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Let's see...I'm on what story now? Oh, goody, the Schmergy's blog fic!
Note: This story has an incomplete sequel, as well. Will post when sequel is finished (just like Power of Suggestion.)
The Dark Lord's Blog:
Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
USER PROFILE
Username: thedarklord666
Location: Behind you
Position: Sitting or standing, if not lying down.
Hair: No
Eyes: Red
Height: More than you
Hobbies: Genocide, plotting, conspiring, tutoring underprivileged children in Parseltongue As A Second Language, shouting ‘IMBECILES!’, performing Unforgivable Curses, painting in oil pastels, ruining Harry Potter’s life.
Favourite Celebrity: Ralph Fiennes
Favourite Food: The best cereal ever, Cruci-Os.
Favourite Catchphrase: Avada Kedavra!
September 22
As I paced back and forth in my study–a rather odd name, as surprisingly little study ever goes on in it, although quite a lot of plotting and conspiring does tend to ensue after I’ve spent some time in there–plotting, conspiring, and stroking my invisible beard (I would never grow a beard; beards are tacky, and they only look good on Salazar Slytherin… did I mention that a certain man whose name starts in ‘D’ and ends in ‘Umbledore’ is a perfect reason not to ever grow a beard?) while trying to find a way to once and for all obliterate Harry Potter and repugnant run-on sentences such as this one, inspiration struck. The inspiration, unfortunately, did not lead to a brilliant, never-fail plan to defeat Potter, and nor was it a brilliant, never-fail plan to cure myself and other similarly afflicted individuals of our bad grammatical habits. (As you could tell from that last sentence, it’s not true that I never care about others. Whoever said I had no concern for others was WRONG. Wrong, I tell you! I-N-C-O-R-R-E-C-T spells wrong!) In any case, the inspiration struck me like a bolt of lightning, a bolt of lightning completely unlike Potter’s scar in any way, shape, or form. Because this bolt of lightning was a signal, a signal that spoke out to me, crying out, appealing to the deepest shadowed realms of my soul (or lack thereof.) And its message was, “Lord Voldemort, you should totally start your own blog!”
Well, who was I to deny a bolt of pure inspiration? So I did as it suggested, and as you can see, I started this blog.
Now, before you make all sorts of snide comments about me using Muggle technology (and don’t think I can’t hear you through that computer screen–the Dark Lord sees all, including you, the flabby one in the grey shirt. Stop picking your nose this instant, as that’s a school computer you’re using, and you could spread germs to others. And since I care about others, I really would not want them to get sick just because of you.), allow me to remind you that although computers are a Muggle invention (and I just happen to be extremely well-versed in them because it’s always wise to know our enemies), a blog is really just a modern variant of the common diary. And Dark Lord knows (yes, I know that means ‘I know,’ but it has a deliciously malevolent ring to it) that I am an accomplished diarist. I really put my soul into my writing. Literally. My old school diary, in fact, contained a fragment of my…
WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?! Don’t answer that question. You won’t be able to answer it, as I am a talented Occlumens and Leglimens, and only I know my own thoughts. But what I meant by my badly-punctuated exclamation of WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?! was, why did I come so close to revealing something that quite obviously should never be posted on the internet for any Tom (that’s me), d**k (don’t know any), or Harry (the brat) to read and learn? If you’re a young and impressionable person reading this, I want you to really think about this. Never post personal information that you wouldn’t want your worst enemy to know. Why, wouldn’t it be astonishingly foolish for me to post, “GUESS WHAT? ONE OF MY HORCRUXES IS ROWENA RAVENCLAW’S CHARM BRACELET!” right here on this blog? So, me being the intelligent Ruler Of All Darkness that I am, I would never post something like that. And you should follow that example. That’s my advice for you young and impressionable readers, because I really do care about you. My further advice for you is that all Mudblood scum must die, and that if you want to survive, you should join me. Contact me if you’re interested in this offer. My email address is voldypwns@vmail.co.uk.
Where was I? Ah yes, at my computer desk. In any case, watch this blog for updates. I’ll try to post every day, if possible. Oh, and if you’re a Death Eater, friend me, and then go to my private profile for our schedule of Death Eater meetings for the upcoming year, including the date changes for the Annual October Muggle-Mass-Murdering Spree and the Annual April Spring Frolics, Fashion Show, and Ice Cream Social.
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAY!
OOH! FIRST POST!! IN YOUR FACES!
Master, this blog is only one of the many marks of your immeasurable genius.
(Posted by wormtail77)
Subj: Editing
“Absolutely thrilling, master, and I agree about beards. But there are a few slight problems with your writing, and I’d be all too happy to help you correct them.
(Posted by hbpmaster)
RE: Subj: Editing
Severus, consider this an e-Crucio. You’re a faithful servant, but I cannot have you criticizing my writing skill. After all, since when has anyone eagerly read anything you’ve written? And I’m a bit concerned that you would agree with me about beards, as I normally don’t trust your fashion judgement.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
Subj: OMG
u r sooo smrt!!!11!!1!!one!!1!! i cant wait 4 mor!11!1 im thinking i mite hav 2 start a blog 2 it mite even be betr than urs… LOLJKJK!!!1!11!!eleven!!1!
(Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x)
RE: Subj: OMG
Bellatrix, dearest, maybe Severus could help you with your spelling and grammar. He’s been a tad insufferable since he became a PI accredited beta reader.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
Subj: Disgruntled ghostwriter
How dare you take all of the credit for my writing? You disgust me!
(Posted by Schmerg_The_Impaler)
RE: Subj: Disgruntled ghostwriter
Might I remind you, Schmergo my love, that you are a mere Muggle and could therefore be killed extremely easily? You may do well to keep that in mind, poppet. And do your Geometry homework. You have a big test on Unit 1 on Monday, and if you fail, your mother won’t let you write any more fanfiction until you improve your grade. Because I really care about your welfare. That, and I wouldn’t be able to write this blog all by myself.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
September 23
CURRENT MUSIC: “A Day In The Life,” by The Beatles.
Today, I read an interesting article. Or, should I say, “I read the news today, oh boy…” E-Crucios to all who didn’t get that reference. In any case, I read an article about something called Marfan’s Syndrome. Apparently, it’s sometimes caused by inbreeding, and some of the signs of someone who has it are being extremely tall and thin, having unusually long fingers, weird eyes… it sounds ghastly. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone to whom that description applies, so it must be a rare affliction. The name sounds familiar, though. It sounds a bit like ‘Morfin,’ which I’m sure I’ve heard before, but I just can’t remember where. Maybe I’m thinking of the ‘Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers…’ which I’ve never seen, although the pink power ranger was not bad to look at. A certain servant of mine, whose name I will not mention, but it rhymes with “Snake Foe Foul Boy,” was completely obsessed with that show, and he himself preferred the yellow power ranger.
This is a very short entry, but the main reason why I am writing this is to make the point that, although when it comes to my busy life, this is a slow news day (although I’m sure you would like a detailed account of my trip to the spa, especially you, x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x, I’m afraid there are some things I simply cannot disclose), I am one who always sticks to his promises. And I promised that I would post an entry every day. I also promised that I would destroy Harry Potter. Plus, wormtail77 promised that he would get me one of those great drinks from Jamba Juice (which he did, and it was tasty), and hbpmaster promised that he would beta Schmerg_The_Impaler’s fanfictions for her (and he did; this is one of the fine fruits of his efforts, although he failed to edit this badly-written sentence), and x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x promised that she would change her username from something other than mrsvoldemort, being a married woman and all (and she did, although her current username is hardly better). So, really, we’re all men of our word, except for x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x, who is, in fact, a woman.
RANDOM THING OF THE DAY NOT TO TRY AT HOME, KIDS: I made quite an unusual scientific discovery today in my study. If one duct-tapes the handle of a toaster down so that it doesn’t pop up, then places a strawberry pop tart into it (and it has to be strawberry; I tried it with other flavours, and they really don’t work), after some time, three-foot blue flame will shoot out, the tart will be launched into the air (immediately transformed into a Flaming Pastry Of Doom), and the toaster will explode in quite a dramatic and moderately awesome manner. This is extremely interesting, I think, because think how useful this could be in fighting that pathetic Order of the Phoenix. You could place a toaster set up like this under each of their chairs while they’re having a meeting, and BOOM! The whole Order will go up in smoke. Literally. But unlike their titular phoenix, they will NOT be resurrected. Because they’re too goody-goody to make horcruxes, haha!
MEMO TO SELF: Get a better evil laugh than ‘haha.’ Suggestions are welcome in the ‘comments’ section.
COMMENTS:
SUBJ: YAAAAAY!
W00t! First post again!
Phantasmagorical, master! I’m so glad you enjoyed the Jamba Juice. And might I suggest for an evil laugh the classic, “hehehehehe?”
(Posted by wormtail 77)
SUBJ: Snake Foe Foul Boy
I liked your blog, my lord, but one part really confused me. Who was this mysterious (and attractive sounding) Snake Foe Foul Boy who shared my interest in the yellow Power Ranger? I must know!
(Posted by prettynpureblood)
RE: SUBJ: Snake Foe Foul Boy
Ask your father. I’m sure he’d know. By the way, that’s a truly repulsive username,
(Posted by thedarklord666)
SUBJ: Beatles
I never did like the Beatles. I personally prefer more current music myself. Nothing beats those bling-bedecked rappers with their fancy canes so similar to mine. I often enjoy having break-dancing contests with my son, if he’s not too busy watching that television show, the one with the girl in yellow spandex of whom he’s so fond.
(Posted by daddylusciouslocks)
RE: SUBJ: Beatles
Hmm. Apparently bad taste in pop culture and usernames are hereditary.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
SUBJ: married woman
sad
(Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x)
Re: SUBJ: married woman
If you think I can be swayed by a frowny face, then you obviously don’t know me as well as you thought you did. Sorry, but I’m a free agent, and I’m not ever going to have a girlfriend, especially one who is married to someone else. I might encourage mass-murder and prejudice, but there are some things that I really can’t tolerate, and there are some ethics I simply must follow. And that’s one of them. Another one is to never wear white shoes after Labour Day.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
SUBJ: Disgruntled ghostwriter writes again
I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that plagiarism is lame, and that your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
(Posted by Schmerg_The_Impaler)
Re: Subj: Disgruntled ghostwriter writes again
Don’t get all uptight on me. I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition or anything.
(Posted by thedarklord666)
Chapter 2: A Selected List Of Imbeciles
September 24
A Brief Catalogue of Selected Imbeciles (aka, My Semi-Annual Hit List Top 10)
1. Harry Potter (Big surprise here…) Because he’s a stupid brat who’s incredibly untalented at dying (he just can’t seem to get the hang of it), and he thinks he’s better than me. Plus, his hair REALLY BOTHERS ME. Hasn’t he ever heard of a comb?
2. Josh Groban. Because he has such a really magnificent voice and it makes me get an inferiority complex every time I listen to him. And this is dangerous, because I should know by now that I’m superior to everyone, INCLUDING Josh Stinkin’ Groban. Not to mention that hearing him sing “You Raise Me Up” brings tears to my eyes, and that’s probably bad for my image.
3. Ronald Weasley. Because he’s a pathetic, sniveling sidekick to Harry Potter, and he gets all of the good lines.
4. All the other Weasleys. Because they’re Muggle-loving scum, and they produced the above imbecile.
5. The lady in the Head-On commercial. Seriously, she bothers me! Like, if I put this stuff on my head, all of my troubles will go away, AND I’ll get to look incredibly stupid at the same time? That’s just too good to be true.
6. Hermione Granger. Because she has hair so voluminous, she probably has twenty-eight forks, a pet parrot, my Great Aunt Zelda, and the complete works of William Shakespeare up there, and I’m bald. I know that bald is beautiful, but I can’t help but get jealous of her hair. Also, she has such an obnoxious shrill voice, and she hangs around with Potter and Company.
7. The blue power ranger. I think his name is Billy. Seriously, how can a nerdy, glasses-wearing bloke like him become a POWER RANGER?!?! I’D be a better Power Ranger! WORMTAIL would be a better Power Ranger! And also… how come the nerdy blue power ranger managed to land Kimberly, the incredibly attractive pink power ranger? Unfair much?
8. Schmergo. The brat thinks she’s so great just because she writes fanfiction. Well la-de-da, isn’t that special. SO DO STINKIN’ MILLIONS OF PEOPLE! I bet even the blue power ranger writes fanfiction!
9. Whoever invented reinforcements. You know, those evil little circles that you put on looseleaf paper when the little holes rip through. I just can’t get reinforcements to work properly; I always end up ripping the paper because the reinforcements get stuck to my fingers, and then I have to start all over again! AAAAARGH!
10. Dumbledore. Oh wait, haha. Silly me. It’s so hard to keep track of who I’ve killed these days… you know how it is.
And now, to compare and contrast with that list, here is A Brief Catalogue of Selected Death Eaters:
1. Peter Pettigrew. Why is he number one? Because he’s my right hand man. Literally! Like, seriously, he chopped off his own hand for me… wow, I crack myself up. Plus, he lives near Jamba Juice, so he always brings me some. But his total lack of hygiene habits and total excess of tooth are a tad distracting, so I tend to lose my appetite when I look at him.
2. Lucius Malfoy. I don’t even know what he’s doing as a Death Eater, since he’s rich, snobby, and good-looking. Almost none of the Death Eaters are good-looking, which is probably why they’ve all turned to a life of crime. Lucius also has impeccable fashion sense, and he designed all of our snazzy Death Eater uniforms. They’re deliciously ominous-looking. However, I’m always a tad nervous that Lucius wants to create his own sinister organization, because he’s really not very talented at sucking up to me. The way he ends every word he says with ‘izzle’ is also a smidge confusing to decipher.
3. Severus Snape. That man may have a face about as attractive as a jury duty notice, but he’s a good servant. Intelligent, too, which helps-- it’s always nice to have someone to slave away coming up with brilliant ideas for which you can later take all of the credit. (What can I say, I’m evil. It’s part of my job.) Snape also has some pretty witty comments to make about Harry Potter, which I truly appreciate. And I bet there’s absolutely no chance that he’s secretly a double-double agent who is spying on me for the Order. That would just be unfeasible!
4. Bellatrix Lestrange: One of the few Death Eater females (who has suggested that we change our name to Death Nibblers so as not to imply gluttony), she can be rather overzealous… not that that’s a bad thing or anything! I appreciate her grape-feeding skills. Keep the grapes coming, Bella. She also has a lot to say on the subject of torture-- it just makes her eyes light right up, and she goes all smiley and dreamy just talking about the Cruciatus Curse. Lovely girl, and extremely loyal… to me, that is. I can’t say the same thing about her attitude toward her husband.
5. Rodolphus Lestrange: He’s a good servant, I guess. But really, he lets his wife push him around like he’s a watermelon in a shopping cart. One would almost think she has him under the Imperius curse. But that would be unfeasible!
6. Fenrir Greyback: Great servant. Terrible dinner guest.
7. Draco Malfoy: He’s very young and quite new to the organization (Fresh blood, as Fenrir would say), so he’s a little bit different from most of my servants. For instance, he wears a bit more spandex than most and seems to think that sneering should be made an Olympic sport. Not that I’m bitter or anything due to my lack of lips. But really, sneering has never really been an effective method of torture, unless you’re trying to torture a weenie-tot like Potter. Of course, just say a ‘yer mum’ joke to Potter, and he’ll collapse onto the ground howling in agony about how his mother is dead… lame to the third power.
8. Pyrites: Not much to say about him. JK Rowling wrote him out after the earliest drafts of “Philosopher’s Stone.” Pity, he was quite useful while he lasted.
9. Crabbe and Goyle: I’m counting them as one person because they can almost complete the thought process if they work together and rub their one brain cell each together. Brute force is always nice, though, which is why I keep them around.
10. Josh Groban: Wait, never mind. He quit ages ago.
Comments:
Subj: YAAAAAY!
First post again! Master, I don’t quite follow what you were saying about me. I suppose I’ll take it as a compliment.
--Posted by wormtail77.
Subj: No, dawg.
Master, I would NEVER EVER start another sinister organization! Just because I have impeccable fashion taste and good looks, I would never succeed at taking over London by storm, especially not up against you!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks.
Re: Subj: No dawg.
Lucius, I said before that you’re no good at sucking up, and it still rings true.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: lolz
yay!!!!!1!!!1!!1one!!11! u talkd about me in ur blog!1!!!!! And yea teh crucios r soooo fun!!1!!!!
--Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x
Subj: In regards to Fenrir Greyback
Hello, my name is Reinhaldt Aristotle Brandt, and I am Fenrir Greyback’s personal secretary and a close friend of his. And I would like to say that he’s really not all that bad. I’m not just saying this because he’s currently threatening to devour me, either.
--Posted by rab411
Subj: Crabbe and Goyle
This is me, Reinhaldt Aristotle Brandt again, and I am also Crabbe Sr. and Goyle Sr.’s personal secretary. As they are incapable of using a computer properly, I’ve been asked to give you this message from them: “I think I would be mad at you if I could understand what you were saying about me.”
--Posted by rab411
Re: Subj: Crabbe and Goyle:
You need to get a better job.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Evil laugh
Might I suggest muhahaha? or the more classical bwahahaha?
--Posted by hermy_loves_ron (from MNFF)
Re: Subj: Evil laugh
Thank you very much, but I have to say, I’ve already chosen an evil laugh. You may have heard it in PotterPuppetPals… “Ahahahahaha! Hogwarts is mine!”
Subj: Wow
I just stumbled across your blog, and I can’t begin to tell you how interesting I find it. Keep up the good work!
--Posted by blondeD
Chapter 3: R.A.B. And Romance
Sept 25
You know what I just hate? When a day that was shaping up to be really quite marvelous goes truly and utterly awful! Kind of like that soy-milk cappuccino that tasted fabulous at first, but after I left it on my porch for three weeks, it tasted really bad. I still haven’t figured out why. But that’s not the point.
Today started out great. I sprung out of bed singing (this may have something to do with all of the soy-milk cappuccinos I drank. But that’s not the point. Besides, the song was “Brain Damage” by Pink Floyd, so I can’t say it was entirely cheerful), got dressed (because evil needs no shower), and waltzed downstairs. The first thing I noticed was the pink polo shirt I’d dropped off at the dry cleaners’ the day that I was vanquished and ripped from my body sixteen years ago… IT WAS FINALLY RETURNED! And they’d gotten all of the blood and ketchup stains out! (What? I wore it to the Annual October Death Eater Barbeque and Mass-Murdering Spree!) Then, I prepared myself a tasty pop-tart breakfast, destroying a toaster in the process (because I believe in doing at least six destructive things before breakfast), and plopped myself down on my La-Z-Wizard to watch the Pokemon Marathon on television. (As a side note, it reminds me of a joke I once heard: Why should you never take a shower with Pokemon? Because they Peek-at-chu! Curiously enough, the boy who told me this joke is now deceased. This is not a coincidence.)
In any case, I was having a great time. Then the mail came. And I’m sorry to say that I got a letter that really did not make me happy at all. This is what it said:
DEAR LORD MOULDY-SHORTS,
Yeah, that’s right, I called you Lord Mouldy-Shorts! And guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it, because you don’t know who I am! HAHAHA! In any case, I found something of yours that was rather pretty. It’s a cup, and it has the Hufflepuff crest on it. It was so pretty that I’m sorry to have completely crushed it to smithereens and destroyed your precious horcrux. Yep, I know it was a horcrux. Same goes for that locket thing-- did I forget to mention, I got rid of that too. I thought it was about time I mentioned that. I would like to add that furthermore, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. That is all.
Not really all that sincerely,
R.A.B.
R.A.B.! Who the blazes might that be? What kind of impudent little lump of slime mold would write such a truly insulting letter to me? And how did he know about my horc… h… *HAPPY THINGS*? Naturally, I compiled a list at once of every R.A.B. that I know, and here’s what I got:
1. Rashid Antoine “Stubby” Boardman: I beat him in “Battle of the Bands” in seventh year with my band, Tom and The Riddles. He’s been jealous of me ever since.
2. Ruth Ashley Borgin: Yes, his name is Ruth Ashley. That’s why his first name was never mentioned in canon-- he was embarrassed of it. His parents wanted a girl. In any case, I used to work for him when I was younger, and he’s probably upset that he never got Hepzibah Smith’s precious treasures from me.
3. Regulus Arcturus Black: I had him killed years ago. Of course, there’s the chance that the assassin failed and old Reggie is still alive. But that would be unfeasible! I only put him on this list because of the hundreds of people who sent me emails insisting that Regulus be included.
4. Really Ancient Bloke: I don’t know, but there are lots of those around.
5. Rhythm and Blues: No idea, it just came to mind.
6. Ralph “Angioplasty” Bagman: Ludo’s brother; my lawyer. He’s hated me ever since he lost his job for finding absolutely nothing he could say to defend me.
7. Rabastan Lestrange: Rodolphus’s brother; we call him Rab for short. But he’s a complete idiot, so I seriously doubt that he has anything to do with this.
8. Relax and Breathe: My yoga studio. I got kicked out for murdering people when they were meditating. But I couldn’t help it! Their eyes were closed, and they were sitting so still… I simply couldn’t resist!
9. Rosy Ann Basilisk: Words could not convey the misery that would ensue if my own basilisk was behind all of this. How could she betray me, after all I’ve done for her, and all of the lovely students I’ve fed her? I hope it’s not Rosy.
10. Robert Andrew Bryant: My dentist. Who knows what happens under the influence of Novocain? I certainly hope I didn’t accidentally reveal the locations of my horcru… *HAPPY THINGS*.
11. Red and Blue (Power Rangers): I wouldn’t put it past them, the stinkers.
12. Reinhaldt Aristotle Brandt: After all, his username is rab411. But I’ve never even met the guy. If R.A.B. is him, then I ate your pet flying pig for dinner last night.
13. Rutger Aloysius Blossombottom: Josh Groban’s secret identity.
14. Rather Annoying Boy: Naturally, Harry Potter.
15. A rabbi?
16. A rabbit?
Well, R.A.B., you’d better watch out, because I am going to get you, so I will. And I’m keeping a very close watch on my remaining two… *HAPPY THINGS*
But now my day is completely ruined, and to make matters worse, I think I’m beginning to get an ingrown toenail. Blast, if I have to pay Lucius for another pedicure, I’m going to scream.
Blast.
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAY!
I always post first, because I’m the most loyal servant! But R.A.B. is not, because he’s bad! Ew, R.A.B.! Nasty! He’s so mean!
--Posted by wormtail77.
Subj: Ruth Ashley…?
Great, now I’ll never be able to look Borgin in the eye again.
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks
Re: Subj: Ruth Ashley…?
And I’ll never be able to look Rosy in the eye again. Of course, that has nothing to do with her being on my R.A.B. list and everything to do with the fact that she’s a basilisk.
--Posted by thedarklord666
Subj: ongzz!!
zomg ok well rab is soooo dum i mean com on wat is his problem u no?!?1?!??!11!? yea but i remember that pink shirt cos i gave it to u for xmas that 1 time!!!11!?!?!?
--Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x
Re: Subj: ongzz!!
You gave me the pink shirt? You mean the one from Hollister? I could have sworn my Great Auntie Mavis gave it to me for my fortieth birthday, the same birthday when I got the B-52s to perform for me! But then, that night is hazy in my memory anyway.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Aww
Oh, you poor dear! I feel so sorry for you-- you’ve had a really rough day. If you need an outlet for your stress, you can always take up ballet lessons, or go puppy stomping or something, whatever makes you happy. Keep writing-- your life is so fascinating!
--Posted by blondeD
Re: Subj: Aww
Who are you? And where’s the nearest puppy stomping party?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Me?
I am frankly insulted that you would even suggest that I am R.A.B. Do you honestly think that the meanest name I’m capable of thinking up is Mouldy-Shorts? Now I’m sad.
--Posted by rab411.
Subj: On Rosy’s Behalf
This is me, Nagini, using the BabelFish translation system to translate this message from Parseltongue. Listen, Volders, you’ve had some truly brilliant ideas (like the invention of the Nehru jacket) but Rosy-Ann Fluffy Slyther the Basilisk is definitely not R.A.B. She is the sweetest, kindest snakeling ever. She’s just misunderstood due to her hunger for human flesh and her tendency to kill people just by looking at them. But she’s got a family of eight (they live in the toilets in the boys’ restroom), and she’s a really lovely basilisk once you get to know her. We’ve had many conversations over tea, and we’ve really had some great female bonding opportunities. And Rosy loves you, Voldykins. She would never betray you, though she does wonder why you never wear that cloak she crocheted you out of her shed skin. It’s really becoming.
--Posted by sparklediva00
Re: Subj: On Rosy’s Behalf
Nagini, I am frankly terrified that you can use a computer. And now I’m beginning to wonder if the delivery of a pink Cadillac and the Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits CD shipped from eBay weren’t really a freak mix-up. You wouldn’t have anything to do with that, would you?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Sept 26
And now, my friends (or, to use a better word, minions), it is time to take a trip to the Department of Backstory. So many of you faithful readers have asked why I have such little interest in romance. Well, I could give you a short answer or long one, so I’ll give you both. The short answer is, I have a birth defect-- not a physical deformity, but a deficiency of love. But I wasn’t born without hormones, so that’s what caused the long answer scenario to happen.
So what’s the long answer? Well, picture me, sweet sixteen. I had a nose then, and hair, and actually, I was quite the Slytherin stud. Yes, I had it all-- brains, looks, teachers eating out of the palm of my hand, loyal followers, and adults never suspected a thing about the evil plans I was concocting. But there was one thing that I didn’t have-- there was a girl in my year who was absolutely stunning. She was beautiful, intelligent, Scottish… what more could a boy ask for? She was as tall as a five-foot-seven inch tree, her flowing black locks glistened like nose hair after a sneeze, her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the middle, and she caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Her name was Minerva McGonagall.
Well, I got it into my little adolescent head that I wanted Minnie (as I called her) to go to the Valentine’s Day Ball with me (I didn’t want to look stupid dancing on my own or anything), so one day, I stood on top of the Slytherin table at breakfast and serenaded her with a beautiful ballad:
“My life is brilliant
My love is pure
I saw an angel
Of that I’m sure
She smiled at me in the hallway
She was with another man
But I’ve been plotting all night long
And I’ve got a plan!
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don’t know what to do.
I wish I could dance with you!”
Well, I though it was a good song, (of course, I didn't write it all on my own; I stole a lot of it from James Blunt) but Minnie informed me in front of the whole school that my voice sounded like a cat with its tail caught in a door hinge, and that furthermore, she found it creepy the way I always wore eyeliner. The next day, I received a howler that sang a song to me in what sounded suspiciously like Minnie’s voice, singing a tune that sounded suspiciously like my own. But the words were different:
“My life is brilliant
Your life’s a joke
You’re just pathetic
You’re always broke
Your homemade Star Trek uniform
Really ain’t impressing me
You’re suffering from delusions of adequacy!
You’re pitiful, you’re pitiful, you’re pitiful, it’s true.
Never had a date
And I wouldn’t wait--
‘Cause you smell repulsive,too
I will never dance with you.”
Well, as you can imagine, it was a tad bit embarrassing, especially since Minnie had spent seven years training with the Scottish Opera Company. And from that day on, I’ve never attempted to ask anyone out again. EVER! And I don’t plan to ever again.
COMMENTS:
Subj: WHAT?!?!?!
omg wut do u mean u wont go out w/ any1!>??,!1?!? minreva mcgonnigle is sooooo [CENSORED] she is such a [CENSORED] [CENSORED] her [CENSORED] is lyk so [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] SHE IS THE BIGGEST [CEEEEENNNNNSOOOOORRRRREEEEDDD] EVAH!!1!!!11!!eleven!~!
--Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_
Re: Subj: WHAT?!?!?!
Now, now, Bella. It’s one thing to glorify murder and senseless violence, but when it comes to language, I want this blog to be a family-appropriate community. The only cursing I want to see is Crucios and Avada Kedavras.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Noooooo!
How can this be? I wasn’t the first post! Bella beat me! I’m… I’m so upset! I have to go drown my sorrows in a cheese-flavoured latte!
--Posted by wormtail77.
Subj: Plagiarism
I hope you’re letting people know that you didn’t actually write that song you sang to Minnie. That’s by James Blunt. And Minnie’s version is a tweaked version of something by Weird Al Yankovic.
--Posted by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Subj: You wore eyeliner?
You really wore eyeliner when you went to school? I knew I wasn’t the only one! I knew that somewhere… out there… there must be…
--Posted by prettynpureblood.
Subj: You’re kidding me
Draco, I just read your post. I thought I told you that you weren’t allowed to wear the eyeliner, because Malfoy men are real men, not eyeliner-wearing sissies! You’re grounded, young man, and no computer for a month. AND NO SINGING!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks.
Subj: That’s so unfair!
You’re so mean, Dad! You don’t understand me!
--Posted by prettynpureblood
Subj: Gosh, guys
Get your own blog. People are here to read about me. Who cares about you servants?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Minerva McGonagall?
Master, not to offend you, but your taste in girls when you were young left something to be desired.
--Posted by hbpmaster.
Subj: That’s too bad
I’m really sorry to hear that you don’t date. Sometimes, we find that it’s better to put the past behind us, the mistakes we made then, behind us and move on. You never know until you try.
--Posted by blondeD.
Re: Subj: That’s too bad.
WHO. ARE. YOU?!?! Do I have to go all Alice-In-Wonderland-Freaky-Caterpillar-Thing on you?
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Chapter 4: Fan Mail
Sept 27th
This entry of my blog is a highly unique one. I am answering selected questions posed by various admirers, minions, and even mortal enemies. If you fit into any of the three aforementioned groups and asked me a question that I haven’t answered, then I had a good reason for it. Those good reasons include, but are not limited to, the following: Your question was lame/required a masters’ degree in physics to answer/would cause embarrassment if I answered/not family appropriate/so family appropriate that it was boring/ my entry was already too long and I couldn’t include more questions/I was just too lazy to answer. If none of those applied, then you’re probably a mudblood and don’t deserve to have your question answered.
And now, on with the questions.
Posted by _Dumbledore’s Girl_ from MNFF: What is your fav kind of pop tart? And the question we've all been dying to know... boxers or briefs? Lol I'm weird!
The Dark Lord’s Reply: I’ll agree to the last statement. Well, well, well, let‘s see... My favourite kind of pop-tart would have to be strawberry Kellog’s, the frosted kind with the nice little sprinkles on top. Not only are they amazingly tasty, but they also are highly effective for blowing up toasters. (The unfrosted kind works, too, but the frosted kind taste better, and that light pink glaze just makes my mouth water.)
And the answer to your second question?
Neither.
No further comments.
Posted by dogluver from MNFF: i will ask u a question. or if u put it "questionS" ha!! the only diiff is the S!!! o yeah, the q's, (they r both random!!!) weeelll, who do u think draco inspandex malfoy loves more, the yellow power ranger or himself??? aaaanndddd, does santa claus exist?? do u dress up like him around christmas time???? pretty please answer that.
The Dark Lord’s Reply: How can you use punctuation marks as liberally as you do when there are people starving in China? But in any case, I will answer your “questionS” as they are highly imaginative and mildly disturbing-- a combination I’ve always enjoyed myself.
Draco “Inspandex” Malfoy… I’m now quite sure that I’ll never be able to think of him as anything else. I can just see it written on his future business cards. So who does Spandex Man love more, the yellow power ranger or himself? Well, truth be told, I think the lad truly believes that he IS the yellow power ranger.
Does Santa Claus exist? He once did…
What? Don’t get mad at me! I NEEDED the North Pole for my evil power base! The Claus-ster was putting up too much of a fight; he wouldn’t desert it quietly! I HAD to take it by force-- I had no other choice! And besides, those elves make excellent henchpeople.
I think that’s also a satisfactory answer to your third question.
Posted by totally obsessed from MNFF: the two questions that everyone wants to know: a) white milk, or dark chocolate (and a side version of this: vanilla or chocolate ice cream?). b) what type of music does he listen to? (lame, i know, but i can completely imagine dear old voldy listening to bach, mozart, beethoven when he's thinking up a master evil plan!)
The Dark Lord’s Reply: I am appalled. How could you discriminate between different colored milks like that? That is called ‘prejudice‘. I may have a large and extremely malevolent organization devoted solely to killing off what I believe is the weaker race, but at least I’m not a milk racist. However, you, madamoiselle, are a milk racist, and you will take that horrific title to the grave.
But although you are a milk racist, I’ll answer your second question. I’m not a huge fan of classical music, because it’s rather hard to play air guitar on a snake when your massive ghetto-blaster stereo is pumping out “Bach’s Greatest Hits.” No, it’s much more fun to play snakey-air-guitar to classic rock by Pink Floyd, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, David Bowie… I’m a rock junkie, and I also love Broadway musicals, especially “The Phantom of the Opera,” “Spamalot,” and “Wicked.” In case you were curious, I sing First Soprano.
I don’t care for rap or hip-hop, though. To me, it sounds like (in the wise words of humour writer Dave Barry) a bunch of angry men screaming because the guy who was supposed to bring the melody forgot to come. I must also confess that Lucius Malfoy (stage name: Daddy Luscious) has somewhat spoiled the genre of hip-hop for me. If I have to hear him perform one more rendition of the less family-appropriate songs by the Black Eyed Peas, I swear I am going to start having seizures.
I’ve been asked on numerous occasions if I like the Spice Girls. I do not. Because Scary Spice isn’t really scary (and gives antagonists everywhere a bad name), Ginger Spice reminds me of the Weasleys (good thing Ginger quit the Spice Girls when she did), Posh Spice reminds me of how my relatives were poor (THE SHAME!), Baby Spice reminds me of how I was once defeated by an infant (THE SHAME!!), and Sporty Spice reminds me of how the Gryffindors beat the Slytherins 5,679,833.2 to 0 in my one and only game as a Keeper back when I was in school. (THE SHAME!!!)
And one more singer I admire. I know every song performed by Josh Groban. Even the ones he sang in his Kingergarten choir. Enough said.
Posted by SIRIUS WILL NOT DIE from MNFF: Volders, honey? Do you need a hug?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: NOT YOU, TOO! No, I do not need a hug! I’m fine! The Dark Lord needs no one. Why do girls always love a man who’s hard to get? It may be because all girls are evil, but if that’s the case, then why are there so few female Death Eaters?
Posted by James Jameson from MNFF: Question for Voldy Dearest. Have you ever come over any bumps and bruises while plotting against anyone? Ever debate on whether or not to do a murder painfully, or quickly?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: E-crucios to thee-crucios. (Sorry, Lucius is standing behind me and his rapping is rubbing off on me.) I don’t even let Bellatrix call me ‘Voldy Dearest‘, and are you my most loyal servant? I think not. In fact, you’ve probably never eaten death in your life! When people address me as ‘Voldy Dearest,’ horrible things tend to happen, including, but not limited to: global warming, bad hair days, spontaneous combustion of people and/or toasters, the arrival of those horrid little flies that are always getting in your nose, you getting disemboweled and having your intestines strung up around your house like Christmas lights, and THIS: http://www.rathergood.com/bananas/.
But passing over the hideous nicknames (at least you didn’t call me Smolderin’ Volders), I have, in fact, injured myself while at work. After all, being the Dark Lord is a dangerous job, but someone’s got to do it. Some of my more noteworthy injuries were… well, I don’t want this to get TOO violent, so I’ll just say that like a certain singer, I once had a nose. But unlike that singer, mine was not surgically removed. It was much worse, and may have involved bloodthirsty lobsters. Another time I got hurt was at the karaoke bar that one time, but I don’t talk about that one, either. Oh yeah… and there was that one wacky time when I tried to kill Harry Potter, but was ripped from my body and reduced to less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost! Hahahahaha NO.
As to your second question, I will confess that that has long been an issue of much internal struggle for me. It’s much more efficient to knock someone’s block off with a simple “Avada Kedavra,” but it’s more challenging and entertaining to watch your victim die a long, slow death-- and I admit, I have made the wrong choice more than once before. For instance, on the night I was resurrected, I dueled with Harry Potter, thinking it would just be a good laugh for my audience of Death Eaters-- but in an extremely unfortunate series of events, the brat managed to escape. Sigh. That’s why lately, I stick to the Avada Kedavra. Of course, this could cause some problems; one of the major paradoxes of Evil Overlord-ism is to that if you execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious, you will inevitably find yourself at some subsequent point shouting, "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!" (Note: I learned this from www.eviloverlord.com. This is a very real website with a very real list of rules for evil overlords, and I suggest you check it out.)
Posted by some_kinda_superstar from MNFF: Ok, here's a question for Voldy: What would be your advice to any young, aspiring evil-doers?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: My advice is that if you are an aspiring evil-doer, instead of risking it out on your own, join me. It’s fun, profitable, there’s great camaraderie, loads of murder, we have very flattering uniforms (come on, who DOESN’T love a man in Death Eater robes?), the refreshments are lovely (contrary to the name, we do not only eat death), and it doesn’t really hurt. Much. Except getting the Dark Mark permanently burned into your flesh twinges a bit. And the Crucios (e- or otherwise) are pretty bad. And… if I am especially bored and want you to lie down so I can stick forks into your eyes… well, I’ve been told that’s not the most fun activity imaginable. But join the Death Eaters anyway! It’s the fraternity of your dreams! (Although we don’t often have toga parties.)
Posted by M0jojojo from MNFF: Voldemort, u r absolutely insane, do u kw that?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: Why, yes. Yes, I do kay-doubleyew that. And if you really are Mojojojo, don’t even think you’re superior to me in the art of evil villainy. Salazar Slytherin is the only really great bad guy with a monkey face.
Posted by Grimmrook from MNFF: Hello Mr. Voldemort Sir. In the stories I'm currently writing, you're already dead (sorry about that), and one of the themes we explore is the idea that you may not have grown up to be such a ruthless killer had you only had a decent childhood. I was wondering what your thoughts on this were. Also, (sigh) my girlfriend wants to know: boxers or briefs?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: BOXERS OR BRIEFS?! Why on earth does everyone want to know that question? If you really must know, please see the very first question I answered. I specifically stated ‘no further questions’ in that entry.
I’m deceased in your stories? And you call yourself a writer? The impudence! I am immortal, and I will retain this immortality for the rest of my infinite life! Wow, the last sentence made absolutely no sense, even to me. In any case, I’m afraid that your fanfictions are completely inaccurate, and should probably be burned. And no, I don’t care if they’re only on your computer. Burn the hard drive. But… at least you apologized for killing me off. Instead of killing you, I’ll instead ask you exactly how you went about murdering me, and I’ll use that technique on the next person who irks me.
As for your philosophical and thought-provoking question, I find your findings to be, once again, inaccurate. I had a lovely childhood. Lots of rabbits to kill, lots of children to lure into caves, lots of toasters exploded and eyeliner applied… it was a fantastic life.
Posted by AurorGirl101 from MNFF: Question for our dear Lord Mouldy Shorts: Why don't you just e-Crucio R.A.B? DUH!
The Dark Lord’s Reply: Because I don’t know who R.A.B. is yet! DUH!
Posted by crazyhpgirl from MNFF: What prompted you to go for the whole snakey, nasty, BALD look? It's not very endearing to the people whom you wish to rule (or kill, whatever tickles your fancy).
The Dark Lord’s Reply: What prompted your momma to have you? That wasn’t very endearing, either. Four syllables, crazyhpgirl-- Eek. Roose. Ee. Oh. Put the syllables together, dear.
SCHMERG_THE_IMPALER’S REPLY: I am incredibly sorry about Voldypoo, crazyhpgirl. He’s very sensitive about his appearance. Please don’t listen to him.
Posted by just_the_contrary from MNFF: What is your favourite Halloween pastime? Do you enjoy scaring children or going on murderous rampages? Or do you prefer the more subtle method of poisoning candy bars or chasing them in the dark?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: What a lovely and timely question! Remind me to come to your place next time I’m recruiting new Death Eaters. I often find it amusing to slump over a lawn chair, pretending to be a scarecrow, and to hold a bowl of treats labeled “Take One.” Invariably, someone will take more than one, and I will leap out of the chair and violently accost that unfortunate child! Ha ha! What a scream! It’s also fun to put razor blades in apples and poisonous powder in the Pixie Sticks. One Halloween, I entertained myself by murdering the Potters (though that ended rather badly.) But the best method of Halloween torture, worse than any of the ones I mentioned, is to give out healthy treats like apples and raisins. You should see the children cry. It’s more effective than the Cruciatus Curse any day.
Posted by prettynpureblood: When will you return my set of DVDs of the first five seasons of Power Rangers?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: I’ve told you a million times, Draco! When I’m good and ready! (Except for the ‘good’ part. I’ll NEVER be good!)
Posted by Hedwig with a quill from MNFF: How would you react if you found out I was R.A.B and hiding under the username Hedwig with a quill?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: With six syllable. Av. Odd. Uck. Ed. Av. Rah. Sound it out.
You’re not really R.A.B., though, are you? You probably aren’t-- if you were R.A.B., you wouldn’t come right out and suggest that you are. UNLESS! You’re very clever and are messing with my mind by trying to convince me that you’re not R.A.B., when you really are. But! You know that I’m intelligent enough to see through this thinly veiled plot, and that you really are not R.A.B.! So, clearly I cannot choose the wine in front of me! Wait… wrong monologue of twisted logic.
Posted by Hpwizzzard from MNFF: Please ask our dear Dark Lord if he has ever thought of starting a chain of department stores called Volde-mart.
The Dark Lord’s Reply: What a splendid idea! I think I’ll steal it and not give you any credit whatsoever! Just like the bloke from Mugglenet who took this picture! http://www4.mugglenet.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=1649&pos=7 (This is incredibly random, but if you type ‘Mugglenet’ all in lowercase on my word processor, the spellcheck program automatically changes it to ‘euglena!’ That’s bizarre, and more than a little irritating!)
Posted by riddled from MNFF: How do you integrate log to the base e to the power of x squared?
The Dark Lord’s Reply: Why don’t you get a life? They’re on sale at Volde-Mart!
Posted by Strict_n_Scottish_Prof, aka Minerva McGonagall; forwarded by Alias_Tonks from MNFF: Oh, Voldemort, I'm so sorry about what I did to you! I was young and unready for a real relationship with a real man! Forgive me, please... and just don't wear eyeliner to our date, OK?
PS: [CENSORED] you, Bellatrix!!!
The Dark Lord’s Reply: Oh, Minnie! You have truly made my night! Are you really fo shizzle?
Posted by Strict_n_Scottish_Prof: No, of course not! If possible, this blog made me like you even less, and your description of me was NOT flattering!
The Dark Lord’s Reply: You’re a meanie, Minnie.
Chapter 5: The Plot Sickens -OR- Not-Fan Mail
P.S. I'm famous in this one! Cool, huh?
Sept. 28th
Some of you alert readers, whose names I will not mention, but if I did, one of them would start with a ‘P’ and end with an “eridot_Horntail,” and the other would start with an ‘H’ and end with an ‘edwig with a quill,” have pointed out what they believe to be an inconsistency in an earlier entry of mine.
You see, I’ve mentioned my dear basilisk, Rosy-Ann in a previous entry. But several of you have pointed out that Rosy-Ann actually died in “Harry Potter in the Chamber of Secrets,” and that it would thusly be rather hard for her to write me a letter as R.A.B.
Well, children, you shouldn’t believe everything you read in Harry Potter. Why, I bet you also believe that I was the less attractive of Quirrel’s two faces! Haha! In any case, Rosy-Ann was never dead. After the Potter brat stabbed her, she fainted at the thought of all of that blood, and after Potter made his getaway, Nagini and I nursed her back to health. She’s now as good as new and planning a wedding to her high school sweetheart, the Giant Squid. So don’t worry your ugly little heads about such matters.
What you SHOULD be worrying your ugly little heads about is all of the ridiculous mail I’ve received lately. For instance, this letter:
Not-Really-All-That Dear Lord Voldemort,
I am absolutely appalled at your actions. Even when you do something the slightest bit good, you have ulterior motives that make your good deed worthless. For instance, you mentioned that you killed Santa Claus in a previous entry. While I applaud this decision (surely you know that Santa Claus was the biggest elf slavedriver in the world, and to make matters worse, this fact has been glorified in children’s literature), you completely negated it by employing the elves as your slaves! Have you no shame?
Furthermore, it may interest you to know that your blog has been discovered by an Order of the Phoenix informant, who has read every entry out loud during Order meetings? While some aspects of your blog are indeed amusing, I was shocked and horrified by some of the content. For instance, that “Wrong Bananas” video in your last entry. As for the identity of the informant, there’s no way I’m telling you who that is, but I’d watch your step if I were you.
Absolutely no love whatsoever,
Hermione Jane Granger.
P.S. While I am flattered to be number six on your hit list and pleased that you are jealous of my hair, I assure you that I do not, in fact, have twenty-eight forks, a pet parrot, my Great Aunt Zelda, and the complete works of William Shakespeare concealed in my hair. At last count, there were only twenty-seven forks in there.
Well. Well, well, well. That was certainly something to make a Dark Lord choke on his Count Chocula cereal. (This is, by the way, not just a figure of speech, and I am, in fact, suing General Mills cereal. Those allegedly ‘fun-shaped’ marshmallows aren’t so much fun when they’re lodged in your trachea.) Who on earth could the informant be?! I’ll bet you anything that it’s that R.A.B. moron. Well, I wouldn’t bet you ANYTHING. Like, I wouldn’t bet my secret Rowena-Ravenclaw’s-charm-bracelet-horcrux that absolutely nobody knows about, or my secret teddy bear named Mr. Snugglesworth. But you get my drift.
In any case, speaking of R.A.B, I then got an even more disturbing letter. It read something like this:
Dear Smelly Old [Insert Rude Name Here],
I have a joke for you. What did the man say when he dropped the Dark Lord’s pet snake horcrux down the garbage disposal? It won’t be long now! HAHAHAAA!
With all due respect (aka, none),
R.A.B.
Words cannot describe my anger at R.A.B. right about now. It’s one thing for me to go on murderous rampages sometimes just because I’m bored, but to drop Nagini down the garbage disposal? Who would do such a thing to my poor, sweet snakeling, a real darling that’s never done a bad thing in her life, except for containing a seventh of my soul, violently murdering several people, attacking Arthur Weasley, ordering some things on me ebay account, and occasionally wearing white after Labor Day. I haven’t seen Nagini for a bit, but I assumed she was shopping for a new tube dress to wear to Rosy’s wedding. I had no idea that she was being tortured! I, my friends (and enemies, if you’re reading this blog as well) am completely aghast!
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAAAAAY!
First post! Master, I feel so sorry for you! Incidentally, if you’re feeling completely aghast, try some Beano. I hear it works wonders.
--Posted by wormtail77
Subj: [CENSORED]
[CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] R.A.B. [CENSORED] [*Here the censor died of a heart attack*] and then he’ll be sorry!!!1!!!one!11!!1!!eleventy-one!!!1!
--Posted by x_voldy_is_teh_hotness_x
RE: Subj: [CENSORED]
Wow. Er, for the convenience of other readers, here is a family-friendly translation of what Bella was trying to say: “Golly gee whillikers! I am rather displeased with R.A.B., due to the fact that he’s not very nice and I dislike him. If he continues in this vein, I may be forced to do something a tad violent that may or may not include porcupines and pajamas.”
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Wedding?
What’s this now? Rosy’s getting married to the Giant Squid, and I haven’t been invited? I’m just going to go cry now, and possibly even be reduced to borrowing Draco’s eyeliner.
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks.
RE: Subj: Wedding?
Oh, come now. I know, you’ve previously been a great success at animal weddings. For instance, at that marriage of two camels, your rendition of “My Humps” was absolutely inspired. But, well, Rosy’s already booked Josh Groban to perform, so I’m afraid there just wasn’t room for you.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Subj: Don’t worry
Hi, this is Nagini, using Babelfish translation again. I don’t want you to worry about me; I’m perfectly fine. After I was dropped down the disposal, I escaped, hurt but alive. I then went to your plastic surgeon (you know, the one who specialises in snakes), and he fixed me up. So I’m as good as new, and ready to be the Maid of Honour at the wedding! There is one glitch, though… you know that little snippet of your soul that you stuck in me? Well, uh, the plastic surgeon couldn’t do anything about that. It’s gone for good, I’m afraid.
--Posted by sparklediva00
RE: Subj: Don’t worry
NAGINI! Thank evilness you’re alive!
--Posted by thedarklord666
Subj: Poor dear
Oh, you poor man. You’ve had a really rough day, and I just feel horrible about it. I’ll tell you what, why don’t I take you out for dinner and a movie tomorrow night? I know you’ve said you don’t want to date, but what harm can one blind date do? Please give me a chance. Meet me at my house in London; I’ve emailed you with my address! X0X0X0
--Posted by blondeD
RE: Subj: Poor dear
You know what? I give up! That’s it, I’m caving! I’ll go on a date with you! Sheesh! But Bellatrix, don’t even think about trying the same tactics.
--Posted by thedarklord666.
Sept. 29th
AAARGH! It’s just going to be one simple blind date! Why am I so nervous? I’ve killed hundreds without batting an eye and accomplished the most atrociously audacious of actions. So why is the reminder of my date tonight hanging over me like an old dead goose? I’m going crazy!
How to do my hair? Oh, that’s right, I’m bald. That’s so hard to get used to. The red eyes and slit nose were pretty easy to adjust to, but for some reason, I’m in denial about the billiard ball haircut.
Luckily, Nagini (who came home last night) and Rosy and her niece (Dolores Umbridge) and I made a list of rules to which I’m supposed to adhere on tonight’s date.
1. I must not tell my date that her pink dress ‘goes great with her acne.’
2. I must not take measurements of her neck and tell her that I wanted to order her a custom-made noose especially for her.
3. I must not mention my one remaining horc… *HAPPY THING*, the one I’ve never mentioned to anyone and kept a total secret. (Ravenclaw’s charm bracelet, the one that’s hidden in my underwear drawer, since I never use that drawer for my drawers, so to speak.)
4. I must not order anything made from human flesh, or containing garlic (it gives me bad breath.)
5. To wear: pink polo shirt from Hollister and blue jeans. Not to wear: anything with bloodstains, leather pants (embarrassing story behind that one), eyeliner (can be off-putting.)
6. I must not place the Imperius Curse on my date. (That one’ll be hard.)
7. I must not use the pick-up line that starts with the phrase “Do you have a mirror in your pocket?”
8. I must not recommend that we see a ‘romantic comedy’ like “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I also must not sing the song “It’s Raining Men” for karaoke.
9. I must not bring along Nagini (in order to keep blondeD from feeling like ‘The Other Woman.’)
10. I must avoid Bellatrix at all costs, and create a diversion if I do, in fact, see her.
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAAY!
First post! Master, you’re going to have to tell me about your date! I’ve always wondered what they’re like…
--Posted by wormtail77
RE: Subj: YAAAAAAY!
You are a sad, sad strange little man.
--Posted by thedarklord666
Subj: See you soon!
Oh, I can’t wait until tonight! Incidentally, it’s very comforting that you won’t do any of the things on the list.
--Posted by blondeD
Subj: WUT?
[I am sorry, but this is even more obscene before, and simply cannot be posted.] LYK A PIG SUCKING CHEEZ OUT OF A FYR HOZE!!!!1!!one!!1!one! U SEE IF I DON’T!!!!11!!eleventeen!!!1!!
--Posted by x_voldy_is_the_hotness_x
[*ALL FURTHER COMMENTS HAVE BEEN DISABLED BY thedarklord666)
Chapter 6: I Sold My Soul On Ebay
Sept 30th
Greetings, my fine ladies and gentlemen! I’m afraid Voldemort’s unable to write a blog entry at the moment, so I, as a frequenter of this blog, kindly volunteered to do it for him.
Well, no, that’s a lie. I just kind of hacked onto his account. It was quite easy, actually-- his password is “joshgrobanfan4evah.”
Anyway, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Harry Potter. Doesn’t ring any bells? Well, you might know me from the ‘comments’ section on this blog as blondeD. That’s actually my cousin Dudley’s username, but he never uses it, as he’s completely illiterate, so it was mine for the taking. Oddly enough, his password is also “joshgrobanfan4evah.”
Voldemort has been really stupid lately, posting things that I would never in a million years divulge online if I were him-- things like the locations of his Horcruxes, plots to assassinate Order members, places he’s planning on visiting in the future, a list of his followers, the truth about his infatuation with the pink Power Ranger-- and it shouldn’t have surprised him that someone on the light side (that would be me) would use that information against him.
I can’t believe how well my plan worked. As blondeD, when I asked him to meet me for a dinner and a movie, he, being the arrogant man (?) that he is, assumed that I was a hot babe who wanted to go on a date with him and agreed. Instead, I got the entire Order of the Phoenix to hold a stake out and hide until Voldemort arrived. Sure enough, at precisely 8:59, he arrived, in his ridiculous pink polo shirt, his jeans, and a miasma of overpoweringly strong cologne that I believe was called ‘Eau De Snake Pee.’ Amazingly, he was carrying a bouquet of deadly nightshade and mandrakes but, get this, NO WAND.
It didn’t take him long to realise that he’d been set up. He tried to escape, but he tripped over Ron’s foot (knew those big feet of his would come in handy some day) and fell off a cliff. This was especially weird, since we were in the middle of a suburban shopping centre.
Now, in case you actually like the evil git (in which case, I recommend counseling, and I know a great psychotherapist in London), then don’t worry. He’ll be fine-- but he won’t be writing any blog entries anytime soon. He shattered all of the bones in his fingers, wrists, and forearms; and his upper arms and shoulders are full of hairline fractures. Apparently, his hands were already weakened due to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from spending so much time on the computer, so he’ll be in St. Mungo’s for awhile recuperating. After he gets out of St. Mungo’s it’s straight to Azkaban for him, and he’ll have to do community service and take anger management classes from someone named Madelynn.
Then, R.A.B and I went and destroyed Rowena Ravenclaw’s charm bracelet (Like he said, it was in his underwear drawer, which was otherwise empty, with the notable exception of a box labeled ‘DANGER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION’ that contained Draco Malfoy’s baby pictures), so he’s mortal again.
OH! You don’t know who R.A.B. is, do you? Well, it’s not the basilisk. In fact, her wedding’s still going to occur as planned, even without Voldemort to walk her down the aisle. She’s not going to waste her beautiful Vera Fang dress and reservations for the marriage chapel in the squid tank of the London Aquarium just because her master’s been incapacitated.
But no, R.A.B. is actually two people, Rodolphus and Bellatrix Lestrange. Surprised? So was I! But apparently, they were never actually true servants of Voldemort-- they’ve been on the good side all along, and were spies for the Order. In fact, Bellatrix and Sirius were best friends, and Sirius isn’t dead. He was just on vacation in Bermuda (which is where the veil really leads to), and he’s back now with a truly splendid tan. You have no idea how much help Bellatrix has been to the Order of the Phoenix. In fact, Snape is now sulking in his trailer because Bellatrix won the “Best Double Agent” award this year over him, and he only won “Worst Hygiene” and “Least Likeable.”
I’m throwing a big party tonight in honour of Voldemort’s defeat and capture. Everyone I know will be there, and you’re all invited. We’ve turned the Knight Bus into a party bus, so just step outside and stick your wand out, and our Party On Wheels will come and pick you up. We’ll have lots of food and music, and it should be fun, especially since--and you didn’t hear this from me-- I hear that the entire cast of the Power Rangers will be there celebrating the end Voldemort’s reign of terror. (Apparently, he kept sending the Blue Power Ranger e-Crucios.)
And I forgot to mention the most exciting part-- Voldemort’s not only mortal, but he’s lost all of his magical abilities whatsoever!
Apparently, Nagini sold all of his magic on eBay.
COMMENTS:
Subj: YAAAAAAY!
I’m so glad they have an internet café in Azkaban!
--Posted by wormtail77
Subj: Foshizzle
Yo, I see whatcha mean, my brother. This new layout in the cell is totally P-I-M-P-I-N.’ It is TIIIGHT, with a capital ‘T.’ But the whole thing about Voldemort being defeated? That is WHACK, man. He’s so trippin’! Literally!
--Posted by daddylusciouslocks
Subj: Yeah
I see what you mean. I was never really on Voldemort’s side, you know.
--Posted by wormtail
 Peridot_Horntail · Thu Sep 06, 2007 @ 12:54am · 0 Comments |
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