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I'm finding it harder and harder to tell up from down lately. Probably because by the time I realize i'm down i'm going back up...maybe. There's no reason that I can think of really. I can't completely help it; I feel suicidal but at the same time I know that it's pointless. Some times I even slip through the cracks and think that it would be better, I have one reason to live but that's not enough. I've already gone back to hurting myself (a bit). I know it won't do me any good, but I need an outlet. I've stayed away from drugs and booze so far...

Don't think that it's just a little jump between down and normal. oh no! I get really giddy too. But i don't think enough when i'm like that and usually end up hurting some one (physically).

I need help, but my psychologist retired last week and I don't have a new one yet. I'm glad i'm still friends with her though. I'm afraid that I'm just going to slip though the system unnoticed. Not that talking to someone will help me for good. My friends think it does, but it only provides a distraction. It's too inconvenient to always be leaning on someone else. One day they won't be there and you're so used to the support that you fall on your a**, hard.

I might to to a rehab center the fall after I grad, which is this year. But I might be starting at the local community college...or going to BCIT...I rather put my life on hold for a bit though. I want to make sure I have the strength to make it though my life before I start living it.

I do want to live...

I want to go on adventures, travel the world... to embrace a sense of everlasting freedom. Not that I don't want to work my a** off to achieve that. But that's so far away for me. I just want to be... something... I am happy, just not all the time. I want to cry now. Even more so since I have to reason to. Other people in the world have plenty of reason's to cry, not me. I have it all in my head. Only my childhood sweetheart can chase it away... though, someday he'll get tired of running and chasing. I know what will happen then. It makes me happy, because there will be no one left for me to let down.

I do not write this entry for pity or even sympathy. I write it so I can better understand myself. It is much easier for me to write that talk, not so much emotionally than physically (I stutter terribly sometimes). I have no more to say or the will to say it. Except... i'm glad I am able to write this.

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I'm also having massive problems with my hips. I was born with double hip displasia and I'm afraid it's coming back to haunt me.

As well, I want to make a time capsule for my grad year but I keep forgetting to actually do it. sweatdrop