I really hate myself. I really, really do. I'm fat, ugly, stupid, moron, piece of trash, dirty minded retard, lazy a**, who can't do anything right(and when tries fails horribly or hurts others wihtout meaning it), who keeps getting overly emotianal about the most innecessary things, who will spent her life forever alone, who nobody is going to miss if I died quickly in a card accident or something. Or atleast I really wish no one would miss me, I don't deserve to be missed.
I'm not good at anything. I don't progress at all. I have no career and I bet I will never make it in the real world - maybe you'll find me cleaning your s**t or something with a crappy pay. I feel like I'm the only stupid person in my class. Everyone else is so social, skillful, happy, succesfull, beautiful or handsome, out of my reach and way above my level.
I stopped believing in praises or compassionate comments a long time ago. They don't really mean a thing anyway, I can't tell if someone means the words they say, or are they just pulling my leg because they think I'm easily fooled. Don't lie to me, even if it's in order to make me feel better.
Just leave me alone at the bottom of the pit. I'll drown as the water starts pouring in. No, I'm too pathetic to even die, correct way to punish myself would be living. Let's just wait and hold breath. The water will lift me up and make the pit only a mud puddle. Now it's its turn to be pathetic.
I feel so stupid. I can't stop crying. (atleast it's silent sobbing)
But I don't feel like hurting myself. That's even more stupider than my run of thoughts. Eh I start hating myself again. For writing this. But I have to get it out. To the internet? Well maybe someone will someday find this, and comment with empty words. I know they try to make me feel better. It's a custody, a rule of society or so. Why would a stranger help me? Do you really know me? I don't want to be known. Please don't get deeper. Let me build walls, just accept the outside, leave the inside alone.
It's covered with dirt. I hate myself. For many things. I want to cry again. But I never stopped. Why is it that it hurts to cry and even more when I'm telling myself to stop crying.
How the hell am I allowed to live? I feel sick every day. No, ill, because when others freak out, I don't. When others cry, I don't. I don't know myself. I don't want to. Every time I try I start crying - I stop and shun and cramp the feelings back behind the wall.
******** THIS IS PATHETIC!
Good thing about internet, even my friends can't tell that my smileys are faked.
