I'd like to do that to! gonk
I think I'm losing my mind. I screamed at my boyfriend a while back and I don't ven recall WHAT I screamed. But you saw that in teh otehr thread.  

[TheDreamPilot]

Dominique Devlin

SHe'll be 18 on June 30. Mymother died while giving birth to me and I'm afraid Angelique will die aswell. confused
And lately I enjoy the thought of torturing her parents. Like... Stripping off their skin, waiting for them to regain consciousness, and then continuing so it hurts more.
And tehre are so many peopel I'd like to do that to! gonk
I think I'm losing my mind. I screamed at my boyfriend a while back and I don't ven recall WHAT I screamed. But you saw that in teh otehr thread.

Well Angelique is in no relation to your mommy, so I think that you don't need to worry about that.

As long as you enjoy the just the thought and not the action, you'll be ok. I'm sure jail sucks.

ANd for your boyfriend, if you don't even know what for i suppose you could forgive him, and then tell him you're sorry for yelling. I'm sure he could be of great comfort.  

[Dominique Devlin]

Yeah, I'm going to spend the night here again if he doesn't send me out at 11PM. -_- I'd better make up with him.

My folks are no good at all! They only nod and say I should do what seems best to me. I can almost hear them nod over the phone! gonk Ah, I'm jumping from minor issue to minor issue! gonk  

[TheDreamPilot]

Dominique Devlin

Yeah, I'm going to spend the night here again if he doesn't send me out at 11PM. -_- I'd better make up with him.

My folks are no good at all! They only nod and say I should do what seems best to me. I can almost hear them nod over the phone! gonk Ah, I'm jumping from minor issue to minor issue! gonk

Ack, my parents do that do, when all I really want is their opinion or a sugesstion. they're supposed to be the older wiser ones. gonk  

[Dominique Devlin]

Exactly. stare
I'm going to be a parent myself in 5 months or so. I could use some support!!!!
Or a good example. For once. Please? stare
But they're like: "YOU knocked her up, not me."  

[TheDreamPilot]

Dominique Devlin

Exactly. stare
I'm going to be a parent myself in 5 months or so. I could use some support!!!!
Or a good example. For once. Please? stare
But they're like: "YOU knocked her up, not me."

I think they'd be crazy to actaully not have any thoughts on the issue. I would tell them that I would really like their help on figuring out what to do, tell them that you appreciate their opinion( even if you don't, itmight squeeze one out of them). and tell them that i couldn't obviously fix this on my own.