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Let's just say things aren't getting better...but they aren't exactly getting worse. So I guess things are OK, for the moment anyways. School's an even bigger struggle then it already was before. I still have to fight with myself so that I don't break down and cry randomly in class. Or starts shouting and getting mad at people for no reason. It's coming along but there's still a hell of a lot of work to be done until I'm better...if I get better that is. Wounds may heal but there will always be a scar. And while old wounds are healing new ones(and old ones) making new pains all over again. Joyous right? Oh well, I got over it awhile back.
My so called "best friend" says she's SO sorry for always abandoning me and that she wishes to be friends again, but you know what? I told her to p***k off. I cant stand her anymore. How can she hurt me so badly and just expect me to let her back in, give her my trust, and be friends again. Well let's just say I'm getting over her faster then I thought I would be...though it still hurts like hell to even look how happy she is without me anymore. I thought I helped her, that I brought her some kind of joy in this empty world, that I was her only hope. To hell with that! I guess I never meant anything to her. Even though she helped me, she brought some kind of joy into this empty world of mine and she was one of my only hopes...well not anymore. Now she only mocks me, she only brings me misery and pain, she's not longer my hope, but another pain to add in my heart.
I just wish I could be little again. GO back to the times when there was no drama, no one back stabbed you, and I was actually, for once in my life, happy...well I know that's not gonna happen so might as well stop wasting my thoughts on that. I noticed something...when I put on my mask, become someone who I'm not, it comes easily. I don't even have to work anymore, it's like that fake person has become a part of who I am. It...it scares me. Scares me to death. That maybe I'm becoming someone I'm not. That I'm actually fooling myself too...I really need to put an end to the masquerade and start...start being who I really am. Not some person I made up because I was afraid people wouldn't like me. Well people are always going to hate me or dislike me so I might as well be myself so they can truly hate ME and not some made up person.
On the other hand I'm not sure if it'll really be that easy. I've said it a million times, but I've never gone through with it. I guess I'll have to start putting my plan into action starting tomorrow. Also, I figured out how completed love is...but i already knew that. I'll have to give you the details later. My moms yelling at me right now and I have to come up with some witty response to irate her more. I'll update my journal sometimes later.
okay update time. Love's confusing...well beyond confusing. Hurtful too. The thing is though...I know he doesn't mean to hurt me it's the way things have to be I guess...I love him and he really does love me, but we cant be together. It's impossible. No way we could be together. I guess that's just how some things in life work...though I really wish this thing didn't had to end up this way...but that's only a wish. I will never stop loving him, ever. I will love him as I take my last breath. As long as he's happy...what else really matters? Without him I am nothing, and that's just how it is. I'll let him see what he feels is right and whether he leaves or not....I will always love him. He's my soul mate, my missing piece. There's no one else for me...no one at all. I'll wait forever for him if I have to. I just hope he doesn't leave because right now I need to hear his voice, I need to see him smile, I need to hear him say those words, but most of all I just need him...I love him...I care about him...and nothing in this world will EVER change that.
 miroku fan 101 · Thu Sep 25, 2008 @ 11:57pm · 0 Comments |
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