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I'm lost. I feel like I have no friends anymore. I only see the people I hang out with every once in a while. I have nothing left to do. I wish I could see some more then others now. Man, if Highschool was the highlight of my life.... that ******** sucks. Cause even then I was discontent. Less then I am now though, a lot less. So lets just get to the point, the one thing everybody knows is on my mind. Then anxiety I don't know if it's getting better or worse. Fortunantly I think it's getting better, and mainly cause I've hung out with Kelly a little bit more. -enter happy mood and recollection- We went to get something to eat. Well her and her sister went, I went along for the ride. I've lost my appetite the past few days, I'm not well mentally anymore I think. Anyway, then we went to Best Buy cause she was going to get Caroline a preasent, and I ended up buying her one too. 'Cause I'm such and nice fellow. I also bought a new CD when I was there, Orgy. Oh yea, kick fooking arse. Sadlly though it was only a few hours, cause she had to go pick up Ello... I think that's how you spell his name. He's a pretty cool guy, I often wonder what he thinks of me even though he's seen me.... twice? Baby steps though, I hope to get a little more into Kellys life again. Her friends are pretty awesome, I'd like to get to know them better also. Maybe I should drop out and go to NOVA gonk rofl How, weird/stalkerish would that be. The one thing that sucks is that I'm so out of the loop, it's hard to say things. I really do try, I know that's the only way we'll get around this ac... ackwardness? I wish I had the nerve to ask if I could tag along with her and Ello, but I don't want to intrude, I'll feel better when she invites me and I know some of them better. I hope she doesn't be-little me. It's nice talking about the things we used to do, as rare as that is. I wish I could talk with a smile on my face again, how I miss that ever so much. I think I know how she must have felt around Joel and that crew.
I hate being capricious. Shouldn't have done it. I don't want to be the bad guy.... I really don't. I'm deathly afraid of being looked upon in a way like that....
God! They're starangers and yet I hold their opinion of me so highly.
"Should put a bullet to me. A bullet in the brain-pan, squish!"
Stupid hiatus, stupid hiatus, stupid hiatus. Can't dwell, that hinders progress, makes things hard. Brings you 3 steps back from that one step forawrd. Suprised that all the paranoia in my head doesn't help me make logical decissions.
FORGIVE ME! ACCEPT ME! It's what I want, what I need. Anti depressants won't help, not that I've had any. Hm, that happy mood lasted as long as a snowball in hell.
I may have more to add later, I'll be back.
~Melly out.
Ok, it's later already. (like 10 minutes)
I made up peoms in my head today to stay boredom and help the time pass, keep my mind off things. Unfortunantly I don't really remember any of the, they were silly. Few line, a couple rhyms. Kinda like a haiku with the samurai. Weird, I really shouldn't relate myself to such a respectful and noble creature.
We move deeper into the subconcious, or thought process... whateva'. I should take psychology again sometimes.
I know I'm too critical on myself, I also know I'm a little crazy. I don't just talk to myself when I do something, I sometimes have whole conversations with people in my head. I know they're not there or real, but I do it. I notice my mouth moving to the words I say in responce also, but I don't say anything. Especially since I'm at work when it happens sometimes. And when I'm with people I imagine what they're thinking all the time. "Can't he get the hint, I don't care anymore." "I just don't want to hang out with him." "Look how pethetic he's become, makes me sick." "I could really go for a hamburger right now." and other things of the sort.
I'm trapped in memory now. Everything I see reminds me of some other time, and thus makes me more depressed. I can clearly remember the feelings I had then and compare them to how I feel now. And I was better off. I thought all this teenage angst was left behind.
I'm so nervous and anxious I always feel like I could vomit at a moments notice. I just want it to go away, and just want to be at piece, I want to mean something again. I FEEL LIKE A DETHRONED KING! or something...
"Oh shiz." Is what she says, and it echos through my mind. Salvation, something I now cherish, I soon hope to find. Paranoid thought, and memories voice are what plegue my mind today. If this doesn'tstop , I'm afraid I'll lose my way. Become a killer, a hermit, a psycho. I just want it to be better-o.
That actually was going to be a statment, but I figured what the hell. I never was good at poetry. Practice is something I need. More then you can shake a stick at!
And I'm off again. I have a feeling I might come back. Who knows how much of this I have in me.
-Melly out, again.
12.13 AM! Oh yea! It seems I've conqured another day, of opression and hardship. Caused by myself. I feel a little better then I did, slowly going up hill I guess. It helped that I was able to vent to a person for a bit, and then a couple of us got together and went out to eat. Made me feel accepted. Then ontop of that I saw Kelly there and she seemed quite chipper, and a little bit of interaction between the tables. Mostly between me and them though. I hope they don't look down on me. They're all cool people, I'd like to see them again. Mikes a pretty trendy looking guy. And I feel like I could learn a lot from El.... ello? I'll learn eventually. I think she's afraid of me for some reason, she's always seemed afraid of something about me. Am I really that creepy? Do I put off an I'm gonna rape you vib? God I hope not, might as well just drown myself right here.
God freak!
Side note. Aliens vs. Predator sucks my dogs balless c**k.
That was just pure disgust with the movie. Anyway, I need to get some sleep, and think I'll acutally be able to achieve it tonight. I know this will be a roller coaster, always have when it comes to emotions, I just hope there won't be such a steep drop.
~End transmition.
 melidserke · Mon Oct 10, 2005 @ 10:08pm · 0 Comments |
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