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Hrm...
Hm. I am not looking for a new ******** toy. Infact I wish I could erase ever losing my virginity and stick to my old plan of losing it after I was married.
What I am looking for is a boyfriend. You don't have to have sex with them, or even ******** marry the first person you ******** meet. Now in my opinion that is the stupidest thing you could ever do.
The people I am around these days make me happy that I didn't kill myself. They're funny, outgoing, and interesting. I know I would love to have a friendship with each of them.
I do not know why I like this person, but he has something that Raymond did not. I cannot name it exactly, since I have no idea what it is just yet. I just know its something that he never had. I love the feeling I get when I see him. It makes me just want to laugh, and be happy for once. The same with a lot of people. They make me want to be happy. When I looked at Raymond, I felt love, but also the urge to put him above my own happiness. I did that, and look where it got me.
I'm still alone.
When I look at his picture now all I see is the person that put me through hell, and in some ways I am happy to be rid of him. He's now someone else's problem. Its like the sun is shining a little brighter here, and things just seem to carefree. I know I have to get my life together still, but I'm happy knowing I can like who I want, and do as I please. It sucks because I don't have that special someone there for me when I need them, but that shouldn't be the greatest of my problems.
I've made a lot of new friends since Raymond left. I'm talking to more people, and I've been going places. Hell, I went Black Star Canyon with Mike and Brad to meet other people that I barely knew. I took a chance, and I had a blast.
I still have those moments where I look at some of the things I forgot to pack that belonged to Raymond and I think to myself "I could have changed." I was too late. But if Raymond and I were still together I probably wouldn't have been able to expirence all these new things. I'd still hold the same feelings for some people though. I probably would have been the one breaking up with him by now.
Hell, sometimes it feels surreal that I was with Raymond. Everything is like a distant memory that you're not sure about. The only memory that truly stands out is our first kiss. That is something I will never forget. I just can't wait for the time when I can replace that memory with a new one. I have so much to learn and expirence, I just want to expirence it before it is too late.
I've been thinking about moving to Germany with my family. If my grandparents will allow it, I might be accompanying them when they go to Germany next May. It would be nice to see the family I never really knew I had. And go to Holland and France. I wouldn't be able to do that if Raymond was still here. I would have felt obligated to stay with him, or fear that he'd cheat on me. But we all know he did that already.
I don't know, I just feel like this wall has been shattered and there is a world full of life and adventure out there for me to explore. I can't wait till I get the chance to expirence everything life has to offer. I want to love again, and be loved. I want to explore this country and others. I want to go for my dreams (whatever they may be) and just be free.
Perhaps I am still living in my fantasy world. Because who am I kidding, he wouldn't like me back. No one would. I'll probably end up being his friend, and that would be fine with me. Whatever happens, happens. I just wish I had someone to hold, or be held by.
Its just natural to want such things.
Hm. To think, come June I would have probably been engaged. I doubt it though.
Sometimes I just wonder what could have been.
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Community Member
~C.K.