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Teh answer to meh depression |
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I finally figured out the answer to the question that everyone seems to be asking me, which is "Why are you depressed?" Well, folks the answer is, my heart is aching. Yeah, thats it, I have an aching heart. I just realised this a few minutes ago when I was listening to the song on my profile, and Breathe by Breaking Benjamin. Anyway, when I say my heart is aching what I mean is...Im tired of flirting around, and being used. Im tired of being judged by my looks. I mean, yeah, Im not the most beautiful thing out there, and no, I may not be skinny, but I still have feelings, and damnit, I DEMAND them to be noticed. I just wish someone would see, preferably in real life and not over the computer, the true beauty within. Im tired of people telling me they love me, then they turn around and break my heart. Hello! Duct tape wears out, and it gets expensive. I cant keep duct taping my heart back together every time it shatters. Yeah, I do admit, I have had some good online and offline relationships, but they've all ended in tears. Why is that? You think everything is running smoothly then BAM! It ends. Over. Gone. Just a faded memory in the past. Yes, I realise, nothing lasts forever, except true love, which has been a b***h for me to find. I feel so...alone. I mean, I know Im not really alone, but still, it feels like it. And yeah, I am loved, but thats by my family. They HAVE to love me, well...they dont really HAVE to...but I want to be loved because someone WANTS to love me, not because they have to. I may only be 13, turning 14 pretty soon, but I know what I want. Maybe this is just a temporary ache, maybe I dont REALLY want love I just think I do, maybe I've just been hurt too many times to see that most teenage boys follow their dicks instead of their heads, or their hearts. (No offence guys, im NOT singling you out xD)
Great, typing this, and questioning myself, has gotten me confused. I mean, here I am, rambling on about "love" and what I "think" I want, or why I "think" Im depressed, when honestly, I dont know if thats the real reason. Even after admiting all this, I feel just a tad bit better, but Im still in pain. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so freeking confused? Why cant I figure out ALL the reasons Im depressed. I mean, am I really depressed, or is my mind just making me think I am. Cause, I dont know all the reasons why Im depressed. Could it be just a figment of my imagination? Is it really logical to be depressed and not have a damn idea why? Or it could just be I havent realised it yet. The answer to mine, and everyone else's question, could be deep within my heart, and I just havent grasped it yet. Who the hell knows, all I know is, this is one of the reasons why Im depressed...or why I "think" Im depressed. Who the hell knows what Im really feeling. O.o Wow, this is really long, so imma stop typing now. Thanks for reading, those of you who choose to read this.
~Kayla~
 K a y l a s a u r o u s · Fri Feb 29, 2008 @ 06:04am · 3 Comments |
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