So yeah.... just as the title says.
Anyways, I'm the kind of person who constantly thinks. Never sure if its a bad or a good thing but its got me into trouble at times.
I'm always thinking about my future and life plans for each year. When something comes up I plan it out and if things change I have to change the plans and start over. When something bad happens I feel like maybe I missed something or maybe I royally ******** up badly somewhere.
2007 Was supposed to be my good year but all I've been thinking about lately is how much I ******** up and let not only myself down but others I hold close and dear to me. I would say one of the biggest mistakes I made was letting my older brother down for the last time. See with him I've had a habit of lying to him about many things so I don't have to hear him or anyone else b***h about it when its something bad.
Well anyways I was going to this vocation school which I got kicked out of because I hit some guy with a chain. I lied to him about why I was kicked out. I told him I was wrongly accused and said I wanted to come back home to try being an adult again.
Well because of me going home him and his girlfriend of 14 years split up and he was about to marry her too. I'm not fully the problem but I'm most of it when it comes to that situation. I've lived with him for the past several years and he's had to take care of me because I dropped out of high school and would either not look for a job or had a hard time getting one. Well in the end I got a job and let certain things distract me like friends and family which got me fired and I lied to my brother about that too telling him I was still working there.
Well I faced the cruel reality of being kicked out almost on the streets and/or homeless shelter. I ended up staying in a hotel for two nights and my other older brother took me in for one month while my father was getting ready for me to move back in with him.
Well the month went by and I was attached to this wonderful young woman I'm still friends with today since shes been so kind to me. I called her and wrote to her because we were in love. However its not the same now yet I still do love her in a way we're better off as friends. This is besides the point >.<
So yeah I finished my month with my brother then I flew out to Florida with my father and have been here now for the past three weeks now being bored and not being able to get a job because places are full for the holiday season. I've thought of hopefully getting my GED at some point this year as well as my drivers license. I also am getting a guitar for Christmas so I can start having something constructive to do and keep myself busy and not on the computer all the time. And I also feel like starting a band in the near future.
Well anyways, Now I'm out here being bored out of my ******** mind with the shitty computer my father has which only uses Windows Vista (I know ewwwwww) and I can't play any games on here or do much besides internet and now it sounds like im bitching - _ -
So yeah I was in Church yesterday morning and its been around 10 years since I was last there so it was ok to go back and see how its changed. When me and my special someone split not too long ago I was thinking about it in church today and even though with the horrible things I said to her I've said sorry many times. I felt like I needed to say it again and say some other things that needed to be said which I did. I think with how long it had been since I was last in church I thought about a lot of the bad s**t I've done over this past year and besides the whole deal with my brother I felt horrible about me and my ex. I had something so good with her and I ended it with mere words and lies. I treated her like trash at the end after I promised her I would never do such a thing. Though she forgave me and we're friends again I still feel bad about it and most likely will have myself scared with it for life. I still love her but we're so far apart and our lifestyles are so different it would never work out.
I know its going to take some time for her to grow close to me again but like I wish I could just rewind and fix my mistakes. Don't you ever wish you could do that? I know I do. But then again if we could do that the world would be perfect and everyone would be the same not to mention boring neutral
My plans for the holidays are ok I guess. Going off to see my cousins and stay with them for a few days and just hang out. Been years since I last saw them so I'm looking forward to it. Though I would rather have them and my closest friends who I know both online and off with me for the holidays we can't have our way all the time >.<
So yeah these are my recent thoughts. Life has had its ups and downs but I still go on cause I'm a strong willed person who really wants to make up for the times and finally start his life. I hope 2008 will be my year of success and I finish everything I missed out on and maybe make some stronger bonds with people I hold close and dear to me heart
 -DeathlyDan · Mon Dec 17, 2007 @ 08:43am · 1 Comments |
