Today I was feeling rather manic, I mean one minute I was fine and dandy, the next I wanted to bullrush a large metal moving object headlong. My dreams are becoming restless again. The holidays are on me, this is the time of year that depresses me the most. For some odd reason if my dreams fall flat to the floor, I can see myself a hand full of years from now, with a gun to my head and brains against the walls. I miss my days of naivite when those days were around I knew no evil at all, everything was so good! but I suppose all dream worlds must be shattered. Last night I had a dream, a dream where all these people or should I say monsters were branding me with pokers and cutting me up. When all was said and done I was a lovely sight to behold. No stretch marks, no scars, I was handsome.... heh like that could ever happen to something so disgusting as me, something as flabby, disgusting and worthless as me. I know I seem unstable, I guess i am. or maybe its this time of year that takes me back to when my old man killed himself. It is my fear to do what he did. So if I were to I wouldn't do that on X-mas, maybe Valentines day. That disgusting day of love infuriates me. ALL my friends leave me, they have plans with there boyfirends or girlfriends, so who gets ******** in the a** on that day? The fat disgusting pile of flesh known as Azalin. MY HEART BEATS OF LOVE. Yet it seems as though honest heartfelt love matters to too many people. Then again who could love someone as hideous as me....I want to burn my face off with acid sometimes...God i have so many issues, why is it I cannot progress to true death yet? The only reason I cling here is because others need me, and I just cannot seem to tye a proper knot..I live because were I to go order all around would decay and fall apart...If there is a god I am truly his idea of a running gag. I sicken myself with my own existance, yet I have a poetic soul...An Irony I truly am.......
Todays songs-
Lodi by Credance Clearwater
Have you seen the rain Credance Clearwater
Bad moon on the rise-Credance clearwater
 Azalin · Fri Dec 03, 2004 @ 04:44am · 2 Comments |
