The anger i feel
is building up inside me.
Is it this Face i've taken?
This fake me i've put on?
it's not that often!
i swear to you its not!
but still...
she's so different.
it scares me.
what might she do?
is she just waiting to come back?
but that Face...
its so easy to find...
and i enjoy it.
its like a new me.
a better,
more confident
Me.
And she thinks like me.
Mostly.
some things she thinks...
just disgusting...
but the thrill.
the thrill of that thought.
why does it beckon me?
what is so wonderful about it?
The heat?
Sweat?
or could it be...
the love i'm missing?
i'm so afraid of it though.
Love.
I don't want to hear that word they call me.
i don't want that to be their reasoning.
i don't want it.
but that's all they can say.
that's all they can see.
and it hurts.
so
so
so
much.
i'm afraid to pick.
what if i'm wrong?
it'll hurt so many!
because....
so many wish i were theirs...
so many want me as their own...
so many love me...
and,
conceited as it may be,
i don't want to get to know the new one.
this 'Liam'.
I'd like to know him,
as her friend,
but...
what if it happens again?
what if...
i steal another away...
from those close to me...
i hate it.
how they can lie so easily.
how they can claim to love you,
then tell you they love someone more.
why did he have to say that.
it started with-
"i've never cared about someone as much as i do for you"
but-
how could it change so quickly?!
to such a thing as-
"i love him more than anyone else i've ever liked."
how could you say that to me?!
Me?!
me who you loved.
me who you swore you cared for.
me who you loved under fireworks.
me who you loved under the stars.
Me
who
you
loved
more
than
anyone!
you liar!
you're all liars!
that's all you every say!
'i love you'
'i love you'
'i love you'
dammit
'i love you'
i hate that phrase!
why can't you all for once mean it?!
why does god hate me so?
did i do something so wrong before
that now i am to be punished?
why do you give me the talent,
but not the want?
why have you made me so indecisive?
when all i need is one answer?
why?
why god do you hate me?
this is pure cruelty.
I,
who was once your daughter.
I,
who was once your lover.
I,
who was once you.
how could you create me so perfectly,
and yet,
so wrongly?
is this mere chance?
or a matter of your concise?
why am i tainted so?
so much that i am unlikeable,
even to the untouchables.
or loved,
even by the taken.
why am i able to so easily be branded as sinful?
does the lack of my greed towards them not matter?
and what of the lust that i deny?
and the glutton that i so avoid?
and the pride i lost long ago?!
my wrath that has faded?
so i can see the sloth,
so you may allow me to walk upon coal.
and the envy,
that is inescapable.
but if i may repent,
then by all means,
Sir God,
sew my lids together.
bound my eyes shut.
take away this sight that has so tainted me.
give me no more reason to shame you.
no more way.
and let me be forgiven.
for,
that is all i dream of.
that is all i cry for.
i want redemption.
i want repercussion.
i want freedom.
i want love.
i want to die already.
 Your-Angel-Eien · Fri Apr 17, 2009 @ 04:33am · 0 Comments |
