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Right now I feel sick.
I hate being a girl. I hate being under 21. And I hate being me. I hate myself more than anyone else in the world, and if Mike didn't stop me from walking home from Alexia's house and giving me a ride home, I probably would have done something stupid.
Infact...I want to do something right now. I can't hold it back anymore.
The reason why I didn't want to stay at Alexia's house is because John depresses me. He always does that to me, and I can't stand being depressed. But that doesn't matter now does it, since I am already depressed as hell.
I feel like I wasted my entire day. And I feel unwanted, useless, and a complete burden because of my gender. I'm nothing but an annoying twit that does nothing but bother. I have to do something to get rid of this pain.
It doesn't matter what I do. Just as long as it goes away.
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Even after, the pain still remains. Infact it hurts more now. I'm nothing but a dirty loose b***h now, I have to live with it every ******** day. Just as I was starting to feel comfortable with the fact that I cannot regain certain parts of me, its thrown back in my face as if it was something horrible. And it is horrible. What I did was wrong, disgusting and it makes me feel dirty.
I don't want to be dirty anymore. No matter how many times I shower, or bathe, or cut, its still there. That feeling is being dirty, its right under the skin, right where I can't reach it. Its as if my soul has been thrown into a puddle of mud. I cannot wash it clean, no matter how hard I try.
Its quite sad, I can't stop crying. I want to stop, even as I type I can't seem to control it. I called Alexia apologizing for what I have done...if I had Mike's number I would have done the same thing, hell...they already must think I'm insane...perhaps I am.
I cut for the first time in weeks today, it didn't lessen my pain in the way it used to. Watching the blood go down my leg made me realize I am still Tina, no matter how much I may try to change who I am, I cannot.
I will always be the abusive b***h, the annoying twit, the burden upon anyone who knows me. I'm not pretty, only pretty while in pain. So one would probably call me beautiful right now. In a sick way, I am prettier in pain.But wouldn't that mean I have always been beautiful, since I have been in pain this entire time...
No one sees it...I want them to see, but I don't want them to go away. I can't help but have suicidal thoughts...and if people knew...they'd leave me.
My emotions are so messed up it hurts. I hate feeling the way I do, knowing that all I will get in the end is pain. I go through hell only to get more hell in the end. I want someone to take it all away, but its not the someone I have in mind. EVEN THEN, I am unsure. ABOUT EVERYTHING.
I don't deserve this anymore. I'VE PAID MY DEBTS AND IT STILL KEEPS COMING. I think I'm ready for some things in my life, like finding someone new. But I don't know if I can emotionally handle it not working out, because I know I will have many go nowhere relationships.
Besides...the people I am interested in must think I'm loony. They only see me when I am extremely hyper, and I don't see them enough. I want to, I try to, but I never seem to. If you think about it, its all hopeless.
******** hell...I want to slap someone so hard right now. Ungreatful...definately ungreatful...this person makes me sick inside. Totally undeserving of everything. Enough of that...
Thus conludes these totally random loosely connected thoughs.
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