I... I am becoming depressed again.
Looking at what i have at my mother's house.
Seeing myself happy.
The last memories before I leave.
I cried at dinner tonight.
The thought of leaving the perfect place. The one place i want to be.
Being torn from my mom's house.
Living with hypocritical people who think it is better for you to go to bed at 8 at night.
Eating food without any thought or love in it.
it is enough to make people insane.
At this point I am past insane.
I am sad. Depressed.
I no longer want to live.
There is that perfect place.
and when i cannot live in it.
I die inside a bit.
and I think I have finally given in.
I must be strong.
My mother urges me to be strong.
She tells me I can do it but I cannot.
I ... I hate it over there. My dad's house is terrible. THERE IS NOT any way it can be fixed or made better.
It is a loveless house hold. The false image of love.
I have seen it all so much.
I need strength to hold out.
But...
I wish i could be saved.
These last 3 years have been hell for me and my family.
My sisters suffered like me.
My mother was told she is not a good parent.
My sister, Lauren, was told she is fat.
Lauren is regular weight.
I was told my Table Manners were horrible and that i have portion control issues... this is all false and i have all of you as my witnesses.
I used my strength to hold out in hell, and now i have none left to get out.
4 years of this might kill me.
..........
6 years of this might kill Lauren
9 years of this will at least leave Brenna dead inside.
It is impossible to live in a Loveless home.
To have excellent health, exercise, and academics ...
It is all great to have those things... but what is a body without a mind.
A living spirit that feels good about him/her self.
Someone who does not have mental breakdowns at least once a week. Who does not cry every night because he cannot see his friends or family.
Who cannot have real fun and be with people he loves without the constant threat of leaving to go to somewhere we do not flourish in.
My mom's house is like heaven to me. Even if i have to pitch in and help clean, work, and care for others, that is only normal.
Right?
only normal.
Something that has never been part of my life.
If every time i go to my father's household i die a little, than what's left?
What the ******** do i have ******** left when i leave my father's house for the last time. To go on once i am 18?
A dead soul?
Someone who has been tortured his whole ******** life because my dad doesn't ******** know how to take care of his own damn kids?
I...
I...
I want to break free.
I need to break free, and I have no willpower left to do so... I ran out.
I need help. I need help... please help me... please. please....
Why does it have to be this way?
What do I have to gain from leaving my mom.
She is tortured from not being with us.
She is hurt every time I see something and i get a bad memory from my dad's house.
She hates it when I am in pain.
She loves me.
But... but i am still stuck in this never ending hell. This place that seems healthy. that to the outside is fine but in the inside every thing is ******** up.
I AM TIRED OF IT.
MAKE IT ALL ******** END NOW!
I..
I have one fear stopping me from walking right up to the judge and telling him how i feel.
The fear that i will lose any precious time with my mom...
I would rather continue this hell than lose anything with my mom.
I love it here so much.
I do not know what to do.
My mother is sitting downstairs thinking about why I am crying while i am sitting here.
She only hears what i tell her.
She only hears my pains and what i have to say.
To me, she is the only one who understands me enough for me to talk to her.
I cannot live without my mom.
Without her i would be more of a mess than i am right now.
Every day i think about how sweet my mom's house is.
At my dad's house the nights before i go to my mom's I sit there in bed for hours because i cannot wait to go... I cannot wait to break free and be able to just live life how it should- with love. With Real love. love that can only come from a few people in the world.
and without it people die.
Inside. they die.
They are no body.
I made this Gaian what it is today just so i have some feeling of what I was.
My lips are soggy with tears and my eyes are red.
I am cold but no air is blowing on me.
No breeze.
No life.
The fear is gripping me again. The same idea of living with my dad consuming me, choking me.
Causing me to gag and feel a need to breathe.... o ******** hell JUST GET ME OUT!
I AM TIRED.
I am sad.
and most of all.
I am dead.
How would you feel?
 Wraith_92 · Mon Jul 23, 2007 @ 04:24am · 10 Comments |
