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One of the biggest, and most common questions, that crosses my mind of late, is why do I care so much about what I do on VF? I can find all of these reason to justify it, to make it sound good, and they all make sense. The reality is, they are all starting to sound very hollow to me. Every day I log on, I find myself wanting to leave sooner and sooner. Eventually I may just not want to log on anymore. I have been seriously contemplating leaving the site, and for once I think I actually mean for keeps. I have decided to compare and contrast the reasons I am here, with my own self-rebuttals, just to see where I stand. I would like feedback on this, so please try to read all of it, despite the length.
One of the most important reasons I come onto VF is simply because of the people. I have met so many people I enjoy the company of, so many I love talking to, that I dont know if I could go a day without speaking to them. Some of my closest friends are on here, as are some people who are very close to being true soulmates. It all sounds good until you see through the medium. I do not really know these people. I see them on a screen, never in person. I do not know if their intentions and feelings conveyed to me are even the truth, it may all be a farce. I certainly would never want to believe that, but judging from the amount of caring I get back from some of these people of late, I am being led closer to believing it.
The next most important reason is personal pride and satisfaction. Whenever I start something, I start it with the full intention to finish or reach the goal I set forth for myself. Very rarely are those goals unreasonable or unattainable. The cults I have joined or started, the work I do on here, all are contributed to by my work ethic and desire to be the absolute best at what it is I do. I do things for the betterment of everyone around me, and to make things as nice as I can for everyone, and usually I am rewarded with the knowledge that I did a good job. Hell I have even been tangibly rewarded before, like when I get paid for referring people to jet's clothing store, ********. Lately, however, my motives have been brought into question by certain people, some even my own friends. They keep asking me why I do all of these things, what is my goal nowadays? I keep telling them the same thing, to do my best and to make things the best they can be. I am starting to doubt this is true anymore. I am almost bored with my cults and with everything I do on VF. It has become all work and no fun. That, compounded with the fact that lately I have been subject to some severe drama, that may have been partially my own damn fault, but some being unfair nonetheless. The most heartbreaking failure I ever have had on VF was the creation of VF_Community_Watch. Created to help the site, by helping to find problems, and the cause of most drama, it did go exactly as planned at first, that is, until my personal motives were questioned, mistakes were made, and fingers were pointed, some a bit unfairly. Some of the most ridiculous claims I have ever heard were directly because of that cult. I had only the best of intentions and absolutely no expectation of any kind of reward for my actions. The most common accusation was that I was trying to use the VFCW as a kind of stepping stone on the road to becoming a site moderator. That misconception would eventually snowball into a full on feeling of contempt and hatred for a person that hadn't even thought of that possibility. I mean, I guess people can't do things without expecting to get something in return. I never asked for anything in return for VFCW. Why all the jealous accusations and arrogant presumptions? I seriously think some people have felt threatened by the presense of someone who won't let them sit and treat other members of VF like complete s**t. They percieved me as a bully. Perhaps they are right. I was bullying the real bullies of the site. The *****, the racists, the assholes, the drama starters, the spammers, the jackoffs, and all the other scum. If me hunting those people down like it was nobodies business, makes me a bully, or an admin asskisser, then so be it. I will be exactly that.
The problem with this site, no, the whole world in general, is that no one gives a s**t about their fellow man anymore. This "everyone for themselves" mentality is what is destroying our society. Everyone looks at their own problems as larger than anyone elses. This may, or may not, be true. In a lot of cases, the solutions are so simple, yet people make them out to be so complicated and difficult, for no reason but to make themselves look more needy, and thus get the attention they want. God, I wish I had it that easy. I wish I could just take one simple step to remove all of my problems. I generally do not talk about my issues that often. The reality is that the only thing that is a problem is money. Always will be. I will never have enough to meet the basic needs of my family. It doesnt matter where I work, what I do, or who I go to, I get shafted at every turn. Enough of my personal problems, on to point three.
Lately I have asked myself why do I want to help so much? The simplest reason is that I genuinely like to help people. Makes me feel good, makes other peoples lives easier, and it hurts no one in the process. Just because I am good at solving other peoples issues, or helping them get the job done, doesn't mean I can necessarily handle it constantly. Lately I have gotten so bogged down and so far behind, that people have actually accused me of not caring about them anymore. Are you kidding me? All I do is care abut others. I care nothing for myself or my needs. I am probably one of the mose self-less people you will ever meet. Instead of feeding myself, I will gladly give away what I have so another, more deserving person can eat. Instead of buying myself that expensive toy I really want, I will go and do something meaningful with the money. Instead of passing up the opportunity to help a newbie learn about VF, I will drop everything I am doing and make it a point to help them out. What tears at me the most, is just how few, if any others I see ever do this. Sure there are a few people, but the reality is that everyone wants recognition or some kind of medal for everything they do. I know one guy on this website, who has gotten that recognition and repeatedly throws it in everyones face like the world owes him a favor, yet I never see him do anything for anyone without asking for something in return. If he doesn't get his way, he pisses, moans, and acts like a child stamping his feet, telling everyone how important he is. This person is important? Sounds like a selfish a** to me.
Even at this moment I ask myself, why am I even bothering to rant? No one will read this or even absorb these words, because everyone thinks they are always right. They get angry with you when you point out their faults and never try to get any better at what they do. Regardless of what it is. In the year I have been on this website, I have changed, and even I can see it. When I came to VF I was a cocky smartass wth nothing better to do that ridicule others and put them down. Since that time I have learned that no one is really the same as another, all have differences that set them apart, and that you cant judge a book by its cover. you have to actually read it to understand it. I have also learned that people will lean on you constantly and ask for your help all the time, but when the roles are reversed, they hide and never put anything back in. You help, yet never get helped. There are a few exceptions to this however, as I have actually seen a few people return the favors given them by others, and I have seen a choice few actually do things they didnt have to, because they wanted to.
So I guess to summarize all of this huge post, I guess the best way I can put this is:
Which choice do I want to make? Do I want to stay for all the people that actually try to give something back to those that have given to them, that actually care about those around them, and that actually seem to give a general s**t? Or, do I want to leave because of the jealous little selfish people that take take take yet snub their feelow man when they are asked for something.
I may add more to this little rant later, but these thoughts have been going through my head for weeks now. Truth be told, I dont really know what I am going to do yet. When I make my decision, I will let anyone who really needs to know, know.
During this period of decision, I will likely not be very active, I am simply tired of the site, simply for all the reasons I have stated before. We shall see what time and thought does, I guess.
Forgive the length of this, and thank you to whoever actually read it.
With regards, Blind
 ootz · Tue Jul 11, 2006 @ 08:49am · 0 Comments |
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