i'm trying hard but i'm not getting no where.
i'm trying to work on my story and try to draw it out but nothing seem to come out at all. everything makes me so irritated.
i got a D in PE. and that's the class i have no problem participating in, but what do i get? a D! dammit....i got a C in spanish, but i'm managing to do some work and keep it at a C so i don't fail and repeat so many classes.
i hope i don't stress over this. if i become truly stuck in my studies...then that means to ignore all my friends and do all my stuff. i did that once and stressed out. i guess being lazy relieves some of my stress. but seeing the effects of it is more stressing. i wonder if i'll trully pass or disappoint my parents.
i'm so tired lately. sleeping too much and making jany having to deal with it by making her late. i'm sorry. but i can never really admit.
my friend stole my paper bracelet. i wonder if she knew what it said. if she read this she'll know. "No Glasses! Don't Look. Become Blind. No need to understand...>.<Being alone is true happiness for you."
funny. i told that to myself. reminding myself everyday. saying it to myself everyday. but i don't have it no more.
it was an apology for jany, but she doesn't know that. i was yelling at her. irritated about things i didn't understand. and all she could say was i don't know. i have no right to say, "don't you understand yourself?!" because i don't know me that well either. i guess this feeling of love and depression i can never understand.
trying to understand
my cousin told me that if i exprienced it that i'll understand. but everytime i see jany being sad and worried over jackie and she wanting to stay after school and i ask why and she says she doesn't know, makes me irritated. yeah of course i should be thrilled too , to be staying after school and hanging out with my friends. but i'm kinda tired of being around people and want to be by myself. and i want to be there but at the same time...
Family
but...no. there's also my parents and they say that if i have no business at school, to help and watch the kids at home because they don't trust the others. they might not feed them not clean their diaper or even might hit them to discipline them but they are only kids...
i became so worried and scared because chan almost set the house on fire. my dad my was making rice and left the stove to go up stairs to see wat the guys were yelling about. chan got a book, went to the stove, set it on fire, and threw it in the garbage can. my dad came down and there was black smoke all over the air and he saw the garbage can on fire. and all the fire alarms were beebing. and he hosed it. he didn't tell the others that chan set the garbage can on fire, but instead told them that he acidently threw a lit paper in the garbage can....
that could happen anytime again....if only i was there....
sometimes i regret staying at school. because i know my parents know that we stay to hang out with our friends sometimes. no matter how many times they want us to go home and watch the kids we stay after school. i might even regret not being home one day. because my dad is getting real sick and his asthma is striking recently. he's old and i don't know how long he will stay. i have to choose whether to be with dad and watch out for him or for jany's happiness and watch out for her.
T.T....... crying
Ku..
ku...i want to talk to you how friends should talk. but eversince you telling me of what going to happen. i can't get that out either. i'm feeling sad all the time. and wonder if i will see you at school the next day. you don't deserve that. you deserve to be happy, live a full life. you're a good person. it's like bad things happen to good people. Even when the day should come when you can't come to school anymore....i'll still expect to see you everyday... T.T
To Ai My Friend
my friend who is moving away maybe soon....i truly will miss you. i want to tell you "don't go" it's like losing a friend. but i don't want to hold you back because you have your reasons. i seat idly by, crying for when the day will come. i wish you happiness. well..there's email. sweatdrop i'm sorry for not talking to you...but i guess it doesn't mean anything saying on the internet right? to tell you the truth. i felt concieted for some reason when i told you all my problems and complained about so many things--family-school and my laziness. i decided to myself to stop talking. i talked like my life was terrible like i had it worst than anyone. but i know people had it worst. so i'm just complaining and not getting no where. what's the use of complaining right. i have to live with it. so yeah that's what i decided. and when i talked it felt like i didn't listen to you enough, it felt like i was the the only one talking about myself and you always forced to listen to me complain because you're my friend. hahah..... now when i try to talk it's not the same at all. it's complete silence between us and always from me. i want to say i'm sorry but never seem to work. it's so wrong of me to treat you different. i don't want to. but it's because i trust you more, and you're like my best friend. you're the only person that knows most stuff about me and probably understands me better.
before...when you're like sad(depressed) i created a character inside ayumi. like a darker side and made it based on you. i wanted ayumi to be the person to save her. save her from falling into darkness. but in reality i can never save you no matter how much i want to. ayumi is such a stonger person than me. i made her resemble me by the laziness...kinda....well....she sorta a different person so in actually she's not me. she a person (some part of her) that i want to be. strong for her friends. there for her friends. and things that i'm not. the character that i said was based on my friends were created before i even found out about the real you and the others too. and that made my story complicated. so i decided to do it on some of my past thoughts and try not to think how everyone character is, kinda, but it's hard. (sigh) i wanted to create it and give it to you before you leave. but i'm saying it and not doing it. that's different. i guess jany told you. funny that i have a lot to say on a journal than to you....
I don't know anymore...
What do i do now? i can't help how i feel and can't help what i think.
i'm sad around people, but how should i act? should i act like i don't care? should i just be laughing about? that's hurt even more to turn away from people and to see them turn away from you. it's like i can't be around people.
the only thing that calms me is sleep.
sleeping always works. i sleep and i'm just lifted away somewhere but can't remember it when i wake up. than i have to face another day.
i guess that's life, you have to keep on living and face each day no matter how bad.
 xsaki_chanx · Fri Oct 26, 2007 @ 07:39pm · 0 Comments |
