I am so stressed at this point that I feel like I could just explode, or have a total meltdown. If I had a gun, I probably wouldn't give a second thought to killing Master and then blowing my own brains out.
I'm stuck living with my mother, who is a crazy psychotic bipolar b***h. Her husband, who's a blunt a*****e, but sticks up for her no matter what. Her stepson, who has some form of learning disability and never ******** shuts up. Her teenage daughter, who while she can be good company, never stops bitching about how much her life sucks. And two whining, screaming, spoiled, disrespectful, disobedient children from whom I can never escape -- particularly seeing as I have to babysit one of them every day to cover the food I eat, the cigarettes I smoke, and the couch cushions I'm so lucky to get to sleep on every night. rolleyes
I have no job, and though I've put in many applications and given many callbacks, I keep getting told that no one is hiring until spring, or that they'll "call [me]", which is professionalspeak for "No thanks, we don't want you." So I have no money to ever even escape this hellhole that I'm stuck in, or to even spend on something little to cheer myself up.
The whole reason I'm here instead of in Ohio -- where, mind you, things were still shitty, but nowhere near this bad -- is so my Master and I can see my children. My ex won't even allow my Master to see the children. She says that He has "no right" to want to be involved in their lives, even though He's going to be involved in my life for a long, long time. And how often do I get to see my own children? Once a week, for an hour. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, that's all I get. And since I don't have a job, I obviously don't have the money for a lawyer to petition for custody. So for now I'm stuck living by her rules.
My Master isn't comfortable here. My family doesn't treat Him as family, and He has no friends or acquaintances here -- everyone He knows lives in Ohio. So I can't even lean on Him for emotional support, because He's just as miserable as I am all the goddamned time. Furthermore, His cat, who is His world because she's been there with Him through so much in His life, is getting sick, and not only do W/we have no idea what to do to help her, but W/we have no money to take her to the vet. So He's worried about that too.
I have to constantly walk on eggshells to keep everybody happy, and nobody is ever concerned with what I want, what might possibly make me happy. I have to be miserable to keep everyone else from being miserable, or bitchy, or whatever negative ******** mood they decide to be in that day.
And to top it all off, I have my own mental issues, my own instabilities, that make everything I go through a hundred times worse than it is for the average "normal" person. I'm paranoid, I'm bipolar/depressed, I have gender identity issues that I can't get sorted properly until I have money, I have anxiety issues, and I have a MILLION ******** VOICES IN MY HEAD THAT PICK THE WORST MOMENTS TO TRY TO GIVE SMARTASS COMMENTS THAT WON'T EVER ******** GO AWAY. I have constant headaches, body aches, stomach problems, attacks of dizziness, weird spasms that are almost like miniature seizures, and more.
Normally I hate people ranting about how their lives suck. I tell them to suck it up, take it like a man, do something about it, and move on. But until I get a job, there isn't s**t that I can change right now. I just have to keep doing the same routine, day in and day out, to get by, to live. But right now, I need something, anything, to make me feel better, to reassure me that everything's okay. Because I'm on the brink of giving up on everything, giving up on my children, because I can't take this s**t anymore. I feel cornered, and when I'm cornered, I run. And the only place I have left to run at this point is back to Ohio, which I know Master would be more than happy to do. But that means leaving so much, and losing my children for good. And when I have nowhere left to run, that's when I feel lost and hopeless, and start getting stupid emo s**t going on like serious contemplations of suicide, which obviously aren't going to help anyone.
I snapped today and did some s**t I really regret, and now I have sixteen pets I have to patch things up with. That, with all the stress, with all the bitching... I just don't know how much more I can take.
I love my Master.
I love Sir.
I love Eldwyn, Voh'Kel, Jack, Kay'See, Fred, Kiwii, Kiiesa, YumYum, Kaiyah, Ahnjeiruu, Kami, Jhaesyn, Judaeriel, Marcel, Nolan, and Faeliel.
I love all of my friends and family.
I love my pets.
I love my children, both by birth and adopted/otherwise.
I need to be here for them, just as they are here for me.
And if nothing changes soon, I don't know how much more I can take.
And if I can't take any more s**t myself, how can I take care of them?
If I get so depressed that I can't function correctly, that all I think about is killing myself...
How can I be here for them?
Just... hold me.
Hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay.
Once you hit rock bottom, there's no place left to go but up.
Right?
Someday I'll find that silver lining...
Rathlarias Moondown Community Member 
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