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Things just seem to be going down, down, and down some more...nothing's really getting better. I'm just getting new things to add to my list of problems at the moment. I'm trying to tackle them one at a time, but if I focus to much on one another one gets worse...this is so hard. I'm not sure what to feel, think, say, or act now-a-days. I just want to sit there in complete silence and be able to let my thoughts wonder without any interruptions...but that's like asking for rain in the desert. Not very likely at all.
I get to go to a funeral next Saturday. I think I'm supposed to speak at it, but how can I speak when I barely have my thoughts together. Cant even think straight really. Just an emotional, big wreak at the moment. I'm still in shock; in denial that she's gone. That she really did what she did...i still cant believe. not my friend...not mine at all. I didn't ever stop to notice her calling out for help, her silent pleas...i was always to busy worrying about myself, or lost in thought. damn me...really, i might have been able to save her, she might still be here if i hadn't been so...so self observed. but i cant change anything now...it's all over
I'm not sure who to talk to anymore. I mean yeah people say they'll listen, that they'll help, but I don't know if I'm even worth helping. I mean I'm so close to giving up that it's not even funny anymore. I used to kinda joke about it but now I can barely even smile or laugh. It feels wrong to be happy...to smile when he's not, to laugh when he's crying. It's just wrong...his joy is my joy and his pain is my pain. If he cries I cry, if he's hurt I'm hurt. Just how we're connected I guess. He's really important to me and I don't really ever fully forgive anyone that hurts him...so I guess I'll never forgive myself (if I could in the first place...)
Yeah...I did something really stupid that I promised I would stop; that I'd never do(again). Well I broke it...again...I don't know why he keeps on forgiving me..I've hurt him too many times to be forgiven and to be showed this compassion. Now whenever I look down or I'm writing, I'll see that scar and think of what I did. How I hurt him. The scar will always be there, and maybe one day it will heal but the wound inside...that will never heal. He hurt himself because of me. Like I said before his pain is my pain, so my pain is his pain. If I do something he does too...yea kinda weird I guess but that's how we roll.
Well, besides my friend killing herself yesterday, and my bf hurting himself because I did, life still isn't great, but it's decent. Oh, plus one of my friends started cutting. But I'm trying to get her to stop. I don't want her to go through what I had too. She wouldn't be able to handle it...plus I don't want her to end up...how he ended up. Dead. I couldn't take it if I lost one more friend. I wouldn't take it. That would be the end of it for me. I mean one person can only take so much.
 miroku fan 101 · Sat Oct 04, 2008 @ 06:29pm · 0 Comments |
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