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I bet that you've been wondering what's happened to me, right?
...No?
...Oh... okay. crying
Anyway, I'm in NJ right now, NJ standing for the almighty state of New Jersey. I'll be here until the twenty-ninth, that's when I'll leave.
The flight here was boring and eventful. Did I mention boring? The first flight wasn't too bad, we flew into Phoenix (which is actually the opposite direction from where we wanted to go, but airlines are stupid) and then we jumped onto another plane to NJ. The first flight was fifty-five minutes, while the second one was about five hours. crying It wasn't as bad as I figured, but the headphones that you buy on the plane weren't acting right. After a while they did, but you got a crap load of static while using them. But, eh, I can't complain, at least they worked. xd
I got my Plan test (it's a test to tell you what your strong points are, and what kind of a college you should aim for) and I got an incredible score in Reading and English, not a surprise. It said that according to my responces to career questions and scores that I should aim for Medical Engineerings, Health something, and medical something something. I'm still aiming for Creative Writing. D: But, what I was happy about was regarding what I got in responce for what colleges I should go to. There's Open, Tradition, Selective, and Highly Selective, Open being the lowest and Highly Selective the highest. According to the tests, I should aim for either Selective or Highly Selective. My mom was happy but also told me that she was afraid that if I were to go to a good college that she'd spend a lot of money but then I'd slack off and fail because I: "Spend too much on that 'gaia' site." It offended me but it is, in reality, partly true. I'm too obsessed with the web. If I don't get online at least an hour everyday I get a headache, unless I'm really busy, so that's definately not good. I know that I could do it, but... I lack the self-motivation. In my other entry about how I was angry at my mom for putting me down, I got three responces which all pretty much said that maybe I should start doing it for myself instead. I want to, but I can't. I put myself down the most. I just... I can't support myself. In my head I'm always insulting myself, telling myself that I can't do this or that I can't do that, that I'm just too weak and that I can't help anyone. The only skill that I have is creative writing, and if I fail in that, then I'll have nothing else. I've always been a shy, depressed girl, and sometimes I just wish that I didn't have to understand some things so clearly. Being oblivious and stupid might actually be nice.
Regarding role plays, I've been wrestling with that a lot lately. Just can't seem to get anything out, truthfully. I'm dealing with some issues, which I feel like I always am. sweatdrop I'm trying to get past something, with not just my will, but God's, as I know that I'm too weak alone to do it and too scared to tell anyone that I know personally for help.... I guess that I'll say it... but I'd advise you not to read it unless you can take reading... I dunno, depressing things. I don't know if this'll even be sad to you or not. xD But, it is disturbing, so be careful.
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I... am an SIer. SI stands for "self-infliction". I've done it since I was twelve. About once a month I just grab the kitchen knife when no one is home and cut my wrists, and if I'm desperate enough, I'll grab a small candle and a birthday candle and burn myself on my hips in my room with the door locked and windows closed, or maybe just dip my fingers in hot candle wax. Sometimes I'm suicidal, it differs sometimes. But I'm tired now, and I just want to stop. I've always wanted to stop, but then... this sounds corny, but I sat down and read a chapter of Revalations from the Bible. For once, in the few years that I've lived and can remember, I felt happy. I've been so numb so long, out of touch with my feelings that I couldn't even get myself to cry over anything. Then I read the Bible... and... I felt God inside of me... and I just felt happy. After so long, I felt inner strength, as if I could actually accomplish something in life. I wanted to smile. I didn't just smile because I was pretending again, I smiled because I was happy.
And now... I'm pulling through, slowly, bit by bit. I haven't cut in a while, and for now what I have to remember it by is a smooth cut on my left wrist. I don't want it disappear, I want it to be there so if I can pull out of I can look at it and remember what I did. Me, what I did. But now its fading, but I've realized that the physical scar doesn't have to be there for me to remember it. It'll always be there, even if I try to deny it, even if I can't see it.
The single verse that has so far proved to be my favorite is from Luke 1:37: "For with God nothing shall be impossible."
I haven't gotten over it yet, but... if I can have God's strength... I feel as if I actually have a chance of quitting hurting myself. I want to become a true Christian. I need to be. I want to be happy, I want to make others happy, and want to know that when I die, I'll have a place waiting for me up their in the sky. Jesus is preparing a mansion for me, and I want to see it, and share it. Eternal life with God and people who I can know and trust as friends, where, no guilt or sorrow exists.... I... would really love to have that. (: You can only travel to God through the narrow path which is Jesus, and I intend to travel it.
 MythicalYoko · Wed Dec 20, 2006 @ 10:15pm · 2 Comments |
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